WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO? (1972) ** ½

The year after director Curtis (Queen of Blood) Harrington and star Shelley (The Poseidon Adventure) Winters asked the question, “What’s the Matter with Helen?”, they asked “Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?”  Unlike that film, and the similarly titled Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte, this isn’t one of those deals where two major leading ladies square off against each other.  Winters has the screen all to herself, and does a decent job, all things considered.  

Winters plays Auntie Roo, a rich, sad, lonely woman who is devastated by the death of her daughter.  So much so that she resorts to nightly seances with a phony drunk medium (Sir Ralph Richardson) to ease her troubled mind.  Roo holds an annual charity Christmas party for orphans where she meets the young Katy (Chloe Franks), whom she believes is the reincarnation of her departed daughter.  Katy’s storybook-obsessed brother (Mark Lester, from Oliver!) is convinced the old bag is the witch from Hansel and Gretel and is out to fatten up and eat his poor sister.  

That set-up kind of sounds convoluted, and it might be, a little.  However, Harrington keeps things moving with journeyman efficiency.  In fact, there’s so many subplots flying around here and there that it makes it hard to pin down just exactly where the story is going.  This works to the movie’s advantage sometimes, although it probably needed a couple of genuine shocks to make it worthwhile.  Harrington does a fine job letting the tension marinate.  It’s a shame the third act is predictable and lacking suspense.

Winters does a solid job with a difficult part.  We at turns feel sorry for Auntie Roo, are annoyed by her, and eventually distrustful of her.  She could’ve very easily lapsed into her patented shrewish theatrics, but she is rather restrained, or as restrained as Shelley Winters can get.  That is, until the last twenty minutes or so when she finally reveals her true nature.  I just wish they took her character’s madness a little further.  As it is, it feels like they were holding back during the finale, and as a result, the movie sort of peters out during the homestretch.  Shelley does get a nice moment when she chops through a door and peers menacingly from the splinters, which predates The Shining by eight years.

AKA:  House Terror.  AKA:  Who Slew Auntie Roo?

TRAILERS #2: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE ‘50S AND ‘60S (1992) ***

After starting things off with a trailer for Val Lewton’s The Leopard Man, this second collection of horror and sci-fi trailers from Something Weird goes into serial mode with previews for Missile Monsters (a condensed version of Flying Disc Man from Mars), Radar Men from the Moon, and Panther Girl of the Kongo.  Along the way, we get lots of trailers for Roger Corman movies (The Wasp Woman, Beast from Haunted Cave, and The Little Shop of Horrors) and films starring John Agar (Invisible Invaders, Hand of Death, and The Brain from Planet Arous).  The trailer for The Bat, which is hosted by Vincent Price, is among the best on the tape, and contains the great tagline:  “When it Flies… Someone DIES!”  There’s also The Hypnotic Eye (“Stare if You Dare”), filmed in the wonder of “HypnoMagic”!, and the world’s foremost mask collector tells you all about the “Miracle Movie Fright Mask” you’ll receive when you see The Mask!  

I also had a lot of fun with the double feature trailers.  Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory and Corridors of Blood make up the “Nerv-O-Rama” Double Feature.  You’ll have to sign a “Fright Release” if you want to see the double bill of The Horror of Party Beach and The Curse of the Living Corpse.  Then, who can stand the horror of The Curse of the Fly and its co-feature, Devils of Darkness?

Even though this collection is called “Horror and Sci-Fi of the ‘50s and ‘60s”, there are a few trailers from the ‘70s (Young Frankenstein, Massacre at Central High, and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) and the ‘40s (Spooks Run Wild, Ghosts on the Loose, and The Invisible Ghost), which are always welcome.  Sure, I’ve seen a lot of these trailers on other compilations before, but many of them like The Electronic Monster, The Unearthly Stranger, and The Vulture rarely, if ever turn up.  There’s also a good mix of genres here like giant monster mashes (The Giant Behemoth), comedy (The Three Stooges Meet Hercules), and big budget studio films (Seconds).  That kind of variety helps make this collection another winner from Something Weird.

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  The Leopard Man, Missile Monsters, Radar Men from the Moon, Panther Girl of the Kongo, Night of the Blood Beast, House on Haunted Hill, Half-Human, The Cosmic Man, The Giant Behemoth, The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake, Invisible Invaders, The Woman Eater, The Giant Gila Monster, The Killer Shrews, The Bat, The Wasp Woman, Beast from Haunted Cave, Attack of the Giant Leeches, Blood Creature (AKA:  Terror is a Man), The Hypnotic Eye, The Electronic Monster, 13 Ghosts, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Fiendish Ghouls (AKA:  The Flesh and the Fiends), Village of the Damned, Black Sunday, The Snake Woman, The Mask, Hand of Death, Invasion of the Star Creatures, The Three Stooges Meet Hercules, Atom Age Vampire, Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory and Corridors of Blood “Nerv-O-Rama” Double Feature, The Haunting, My Son, the Vampire (AKA:  Mother Riley Meets the Vampire), Children of the Damned, a double feature of The Horror of Party Beach and The Curse of the Living Corpse, The Flesh Eaters, The Unearthly Stranger, Devil Doll, Curse of the Stone Hand, a double feature of Curse of the Fly and Devils of Darkness, Cave of the Living Dead, Seconds, The Vulture, Night of the Living Dead, Young Frankenstein, The Brain from Planet Arous, The Colossus of New York, Massacre at Central High, The Castle of Fu Manchu, The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula (AKA:  The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires), Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, The Invisible Ghost, Bride of the Monster, Horrors of Spider Island, The Day the Earth Caught Fire, The Manster, Invasion of the Animal People, The Brain That Wouldn't Die, The Cabinet of Caligari, Zotz!, and Paranoiac.

LETHAL (2005) ** ½

Sam (Heather Marie Marsden) is a sexy and badass mercenary who tags along on an assignment with her boss/mentor (John Colton).  When the deal goes sour, he is kidnapped and tortured by a sleazy Russian arms dealer named Federov (Lorenzo Lamas) who is looking for a mysterious “package”.  Sam then teams up with a beefy Fed (Frank Zagarino) to save her boss and bring down Federov.  The stakes are raised when Federov also kidnaps Sam’s sister (Jennifer MacIsaac).  

Lethal gets off to a promising start.  Marsden makes one heck of an entrance wearing nothing but skimpy underthings before opening up her closet.  You think it’s going to contain her wardrobe, but… surprise!  It’s where she keeps her arsenal of weapons.  She then gets a strong fight scene in a strip club where she takes center stage and Kung Fus a bunch of goons.  Once the plot (and by “plot”, I mean, “a bunch of action movie cliches”) kicks in, things start going downhill as the movie begins to get bogged down with a lot of exposition and shit.  

Marsden makes for a likeable leading lady though.  She looks great in her leather coat and crop top T-shirt while kicking ass.  She has a considerable amount of charisma too.  It’s a shame she never became an action star because based on the evidence here, she had the chops.  

I watched Lethal hoping for a great Lorenzo Lamas performance, and I have to admit, he’s pretty good.  He doesn’t go overboard with the Russian accent, but he comes awfully close.  It might not be his finest hour, but it’s fun seeing him chew the scenery a bit in a rare villainous role.  Zagarino, on the other hand, is stuck playing a bland federal agent, and it’s a role he ultimately can’t do a whole lot with since it’s so thinly written.

Director Dustin (Easy Rider 2:  The Ride Back) Rikert handles the various shootouts and fistfights in a competent manner.  He also tosses in some dime store versions of John Woo slow motion and Michael Bay whirl-a-rounds in there for good measure.  By the time Marsden does her little Matrix move in the third act, you get a sense that no one was really taking any of this seriously… and I mean that as a compliment.  Too bad he couldn’t bring some of that same kind of fun to the dialogue scenes, which are mostly dull.

Lethal isn’t going to be labeled a classic by anyone, but I had some fun with it.  The cheeky action scenes alone give the film personality, which is at the very least something you can hang your hat on.  I’ll remember it longer than dozens of other cookie cutter DTV actioners, that’s for sure.  (But not much longer.)

HELL SQUAD (1986) *** ½

An ambassador’s son is all set to blow the whistle on the testing of a new “ultra-neutron bomb” when he is kidnapped by terrorists.  They demand the ambassador turn over plans for the bomb in exchange for his son.  That leaves only one thing to do:  Train a bunch of Vegas showgirls to become a team of commando assassins so they can go rescue him.

The showgirls are first tested on a desert obstacle course.  Once the strongest, baddest, and foxiest women are selected, they don crimson berets and khaki fatigues and head out to the undetermined Arabic country to kick some ass.  Once they get to their hotel, they learn there’s a water shortage.  That means they all must take bubble baths together.  BATHS.  PLURAL. 

Yes, folks, Hell Squad is the only movie I’ve ever seen where Vegas showgirls drive their jeeps through the desert, blow away a bunch of terrorists, and then head back to their hotel for a bubble bath together.  It is also the only movie I’ve seen where said Vegas showgirls drive a tank through an enemy camp, gun down a bunch of people, and then head back to their hotel for ANOTHER bubble bath together.

Things get a little shaky in the second half when the girls get lost in the desert and are unable to take any bubble baths.  However, the finale is really something else.  They snorkel to a castle that looks like it belongs at the bottom of a fishbowl, spear gun a couple of guys, liberate the kidnap victim and then set off an explosion so powerful it turns day into night.  Not to mention the completely out of left field Scooby-Doo ending.

While it was made in the mid ‘80s, everything about Hell Squad screams the ‘70s.  From the cinematography to the music to the wardrobe, the whole thing looks and feels like it was made a decade earlier.  In fact, it often looks like a failed pilot for a TV show with a little T & A tossed in there for good measure.  (The random fade-in and fade-outs would make perfect commercial breaks.)  It also has more visible boom mics (and visible panty lines) than you can shake a stick at.  None of this is a criticism by the way.  This movie is awesome.  (The bubble bath-less second half notwithstanding.)

AKA:  Commando Squad.  AKA:  Commando Girls.

GIANTESS BATTLE ATTACK! (2022) ***

Beverly Wood (Ivy Smith), everyone’s favorite 50 Foot Camgirl, gets sued into the Stone Age for the havoc she caused in the first movie.  Because of that, the only job she can get is breaking rocks in a quarry.  A sleazy fight promoter (Steve Altman) offers her a chance to make some serious money by fighting against his wrestler Anna Conda in a Pay Per View match called “War of the Girlgantuas”.  (A better title than Giantess Battle Attack!)  Meanwhile, in space, the planet “Buxomus” is home to giant women who participate in super-sized girl on girl gladiator games.  Searching for some new competition, the reigning champion, Spa-Zor (Kiersten Hall) goes to Earth to challenge Beverly, which leads to a three-way giantess royal rumble.

Giantess Battle Attack! is only fifty-nine minutes, but somehow, it’s still heavily padded with scenes from the first movie (and even some scenes from this one are repeated too).  The outer space stuff doesn’t work quite as well as the scenes that act as a direct continuation of Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl.  (Although I did like the way Spa-Zor “destroyed” the world’s monuments.)  Even though it’s a bit spottier than its predecessor, there’s still some good stuff here. 

The final battle is particularly fun, especially when an oil well explodes and covers the colossal combatants in crude.  I think my favorite part though was when Beverly’s normal sized boyfriend goes “spelunking” in her underwear.  Returning director Jim Wynorski has a funny cameo too when he condemns the film for having too much sex. (It doesn’t.)  It’s also fun seeing a bunch of the familiar Wynorski regulars like Frankie Cullen, Lisa London, Becky LeBeau, Gail Thackray, and Deborah Dutch in the cast.  I think I might’ve enjoyed Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl more, but I still had a good time with Giantess Battle Attack!  I mean it’s hard not to like any movie that manages to reference Kronos, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and Back to School in under an hour.

ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT CAMGIRL (2022) ***

2022 is looking to be the return of the fast turnaround sequel.  There haven’t been this many movies and their sequels being released within the same calendar year since the ‘40s.  There’s X and Pearl, Terror Train 1 and 2, and Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl and its sequel, Giantess Battle Attack.  

Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl is the long-awaited collaboration between producer Charles Band and director Jim Wynorski.  I can’t imagine why it took so long to get these two B-movie titans together, but it was worth the wait.  Giant babes in bikinis battling it out.  What’s not to like?  

Ivy Smith stars as a sexy, alcoholic vegan influencer/camgirl named Beverly Wood who’s so concerned about hits, likes, and endorsements that she doesn’t know her husband/manager (Eli Cirino) is banging her assistant Fuchsia (Christine Nguyen).  Her latest endorsement is for a new self-sustaining food product that could potentially cure world hunger.  It’s still in the testing stages, but that doesn’t stop Beverly from eating one of the hot dogs.  Before long, she grows to fifty feet tall, which helps her become bigger than ever before (both online and in real life).  Naturally, Fuchsia becomes jealous, eats the food too, and soon, we have brawling bikini behemoths.

Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl is only sixty-two minutes, so it goes down smooth enough.  After sitting through so many needlessly overlong movies like Pups Alone and Terrifier 2, it was a nice change of pace to sit through something that practically flew by.  However, there was plenty of room for more sex and/or nude scenes.  To make matters worse, there are scenes that fade-in and out to where a sex scene should belong.  Heck, even the nude and shower scenes feel shorter than your average Wynorski film.  On the plus side, the effects are refreshingly old school (lots of cardboard model buildings get crushed) and help lend the movie considerable charm.  Bert I Gordon would be proud.  

Not all the jokes work (the on-screen hashtags aren’t very funny), but it helps that Ivy Smith has a likeable and bubbly presence.  Nguyen is fun too as her jealous assistant who also gets a shower scene.  Cirino is just OK as the villain, but he does have the best death scene I’ve seen in a long time.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but if I ever have my druthers, that’s exactly how I want to go out.  Wynorski regulars like Lisa London, Cindy Lucas, and Becky LeBeau also turn up in supporting roles.  

Smith gets the best line of the flick when she says, “It’s horny o’clock!”

CLERKS 3 (2022) *** ½

Randal (Jeff Anderson) receives a wake-up call when he suffers a heart attack on the job at the Quik Stop convenience store.  Approaching fifty and surviving a near-death experience, he decides to finally do something with his life.  He makes a vow to stop watching movies and start making them, starting with the story of his life, set at the Quik Stop.  Along for the ride is his best friend Dante (Brian O’Halloran) and everyone’s favorite stoners, Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith).  

Of course, Kevin Smith suffered the same kind of heart attack in real life (dubbed “The Widowmaker”), which was the impetus for the movie.  Having Randal and Dante filming scenes from the first Clerks in the convenience store might seem like a lazy meta joke, but I think this was kind of a “What If” story for Smith, had he never found early success.  He might’ve still been making movies at the Quik Stop even if his career didn’t catch on.  Randal and Dante have always been his mouthpieces for pop culture musings and dick jokes in the past.  Now, the older and wiser (kinda) Smith is using them to speak from the heart (no pun intended), which is actually kind of touching.  

Smith has told many anecdotes of the making of Clerks over the years in interviews, commentaries, and one man shows, so seeing a thinly fictionalized version of them seems at first like a weak premise for a sequel.  However, Smith’s love of making movies shows through in scene after scene, and it’s fun seeing many of the original’s iconic scenes being remade.  (It would make a good double feature with Be Kind Rewind.)  I will say that the new dick jokes, Star Wars humor, and typical Clerks hijinks isn’t quite as laugh out loud funny (or as flagrantly foul) as some of the previous installments in the “View Askewniverse”.  However, the “audition” scene offers up some big laughs as it features a who’s who of celebrity cameos.  

Like most of Smith’s latter-day films, Clerks 3 works, largely because of the enormous goodwill the characters have built up over the past four decades.  Even when he goes a little heavy on the maudlin mushy stuff near the end, it works better than it probably should because we’ve grown to love these characters so much over the years.  While it may not live up to the heights of the first two films, it is nevertheless a fitting finale (possibly) to the trilogy.