An ambassador’s son is all set to blow the whistle on the testing of a new “ultra-neutron bomb” when he is kidnapped by terrorists. They demand the ambassador turn over plans for the bomb in exchange for his son. That leaves only one thing to do: Train a bunch of Vegas showgirls to become a team of commando assassins so they can go rescue him.
The showgirls are first tested on a desert obstacle course. Once the strongest, baddest, and foxiest women are selected, they don crimson berets and khaki fatigues and head out to the undetermined Arabic country to kick some ass. Once they get to their hotel, they learn there’s a water shortage. That means they all must take bubble baths together. BATHS. PLURAL.
Yes, folks, Hell Squad is the only movie I’ve ever seen where Vegas showgirls drive their jeeps through the desert, blow away a bunch of terrorists, and then head back to their hotel for a bubble bath together. It is also the only movie I’ve seen where said Vegas showgirls drive a tank through an enemy camp, gun down a bunch of people, and then head back to their hotel for ANOTHER bubble bath together.
Things get a little shaky in the second half when the girls get lost in the desert and are unable to take any bubble baths. However, the finale is really something else. They snorkel to a castle that looks like it belongs at the bottom of a fishbowl, spear gun a couple of guys, liberate the kidnap victim and then set off an explosion so powerful it turns day into night. Not to mention the completely out of left field Scooby-Doo ending.
While it was made in the mid ‘80s, everything about Hell Squad screams the ‘70s. From the cinematography to the music to the wardrobe, the whole thing looks and feels like it was made a decade earlier. In fact, it often looks like a failed pilot for a TV show with a little T & A tossed in there for good measure. (The random fade-in and fade-outs would make perfect commercial breaks.) It also has more visible boom mics (and visible panty lines) than you can shake a stick at. None of this is a criticism by the way. This movie is awesome. (The bubble bath-less second half notwithstanding.)
AKA: Commando Squad. AKA: Commando Girls.
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