THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: ALPHA WOLF (2018) ** ½

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

Casper Van Dien and his wife Jennifer Wenger (his real-life wife) vacation in a cabin in the woods.  The couple is looking for a little R & R, but what they get is a big W & W.  And by that, I mean Were n’ Wolf.  Casper gets bitten and thanks to his aggressive nature, becomes a killer.  This makes him a threat to the other peace-loving werewolves in the area, and since there can only be one alpha wolf in the pack, they set out to put Casper down like a dog.

The werewolf is cheesy looking and resembles the Bigfoot from those “Snap into a Slim Jim!” commercials.  That kind of sums up the movie.  It’s cheesy, but it’s just dumb enough to leave a silly grin on your face.  

Van Dien is good as the obnoxious alpha male whose werewolf bite only increases his toxic masculinity.  Wenger also does fine work as his mate who takes no shit from him.  It was also fun seeing Van Dien’s Starship Troopers co-star Patrick Muldoon in a supporting role cast against type as their creepy neighbor.  

Some of the film’s attempts at humor are successful, like when Van Dien is not so subtly marking his territory in the front yard.  I also got a kick out of the in-joke character names, like the dog named “Larry” (after Larry Talbot).  Many horror flicks use the same gimmick, but Alpha Wolf’s references are subtler than your average horror movie, which is appreciated. For example, Wenger’s character is named Virginia.  (You know, as in “Virginia Woolf”.)   

I’m a sucker for a good werewolf movie.  Heck, I’m even a sucker for a not-so good werewolf movie.  Alpha Wolf kinda splits the difference between the two.  I liked the sequence where Van Dien stalks some horny campers, which kind of plays like a slasher flick, but with a werewolf, and the plot twist in the end is laughable too, although I enjoyed the silliness of it.  

Does Alpha Wolf have too many scenes of Van Dien and Wenger bickering?  Yeah.  Does the eighty-five-minute running time feel a tad padded?  Sure.  However, the emphasis on practical werewolf effects over CGI is endearing, and Van Dien’s tweaked performance helps carry it over some of the lulls.  

MIDNITE PLOWBOY (1971) **

A hayseed named Junior (John Tull) leaves the farm and heads to Hollywood to find his fortune.  He winds up getting a job at a house of ill repute where the ladies of the evening immediately take a shine to him and give him a gangbang on the house.  Before long, he’s driving a van for a pimp, which acts as sort of a bordello on wheels.  Predictably, Junior falls for the pretty young prostitute Bernice (Debbie Osborne), and they begin to plot a way out of the life.  

If you go in thinking this is going to be a softcore spoof of Midnight Cowboy, you’re going to be disappointed.  As it turns out, it’s just another dumb ‘70s skin flick from writer/director Bethel Buckalew.  If you’re familiar with his softcore country bumpkin comedies like Country Cuzzins, Sassy Sue, and The Pig Keeper’s Daughter, you might already know what to expect (and what not to expect).  I’m sure you’ll probably get about what you expected.  Probably a little less.  

The fish out of water comedy schtick is dumb, predictable, and unfunny (there’s a lot of jokes about Junior’s sheep back home) and the softcore scenes are hit and miss.  The opening sequence where Junior gets picked up hitchhiking by a couple and bangs the hot wife in the backseat while her husband drives and watches in the rearview mirror gets things started off on the right foot.  However, the group sex scenes suffer from crummy camerawork and poor lighting.  The scenes that take place in Junior’s fuckmobile are slightly better, although the cramped quarters of the van don’t make for the most optimal camera set-ups.  At least the lovemaking between Tull and Osborne is tender and engaging.  (I could’ve done without the folksy love song on the soundtrack though.)  If it wasn’t for their chemistry, Midnite Plowboy would be complete fertilizer.  

AKA:  Sunset Girls.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE # 28: THE RESONATOR: MISKATONIC U (2021) ***

(Streamed via Pluto TV)

When producer Charles Band came up with the idea of “Deadly Ten”, it allowed him to crowdsource funds from fans who wanted to see him dip into his back catalogue of horror films and create sequels, reboots, re-imaginings, and straight-up rip-offs of his old franchises.  Among the series he’s been mining are Puppet Master, Necropolis, and Femalien.  I don’t think anyone would get too upset at the prospect of Band meddling with those brands.  However, The Resonator:  Miskatonic U is a sequel/updating of Stuart Gordon’s From Beyond, one of the greatest horror films of the ’80s.  When you start messing around with classics like that, I start to get nervous.  He and his writer/director William Butler (who got his start with Band acting in Ghoulies 2) were wise not to put the From Beyond moniker in the title as there is no way this could ever hope to compete with that immortal all-timer. 

It begins with a dedication to Gordon, which is a nice touch, and one of the characters is even named “Professor Gordon”, but the movie is closer in tone and feel to something like The Killer Eye than From Beyond.  Speaking as a fan of The Killer Eye, that’s not a bad thing.  If you go into it with reserved expectations, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as I did.  Like most of the Deadly Ten films, it’s kind of fun if you’re in the right frame of mind. 

A cocksure student at Miskatonic University is hellbent on recreating his dead father’s experiments.  He cobbles together a “resonator” that stimulates the user’s pineal gland and allows them to see into another dimension.  After a night of drinking, he invites some friends back to the lab and turns on the machine.  Naturally, he unleashes a bunch of monsters and has to deal with his professor who wants to use the machine to make himself a god.  

While nothing here comes close to approaching the greatness of From Beyond (and frankly, what could?), there is some good stuff.  I dug the appearance of the sexy squid woman who lurks about whenever the machine is turned on.   Speaking of being turned on, the psychic sexual visions are well done, if a tad brief.  Even though much of this feels low rent and cheesy, Butler keeps the pace going at a steady clip (the scant sixty-four-minute running time certainly helps).  The young cast members aren’t exactly memorable, but it helps that the supporting cast is peppered with old pros like Amanda Wyss and Michael Pare.

Overall, The Resonator:  Miskatonic U probably won’t convert any new fans to Band’s Full Moon label, but those who enjoy his recent output should be thoroughly entertained.  The ending opens up the possibility for a sequel as it introduces a very familiar character into the fold in the final moments.  This scene is very much like a Marvel movie post-credits sequence, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Band was angling to make this a franchise a la the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Would that make it the Miskatonic Cinematic Universe?

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE # 27: KISS OF THE DAMNED (2013) **

(Streamed via Plex)

A vampire babe named Djuna (Josephine de la Baume) picks up Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia from Rocky Balboa) at a video store.  They quickly fall in love, and she decides the only way they can be together is to turn him into a vampire.  Their bliss is soon interrupted when her troublemaking sister Mimi (Roxane Mesquida) comes for a visit.  

Written and directed by John Cassavetes’ daughter Xan, Kiss of the Damned is simultaneously arty and low rent.  Superficially, it looks classy and respectable, but there’s really not much here to differentiate it from countless other bloodsucker dramas that have come before.  It works slightly better during the courtship phase of Djuna and Paolo’s relationship than when she is showing him the ropes of being a vampire.  The film does get a little lift once Mimi enters the picture, however her constant bickering with Djuna doesn’t have much dramatic oomph to carry the bulk of the picture.  It also doesn’t help that vampire sex scenes are uneven at best.  While Ventimiglia and Mesquida’s tryst in the shower is appropriately steamy, the rest of the lovemaking/blood drinking sequences offer more tease than please.  The only touch I really enjoyed was the fact they drink a synthetic blood substitute called “politically correct plasma”. 

Mesquida has a bit of spark about her, but de la Baume is pretty annoying as the lead bloodsucker.  She spends just as much time whining as she does drinking blood, which ruins some of the fun.  Ventimiglia is fine if a bit bland as the romantic lead.  Michael Rapaport is amusing though in an extended cameo as Ventimiglia’s coke-snorting agent.  Another bright spot is Riley Keough who appears late in the game as a victim.  You’ll wish she had more to do because when she’s on screen, this undead drama fitfully comes to life.

Ultimately, Kiss of the Damned doesn’t explore any new territory.  If you like romantically tinged vampire dramas, you might enjoy it.  For me, it was fine, but forgettable.  I guess it might’ve worked better if the vampires weren’t a bunch of self-absorbed, classist fat cats.  If anything, the film just goes to show that vampire hoity-toity cocktail parties are just as boring as human ones.

SELF SERVICE GIRLS (1975) ** ½

German softcore grandmaster Erwin C. Dietrich wrote and directed this sexy anthology skin flick.  The wraparound sequences (**) involve a pervert dropping pennies in a porno viewer and watching assorted smut.  It’s a thin, but serviceable framework for this sort of thing, I guess.  The segments themselves are about ten minutes long each, and the best ones are weighted towards the beginning.  

The first segment (*** ½) revolves around a flirty babe (Rita Waldenberg) playing duckpin bowling.  When she excuses herself to “wash her hands”, she strips down to nothing and waits for the male bowlers to sneak into the bathroom to fuck her.  This sequence is fun and steamy, and benefits from a sexy performance by Waldenberg, even if the climax is a bit of a… ahem… wash.  

Sequence two (*** ½) has a hot nurse (Christa Free) assisting a doctor performing a circumcision.  She then takes it upon herself to make sure the patient’s dick still works after the operation and fucks him.  This story has some hilarious dubbing (“How you doing, lamb chop?”), and a sexy performance by Free as the horny nurse.  

A sexy sculptress (Marianne Dupont) picks up a dude with a big dick in a coed sauna in the next segment (*** ½).  She then takes him back to her studio and fucks him.  Like the last story, it benefits from a hot performance by the leading lady, and some wonderfully cheesy dialogue, which only adds to the fun.  

The fourth tale (**) involves a horny passenger who bangs a sexy stewardess (Claudia Fielers) in an airplane bathroom during a flight.  This story is the most basic of the bunch as it’s got a lame set-up and a ho-hum payoff.    While it continues the theme of sex in a public bathroom from the first segment, it’s nowhere near as hot or fun.  

The fifth story (** ½) is about a guy who watches vintage porno cartoons before spying on his hot to trot neighbor (Esther Studer) as she masturbates.  Your enjoyment of this sequence may hinge on your tolerance for all the old-timey adults-only animation.  I have to be honest when I say, it didn’t do a whole lot for me.  I guess if you ever wanted to see a cartoon where a guy goes to a gloryhole and gets pleasured by a cow, here you go.  At least the flesh-and-blood stuff features some graphic close-ups of Studer playing with herself.  There’s also a brief vintage hardcore segment where Santa Claus hooks a woman up to a fuck machine.

After that, it’s time for the sixth segment (**).  A musician practices his violin, and his hot neighbor (Monika Rohde) gets so turned on by his playing that she has to play with herself.  This one, like the stewardess story is all set-up and little payoff and suffers from déjà vu from the previous segment of horny neighbors masturbating.

The final story (**) is yet another tale of horny neighbors.  This time out, a guy can’t get any sleep because the couple next door keep fucking all night long.  He sets out to get revenge on them, but naturally, it backfires.  This one would’ve been okay if it didn’t go on so long and wasn’t the third one in a row about horny neighbors.  It’s not bad, but it doesn’t exactly end the movie with a bang, so to speak.  

AKA:  Tempting Roommates.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: ONE MISSED CALL: FINAL (2006) ** ½

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

I watched One Missed Call 2 during the early days of this thirty-one-movie watching project.  I figured why wait to close out the trilogy?  As it turns out, it’s the best of the trio.

A group of Japanese schoolkids bully a classmate until she finally cracks and tries to commit suicide.  The indifferent brats then head to South Korea on a field trip.  During their sightseeing tour, the students begin receiving ominous phone calls that portend their impending death.  

There are a couple interesting elements here that help to separate Final from the other films in the One Missed Call series.  The first is the fact that the ghostly girl is aided in her quest for revenge by a friend who helps select the order of the victims from a class photo.  Another new wrinkle is the fact that the would-be victims can escape their death by forwarding their deadly phone call to another student.  This adds to the animosity and distrust among the circle of classmates.  Because of that, the horror comes not only from the ghostly girl, but seeing how the classmates turn on one another.  This helps give this installment a unique energy.  Another cool thing is that the deaths sometimes feel like they came out of a Final Destination movie (especially the one involving a live wire), which might explain the subtitle.  Although some of the deaths are more effective than others (the scene where the guy pukes feathers is kind of lame), they work reasonably well for the most part.  

I was intending to give this a favorable review until the third act rolled around.  The subplot involving people trying to stop the ghostly girl’s reign of terror by flooding her inbox with emails containing “positive messages” made my eyeballs roll back into my fucking skull.  That dumb scene definitely knocked the movie down a notch in my book.  However, even with that supremely shitty sequence, One Missed Call:  Final is easily the best film in the franchise.

AKA:  One Missed Call 3:  Final.  AKA:  The Call:  Final.  AKA:  Final Call.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: GORGON VIDEO MAGAZINE (1989) ***

(Streamed via B-Zone)

Michael Berryman hosts this horror video magazine from the good people at Gorgon Video.  He’s pretty amusing too.  Dressed in his Hills Have Eyes get-up, Berryman really gets into his introductions and helps make this uneven compilation worthwhile.  

The first segment is a good interview with Wes Craven.  Much of the discussion revolves around Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes.  We also see him in behind the scenes footage of Shocker.  (Wes calls it, “the purest film Wes Craven has ever done”.  LOL.  Sure, Wes.)  Next up is an interview with KNB Effects.  They talk about some of the films that inspired them before taking us on a tour of their studio.  Then, we have a segment devoted to Linnea Quigley.  Naturally, they show her immortal “Dance of the Double Chainsaws” from Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.  There are also scenes from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, and the iconic lipstick scene from Night of the Demons.  Next, is a look inside Troma Studios.  Lloyd Kaufman is his usually gregarious self, although he’s slightly more subdued here than he’d later become.  Scenes from The Toxic Avenger, The Toxic Avenger 2, and Rabid Grannies are also shown.

There’s also a review corner that features reviews for Cameron’s Closet, Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer, Bad Taste, and Vicious.  Then Berryman talks about drive-in classics like A Bucket of Blood and Attack of the Giant Leeches that turns into a plug for Sinister Cinema.  Things wind down in the end with concert footage of GWAR and trailers for Death Spa, Girlfriend from Hell, and Judgment Day.

As a clip show/horror digest, it’s fun.  It probably would’ve been better as a forty-five-minute video rather than seventy as it begins running out of steam near the end.  It’s not quite up to snuff with the likes of the Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors or Stephen King’s World of Horror videos, but it’s a breezy seventy minutes of blood, gore, and info.  (I especially enjoyed the segments on Craven and Quigley.)