FRANKENSTEIN’S GREAT AUNT TILLIE (1984) ½ *

Donald Pleasence (stuck wearing a lousy wig) stars in this excruciating horror-comedy as Dr. Frankenstein’s distant relative, Victor.  Destitute, with nowhere to turn, he and his family members travel to his ancestral castle to look for the good doctor’s hidden treasure.  Meanwhile, the Burgomaster (Aldo Ray) and the town elders want to evict the lot of them, foreclose on the castle, and seize the property (and the gold) for themselves.  It’s only a matter of time before Victor and company resurrect the Frankenstein monster to help them recover the loot.

Normally in a motion picture, scenes flow together sequentially to advance the plot.  Here, the scenes seemingly go around in circles.  To make matters worse, this alleged comedy isn’t funny at all.  (Pleasence and his family live in the village of “Mucklefugger”, which tells you the level of inanity we’re talking about.)  It doesn’t help that the sound is poor, and the accents are thick, so when there is a punchline, it’s hard to tell what was even said. 

Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie was made in ’84, but it’s so crude looking that it feels like a lost movie from the ‘60s.  It’s also borderline incomprehensible as it never stays on one particular plot point for very long.  It’s almost as if someone took an entire season of a television show and whittled it down to a hundred-minute movie.  Because of that, just when you think it’s about to wrap things up, it starts right back up again in an endless loop of nearly unwatchable nonsense. 

For example, when the movie is over, there’s a ten-minute epilogue of unrelated scenes (one including Pleasence selling snake oil) that go on way too long.  The title card that accompanies the epilogue even admits these scenes are nothing more than “Odds and Ends”.  Additionally, the film opens with a title card that reads, “A hundred years later…” but we never get to see what happened a hundred years before!

I guess it wouldn’t matter if the movie was actually funny, but it’s simply a mind-numbing affair any way you slice it.  The only part that had potential was the parody of the scene from Frankenstein where the monster drowns a little girl.  However, it winds up devolving into an unfunny Benny Hill-style chase scene involving her sexed-up older sisters.  (One of whom is named “Horny”.)  I won’t even mention the scene where Donald appears in drag.

Just when you think it can’t get any weirder, Zsa Zsa Gabor shows up in a cameo.  It’s only a brief scene; a montage in which she has no dialogue.  I’m sure she was glad about that.  Aldo, Donald, and Zsa Zsa have made some bad movies before, but this might be all three stars’ career low point, which is really saying something. 

I guess I should mention that Miguel Angel Fuentes plays the monster.  He and Pleasence were also in the awful The Puma Man together.  Here’s the kicker, folks:  The Puma Man looks downright Shakespearean compared to this!

HOT NIGHTS ON THE CAMPUS (1966) ** ½

Sally (Gigi Darlene) is a young farm girl who comes to New York City to start her freshman year at college.  She shares an apartment with a bunch of sexually advanced seniors who take her to her first “grown-up party”.  After some dancing, the party quickly turns into an all-out orgy (complete with human pyramids), leaving our demure coed to ponder, “At what point will they be satisfied?”  Later, Sally is seduced by her professor, and quickly embraces her newfound sexuality.  She then throws herself at a classmate and is soon modeling nude for photographers.  Eventually, Sally’s world comes to a standstill when she learns she’s pregnant.  

Hot Nights on the Campus kind of feels like a lost Doris Wishman movie.  It takes place in cramped apartments, features non-stop narration, and is a bit nastier than your typical ‘60s sexploitation flick.  The fact that it stars Bad Girls Go to Hell’s Gigi Darlene kind of reinforces that feeling.

The sex scenes aren’t nearly as hot as the title implies and the non-stop narration is sometimes intrusive.  The voluptuous Darlene is cute as a button, which certainly helps.  However, her erotic encounters aren’t quite as much fun as the early party sequences.  In addition to the wild orgy scenes, there’s a little girl-on-girl action (“Things like this just didn’t happen!”) to spice things up.  The swinging jazzy score is also memorable.

Overall, Hot Nights on the Campus is breezy, briskly paced fun if you’re into this sort of thing.  Some of the most enjoyable bits come courtesy of the film’s lack of budget and cinematic know-how.  I’m particularly thinking of the scene in which Darlene’s narration proclaims, “My world felt fuzzy and out of focus!” to excuse the fact that some of the outdoor scenes were in fact, fuzzy and out of focus. 

One thing that makes it more interesting than a lot of ‘60s sexploitation flicks is that it actually deals with the consequences of the heroine’s actions.  The scenes where she goes to get a back-alley abortion by a woman who looks like a chain-smoking witch (“She looked as evil as her trade!”) is especially memorable.  On the other hand, if you’re expecting some sizzling schoolgirl action, you might be disappointed.  I mean for a movie called Hot Nights on the Campus, we never once see Sally on the campus, let alone attend class, or do any homework!  Still, she’s promiscuous enough to get a passing grade in my book. 

AKA:  Nights on the Campus. 

MORGAN (2016) **

Scientists clone an artificial human and monitor “it” as she grows at an accelerated rate.  After years of study, Morgan (Anya Taylor-Joy) finally snaps and stabs one of the doctors in the eye.  You know that “1000 days without an incident” sign in the break room?  You’re gonna have to flip that number back down to 0. 

Corporate is having a cow that their prized asset went haywire, so they send a suit (Kate Mara) to assess the situation.  It’s her job to see if Morgan can be trusted not to violently lash out again.  If she does, it will mean she will have to be terminated.  I guess you can figure out how that goes. 

The film is at its best in the first act.  This stretch feels like a John Hughes version of Ex Machina.  Director Luke Scott (Ridley’s son) doesn’t have much style to speak of, but he builds the tension slowly, but assuredly.  Things kind of go out the window during the second act as Morgan’s psychotic tendencies are unleashed and she turns against her creators.  Here, the movie sort of morphs into your typical slasher scenario.  While this portion of the flick isn’t great, it’s marginally better than the final act which sees Taylor-Joy and Mara squaring off and Kung Fu-ing the crap out of one another.  Although it’s not exactly bad, it just shifts gears too often to work as a cohesive whole.  Like the main character, it feels like it was created in a lab and not made organically.

Fortunately, the cast is stacked cast from top to bottom with heavy hitters.  Taylor-Joy does a fine job in the lead, but the supporting players are the glue that holds everything together and prevents the film from completely unraveling.  I mean it’s hard to hate any movie that contains Boyd Holbrook, Michelle Yeoh, Brian Cox, Toby Jones, Paul Giamatti, and Jennifer Jason Leigh.  Mara, on the other hand, is far too bland in a crucial role.  Then again, maybe that was intentional all along, given the big plot twist at the end.

BOBBIE JO AND THE OUTLAW (1976) ***

Bobbie Jo (Lynda Carter) is a restless carhop with dreams of being a country singer.  Lyle (Marjoe Gortner) is a small-time hood who aspires to be Billy the Kid.  When their paths cross, the sparks are immediate.  They fall head over heels for one another and drive off into the sunset in his stolen sportscar.  Eventually, Lyle gets hoodwinked into driving the getaway car for an armed robbery, which results in the death of a security guard.  Together with Bobbie Jo’s sister (Merrie Lynn Ross) and her criminal boyfriend (Jesse Vint), they go on the lam and begin planning even more elaborate heists. 

I’ve always liked Marjoe Gortner.  His career is one of the most interesting in Hollywood history as he started out as the “youngest ordained minister” (at the age of four) before turning his back on the faith-healing circuit in an effort to attain movie stardom.  The fact that he wound up starring in stuff like Mausoleum and Starcrash only endeared him more to me.  With Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw, Marjoe became the only man in screen history to make out with Wonder Woman while she was topless.  That only cements his legendary status in my eyes. 

Celebrity skin enthusiasts will be over the moon for Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw as it represents the only time Wonder Woman got naked on film.  She undresses in front of her mother, bangs Marjoe twice, and goes topless during a random-ass mushroom scene, complete with a Native American acid guide.  As an added bonus, The Howling’s Belinda Balaski, who plays Carter’s tomboy best friend, also goes topless in this scene. 

Carter gives a likeable performance and Gortner is equally fun to watch.  I especially got a kick out of seeing the former preacher telling Wonder Woman that “Squeezing a trigger is just like praying!”  He also presides over the funeral for one of his fallen compatriots, giving him an opportunity to draw on his past for acting inspiration. 

Directed by Mark L. (Showdown in Little Tokyo) Lester and written by Vernon (The Unholy Rollers) Zimmerman, Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw is an agreeable, though unspectacular, modern-day Bonnie and Clyde riff (with a touch of the Good Ol’ Boy redneck car chase movie thrown in there for good measure).  Whenever things get kind of slow, you can amuse yourself by imagining Sylvester Stallone as Lyle as he was the producers’ second choice if they couldn’t secure Marjoe in the role.  It would’ve been a different movie, that’s for sure, but I think they made the right choice.  The supporting cast, which includes Gerrit Graham (as the head of a hippie commune), Virgil Frye, and James Gammon is solid too.

BOUNTY TRACKER (1993) **

Lorenzo Lamas stars as a bounty tracker in Boston who takes the money from his latest reward to visit his brother (Paul Regina) in Los Angeles.  Little does he know, his bro is about to drop the dime on some nefarious money launderers.  When a professional hit team led by Mattias Hues takes his brother out, Lorenzo puts his bounty tracking skills to the test to bring down the killers. 

The opening scene is a lot of fun and really got my expectations up.  Lamas worms his way into an all-black bar dressed like a librarian, complete with nerdy glasses, a chintzy suit, and a fake prissy English accent.  This scene is on par with any given SnakeEater movie.  Too bad things get thoroughly generic once Lamas goes to L.A.

Yes, from there, Bounty Tracker turns into your standard action/revenge flick.  It’s not exactly a terrible one.  The action is decent (there’s a scene where Lamas singlehandedly mops the floor with students in a karate school), but the plot isn’t anything special, and the villains are pretty weak.  Also, the subplot with Lamas teaming up with some at-risk youths whose mentor was also killed by Hues slows things down as the film enters the homestretch.  The flick would’ve went down much smoother had Lamas lone wolfed it instead of playing babysitter for a third of the running time. 

Lamas gives a fine performance all things considered.  I just wish the script gave him more opportunities to ham it up like he did in the early scenes.  I understand that his character is grief-stricken and seeking justice, but he could’ve at least had some good one-liners in his back pocket to carry the movie.  The supporting cast, which includes Whip Hubley, Judd Omen, and Remote Control’s Ken Ober is kind of interesting.  Too bad Hues makes for such a lackluster bad guy.

AKA:  Head Hunter.

TRAIN TO BUSAN PRESENTS: PENINSULA (2020) ** ½

Train to Busan was one of the better zombie movies in recent memory.  The animated prequel, Seoul Station was pretty good too, which made me eager to see what a live-action sequel would look like.  I guess we find out in the awkwardly titled, intermittently effective Train to Busan Presents:  Peninsula. 

A soldier tries to get his family out of Korea to escape the zombie virus.  While aboard a boat headed to Japan, an infected passenger kills his sister and nephew.  Four years later, he and his bitter brother in-law team up to sneak back to the zombie-infested mainland for a daring heist that could net them $20 million bucks.  Naturally, things do not go as planned. 

The idea of a zombie heist movie has potential.  (Zack Snyder is doing a similar thing with the upcoming Army of the Dead.)  The opening sequence works really well.  The scenes that set up the heist aren’t bad either.  It’s just that once the action switches over the mainland, things become rather uneven. 

The film works in fits and starts.  Whole sections feel like they have been taken from other (better) movies and stitched together a la Frankenstein.  There are moments that will remind you of Escape from New York (with zombies instead of roving gangs), Day of the Dead (the army captain who runs the place has a screw loose), and Land of the Dead (there’s an arena where humans fight zombies; not to mention the hero’s use of fireworks to distract the zombies).  The final car chase that feels a bit like Mad Max Meets Escape from New York has a few good action beats, but some of the CGI car stunts look awful phony.  Some moments are better than others, although they don’t exactly come together to make a satisfying whole. 

It may not quite click, but Train to Busan Presents:  Peninsula is more ambitious than many recent zombie flicks.  I certainly admire the attempts to open up the world of the first film.  It’s just that in doing so, you trade world-building for the concentrated dose of adrenaline-fueled suspense that the original had.  The bloated two-hour running time doesn’t help either.  Whatever qualms I had with this one, I’m still onboard for the next Train.

AKA:  Train to Busan 2.  AKA:  Peninsula.

CRUEL JAWS (1995) **

Bruno Mattei’s blatant Jaws rip-off Cruel Jaws recycles (ahem… STEALS) footage from not only Jaws, but all its sequels during the shark attack scenes.  Not to be outdone, Mattei also borrows (make that HIJACKS) footage from The Last Shark, another Jaws rip-off that’s almost as blatant as this one!  The results aren’t exactly “good”, but it’s worth watching just to marvel at all the ways Mattei cribs from Spielberg and his successors.

In fact, Mattei does a good job imitating Spielberg’s style as he captures the look of the original Jaws for many sequences.  He even copies a lot of the same camera moves.  Mattei also replicates the same beats Jaws 2 director Jeannot Szwarc put down.  And Jaws 3-D director, Joe Alves.  And Jaws the Revenge… you get the point.  Mattei also steals whole chunks of dialogue, scenarios, and camera set-ups from the franchise.  The results often look like an amateur playhouse company performing select scenes from the Jaws movies.  Unlike those directors, he shows no restraint when it comes to showing the half-eaten human leftovers of the shark’s victims, which is definitely appreciated by us gorehounds.

The owner of a marineland theme park is given notice to vacate the premises.  Meanwhile, a killer tiger shark is going around putting the bite on people.  The town officials and the asshole real estate guy don’t want to close the beaches because of the big regatta.  Naturally, the shark turns the big race into a hot lunch.

This is one of those movies where the star rating system doesn’t do it justice.  It’s not good in a conventional sense.  However, if you enjoy a terrible Italian rip-off like I do, you’re sure to have fun with Cruel Jaws.  Personally, I thought the gratuitous Mafia subplot (which I guess was cribbed from Peter Benchley’s original novel) got in the way of the fun in the third act.  Plus, the ending is way too abrupt to be completely satisfying.  That said, there are plenty of laughs and eye-rolling moments here to keep fans of WTF cinema entertained.

Since so much of the film rips off Jaws visually, it goes without saying that it also rips off John Williams’ Jaws theme.  What makes the music in Cruel Jaws so great is that it also steals from his score to Star Wars!  Also, get a load of the hero who resembles what Hulk Hogan would look like if he never lifted a weight in his entire life.  (“Whatchoo gonna do when anorexia runs wild on you?”)  Another hilarious highpoint is the scene where a pair of girls call some horny dudes “dick brain” again and again.  You don’t get that in a Spielberg movie, that’s for sure.  (Unless that was a poorly translated nod to the “penis breath” line from E.T.)

Which reminds me:  Come for the stolen footage and recycled plotlines.  Stay for the hilarious dialogue.  I think the best line came from the teenage fish expert’s girlfriend who gives him an ultimatum and says, “Once and for all, it’s the fish or me!”  That alone makes it better than Jaws the Revenge in my book.

AKA:  Jaws 5.  AKA:  Jaws 5:  Cruel Jaws.  AKA:  Shark Terror.  AKA:  The Beast.