SATAN’S STORYBOOK (1989) * ½

Satan’s Storybook looks like one of those deals where the director had two or three unfinished/abandoned/unreleased movies, cobbled them together, and passed them off as an “anthology” horror film.  I’m not saying it’s totally without merit.  I mean, any time you start a flick with Ginger Lynn Allen dressed as a Ninja, you’re doing something right.  However, things go downhill from there awful fast.  

Allen stars in the “Wraparound” (**) segments as a warrior woman sworn to bring her Satanic Queen sister (Leslie Deutsch) to justice.  Her boyfriend just so happens to be Satan (Ray Robert, a beefy guy with a skull face who probably inspired Mortal Kombat’s Shao Kahn), and he sends his minions out to find her.  While waiting for his Queen’s return, he asks his jester (Michael Daevid) to tell him some scary stories.  

The first tale is about a serial killer named “The Demon of Death” (* ½) who likes to pick his victims at random out of the phonebook.  The killer (co-writer Steven K. Arthur) murders a young woman’s parents and is arrested before he can kill her too.  Six years pass, and the killer still hasn’t been executed.  The woman (Leesa Rowland from The Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2, 3, and 4) then turns to black magic to make sure he gets what’s coming to him.  Naturally, things don’t go as planned.

Even though this story starts off well enough, it quickly goes down the tubes once the killer is arrested.  From then on, it just twiddles its thumbs way too much and the twist ending, when it finally does come, is rushed and unsatisfying.  While the wraparound sequences look slightly more polished than your typical SOV horror flick, The Demon of Death is just about what you would expect from the genre.  The lighting is crappy, the cinematography is cruddy, and some of the actors are visibly reading from their scripts.  It also doesn’t help that the so-called Demon of Death just looks and acts like your typical ‘80s metalhead dude, which is to say he isn’t very intimidating.  

The second story is called “Death Among Clowns” (*).  It stars the author of The Howling, Gary Brandner as an alcoholic clown that commits suicide in his dressing room.  A demonic clown (writer/director Michael Rider), sporting a silly looking tail) then arrives to drag him to Hell.  

Sure, it’s funny to see Brandner in his only acting role (a Howling 4 poster is briefly glimpsed in the first story as well), but it’s painfully obvious that he is not an actor.  It doesn’t help that he spends nearly all his screen time in a shoddy looking clown get-up.  As bad as he is, Rider is twice as annoying, and their unending banter makes this story feel like it lasts an eternity.  Another debit is the fact that it’s a straightforward story and no attempt whatsoever is made to give it a twist ending, something that’s a virtual perquisite for an anthology horror movie.

While shot on video, the wraparound sequences of Satan’s Storybook look better than many of its ‘80s SOV contemporaries.  The use of red lights in the opening works rather well, and the throne room scenes are more inventive than many horror flicks that were shot in somebody’s backyard.  That said, once it switches over to the stories, it looks and feels more like your typical SOV crap.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the wraparound ends with a cliffhanger to a sequel that never happened.  (Thank God.)

I’m sure Ginger worked on pornos that had ten times the budget this one had.  Fortunately, her performance is the best thing about the movie, which helps make it go down smoother than expected.  She looks terrific (I especially liked the scene where Ginger magically transforms from her Ninja get-up to a more sword and sorcery-inspired wardrobe), and even manages not to embarrass herself during her longwinded monologues.  If she can emerge from something like this relatively unscathed, it proves that she has better acting chops than most give her credit for.  

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI (2017) ****

When the police fail to find her daughter’s killer, a mother (Frances McDormand) puts up three billboards in her hometown asking why nothing has been done.  The sheriff (Woody Harrelson) is incensed because his name is on the billboard, and he feels he’s being personally attacked.  Her shrewdness eventually spurns him into action, even though the consequences of putting up the billboards makes her a target for the pro-cop community.  

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is a triumph through and through.  Written and directed by Martin (In Bruges) McDonagh, it’s a powerful, sad, angry, and wickedly funny movie.  You might be surprised that a movie about rape, murder, cancer, and racism can be so funny, but I assure you, I laughed a lot during the film.  The humor comes out of the characters’ plight and the fact that they don’t act like your ordinary movie characters, but regular human beings.  They are all deeply flawed, wounded, and suffering individuals whose pain and anger propels them to do what they do, so of course, they have to have a sense of humor.  

There are some dark moments to be sure.  And some incredibly sad ones.  I’m not too proud to say that even I got a little choked up on this one, thanks to the strong writing and powerful performances.  

McDormand and Rockwell both deservedly won Oscars for their performances.  McDormand is just as good here if not better than she was in Fargo, which is a crazy high bar.  Likewise, Rockwell is as good as he’s ever been, making what in lesser hands could’ve been a buffoonish and ugly character into something a little sadder and more human.  His racist, drunken, and violent outbursts seem to come less from learned hatred and more from a callow self-loathing.  Harrelson is equally fine as the sheriff who despite outward appearances is carrying his own sense of pain and failure around with him.  The supporting cast is ridiculously stacked with heavy hitters as well, all of whom do fine work.  

PLAYMATE WORKOUT (1983) ***

Playmates Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke host this workout video from Playboy.  During the intro they say, “This workout is for women… but you guys can watch too!”  

Jeana, Victoria, and a bunch of other Playmates stand in front of a white background doing calisthenics while wearing skintight workout clothes.  They start with a warm-up exercise before moving on to scissor kicks.  Eventually, the Playmates disrobe from various exercises like push-ups and lunges.  Sometimes, these nude sequences are set against a red background with a harsh red light shining on the Playmates.  I think they were trying to sell the idea that this was a “hot” workout, but personally, I much preferred the simplicity of the white background.  I could’ve also done without the scenes where the Playmates bring their boyfriends along to workout with them.  (“Exercise is rapidly becoming a co-ed affair!”)

For variety, there are sequences set in the backyard of the Playboy Mansion.  Playmates workout on exercise bikes and rowing machines, before hopping into Hef’s pool for some water exercises as well as a little recreational swimming.  Naturally, the slow-motion scenes of the Playmates jumping up and down on trampolines in slow motion is the highlight.  

Most of the time, the music accompanying the aerobics sessions are generic ‘80s instrumentals.  However, sometimes segments are accompanied by pop music like Paul Davis’s “I Go Crazy”, Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” and “Get Down on It”, Shalamar’s “Night to Remember”, Kenny Nolan’s “Soft Rock, Hard Love”, Frankie Valli’s “My Eyes Adored You”, and The Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman”.

As one can expect, there is very little here in the way of aerobic instruction.  There's more slow motion and long gazing shots of the women’s bodies than your typical workout video.  I mean, what did you expect?  This is Playboy after all.  Of course half the workouts are going to be shot like a video pictorial from the Playboy Channel!  If you want actual instruction, go watch that Jane Fonda crap!  

In an age where hardcore pornography is just a click away, all of this seems a little tame and innocent.  If you’re like me and enjoyed those nights back in the ‘80s when the Playboy Channel had their “Free Previews”, you should enjoy Playmate Workout.  If it fails at being a comprehensive workout, or comes up short as erotica, it certainly hits the right notes in the nostalgia department.  

AKA:  Playboy Playmate Workout.

PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND (2021) **

In order to entice viewers, studios often put blurbs from critics on the movie poster.  Prisoners of the Ghostland might have the first poster in history that features a blurb from its star.  In this case, it’s Nicolas Cage who proclaims, “The Wildest Movie I’ve Ever Made!” at the bottom of the artwork.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, nothing will.

Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure I agree with that bold statement.  Sure, there are moments of weirdness that stand out.  It’s just that the flick never really cuts loose and gets crazy enough to live up to Cage’s proclamation.    

Cage stars as a bank robber who is tasked with finding the daughter (Sofia Boutella from The Mummy) of Bill Moseley.  He is outfitted with a suit that is rigged with various bombs, so if he fails to complete his mission and/or gets other ideas, it will detonate and leave Cage without vital parts of his anatomy.  Once he’s suited up, he ventures into the post-apocalyptic wasteland to find her.

Prisoners of the Ghostland is weird, sure, but a lot of it feels like a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  Like when Cage is about to leave on his mission and the town stands around and sings a nursery rhyme in unison… because… it’s weird.  Don’t confuse weirdness for originality as much of the film feels like recycled elements from other movies.  There are bits from post-apocalyptic actioners, Spaghetti Westerns, samurai dramas, and even other Cage flicks (like Drive Angry).  However, it never quite feels like a cohesive vision; just parts from other genre pictures that have been slapped together with Krazy Glue.  

Moseley is a lot of fun as the villain.  I’m not sure why it took so long for he and Cage to cross paths in a movie, but he pretty much steals the show as his character is basically a mashup of Colonel Sanders, Boss Hogg, and Foghorn Leghorn.  

Cage’s performance is a disappointing mixed bag.  For much of the running time, he is in Somber Cage Mode, but occasionally (like the movie itself), he hints at something more interesting lurking in the shadows.  Sometimes, he will slide into random outbursts of Cage Rage.  Take for instance, his line reading of the word, “Testicle”.  Only Cage could’ve come up with that.  On the downside, Cage has made so many of these offbeat movies now that he is starting to repeat himself.  Whenever he breaks out his Kung Fu moves in this flick, there’s a hint of Elvis in his posture and facial movements (like Honeymoon in Vegas).  During one such scene, he even blurts out his catchphrase from Deadfall, “Hi-Fuckin’-Ya!”  On one hand, it’s sorta funny for him to do a callback to one of his most famous performances.  On the other, it just sorta reveals that there isn’t a whole lot up his sleeve this time around.  (Aside from the detonator that is.)

Prisoners of the Ghostland is not without its moments.  There just isn’t enough of them to make it worthwhile.  It particularly goes off the rails as it enters the third act.  Not that a movie like this one had a firm grasp of the rails to begin with.

BLOOD SALVAGE (1990) *

Say you’re boxer Evander Holyfield and you’re months away from fighting Buster Douglas for the heavyweight championship of the world. How do you prepare for the fight of your life?  By producing and making a cameo in a shitty low budget horror flick, of course. 

Wheelchair bound teenage beauty queen April (Lori Birdsong) goes up and down the south with her family in their RV participating in beauty pageants. She catches the eye of a seemingly harmless looking tow truck driver named Jake (Danny Nelson) who helps the family when their RV breaks down. Little do they know he’s also in the spare parts business. And we’re not talking auto parts. We’re talking body parts as he keeps half dead people locked in his shed and sells off their organs on the black market to a seedy doctor (Ray Walston). 

Blood Salvage is a turgid mix of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (killer redneck family), Eaten Alive (the family keeps a gator on the premises), and Motel Hell (the half dead victims wailing). If it was just crude and dumb it would be one thing but the constant scenes of a paraplegic in peril are often tasteless and the scene where the killers suck out a little boy’s spinal fluid is borderline reprehensible. Even more offensive is the fact that it clocks in at a whopping ninety-eight minutes, which is about twenty minutes longer than it had any right being. 

If you’re curious to see it just for the participation of Holyfield, you might be disappointed. He’s only in one scene near the beginning as a carnie boxer. It has no bearing on the story whatsoever and his appearance was probably little more than a perk for being a producer. John Saxon also appears as the beauty queen’s father but he’s more or less wasted and gets sidelined for much of the movie once he gets captured. Walston looks like he’d rather be someplace else. Despite the progressive notion of having its main character be a handicapped beauty queen, our heroine is more annoying than sympathetic as her constant whining quickly becomes grating.  

In short, Blood Salvage belongs on the scrap pile.

CYBER VENGEANCE (1995) * ½

Will (J. Gregory Smith) is a guard/computer programmer in a virtual reality prison where inmates are kept in a state of perpetual virtual historical warfare.  When the sleazy warden (Robert Davi) finds out he’s befriending the prisoners, he puts Will into the virtual reality simulator.  He then pits Will in virtual combat against a bunch of rich fat cats who pay big money to hunt the prisoners in virtual reality.  

The early scenes are the best.  The opening sequence where Will is working the bugs out of a virtual reality fighting game held a lot of promise.  Not only does it feature Debbie Rochon as the video game princess; we also have Matthias Hues as “Thor”, the video game villain.  Shortly thereafter, there’s a great moment where Will is having sex with a big-boobed bimbo and his wife walks in to find him humping the couch while wearing his VR helmet.  Sadly, it’s all downhill from there.  

The rest of the film is a slow moving, dreary, bore.  It haphazardly hops around from genre to genre, which makes it hard to get your bearings.  Parts are like Tron, Lawnmower Man, The Most Dangerous Game, and Mortal Kombat.  None of it ever really gels.  

The early VR scenes are a heck of a lot more fun than all the historical battles and fights.  The virtual warfare scenes take place during Vietnam, the Civil War, and the Revolutionary War, among others.  (The Prohibition and western scenes are particularly draggy.)  The lurching back and forth between time periods gets monotonous almost instantly.  It often feels like the filmmakers just had a bunch of leftover props, costumes, and sets from other movies and tried to write a feature around what was available.  Either that, or it was one of those deals where they filmed a television series where each time period made up an entire episode.  Then, they realized they couldn’t sell it, and re-edited it into a feature.  That would go a long way to explaining the completely unsatisfying cliffhanger ending.  

Davi returned for the sequel, Absolute Aggression the following year.  That flick might explain what the heck happened after the abrupt ending of this one.  I’m not exactly itching to find out though.  

AKA:  Nexxus.  AKA:  Virtual Hell.  

GNAW: FOOD OF THE GODS 2 (1989) *** ½

A cancer research center is constantly pestered by college students who protest the fact they conduct tests on animals.  When the protestors break into the facility, they accidentally unleash some lab rats that ate a bunch of experimental growth hormone.  Pretty soon, there’s a bunch of giant rats on the loose and only scientist Paul (Chopping Mall) Coufos can stop them.  

I don’t know why they waited thirteen years to make a sequel to Bert I. Gordon’s The Food of the Gods, but I’m kind of glad they did.  Directed by Damien (Abraxus, Guardian of the Universe) Lee, Gnaw:  Food of the Gods 2 is the kind of bad movie I enjoy.  It’s certainly a lot more fun than the original.  While the first one had a big-name cast fighting giant chickens, worms, and rats, this one has a bunch of Canadians fighting giant rats.  (A scientist does wear a chicken pin on his lab coat, which I think is a nod to the original.)  

Oh, and there’s a subplot about a giant toddler too.  (Three years before Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.)  The effect for the (big) little boy is just as bad as something Gordon would’ve done.  You’ve got to love the fact that even though this movie came out thirteen years after the original, they were still using the same (if not worse) effects.  

As dumb as a lot of this is, I have to admit it is dumb fun as there is some hilarious stuff here.  I especially loved the scene of the hero scientist working in his lab that is scored and edited like a Rocky training montage.  I also got a kick out of the exterminator who looks and acts like Clint Eastwood whose preferred method of killing rats is a flamethrower.  Then there’s the insane part where a scientist cuts his finger on a slide containing the growth formula mixed with cancer cells and he turns into a giant, pulsating, dripping tumor man!  My favorite moment though was when Coufos is having a hot sex dream and then he starts growing to absurd size during sex!  Who needs Viagra when you got that experimental growth formula!  

More stupid, but irresistible shit:  The trusty Jaws subplot that rears its head in the final act.  (Maybe they just should’ve called it Gnaws?)  Even though there are giant rats on the loose, the dean refuses to close the campus because the synchronized swimming competition must go on as scheduled!  I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, but I’m glad screenwriter Mike Werb (who would go on to write Darkman 3:  Die, Darkman!  Die! and Face/Off) did.

You’ve got to hand it to Lee.  He knows how to stage a giant rat attack.  Rats bite hands, maul faces, chomp on necks, and tear off arms.  In one scene, a guy gets attacked by a rat while taking a piss.  It all ends with a cliffhanger that unfortunately never got paid off.  I for one would’ve loved to have seen Chomp:  Food of the Gods 3.  Heck, I would’ve even settled for Nibble:  Food of the Gods 3.

AKA:  Food of the Gods 2.