FEMALIEN: STARLIGHT SAGA (2022) *

I was excited when I saw this was added to Tubi.  Even though I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of the last Femalien sequel, Cosmic Crush, a new Femalien movie should be cause for celebration.  I mean, how can you go wrong with a Skinamax flick featuring sexy space babes?  As it turns out, things go very wrong very fast.  

I was actually a bit taken aback by the opening Star Wars-inspired scene of spaceships engaged in a dogfight as it was a hundred times better than the effects seen in Cosmic Crush.  I thought to myself, “Wow, producer Charles Band actually spent a little money this time out.”  When Christine Nguyen showed up as the evil space queen, it brought a smile to my face.  That smile broadened when I saw Erika Jordan as her sultry henchwoman.  Then, it cut to Jazy Berlin and Brandin Rackley in the other ship and I thought… Hey!  Wait a minute!  I’ve seen this before!  

About five minutes into the flick, I realized I was watching a re-edited version of Fred Olen Ray’s Dirty Blondes from Beyond.  Charles Band didn’t pay for those special effects!  Fred Olen Ray did.  Band was cheaper than I thought.  

But wait, it gets worse.  As the movie goes on, it also tosses in scenes from Dean McKendrick’s Deadly Pickup and Intergalactic Swingers!  Adding to the confusion is the fact that Kira Noir is introduced in the opening scene as Maxy Prime, the Femalien, but she also appears in the scenes from Deadly Pickup playing an entirely different character!  Similarly, Jordan also appears as two different characters from two different movies as well, but I guess that slipped by the editor.  

Watching a re-edited version of a bunch of Retromedia’s Skinamax movies isn’t the worst way to spend your time.  That is, unless, this is going to be another one of those Full Moon movies they show on Tubi that have all the sex scenes cut out.  Much to my chagrin, that was exactly what this mess was.  Every time it looks like the actresses are about to get it on, it skips to another clip of another movie.  Aside from one brief glimpse of a sexy alien babe swimming nude in the pool, it’s virtually skin free.

I guess if I was as lazy as Band, I could’ve just cut and pasted chunks of my reviews of Dirty Blondes from Beyond, Deadly Pickup, and Intergalactic Swingers together and slapped a new title on it.  That wouldn’t have been professional.  In fact, I probably spent more time putting this review together than Band and company did making the “movie”.  

TRAILERS #4: HORROR/SCI-FI (1992) ***

Speaking as a connoisseur of trailer compilations, Something Weird’s Trailers #4:  Horror/Sci-Fi is a solid if unspectacular collection.  Unlike their previous installments, there’s a little bit more variety here in terms of eras as we get a good mix of previews from the ‘20s (The Mysterious Island) all the way to the ‘70s (Squirm).  I just wish there weren't as many repeats from other collections.  (A typical complaint I have with this series.)  As much as I love the movies themselves, there should be a moratorium on trailer comps that feature previews for Night of the Living Dead, The Tingler, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Lovers of classic horror will be happy to know there’s a heavy concentration of Universal titles here.  Many of these collections feature titles starring the classic monsters from the golden age of horror.  This one tosses in the trailer for Jaws to sweeten the deal.  Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will enjoy seeing previews for The Killer Shrews, Eegah, and The Horror of Party Beach too.  

Other highlights are the trailers for It!  The Terror from Beyond Space (subliminal commands like “See It!” and “Don’t Miss It!” flash over scenes of the movie), The Phantom of the Paradise (narrated by Wolfman Jack), The Incredible Shrinking Man (narrated by Orson Welles), Wait Until Dark (in which theater patrons are asked not to smoke during the final eight minutes of the movie), and the Psycho re-release (“The Version TV Dare Not Show!”).  Some other favorites include Mad Monster Party, Silent Night Evil Night AKA:  Black Christmas (the TV spot is also shown), and Invasion of the Saucer Men.  While many of the trailers are enjoyable, the way they are so randomly assembled is sometimes good for a laugh.  Going from “Tubular Bells” in the trailer for The Exorcist to hearing “The Bird” in The Crawling Hand is especially humorous.  

The title library includes:  Frankenstein, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Time Machine, Freaks, It Came from Outer Space, Jaws, I Married a Monster from Outer Space, Man of a Thousand Faces, Them!, They Came from Within, King Kong, Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The Legend of Hell House, The Tingler, Monster on the Campus, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, Phantom of the Paradise, The Phantom of the Opera (1962), The Mole People, Wait Until Dark, Son of Kong, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Squirm, Mad Monster Party, Psycho re-release, The Creeping Flesh, Homicidal, Night of the Living Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), Invasion of the Saucer Men, The Green Slime, Willard, The War of the Worlds, “Nerv-O-Rama” Double Feature of Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory and Corridors of Blood, The Killer Shrews, Eegah, Creature from the Haunted Sea, The Creature Walks Among Us, The Horror of Party Beach, The Old Dark House, The Mysterious Island, Bride of Frankenstein, The Skull, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, From Hell It Came, Gorilla at Large, Bride of the Monster, a double feature of Revenge of Frankenstein and The Blob), The Haunting, The Mummy, Frankenstein 1970, The Slime People, Doctor Blood's Coffin, Mighty Joe Young, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Manster, The Exorcist, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Strangler, Curse of the Demon, The Abominable Snowman, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Devil-Doll, and The Climax.

SCREAMERS: THE HUNTING (2009) ***

The first Screamers starred Peter Weller and a bunch of little robot killers that burrowed underground and killed people like smaller versions of the worms in Tremors.  This thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel reintroduces us to the little robo-gophers of death in fine fashion with a decent scene of the mechanical moles slicing, dicing, and even decapitating a bunch of soldiers on a hostile planet.  One of them survives, sends out an S.O.S. beacon, and waits for reinforcements.  When the space marines arrive, they get more than they bargained for as the Screamers have now mutated into nearly human form.

If you have to make a thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel to something, this is probably the way to go about it.  Use a tried-and-true sequel trope (in this case, a bunch of soldiers encountering a whole mess of monsters a la Aliens), keep the pace moving, and deliver on the gore.  Heads are hacked off, guts are spilled, spikes impale chests, heads are split down the middle, and fists go through faces.  Pretty good stuff from something I had next-to-no expectations for.

I will say that the film works better in its first two acts when the Screamers are in their little mechanical form.  Once they turn into quasi-robo-zombies, it loses a little of the fun.  (The Big Bad Screamer was obviously influenced by Blade 2.)  Things almost fall apart at the end once our survivors meet the inventor of the Screamers (Lance Henriksen), who is almost immediately killed off after dispensing a bunch of (mostly) unnecessary exposition.  

However, the final scene is a real winner and just about singlehandedly salvages the entire enterprise.  I won’t spoil anything, but you have to wonder if Ridley Scott saw this before he made Alien Covenant.  Also, any movie that rips off the final shot of Elves is OK by me.  

I guess it all comes down to expectations.  I started watching this while folding laundry and it didn’t take long for me to get sucked into it.  How would I have felt if I anxiously awaited the film since opening night of the original?  Heck, I probably would’ve enjoyed it the same amount.  It's a down and dirty time waster with plenty of gross shit, not-bad performances, decent special effects, and a legitimately great ending.  It’s been thirteen years since this movie came out.  I wonder why they haven’t made Part 3 yet.  

Screenwriter Miguel-Tejada Flores has had an interesting career.  He got his start writing Revenge of the Nerds and has written everything from Screamers 1 and 2 to Beyond Re-Animator to THE FUCKING LION KING!  Now that’s what I call range.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022) **

Fuck.  Fuckin’.  Fucker.  Motherfucker.  You like the word “fuck”?  Well, you’re fuckin’ gonna hear it a lot of fuckin’ times in Joe Begos’ Christmas Bloody fuckin’ Christmas, motherfucker.

Now, I don’t really have a problem with cursing in movies.  In fact, in the right hands, it can be almost poetic.  Think David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino.  However, when the cursing is gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous, it gets tiresome.  Fast.  

Like Tarantino, Begos peppers some of the foulmouthed conversations with pop culture references.  These conversations never once sound natural and feel just as forced as the cursing.  Music and movie lovers don’t really talk like that in real life.  The only place music and movie lovers talk like that is in the movies.

Fortunately for the audience, once the characters stop swearing and start screaming, the movie improves dramatically.  Not enough to completely wash away the sour aftertaste of the first hour or so, but Begos does deliver a solid finale.  It’s like a bratty kid who starts being good in December so Santa will take him off the “Naughty” list.

Speaking of Santa, the plot has something to do with government robot soldiers being discontinued and repurposed as department store Santas.  One such robot becomes sentient and begins chopping up bad boys and girls.  He eventually sets his sights on the foulmouthed proprietor of a record store (Riley Dandy), who fights back in fine Final Girl fashion.

Maybe Begos was stacking the deck here.  Maybe he wanted us to hate the characters just as much as RoboSanta did so that we cheer when they finally get axed, bludgeoned, and stomped.  That still doesn’t excuse the fact why he made the movie so damned hard to look at.  With the garish neon, blacklights, and oversaturated lighting, the movie often looks like a cinematic version of an ugly Christmas sweater.  

Begos has made a career aping John Carpenter.  Almost Human was his version of The Thing and VFW was Begos’ homage to Assault on Precinct 13.  This is his riff on Halloween (the Santa jolts up just like Michael Myers did), as well as James Cameron’s The Terminator (which itself was a riff on Halloween).  This is probably his least successful Carpenter variation, but there’s enough good stuff in the last twenty minutes to make me hopeful that next time he’ll branch out and try something original instead of just riffing on Carpenter.  

Speaking of riffing, Jonah Ray, the new host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays the first victim.  It’s funny how art imitates life.  First you make fun of bad movies.  Then you’re in one.  Christmas Bloody Christmas may not be great, but if you ever wanted to see the host of MST3K eat ass, then I guess it will fit the bill.

NOPE (2022) ** ½

After making two movies that felt like overlong Twilight Zone episodes, Jordan Peele branches into full-on Steven Spielberg territory with the extraterrestrial/comedy/western, Nope.  While Peele might have had lofty aspirations of attaining a Spielberg vibe, unfortunately, the results more often than not are closer to M. Night Shyamalan than Spielberg.  Even though it’s much more of a mixed bag than either Get Out or Us, it certainly has its moments.  

Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer star as a pair of siblings who own a ranch that loans horses to Hollywood productions.  After the mysterious death of their father (Keith David) and the disappearances of their horses, they do some investigating and soon find out a pesky alien is to blame.  They then set out to capture the extraterrestrial horse thief on film with the help of a UFO junkie (Brandon Perea) and an ace cinematographer (Michael Wincott).

The idea has potential, but the film is often too meandering for its own good.  The chief problem is the “B” plot involving a chimp that was the star of his own sitcom until it went crazy and slaughtered the cast and crew.  While that little bit of side business might’ve worked as an entertaining feature in its own right, it would’ve made for a tighter picture had it been cut entirely.  Sure, it fits into the overall theme of the movie, but it’s ultimately little more than a gratuitous digression.

Although the slow build-up may have you fidgeting in your chair, stay with it, because the finale is rather rousing.  Maybe not quite strong enough to justify the film’s two-hour-plus running time, but it’s a solidly crafted elongated suspense/action sequence.  I will say that once we finally get a look at the mischievous E.T., it’s a little disappointing.  The tantalizing glimpses of what’s going on inside the UFO work slightly better.  

The performances are almost as uneven as the movie itself.  Kaluuya gives a naturalistic performance.  So naturalistic that we don’t even feel like we’re watching a character in a movie.  However, he’s so naturalistic that at times he mumbles his dialogue so much that you can’t understand what he’s saying.  Palmer is kind of annoying, but it’s not really her fault as Peele more or less writes her as the annoying sister, without a whole lot of depth.  Steven Yeun fares slightly better as the child actor who survived the monkey attack to grow up to be a cowboy who owns a western amusement park.  It’s Wincott though who steals the show.  His off-kilter performance that injects some much-needed personality into the proceedings late in the game.  The creepy way he talk-sings “Purple People Eater” is almost worth the price of admission alone.

Despite its flaws, the flick is more of a Yup than a Nope.

X (2022) *** ½

The first hour or so of X answers the age-old question, “What would it look like if Tobe Hooper directed Boogie Nights?”  A bunch of young and horny pornographers rent a farmhouse from an elderly couple and proceed to make a porno (called “The Farmer’s Daughter”) on the down low.  Along the way, writer/director Ti (The House of the Devil) West gives us many homages to Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (it could’ve almost been called The TeXXXas Chainsaw Massacre), as well as Eaten Alive.  

Then, West makes an interesting pivot and shifts the focus to from the young horndogs to the old couple who own the farm where the smut movie makers are staying.  The way he contrasts their desires is startlingly effective.  If you don’t want to know the more, then maybe tap out here and just go see the flick.  (Spoilers Ahead.)

X is the third movie I’ve seen in three days about old people who are crazed killers.  (Old People and Dashcam were the other two.)  This was quite accidental, but it was fascinating to see how filmmakers handled the idea differently.  This one is the best of the lot because it actually manages to say something about the subject of growing old and the disdain the elderly must feel towards the young as they are in the twilight of their lives.  We’ve all heard the saying, “Age before beauty”.  Well, in X, age comes after beauty… with a vengeance.  

It also has a lot to say about sexuality and age.  Just because the old couple are wrinkled and gray doesn’t mean they can’t get it on.  If you’re shocked and/or appalled by the frank scenes of old people fucking, it’s because society’s beauty standards have instilled in us a kneejerk reaction to the sight elderly people screwing.

The performances are strong all around.  Martin Henderson takes the acting honors as the adult film’s executive producer who basically acts like an Asylum version of Matthew McConaughey.  Jenna Ortega is winning as the quiet, reserved boom operator who secretly wants to become a movie star.  Brittany Snow is quite good too as the blonde bombshell smut movie queen.  Mia Goth also has some nice moments as the coke-snorting, fame-obsessed porn starlet wannabe.  Rapper Kid Cudi does a fine job as well as the porno’s leading man.  

Goth returned six months later for the prequel, Pearl, also written and directed by West.

BLACKLIGHT (2022) * ½

Liam Neeson stars as a “fixer” named Travis Block who retrieves Federal agents from the field after they’ve been compromised.  He’s trying to retire from the life to spend more time with his grandkid, but his obviously evil boss Robinson (Aidan Quinn) ropes him into doing one more job.  When his protegee (Taylor John Smith) tries to blow the whistle on Robinson, he’s gunned down in the street by shadowy government agents.  It’s then up to Neeson and a reporter (Emmy Raver-Lampman) to join forces to bring Robinson down.  

The opening action sequence of Blacklight was worrisome.  It contained a lot of Shaky Cam and was pointlessly edited to shreds.  Seriously, it’s 2022 and we’re still doing this shit?  I know Liam Neeson has been making the same movie again and again for the past fifteen years, but there’s no reason to keep editing them the same way they did back in 2007.

Fortunately, the ADHD editing and camerawork settled down shortly thereafter.  That’s mostly because the action pretty much dries up too.  Aside from one OK scene where a dump truck tosses a speeding car at Neeson, it’s rather dull.  The finale, where Neeson goes Home Alone on a bunch of gunmen begins promising enough, but it soon reveals itself to be a weaker, less imaginative imitation of scenarios you’ve seen countless times before (which pretty much sums up the movie itself).  

The most laughable scene occurs when Neeson is late picking up his granddaughter from school.  When he arrives at the classroom, she tells him everyone went home and she’s the only one left in the entire building!  I’m asked to suspend disbelief in movies all the time, but I refuse to accept that any educator would leave a child alone, unattended in a school.  I mean not even the janitor is there?  What did the teacher expect her to do, lock up before she left?

Like many Neeson movies, they give him a character quirk.  Remember how he couldn’t remember in Unknown?  Or when he was a recovering alcoholic in A Walk Among the Tombstones?  Well, here he has OCD, which means he starts to do things two or three times before he actually does them.  Maybe if he looked at the script two or three times, he would’ve noticed how bad it was and passed on the movie.