PIG (2021) ****

Pig is basically Taken, but with a pig, and starring Nicolas Cage.  That premise sounds like a joke on The Simpsons.  Considering the last couple of Nicolas Cage movies, it could’ve been a ninety-minute meme.  However, despite (or perhaps, because of) the oddball plot, Pig is a captivating and at times, moving drama.  

Cage stars as a hermit who lives alone in the woods with his pet pig.  His pig is not only his pet, but his business partner as its truffle-hunting skills helps keep the lights on.  One night, burglars break in and steal Cage’s pig.  He then makes his way to the seedy underbelly of Portland to get his pig back.  

Sometimes, it’s the notes you don’t hit that matter.  In Cage’s last flick, Willy’s Wonderland, he didn’t hit any notes at all.  Here, even though he is firmly in Somber Cage Mode, Nic’s brooding performance is almost mesmerizing.  He doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s meaningful and has a lot of weight.  

Naturally, none of this would really matter if we didn’t believe the sacred bond Cage has with his pig.  The short, but memorable sequences of man and beast working and living together hit the right balance between heartfelt and offbeat.  Cage and the pig are so wonderful together than when the bad men came under the cover of darkness and kidnapped the pig, it really struck a chord.  When the pig let out a woeful, anguished cry, well… Dear Reader, I must admit, it put a lump in my throat.  From then on, I was right there with Cage on his quest for revenge.

And you know, for such a quiet, melancholic, and deliberate movie, it sure moves at a lightning pace.  First-time feature director Michael Sarnoski keeps things moving right along, all the while peppering the film with small, but memorable set pieces.  Highlights include a bizarre underground fight club that pits waiters against homeless people, and an interrogation of a chef that feels like something out of a Coen Brothers movie.  Then there’s the ending, which I won’t spoil.  Most revenge pictures end with a big action sequence.  This one ends in truly unique fashion.  

The glue that holds it all together, of course, is Cage.  Very few actors could lean into such an unlikely premise and have the audience walk away genuinely moved.  This is one of the best performances you’ll see all year, and this is one of the best films of the year.

DON’T LOOK UP (2021) *** ½

The reviews for Don’t Look Up have been all over the place.  Some love it.  Some hate it.  That kind of divisiveness is appropriate, seeing how it is about a divisive subject:  The truth.  

Scientists Jennifer Lawrence and Leonardo DiCaprio discover that a comet will hit Earth in six months, obliterating all life on the planet.  Naturally, no one believes them.  It takes the President (Meryl Streep) to be rocked by a sex scandal before she will even set a plan into motion, if only to pivot away from the fact that she got caught sexting.  Even then, surefire plans to stop the comet from smashing into Earth are thwarted, if only because a billionaire media mogul (Mark Rylance) has found a way to make everybody money from mining the comet for precious minerals.  

The fun of Don’t Look Up is the feeling that the end of the world could very well happen just the way it plays out in the movie.  Sure, we would hope for an Armageddon, or even a Deep Impact type of scenario, but the truth is, nothing would probably get done until the tech giants and D.C. fat cats got every last dime they could out of the situation.  Also, the vital information on the comet would only be syphoned out to the public if and when the news cycle permitted.  (And if it happens on a news day when Ariana Grande announces her engagement, forget it.)  

With Don’t Look Up, writer/director Adam McKay is able to have his cake and eat it too.  He is able to deftly go from absurd (but plausible) political commentary to quiet, human moments.  Yes, many of the major players are aloof goofballs.  However, the way things are going in America, the White House’s handling of the situation is probably spot on.  At one point, Lawrence tells some youthful protestors, “They’re not even smart enough to be as evil as you give them credit for.”

The performances help sell the reality and absurdity of the situation.  DiCaprio is great as the anxiety-ridden scientist who slowly learns to play the media game.  Lawrence is fun as his outspoken partner who is never once rewarded for telling the truth.  Streep is essentially playing an amalgam of Trump and Hillary and it’s just as nightmarish as it sounds.  It’s Jonah Hill though who steals the movie as Streep’s son, who also happens to be the White House’s Press Secretary who is basically a mashup of all the Trump kids rolled up into one.  

While the film is probably a little too long and some of the plot threads and character arcs kind of get lost in the shuffle (like Timothy Chalamet’s evangelical skater punk), it works better than it probably should.  Like I said, it’s a movie about the truth.  No matter how loud you shout it, there are always idiots who don’t want to hear it.  You could substitute the comet for any sort of problem, say… I dunno… global warming or COVID-19.  You remember how everyone sat down and worked together to solve those problems?  Sure, you don’t.  That’s basically how the grown-ups in the room handle the comet in this flick.  That is to say, we’re fucked.

FREAKY (2020) *** ½

You can tell the filmmakers really wanted to make Freaky Friday the 13th, a mashup of Freaky Friday and Friday the 13th.  The fact that Freaky Friday is owned by Disney and Friday the 13th is owned by Paramount (not to mention the fact it was made at Universal) probably prevented an official crossover from taking place.  That didn’t stop them from making the movie though, as they tweaked things just enough to avoid a lawsuit (or two).

“The Blissfield Butcher” (Vince Vaughn) is a serial killer who wears a wooden mask that is shaped very similarly to Jason’s.  Every Homecoming, he murders high school students in a small town.  When he stabs the Final Girl, Millie (Kathryn Newton) with a magic knife, they swap bodies.  Since the killer is in the body of a beautiful high school girl, she pretty much has free reign to go around and kill.  It’s then up to the Butcher to convince Millie’s friends it’s really her in his body before more people wind up dead.

The opening scene has a very cool Friday the 13th vibe and features some world-class kills that involve a bottle of wine, a toilet seat, and a tennis racket.  It would’ve been interesting to see how this would’ve played out if it was a legit Jason movie.  I mean the Friday the 13th series has already ripped off Frankenstein, Carrie, The Hidden, Evil Dead, and Alien, so ripping off Freaky Friday isn’t too much of a stretch.

However, if this was an official sequel, we would’ve been swindled out of a great performance by Vince Vaughn.  He’s intimidating as the killer, but once he becomes host to Newton’s character, he is a real treat to watch.  He resists the temptation to playing a caricature and exudes an air of femineity that is just pitch perfect.  Likewise, Newton is a lot of fun as the hulking killer trapped in a teenage girl’s body.  Her body language and facial expressions while having to put up with her annoying classmates and teachers are priceless.  I can’t quite say it’s as good as Travolta or Cage playing each other in Face/Off, but it’s definitely up there. 

Some touches will make you scratch your head.  Like why does the school have a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room?  The answer of course, is that if there wasn’t a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room, then they couldn’t have done a homage to Jason X, that’s why.  While the film is a lot of fun, at one-hundred-and-two minutes, it’s a little on the long side and probably has one climax too many.  These are really minor quibbles in the long run, especially seeing how Freaky adheres to the Video Vacuum’s #1 Horror Movie Rule:  If you’ve got to cut someone in half, cut them in half LENGTHWISE.

SCREAM (2022) ** ½

After an eleven-year absence, the serial killer Ghostface returns to the small town of Woodsboro to carve up more teenagers who are obsessed with horror movies.  Since these kids have been weaned on “elevated horror”, Ghostface has to quiz them on good old slasher flicks before he moves in for the kill.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before the original Woodsboro Final Girl, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) arrives on the scene to put an end to Ghostface’s reign of terror.

Scream is the fifth entry in the long-running Scream franchise.  If you’re wondering why they waited eleven years to make a sequel after the subpar fourth film, or even better, why they bothered to make another one in the first place, don’t worry.  Like The Matrix Resurrections, this Scream is a rebuke to toxic fandom.  Also, like The Matrix Resurrections, a lot of time is spent on characters gratuitously explaining to other characters important plot details and/or spoon-feeding the explanation to the audience as a way to show the filmmakers’ distain for fanboys who didn’t like the way the sequels to their beloved franchise came out.   And like The Matrix Resurrections, all of this is done in a very meta sort of way that is kind of charming.  

As the other films in the series skewered horror movies, sequels, and remakes, this Scream is a riff on the legacy sequel.  You know, like Halloween (2018) or The Force Awakens, where the original characters you knew and loved take a backseat to new characters you never quite warm up to.  I guess it goes without saying that the scenes involving Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette are a lot more involving and (dare I say) emotional than the shit with the new cast members.  I’m not saying the fresh meat is bad or anything.  They are certainly more tolerable than the young cast from Part 4.  However, the pacing drags considerably whenever the new leads are at the forefront.  

The good news is, new directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (Ready or Not) can talk the talk.  The scenes where the characters spout off the new rules for the “re-quel” are a lot of fun.  They certainly have a lot to say about the new “elevated horror” trend as well as the legacy sequels they are poking fun at.  When it comes to walking the walk… well… you can’t top the master, Wes Craven.  The stalking scenes, while bloodier and a bit more graphic than the previous films, lack the flair Craven brought to the series.  They do a fine job setting the scene with the requisite opening slasher sequence (that at least has one notable twist) as well as deliver a fairly decent, if a bit talky finale (although this is a Scream movie, so what did you expect?).  I just wish the stalking sequences in the second act were as good.  

The big stumbling block is keeping the so-called “legacy” characters on the sideline for much of the movie.  Like the new Star Wars trilogy, the original trio of characters don’t get a whole lot of screen time, and even then, they aren’t exactly utilized all that well.  The best thing I can say is that when they were on screen, whether it was nostalgia or goodwill talking, it was truly great to see them.  I just wish they were there to drive the story and not serve it.  And while I will keep away from spoiler territory, there was at least one legacy cast member that I didn’t expect to see at all, and when they showed up, I kind of half-cheered, even if their appearance(s) were a bit goofy.  

So, for a decade late “legacy sequel”, you can do a lot worse than Scream.  Few franchises get a fifth entry that actually feels like a worthy continuation.  Even if it’s not exactly the Scream I was hoping for, it’s a solid, if unspectacular slasher, and frankly, the world needs more of those.

GORGON VIDEO MAGAZINE VOL. 2 (1990) ***

Michael Berryman is your host for the second (and sadly, final) volume of Gorgon Video’s compilation tapes.  It’s a shame the series never continued because over thirty years later, they make for an interesting time capsule for horror fans.  Heck, this never even got an official release, so I guess we should be thankful for what we got.

Stuart Gordon is the subject of the first segment.  He fondly reminisces about working at Empire Pictures and talks about his troubles with the ratings board.  They show the infamous “head” scene from Re-Animator, highlights from Dolls and Robot Jox, and a clip from one of the short films he made when he was a kid.  He also talks about his next film, The Pit and the Pendulum, which he says will star Peter O’Toole and Billy Dee Williams.  Sadly, those guys wound up not starring in the movie, but it’s fun to imagine how that would’ve played out if it came to fruition.

The next segment is on magicians/comedians Penn and Teller who introduce clips from their upcoming film, Penn and Teller Get Killed.  (Directed by Arthur Penn!)  The highlight is when they show you how they did their particularly gruesome trick on Comic Relief.  We then move onto a brief segment on Halloween.  A short clip of the original is shown and Halloween 5:  The Revenge of Michael Myers director Dominique Othenin-Girard is briefly interviewed.  (“We are dealing with the youth of TODAY!”)

Special effects god, Screaming Mad George is up next.  He takes us on a tour of his make-up shop, shows off some of his paintings, and talks about his influences.  Highlights from his amazing work in Curse 2:  The Bite and some footage from one of his musical performances are also shown.  

The next segment features a “Gore-Met” who tells you how to make your own stage blood.  His formula is pretty standard, and he’s kind of annoying.  I would’ve much rather seen how Screaming Mad George does it.

Paragon Arts is the subject of the next sequence.  They show clips from their films Witchboard, Night of the Demons, and their latest production, Night Angel (which was directed by Othenin-Girard, who also shows up again).  This is followed by a short bit about Zap Comix.  It feels a little out of place, but it’s worth it just for the brief interview with R. Crumb.  Most of the time is spent on S. Clay Wilson though

Like the first volume, there’s another review corner segment.  He reviews Deadly Obsession, Return of the Living Dead, Deranged, and Suspiria.  Then, the Gore-Met returns for another blood recipe before Brian Yuzna shows up to take Gorgon on tour of the set of The Bride of Re-Animator.  David Gale and a very tired looking Jeffrey Combs are interviewed, Screaming Mad George is glimpsed working on effects, and Johnny Legend appears briefly.

Things start winding down during the long sequence of a necking couple at a drive-in.  They make lame jokes and watch clips from Horror Hotel and The Devil’s Partner.  Then there’s a short film showcase, and the tape concludes with a trailer for Puppet Master. 

This volume is fun for a while.  However, it runs out of steam once it starts veering away from the interview subjects.  It would’ve made for a good hour-long video, but at nearly ninety minutes, it ultimately goes on way too long.  Still, it’s worth watching for the segments on Gordon, George, and Yuzna. 

KEKKO KAMEN RETURNS (2004) ** ½

I’ve never been much of an anime guy.  However, the one naked cartoon I did have time for was Kekko Kamen, the superheroine who hides her face behind a mask, but shows her body for all to see when she fights crime.  (Sample lyrics from the theme song:  “No one knows her name, but everyone knows her body!”)  If you’re sick and tired of the recent glut of superhero movies, Kekko Kamen Returns, a live-action version of the cartoon just might be the tonic you’ve been looking for.  

The plot revolves around a girls’ swim team.  The head of an evil corporation worms his way into coaching the team so he can perv on the girls.  When he finds out one of the girls can’t swim, he puts her through a series of tortures.  Whenever things look bad for the girls, the nude crimefighter Kekko Kamen springs into action.  Wearing her trademark red mask and nothing else, and wielding her trusty nunchucks, Kekko kicks some serious ass.  

This looks like it had a lower budget than your average porno.  That’s part of the charm though.  While it’s way too uneven to be considered a classic or anything, there are some genuinely bizarre touches that demand respect.  Take for instance the use of flashbacks, which are shown in the form of a finger puppet show.  Or the fact that the villain’s sidekick wears a frog costume… just because.

I guess it goes without saying that the stuff that doesn’t hinge on nude crimefighting pales in comparison.  The long scenes of girls in bathing suits doing calisthenics and swimming are an OK substitute, but even then, the film has a tendency to repeat itself.  Even with a relatively scant running time of seventy minutes, there’s still a lot of padding here.  The subplot about the ghost that haunts the pool is especially befuddling.  

However, for fans of nude fight scenes, Kekko Kamen Returns is hard to beat.  (Even if they unfortunately obscure her nether regions.)  While some of the nude action sequences are a long time coming, they are often worth the wait.  In one scene, Kekko hypnotizes a goon by shooting light out of her pussy before knocking him out with her nunchucks.  The best part happens during the finale when she suffocates the bad guy with her vagina, a move that is appropriately called, “Muffication”!

I’d like to see one of the Eternals try to do that.

AKA:  Kekko Kamen 2.

ETERNALS (2021) * ½

Man, if you told me like twenty years ago, two world-class foxes like Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie were going to be in a superhero movie, I would’ve been like, “Sign me up!”  Unfortunately, instead of giving them a property that would've been fun and entertaining, like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, they get stuck starring in this boring, joyless slog.  

The Eternals are like gods from outer space who were sent to Earth thousands of years ago to oversee man’s evolution.  The only time they are allowed to interfere with his progress is when reject monsters from a SYFY Channel Original come out of the sea and wreak havoc.  Then, they can do superhero shit.  Flashforward to the present where the group has gone their separate ways.  After thousands of years, the SYFY monsters have returned, and they have to get the band back together to fight some more CGI beasties.  

Eternals is a rare misstep for Marvel.  It feels like their attempt to do a DC movie.  That would be fine if the Marvel brand of humor and spectacle still applied.  However, this is one of the dreariest, self-important superhero flicks I have sat through in some time.  

It doesn’t help that the characters have zero personality and derivative powers.  There’s a guy who can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes (like Superman), one gal can run real fast (like The Flash), Salma can heal herself (like Wolverine), and Angie is basically a warrior woman (like Wonder Woman).  Then, there are some team members who are truly Mystery Men-worthy.  One gal turns objects into… rose petals?!?  At least that’s different.  Stupid, but different.  One dude… builds… things?  Another guy’s big thing is filming everything with a camera everywhere he goes.  What is this, the ‘90s?  At least spring for an iPhone.  

Between the shoddy monster fights, we are treated to massive exposition dumps and flashbacks to ancient times that are supposed to I guess fill in the backstory, but all it does is make the narrative even more jumbled.  I know there was a lot of hype about the so-called superhero sex scene.  However, it is completely underwhelming and lasts only a few seconds.  I guess the point they were trying to make is that superhuman sex is just like… regular sex?  Or something.  I don’t know.  For all the talk, it’s not a patch on the superhero sex scene in Watchmen.  Now THERE was a superhero sex scene!

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½