THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: STREAM AND STREAM AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN…

It’s that time of the year once again.  Time to put everything else on hold and watch nothing but horror flicks from dusk till dawn.  For the month of October, I will be streaming 31 horror movies from 31 different sources, whether they be streaming online, through my TV, or on my Roku player.  

Since my schedule doesn’t really permit me to post a horror movie review a day, I will instead be uploading them whenever I have the time.  Rest assured; I will review at least 31 of them.  As in previous years, the festivities will continue far past October 31st as I will be watching and reviewing any and all miscellaneous horror flicks under the “Halloween Hangover” banner.  

I can’t wait to see what this month has in store for us.  Will the movies be tricks?  Or will they be treats?  Only one way to find out, so let’s get trick-or-treating!

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 2 (1996) *** ½

This second installment of trailer trash from Something Weird kicks off with a fantastic trailer for a Kung Fu double feature of Devil Woman and Dragons Never Die that manages to steal taglines from Last House on the Left (“Keep Repeating:  IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!”), Children of the Damned ("Beware the Eyes That Paralyze!”), AND come up with an amazing tagline of their own (“Take Yo’ Mama to See It Before Someone Else Does!”).  Other great taglines belong to TNT Jackson (“With That Dynamite Bod, She’s a Jet-Black Hit Squad!”), Killers Three (“Dick Clark…A Guy with a Gun!”), and Crypt of Dark Secrets (“You Pay for the Whole Seat… You’ll Only Use the Edge!”).

What makes this installment so much fun is the vast variety of exploitation subgenres on display.  It doesn’t focus on a particular one for too long before moving on to another, and that makes for a breezy good time.  There’s crime (The Italian Connection and The Outside Man), Blaxploitation (Car Wash and Hit Man), Burt Reynolds vehicles (White Lightning and Shamus), ‘70s Coming of Age comedies (Teenage Graffiti and The Van), pseudo-documentaries (The Devil’s Triangle and The Force Beyond), Italian Horror (Suspiria and Hatchet for the Honeymoon), William Girdler movies (Asylum of Satan and Three on a Meathook), biker flicks (The Born Losers and Devil’s Angels), and sexy ‘70s Sci-Fi (Galaxina and The Love Factor), just to name a few.

The highlight is the trailer for The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow (AKA:  Invasion of the Girl Snatchers) in which offscreen producers try to come up with a better title for the movie.  I also enjoyed being lulled into a trance by the Hypno-Wheel for “The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror” Spook Show.  There’s also a long stretch of trailers for WTF kid’s movies (Puss N’ Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, and The Wonderful Land of Oz) that is sure to befuddle any dyed-in-the-wool fan of psychotronic cinema.  

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Devil Woman/Dragons Never Die, Challenge to Survive, The Impossible Years, Las Vegas Lady, The Thing with Two Heads, The Italian Connection, The Outside Man, Car Wash, TNT Jackson, Kansas City Bomber, Lipstick, A Bullet for Pretty Boy, Jackson County Jail, White Lightning, Shamus, Arnold, The Devil’s Triangle, The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow, The Killer Elite, Teenage Graffiti, Killers Three, The Van, Hit Man, The Black Six, Sting of the Dragon Masters, Beyond the Door, The Night Child, The Force Beyond, Crypt of Dark Secrets, The Legend of McCullough's Mountain, Asylum of Satan, Suspiria, Torso, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, Three on a Meathook, The Manitou, Mandingo, The Born Losers, Cornbread Earl and Me, Carry on Camping, Up in the Cellar, Devil's Angels, Eye of the Cat, The Dirty Outlaws, Fearless Fighters, Infra-Man, Slumber Party Massacre, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Phantasm, Puss 'n Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, The Wonderful Land of Oz, Battle Beyond the Stars, Galaxina, The Love Factor, Invasion of the Bee Girls, Raw Meat, The Devil's Wedding Night, Deathmaster, The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror, and The Mad Doctor of Blood Island.

CHINA GIRL (1974) **

China Girl is a slick looking, but mostly dull ‘70s Kung Fu/Spy/Porno flick.  James freakin’ Hong stars as the leader of Dragon, a crime syndicate who is eager to get their hands on a top-secret mind control formula.  He kidnaps the high-ranking scientists who created the formula, and eventually sets his sights on sexy scientist Annette Haven.  It’s then up to a handsome stud spy (Tom Douglass) to save her.  

Much more than your average run-of-the-mill porno, China Girl looks fairly expensive, and with the participation of Hong (who really was no stranger to dirty movies), it often feels like a “real” film that somehow wound up with a handful of hardcore scenes spliced in here and there.  Haven (who was only appearing in her second movie) looks sexy as always and further helps give the proceedings a touch of class.  Haven naturally figures into the big centerpiece sex scene, where she is “interrogated” by four of Dragon’s sexy female agents (and then three male ones).  It’s a good showcase for her charms, although it never quite gets your blood boiling.  

The other sex scenes are few and far between, which is the big problem.  (They also suffer from having dialogue scenes intercut with the action, which prevents them from gaining momentum.)  If you can’t really deliver on the XXX action, you should at least make sure the Kung Fu fights, action, and espionage drama is up to par.  That isn’t the case, however.  These sequences might be “good for a porno”, but they wouldn’t cut it in a real Hollywood production.  

If you’re looking for a down and dirty flick, you might be a little disappointed.  If you want an old school XXX movie that has more plot than hardcore action, this will fit the bill.  If anything, China Girl is a reminder of the days when dirty movies tried to be respectable.  Unfortunately, this one might just be a little too respectable for its own good.

MY DINNER WITH HERVE (2018) ** ½

Herve Villechaize was a little person with a larger-than-life personality.  He wasn’t exactly a great actor, but he had that certain something that made him a star.  Like most stars, he succumbed to excess.  However, he left his mark on the world of pop culture portraying one of the most memorable James Bond henchmen, Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun and Tattoo on Fantasy Island.  My Dinner with Herve is a frustrating, yet fitfully absorbing biopic that never quite lives up to its subject.  

Peter Dinklage is excellent as Herve.  Although he doesn’t look a whole lot like Herve (who does?), he captures his voice and mannerisms quite well.  Jamie Dornan isn’t nearly as memorable as the ex-alcoholic reporter who is hired to pen a fluff piece on Villechaize, and predictably, gets more than he bargained for.  

Villechaize is a fascinating person.  In addition to being a beloved movie star, he was also an accomplished painter.  While we catch glimpses on what the real Herve must’ve been like, the film often wallows in the cliched tabloid rags to riches to rags stuff found in most biopics.  The framework doesn’t do the movie any favors either, and every time the focus switches from Herve to the reporter’s personal woes, things stop dead in their tracks.  (It’s ham-fistedly telegraphed that the reporter is ultimately going to learn a big lesson from Herve and clean himself up before it’s too late.)  I can’t help but imagine what the flick could’ve been if it had settled on a more straightforward storytelling device.  

Luckily, whenever Dinklage is on screen (which is often), it’s a lot of fun.  I could nitpick a lot more about the storytelling choices (his role in Forbidden Zone isn’t even mentioned), but the fact remains that this is a great vehicle for Dinklage.  If you’re a fan of either he or Villechaize, it’s worth watching, even if it isn’t wholly satisfying.  I also enjoyed seeing Andy Garcia playing Villechaize’s Fantasy Island co-star, Ricardo Montalban.  It’s just a shame he’s portrayed as such a one-note character.  (The guy they got to play Roger Moore for the Man with the Golden Gun scenes is awesome though.)  David Strathairn is quite good too as Herve’s long-suffering agent.

GIRLS AT THE GYNECOLOGIST (1973) **

Girls at the Gynecologist is a rip-off of the Schoolgirl Report series.  This time instead of some reporter investigating the sexual mores of young schoolgirls, we have a gynecologist (we never see his face as all the examination scenes are done in first-person POV) who examines young schoolgirls.  Afterwards, they describe for the doctor the circumstances that brought them into his office.  The girls range in age from fourteen to twenty.  

The first girl loses her virginity on a train to a cocky stranger.  When he fails to satisfy her, she turns her attention to a sexy, older lesbian photographer.  The next young lady feels a burning sensation down in her nether region and gets checked out, only to learn that the fling she had while on vacation has left her with a case of the clap.  Another gal goes to the doctor for birth control against her prudish mother’s wishes.  The next patient is a promiscuous teenager with a clueless father who gets an STD from a burly construction worker.  Another is gang raped by a pack of bikers.  The next segment is the most humorous as a self-conscious girl with a small bustline wants bigger boobs and is reminded of huge breasts wherever she goes.  In the final tale, the doctor fights to save a woman’s life after her boyfriend forces her to have a back-alley abortion.  

Despite the lurid title (which was just a retitling to lure in more viewers), there’s nothing especially titillating here.  There are couple of graphic speculum shots during the exam scenes (which look like they were spliced in from another source to add a little spice to the otherwise bland goings on), but that’s not nearly enough to make it memorable.  It’s definitely not as much fun as the Schoolgirl Report series, and the uneven tone from segment to segment doesn’t help matters either.  

If you want to see girls at the gynecologist, then Girls at the Gynecologist will be the movie for you.  It delivers on exactly what the title promises.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Those hoping for something more will be let down. 

AKA:  Teenage Sex Report.  AKA:  The Teeny Boppers.

THE CAPITOL CONSPIRACY (1999) ***

When Don “The Dragon” Wilson was a kid, the government stuck him in a lab and experimented on his brain.  Now a federal agent, he uses psychic powers to hunt down criminals.  The persons of interest on his latest assignment seem to have similar powers of ESP.  When they all wind up dead under mysterious circumstances, Don begins to suspect someone is trying to cover up the top-secret project… and that he might be the next victim.  

Directed by Fred Olen Ray and produced by Roger Corman, The Capitol Conspiracy delivers just about what you would expect from a Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie directed by Fred Olen Ray and produced by Roger Corman.  There are plenty of fight scenes, gratuitous nudity, and well… that’s about it.  Then again, that’s about all you need.

Since this is a Ray picture, it’s fun seeing his usual cast of cohorts popping up here and there.  Richard Gabai turns up as a Fed, Robert Quarry is a senior agent, and best of all, Wendy Schumaker (using the name Alexander Keith) is Wilson’s busty partner.  We also get Jim Wynorski favorite, Arthur Roberts as one of Wilson’s superiors, Skinamax legend Paul Michael Robinson as an assassin, and none other than Barbara freakin’ Steele as Wilson’s boss.  Say what you will about the film’s shortcomings, but I say anytime you get to see Barbara Steele barking orders at Don “The Dragon” Wilson, it can’t be all bad.  

The surprisingly sturdy script keeps finding ways for Wilson to kickbox his way out of one predicament or the other, which helps keep things moving at a steady clip.  (Drunken wrestlers sexually harassing stewardesses on a plane, surly bikers in a bar finding out he’s a cop, etc.)  I also liked the fact that Wilson’s psychic tendencies help him out of a couple of jams, like when he is able to jump over (and under) a speeding car during a big chase scene. 

Ray (who also turns up in a cameo as a gunman) brings his usual proficiency to the Skinamax-style sex and nude scenes, which further help to liven up the proceedings.  The only real debit is the constant use of black and white flashbacks to Wilson being experimented on as a kid.  They’re mostly only there to pad out the running time, but they aren’t too intrusive overall.  Too bad the ending just sort of fizzles out.

Wilson is his usual charismatic self, but it’s Wendy Schumacher who steals the movie.  She looks great and is equally impressive while toting a gun as she is participating in nude scenes.  This was her last major role and it’s a shame she didn’t stick around in the business because she was always a welcome presence in these kinds of films.

AKA:  Prophet.  AKA:  Fist of Doom.

REVENGE OF THE SHOGUN WOMEN (1982) ****

From the makers of the excellent 3-D Kung Fu flick, Dynasty comes another awesome chopsocky classic that utilizes exploitation pioneer Michael Findlay’s “Super Depth” 3-D process.  It’s chockfull of stuff flying out of the screen.  Usually, whenever I review a 3-D movie, I give a rundown of all the 3-D effects that leap out at the audience.  If I did that for Revenge of the Shogun Women, this review would be ten-thousand words long.  Just know that tons of swords, fireballs, spears, arrows, sticks, lanterns, and poles jut out of the screen at a breakneck pace.  Many of these effects occur during a scene transition, which effectively works as a jump scare.  (I jumped more than once.)  If that isn’t a recommendation, I don’t know what is.  

Like Dynasty, Revenge of the Shogun Women is a rather typical Kung Fu movie that is enhanced by the omnipotent 3-D effects.  This one has an added dose of the rape n’ revenge genre, which gives it a little bit more of a nastier edge than Dynasty.  There’s also a terrific synthesizer score that sounds like something John Carpenter would’ve cooked up, which helps heighten the tension.

Bandits roam from village to village, ransacking homes, killing men, and raping women.  The rape victims are then sent to convents where their heads are shaved, and they are taught Kung Fu.  When the bandits interrupt a doctor and his bride’s nuptials, they turn to the Shogun Women for help.  The bald Buddhist babes eventually agree to help battle the bandits. 

The effects are gratuitous.  If you’re one of those people who like 3-D movies to admire the depth and scope of the frame, then this isn’t the flick for you.  If you’re like me and want to see a 3-D film that takes full advantage of the medium and constantly bombard the audience with stuff popping out at the screen, then this is the movie you’ve been waiting for.  This is the kind of 3-D film where a character says they’re going to a carnival, and it doesn’t advance the plot at all.  It just gives the filmmakers an excuse to film sword swallowers, knife throwers, and flame eaters hurling more crap at the audience’s eyeballs.  There’s also a great moment when the main Shogun Woman reveals her identity to the villain, triggering a rapid-fire array of flashbacks that play like a greatest hits compilation of all the 3-D effects that previously occurred in the film.  That is to say, it’s awesome.

AKA:  13 Golden Nuns.  AKA:  Revenge.  AKA:  13 Nuns.