PARADISE (1982) *

Paradise is a blatant rip-off of The Blue Lagoon.  Only this time, instead of two youngsters discovering love on a desert isle, it’s two youngsters discovering love in a desert.  As with The Blue Lagoon, the only reason the film exists is as a showcase for its young leading lady to go au natural.  Both films are pretty terrible, but I have to give this one a slight edge, if only because I’m a big Phoebe Cates fan.  

A nefarious sheik named The Jackal (Tuvia Tavi) spies the young Sarah (Cates) in a traveling caravan and decides he must have her for his harem.  He and his soldiers raid the hapless travelers, killing everyone but Sarah and a young Christian pilgrim named David (Willie Aames), who escape to the desert on camelback.  After wandering through the sand for a few days, they come to the idyllic shoreline where they build a home together.  Eventually, the pair hit puberty and let nature take its course.  

Written and directed by Stuart (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3) Gillard, Paradise is a mess.  The first act is decent, but the wheels fall off quickly once Aames and Cates start playing Ken and Barbie in the Coconut Dream House.  To make matters worse, the comic relief chimpanzee will get on your nerves real fast.  The scene where it starts masturbating is rather dire, although with Cates walking around nude so much, I can’t say I blame him.  

It’s kind of funny seeing Aames playing such a holier-than-thou Christian since he would eventually go on to become Bibleman.  Cates, who also got nude in Fast Times at Ridgemont High from the same year, is the only real reason to watch it.  Her shower in an underground waterfall is appropriately steamy, although I’m sure you could just watch that clip on Mr. Skin or something and spare yourself from sitting through the rest of this inane garbage.

OUR FRIEND POWER 5 (1989) **

If you were alive in the late ‘80s, you’ll remember that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were all the rage.  If you were a youngster in that era, you probably even saw the Turtles movies in theaters.  However, you probably haven’t seen this South Korean rip-off that actually beat the first Turtles movie to theaters by about a year.  Sure, it’s bad, but it’s better than about half of the movies in the “official” Ninja Turtles series.  

A space princess and her team of Turtles are being pursued across the galaxy by the evil Shark Gang.  Their ship crash lands on Earth where they are befriended by a young Taekwondo expert, a bumbling idiot, and a kid with telekinetic powers.  Eventually, they all team up to put an end to the Shark Gang’s tyranny.  

The Turtles costumes aren’t bad, all things considered.  They look almost identical to the Playmates action figures and resemble a high-end Party City costume rental.  In fact, they’re the most memorable thing about this spotty would-be cult item.  

To be fair, there’s a lot of memorable stuff here.  Like the fact that the so-called “Shark Gang” are actually rat-men (who look like Master Splinter, if you can believe it).  Or the fact that the space sequences, mech battles, and flashbacks are shown in the form of stolen footage from a Go-Bots cartoon.  There is also one legitimately funny scene where a kid dresses up like a vampire to scare his friends, and the Turtles, thinking he is the default human form, transform themselves into vampires to “blend in” with the earthlings.  

As much goofy shit is in this movie, the highlights are just too infrequent to certify it as a WTF masterpiece.  It would, however, make for a good Copywrite Infringement Triple Feature with The Dragon Lives Again and 3 Giant Men.  It’s not quite the camp classic I hoped it would be, but the crappy movie connoisseur in me is certainly glad I saw it.  I mean, how can you not want to see it with screengrabs like this:

SPIRAL: FROM THE BOOK OF SAW (2021) ***

Chris Rock (who was also an executive producer) stars as a detective who once ratted out some dirty cops.  Because of that, no one in his department trusts him.  When his partner is murdered by a copycat Jigsaw killer, he gets advice from his old man (and former captain), played by Samuel L. Jackson.  Naturally, dear old dad goes missing too, and it’s up to Rock to stop the Jigsaw wannabe before his father becomes the next victim.

Directed by Darren Lynn (Saw 2, 3, and 4) Bousman, Spiral:  From the Book of Saw has a solid amount of gore, a snappy pace, and some genuine laughs to boot.  It’s easily the best Saw movie since the original.  The sequels always went sideways when they tried to cram a bunch of Jigsaw flashbacks into the current timeline (which is gonna happen when you kill off your killer in Part 3).  This one plays out in a straightforward manner (not counting the flashbacks to Rock’s earlier case), and it’s all the better for it.  The narrative flows so much better when you don’t try to shoehorn Jigsaw in there every ten minutes.

Chris Rock is really funny in this.  He brings his own comic persona into the film without it feeling ill-fitting or intrusive to the narrative.  He cracks a lot of jokes, makes a bunch of pop culture references about Forrest Gump, New Jack City, and The Wire (there are also a couple clever nods to Jackson’s work in Pulp Fiction), and gets laughs more often than not.  Rock also does a fine job while essaying the more dramatic emotions required of the role, but his sense of humor helps to elevate Spiral far above the tired and interchangeable sequels.  Rock’s rapport with Samuel L. Jackson certainly helps too, and I hope they are paired in more films because they have a lot of chemistry together.  

The Jigsaw traps won’t rank among the series’ best, but they are all gruesome and effective.  There’s a tongue-ripping apparatus, a set of extreme Chinese finger cuffs, a fileting, waterboarding with molten lead, a glass shredder, and a puppet string IV contraption.  In short, there’s plenty of gore to keep fans happy until the next sequel spirals its way around.

Official Saw Ranking:

1. Saw

2. Spiral:  From the Book of Saw

3. Saw 3

4. Saw 2

5. Saw 6

6. Saw 5

7. Saw 3D

8. Jigsaw

9. Saw 4

AKA:  Spiral.  AKA:  Spiral:  From the Legacy of Saw.  AKA:  Saw 9:  Spiral.  AKA:  Saw:  Spiral.  AKA:  Spiral:  Saw.

THE SCARY OF SIXTY-FIRST (2021) ** ½

The Scary of Sixty-First is a throwback to the low budget Mumblegore movies of the early part of the 21st century.  It takes place in mostly one location, has a small cast, and is an awfully slow burn.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  

Noelle (Madeline Quinn) and Addie (Betsey Brown) rent a swanky New York apartment that has a weird layout.  Almost immediately, they start having bad dreams and amped up horniness.  The pair soon drift apart, mostly due to the bad juju in the apartment.  Addie spends more time with her dopey boyfriend (Mark Rapaport) and Noelle invites a nosy reporter (Dasha Nekrasova, who also directed) into the apartment (and her bed).  The reporter is convinced the apartment was once owned by none other than Jeffrey Epstein and that it has bad intentions for Noelle and Addie.  

The fact that Nekrasova makes Jeffrey Epstein a plot point may make some cry “Too soon!”.  However, if they had used some fictionalized version of the sleazy billionaire, it wouldn’t have the same effect.  Because of that, The Scary of Sixty-First has a little bit more of a bite to it than you might expect.  Using real photos of Epstein, Ghislane Maxwell, his island compound, etc. is sort of in bad taste at times, but at least it makes the film stand out in a sea of trauma-based indie horror flicks.  

While there are visual nods to both Polanski and Kubrick, overall, Nekrasova’s style is rather mundane.  That’s a good thing though, because when something random or strange happens (like when Brown uses tabloid clippings of Prince Andrew to masturbate), it registers with a larger impact.  As with most slow burns, you can abide being jerked around as long as the director delivers the goods in the final reel.  I can’t quite say that Nekrasova was able to stick the landing, but she got close enough to the runway to make me curious to see what she’ll do next.

MAX CLOUD (2020) **

A teenage girl named Sarah (Isabelle Allen) gets sucked into her favorite video game, a sci-fi beat ‘em up called Max Cloud.  She takes the form of a lowly crew member named Jake (Elliot James Langridge) and must help the hero, Max (Scott Adkins) fight space Ninjas, repair his ship, and find a way off the hostile planet of Heinous.  Naturally, if Sarah dies in the video game, she’ll die for real, so she has her friend Cowboy (Franz Drameh) play as her character and make it all the way to the final level so she can find a way home.  

The obvious inspiration for Max Cloud was Jumanji:  Welcome to the Jungle.  It does the same exact “sucked into a video game” set-up, except on a much cheaper budget.  The obvious difference is that this video game is a space adventure, which comes with a certain amount of amusing potential.  It doesn’t work nearly as well as Jumanji, but at least it offers Adkins an opportunity to flex is comedic chops a bit.  

Adkins seems to be having fun as the hopelessly square and macho hero.  His posturing is especially amusing during the fight scenes as his movements, punches, and kicks look like your typical 16-Bit character.  Some of the fights are highlighted by occasional bits of funny gore, which look about on par with your average ‘90s side scroller.  They aren’t particularly great or anything, but at least the editing and choreography is solid for the most part.  

Max Cloud had a modicum amount of potential, but it ultimately shoots its wad early on and never is able to repeat its early success.  The big problem is the character of Jake.  There really isn’t a whole lot to him, and his character is too thinly written to make you root for him.  Whereas Jumaji did a great job at making you feel like the teenage characters were trapped in their video game avatars’ bodies, here, Jake just sort of looks and acts like your typical callow sidekick.  The stuff with Cowboy playing the video game and being guided by Sarah’s disembodied voice is also a little goofy and doesn’t quite land like it should.  

If you’re a fan of Adkins, Max Cloud is worth a look if only to see him using his physical skills and implementing them into an atypical vehicle.  He certainly gets to show a little more range here than he has in the past.  It’s just a shame that the flimsy script never really exploits the concept to its fullest potential.  Maybe if they scrapped the whole video game scenario and just made it a pure ‘90s throwback, it might’ve worked.  (The only really amusing video game segment is the final boss level, where things switch over to a Mortal Kombat-style fighting game.)  As it is, Max Coud is a near-miss.

AKA:  The Intergalactic Adventures of Max Cloud.

SNAKE EYES: G.I. JOE ORIGINS (2021) **

I enjoyed G.I. Joe:  The Rise of Cobra more than most, and really loved G.I. Joe:  Retaliation, so I was kind of bummed that Hasbro went back to the drawing board with the G.I. Joe movie franchise.  I would assume that this origin story of the silent Ninja Snake Eyes was meant as a springboard for more G.I. Joe adventures, but given the lukewarm response, that probably won’t happen.  Still, with tempered expectations, it’s sporadically enjoyable, even if it never quite figures out what it wants to be.  

When he was a young boy, Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) saw his father murdered and vowed revenge.  Later in life, he saves his friend Tommy (Andrew Koji) from the clutches of the yakuza.  As a reward, his grateful pal takes him back home to his fortified palace to train as a Ninja.  Snake Eyes is then forced to decide to betray Tommy in order to fulfill his quest for revenge.

I’m a sucker for a good yakuza revenge flick, so the first half or so of Snake Eyes was kind of fun.  Words like loyalty, honor, and friendship get tossed around so much that you just know that someone is going to be disloyal and dishonorable and ruin a perfectly good friendship.  Surprisingly, the film kind of falters when it tries to link up to the G.I. Joe universe.  While I enjoyed seeing Samara Weaving (well, I always enjoy seeing Samara Weaving) as the ass-kicking Scarlett, the new actress they got to be the Baroness just can’t hold a candle to Sienna Miller in Rise of Cobra.  This is particularly a problem once you learn she’s essentially the “big bad” of the piece.  

As for Golding, he’s OK I guess.  It’s probably more the fault of the thin characterization in the script than his ability as an actor.  I mean it really says something about how flimsy the writing is when the character from the other films (who wore a mask and remained totally silent) was a lot more entertaining to watch.  

The action is a bit of a letdown too.  I mean why get Iko Uwais to be Hard Master and then not let him kick a bunch of ass?  At least he gets more to do here than he did in The Force Awakens, but it still seems like a blown opportunity if you ask me.  The rest of the swordplay and shootouts would’ve been fine had it not been for the rapid editing and slipshod choreography.  

So, if you want to see a G.I. Joe movie that only has about 15% G.I. Joe stuff in it, you might enjoy Snake Eyes:  G.I. Joe Origins.  I sort of dug the yakuza drama in the first half, but the fun sort of dried up once it became a more generic action flick.  Maybe next time (that is, if there is a next time), they’ll make a G.I. Joe flick that has more than four goddamned G.I. Joe characters in it.  

AKA:  Snake Eyes.  AKA:  G.I. Joe Origins:  Snake Eyes.  

MITCH ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

This week, I was once again fortunate enough to be asked to appear on the Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast.  This time around, Matt and I discussed the cinematic legacy of Kung Fu schlockmeister Godfrey Ho.  So, strap on your “Ninja” headbands and fire up your Garfield phones and check it out:  DTVC Podcast 99 "Ninja Terminator" and "Robo Vampire" (talkshoe.com)