THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #5: HELLRAISER (2022) *

(Streamed via Hulu)

My hope going into the new Hellraiser was that it would at the very least be better than the last six installments.  It really wasn’t asking a whole lot as they were without a doubt some of the worst DTV sequels ever made.  Sadly, this dreary reboot could’ve even clear that incredibly low bar.  

I guess I should’ve known it was going to suck since it went straight to Hulu.  The last time Hulu released a Clive Barker adaptation we got the abysmal Books of Blood.  Shockingly enough, this might even be worse than that turd.  

The first thing you should know about Hellraiser ’22 is that it is over two hours long.  There is no reason why any Hellraiser movie needs to be that length.  As bad as Hellraiser 9 and 10 were, at least they were short.  In fact, you could almost watch them back-to-back in the time it takes you to sit through this thing. 

Odessa A’zion stars as a former drug addict fighting to stay clean.  She has a fight with her brother about rent, so she and her boyfriend figure stealing a mysterious box and fencing it will put them in the money.  Little does she know the box is the Lament Configuration, and when she opens it, the box sends her brother straight to Hell.  She does some research on the box and traces it back to a reclusive billionaire who…

Yes, this is all plot that happens BEFORE Pinhead (Jamie Clayton) shows up.  In fact, you have to wait SEVENTY minutes before she makes any kind of significant appearance.  At least at this point, if you were watching Hellraiser 9, it would be over, but this one still has a full FIFTY flippin’ minutes to go.  

If you ask me, director David Bruckner (taking a huge nosedive in quality from his last film, The Night House, which I reviewed the other day), should’ve cut back on all the Junkie Nancy Drew shit and got right to the Cenobite action.  Then again, the Cenobite action isn’t much to write home about either.  In fact, we only get ONE single cool moment when Pinhead sticks one of her pins into a dude’s neck and we see a POV shot from INSIDE his throat as the pin goes all the way through to the other side.  That lone moment of invention just can’t justify freaking two hours’ worth of drudgery.  

The slight redesign of Pinhead’s look is OK.  Jamie Clayton tries to do what she can with the role, although she isn’t given a whole lot to work with.  She isn’t a patch on Doug Bradley, but she can rest assured she is easily the second-best Pinhead.

I heard there’s now a Hellraiser TV series in development.  Since it’s directed by Halloween’s David Gordon Green, that will probably suck too.  Maybe if they’re smart, they’ll finally let the franchise go to Hell where it belongs. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #4: MAD MOVIE (2015) ****

(Streamed via AsianCrush)

After 28 Days Later, there were a glut of fast-moving zombie pictures.  After Saw, we got a lot of variations where characters were trapped in a “game” where they had to make do-or-die decisions.  There have also been a lot of horror flicks that use snuff movies as a plot device.  Mad Movie blurs the line between all three subgenres and the results are wildly successful.  This is one of the most kick-ass movies I have seen in a long time.    

Two aspiring filmmakers coax two pretty tourists to appear in their movie.  They sneak into a seemingly abandoned warehouse to shoot some test footage unaware that an unseen psycho has plans to make them the star of his own demented movie.  He’s placed cameras all around the premises and livestreams the carnage to a nearby movie theater where the rowdy patrons revel in seeing the “stars” stalked.

When things get slow, the “director” pushes a button which releases a gas that turns people into zombies that attack the “cast”.  Whenever he needs to spice things up, he unleashes another gas that makes everybody horny and bang each other.  When he REALLY wants to rile up the audience, he releases a gas that makes the zombies horny.  Folks, this is some of the finest horny zombie action I’ve ever seen.  

At seventy-four minutes, director Hideo Jojo keeps everything moving at a brisk pace.  Jojo can film a softcore sex scene just as good (if not better) as a zombie attack.  When he combines the two… LOOK OUT!  Not to be outdone, he also gives us a pretty great Kung Fu zombie scene in there as well.

Jojo also tosses in some interesting plot wrinkles (an actress’s fiancé is kidnapped and forced to watch her in the film) and delivers a great twist ending as well.  This is the first film of his that I’ve seen, and I look forward to seeing more from him soon.  He doesn’t seem to have a big following here in the States (heck, this flick doesn’t even have a listing on IMDb), but I hope that will change in the near future.  

In short, Mad Movie sure as heck lives up to its title! 

AKA:  Maze:  Secret Love.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #3: THE NIGHT HOUSE (2021) ** ½

(Streamed via HBO Max)

Rebecca Hall gives a devastating performance as a grieving woman who is despondent after the suicide of her husband (Evan Jonigkeit).  Soon after his death, she begins having strange dreams and starts to feel as if there is a supernatural presence in her house.  She eventually discovers her husband had some dark secrets, such as a string of affairs with women who look suspiciously like her.  Most troubling of all, is the fact he built a nearly identical home (except everything’s in reverse) in the middle of the woods.  

Without the strong central performance by Hall, The Night House would’ve crumbled like a house of cards.  She is electrifying and surprisingly funny too as she uses her grief as an excuse to spit venom at people who test her patience.  The standout scene is when she has a conference with a bitchy parent who wants to know why their kid got a C on an assignment.  This scene is a seriocomic masterpiece that ranks right up there with anything in Manchester by the Sea.  Too bad the horror stuff never comes close to getting under your skin the way this scene does.

Hall is surrounded by a great supporting cast too.  Vondie Curtis Hall has some strong scenes as a concerned neighbor who might have a clue as to Hall’s husband’s shenanigans.  Sarah (Barry) Goldberg is equally fine as Hall’s friend who might know more than she lets on.  

There were times I flirted with giving The Night House ***.  Unfortunately, the mystery behind Hall’s husband’s philandering and his ominous nocturnal carpentry is markedly less involving than the stuff with her grieving and drinking excessively.  The ending is a bit of a letdown too, which is the main reason I couldn’t quite recommend it (although it is well-worth seeing just for Hall alone).  On the plus side, director David Bruckner (who just directed the upcoming Hellraiser reboot) does a solid job establishing the mood and gives the scenes where Hall is alone in her home a nice creepy edge.  

Then again, they might not have been as effective if it wasn’t for Hall’s performance.  Usually, scenes of characters investigating strange noises down dark hallways get repetitive.  Since the ones in this flick feature Hall being surly after too many glasses of wine, they have an entertaining spark about them.  I just wish the script The Night House was built on had a better foundation.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #2: DEMONICUS (2001) **

(Streamed via The Archive)

A group of friends go hiking in the Italian Alps.  One dude goes into a cave and is possessed by the spirit of a bloodthirsty Roman gladiator.  Before long, he is walking around dressed like a Spirit Halloween version of Russell Crowe and starts slaughtering his friends in order to bring the gladiator back to life.

You can say what you will about Demonicus, but at the very least, it has a novel premise.  I’ve sat through a lot of low budget slashers in my time.  This is the first one I’ve seen where the killer is possessed by the spirit of a gladiator.  

As a slasher, it gets the job done.  The kills are competent enough, and director Jay (Trancers 6) Woelfel keeps them coming along at a relatively steady clip.  He also wastes no time establishing the unlikely set-up as our villain dons his gladiator get-up and has his first victim in the bag before the opening credits even have a chance to roll.  Unfortunately, as the film enters into its second half, the characters start to wander aimlessly in circles, and so does the movie.

The cast all hit their marks.  The only person I recognized was the Femalien herself, Venesa Talor.  I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more of her (if you know what I mean), but she does a fine job, nevertheless.   

All in all, Demonicus is a moderately proficient slasher.  While it still falls into some of the same pitfalls inherent in an early ‘00s low budget horror flick (poor sound, inconsistent digital cinematography, shoddy CGI effects, etc.), it remains memorable thanks to its wacky premise (although it’s played seriously enough) and kooky sequences.  Even though it’s mostly a throwback to ‘80s slashers, there were moments that harken back to other genre movies.  The scene where the killer keeps a damsel in distress tied up in a cave next to a rotting skeleton is a bit like Eegah!, the part where he puts a bunch of severed body parts in a cauldron is reminiscent of Blood Feast, and the melting finale owes more than a little to The Evil Dead.  These moments aren’t quite enough to save the flick, but they sure keep you watching.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #1: TRAILERS #10: HORROR CLASSICS OF THE 1930’S AND 1940’S (1992) ***

(Streamed via YouTube)

Even though I am partial to trailer compilations featuring films from the ‘70s and ‘80s, this is a really strong collection from the good folks at Something Weird, as it features a nice cross section of movies from the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Everything is covered from the atmospheric works of Val Lewton (I Walked with a Zombie, The Cat People, and The Seventh Victim) to prestigious pictures from major studios (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Hangover Square, and Arsenic and Old Lace) to Poverty Row productions (Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, and The Invisible Ghost).  My favorite ad was probably the one for Mark of the Vampire, hosted by Bela Lugosi himself.  There’s also a cool triple feature preview for Mark of the Vampire, The Mask of Fu Manchu, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde too.  Oh, and despite the title, there’s a couple of trailers for ‘50s movies such as Bride of the Gorilla, House of Wax, and The Mad Magician tacked on at the very end.

Many of the prints are heavily worn, and some of them are so washed out that you can barely make out the ad copy on the trailers.  However, a lot of them are from re-releases, so those are in much better shape.  There are also some drive-in snipes and concession stand ads sprinkled about for padding purposes.  

Even though many of the films featured are tame by today’s standards, there’s a peppering of lurid bits in there to keep you on your toes.  The eyeball eating scene is the highlight of the Maniac trailer, and the Devil Monster preview has lots of native nudity on display.  While many of the titles will be overly familiar to people like me who have watched lots of public domain horror films from the era, there were still enough movies here I had never heard of to at least keep me entertained (The Vampire’s Ghost, The Whispering Shadow, and Dr. Satan’s Robot).  

Oh, and you might be surprised that there are no Universal titles in this collection.  Never fear.  They are the subject of Something Weird’s next compilation, which I plan to review soon.

Here’s the full trailer rundown:  White Zombie, King Kong, Mark of the Vampire, The Black Room, MGM Triple Horror Feature (Mark of the Vampire / The Mask of Fu Manchu / Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde), I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Hangover Square, The Body Snatcher, The Curse of the Cat People, Arsenic and Old Lace, Maniac, The Vampire's Ghost, The Catman of Paris, The Valley of the Zombies, Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, The Invisible Ghost, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Mighty Joe Young, The Mask of Diijon, The Mysterious Island, Son of Kong, The Whispering Shadow, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941), Doctor Satan's Robot, Cat People, The Seventh Victim, Isle of the Dead, The Undying Monster, Flesh and Fantasy, The Flying Serpent, The Uninvited, Dead of Night, Devil Monster, The White Gorilla, The Monster and the Ape, Who Killed Doc Robbin?, Bride of the Gorilla, The Mad Magician, and House of Wax (1953).

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: STREAM AND STREAM AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN…

It’s that time of the year once again.  Time to put everything else on hold and watch nothing but horror flicks from dusk till dawn.  For the month of October, I will be streaming 31 horror movies from 31 different sources, whether they be streaming online, through my TV, or on my Roku player.  

Since my schedule doesn’t really permit me to post a horror movie review a day, I will instead be uploading them whenever I have the time.  Rest assured; I will review at least 31 of them.  As in previous years, the festivities will continue far past October 31st as I will be watching and reviewing any and all miscellaneous horror flicks under the “Halloween Hangover” banner.  

I can’t wait to see what this month has in store for us.  Will the movies be tricks?  Or will they be treats?  Only one way to find out, so let’s get trick-or-treating!

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 2 (1996) *** ½

This second installment of trailer trash from Something Weird kicks off with a fantastic trailer for a Kung Fu double feature of Devil Woman and Dragons Never Die that manages to steal taglines from Last House on the Left (“Keep Repeating:  IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!”), Children of the Damned ("Beware the Eyes That Paralyze!”), AND come up with an amazing tagline of their own (“Take Yo’ Mama to See It Before Someone Else Does!”).  Other great taglines belong to TNT Jackson (“With That Dynamite Bod, She’s a Jet-Black Hit Squad!”), Killers Three (“Dick Clark…A Guy with a Gun!”), and Crypt of Dark Secrets (“You Pay for the Whole Seat… You’ll Only Use the Edge!”).

What makes this installment so much fun is the vast variety of exploitation subgenres on display.  It doesn’t focus on a particular one for too long before moving on to another, and that makes for a breezy good time.  There’s crime (The Italian Connection and The Outside Man), Blaxploitation (Car Wash and Hit Man), Burt Reynolds vehicles (White Lightning and Shamus), ‘70s Coming of Age comedies (Teenage Graffiti and The Van), pseudo-documentaries (The Devil’s Triangle and The Force Beyond), Italian Horror (Suspiria and Hatchet for the Honeymoon), William Girdler movies (Asylum of Satan and Three on a Meathook), biker flicks (The Born Losers and Devil’s Angels), and sexy ‘70s Sci-Fi (Galaxina and The Love Factor), just to name a few.

The highlight is the trailer for The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow (AKA:  Invasion of the Girl Snatchers) in which offscreen producers try to come up with a better title for the movie.  I also enjoyed being lulled into a trance by the Hypno-Wheel for “The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror” Spook Show.  There’s also a long stretch of trailers for WTF kid’s movies (Puss N’ Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, and The Wonderful Land of Oz) that is sure to befuddle any dyed-in-the-wool fan of psychotronic cinema.  

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Devil Woman/Dragons Never Die, Challenge to Survive, The Impossible Years, Las Vegas Lady, The Thing with Two Heads, The Italian Connection, The Outside Man, Car Wash, TNT Jackson, Kansas City Bomber, Lipstick, A Bullet for Pretty Boy, Jackson County Jail, White Lightning, Shamus, Arnold, The Devil’s Triangle, The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow, The Killer Elite, Teenage Graffiti, Killers Three, The Van, Hit Man, The Black Six, Sting of the Dragon Masters, Beyond the Door, The Night Child, The Force Beyond, Crypt of Dark Secrets, The Legend of McCullough's Mountain, Asylum of Satan, Suspiria, Torso, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, Three on a Meathook, The Manitou, Mandingo, The Born Losers, Cornbread Earl and Me, Carry on Camping, Up in the Cellar, Devil's Angels, Eye of the Cat, The Dirty Outlaws, Fearless Fighters, Infra-Man, Slumber Party Massacre, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Phantasm, Puss 'n Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, The Wonderful Land of Oz, Battle Beyond the Stars, Galaxina, The Love Factor, Invasion of the Bee Girls, Raw Meat, The Devil's Wedding Night, Deathmaster, The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror, and The Mad Doctor of Blood Island.