TUBI CONTINUED… TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022) * ½

There are a lot of old, dumb movies on Tubi.  This is the newest, dumbest one I could find.  It came out yesterday, which makes sense since it’s a New Year’s Eve themed slasher.  (Just like the original 1980 Terror Train.)  It’s also a Tubi Original, and it's nice to know that they can make original content that is just as dumb as many of the older movies found on the streaming service. 

Terror Train 2 has one of the dumbest excuses for a sequel I’ve ever seen, which is really saying something.  Alana (Robyn Alomar) is having a tough time getting over the events of the first film.  Her roommate convinces her she needs to “face her fears” in order to move on.  Luckily for her, the frat who organized the Halloween train ride that was crashed by a mad slasher in the first flick, is holding the SAME EXACT train ride on the SAME EXACT train.  The only difference is that this time, it’s a New Year’s party.  Naturally, since the events of that Halloween massacre are now legendary, a group of passengers who survived the massacre have taken to wearing the SAME EXACT costumes the victims wore as a part of some true-crime cosplay thing.  I think the real reason is because they filmed 1 and 2 simultaneously and it just gave them an excuse to reuse footage, costumes, sets, and actors.  

It takes a while for the train to leave the station as there is a lot of exposition about the events of the first movie.  What isn’t made clear is if this is supposed to be the same year or the next year.  I mean, it’s kind of crass to hold another murder train party a year later.  It’s even worse if the massacre of the first film took place on October 31^st and this one happened only two months later. 

It's stuff like this you have to think about while watching Terror Train 2 because the overwhelming sense of déjà vu is a tad mind-numbing.  It’s one thing for the survivors to relive the events of the first Terror Train.  It’s asking a bit much to make the audience to relive it, especially considering the first one came out a mere two months ago.  I fully expect Part 3 to come rolling into the station by St. Patrick’s Day. 

It also doesn’t help that the body count is pitifully low.  The film does earn an extra Half-Star for the scene in which people strictly adhere to a character’s preferred pronouns, even while vociferously accusing them of being a murderer, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a slasher movie before.  Other than that, Terror Train 2 is a total trainwreck.

TUBI CONTINUED…

Tubi is by far my favorite streaming service.  They have a wealth of WTF, oddball, low budget dreck, as well as even a few big budget, all-star, major studio movies.  Over the years, I’ve added a bunch of movies to my queue, and out of curiosity, I counted just how many I had in my watchlist.  As it turned out, there were 365.  I thought to myself, “Gee, the only way I could watch all those movies is if I watched one a day.”  

That gave me the idea to do this column.  However, I know my schedule is often erratic, so I know I couldn’t possibly keep up watching Tubi on a daily basis for an entire year.  Then I thought, “Well, I can just put it on pause and say, to be continued…  To be… Tubi… Tubi Continued!”  Once I had a catchy name for the column, I just HAD to follow through.  

I know full and well I won’t be able to watch all the movies in my queue.  In fact, I’m sure Tubi will take down some of these films before I even have a chance to check them out.  Another stumbling block… every time I watch a movie, I add two or three more whenever I peruse the “You Might Also Like” section.  No matter.  If they keep adding them, I'll keep watching them.

So, what do you say?  Let’s ring in the new year with a bunch of Tubi-tacular movies!

JANUA-RAY: WILD GUITAR (1962) **

(Originally posted July 17, 2007)

If you’re an Arch Hall, Jr. or Ray Dennis Steckler fan, have I got a movie for you!  Hall stars as Bud Eagle, a naïve (okay, stupid) country bumpkin who gets a recording contract and is exploited by an unscrupulous promoter (Arch Hall, Sr.).  He almost loses his best gal and masterminds his own kidnapping to get out of the limelight.  All the usual rags to riches clichés are used.  If you’re a Steckler completist (like me) you have to check it out.  Not only does he direct this one, he also co-stars (under his usual pseudonym Cash Flagg) as “Steak”, Hall’s bodyguard.  Hall also sings his tender love ballad (Excuse me for falling in the floor in a fit of laughter after typing Hall and “tender love ballad” in the same sentence.) “I Love You Vicki”, which he also sang in Eegah!  Mystery Science Theater 3000 deemed this too bad to make fun of, but you’ll have fun with it.

JANUA-RAY NOTES:  

1) Severin really outdid themselves with this transfer.  This is the best the film has ever looked.

2) The opening scenes really give you a great glimpse of what Hollywood was like in the early ‘60s.

3) Steckler’s staging of the dancing and music numbers is quite good.  He’d later perfect his craft in his next film, the immortal The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.

4) I liked seeing posters for Hall’s other movies, The Choppers and Eegah! on the wall in the coffee shop.

5) I think what prevents Wild Guitar from really working is the fact that so much of it is unearned.  Bud becomes an overnight sensation less than overnight, and the number that catapults him to stardom isn’t very good at all.  I know this is just a hollow riff on your average rise and fall of a teen idol movie, but the whirlwind way it all goes down just isn’t very believable.  Not that believability is something crucial in a Ray Dennis Steckler flick, but still.   

6) Another problem is that much of the movie hinges around Bud being incredibly naïve to advance the plot.  Did I say, “incredibly naïve’?  I meant “rock stupid”.  If you thought he was dumb though, wait till you get a load of the guys who “kidnap” him.  They make the Bowery Boys look like rocket scientists in comparison.  

7) I think the script Steckler had to work with would’ve made for a good first draft.  Had it been beefed up a bit and the stock situations hadn’t been so damned predictable; Wild Guitar might’ve been a decent little flick.  

8) Steckler provides some good moments, both behind and in front of the camera.  He does a nice job directing Bud and Vicki’s date at the ice skating rink, and he’s fun to watch as Bud’s bodyguard, “Steak”.  He often steals scenes by just hanging out in the background and picking his nails.  

9) The final number, “Twist Fever” is a lot of fun and hints at what the film could’ve been had it not gotten bogged down with all the dull showbiz melodrama.  As it is, Wild Guitar is too tame for its own good.

JANUA-RAY

Last month, I explored the wonderfully weird world of exploitation pioneer Doris Wishman.  This month, I’ll be focusing my attention of the cinematic output of the one-of-a-kind directorial prowess of cult legend Ray Dennis Steckler.  If he only made The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, he would still be a legend.  Ray, thankfully, gave the world a lot more, and all through January, I will be looking at the bulk of his films, which have been lovingly restored and remastered by the good folks at Severin in this deluxe box set.  

As with Doris December, if I have previously reviewed a movie featured in the box set (either on my old LiveJournal site or here on Blogger), I will repost my original review, along with some new thoughts/commentary.  If I have never seen the film in question, I will write a brand-new review.  If there’s an off chance that I completely change my stance on the flick (which is what happened when I re-watched Bad Girls Go to Hell), I will write a new “critical re-evaluation”.  

So, what do you say?  Let’s dive into the land of Ray Dennis Steckler.  I have a feeling January is going to be one incredibly strange month.  

TRAILERS #12: THE HOUSE OF HAMMER (1992) *** ½

Like the previous installment in Something Weird’s trailer compilation series, Universal Horror Classics of the ‘30s and ‘40s, Trailers #12 has a strong connecting theme, which makes it slightly more fun to watch than your average collection.  This time out, the focus is on the Hammer horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s.  Any Hammer fan worth their salt will want to seek this one out as there are a ton of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee movies on display.  Another plus is that at ninety minutes, it’s a good half-hour shorter than your average Something Weird trailer collection, which helps make for easy, breezy viewing.  

Things kick off with a great run of Dracula trailers.  Later, we get a good string of Frankenstein previews, as well as a fun cluster of ads for Mummy movies.  Most of the highlights belong to the trailers for vampire flicks such as Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire (“Welcome to the Finishing School Where They Really Do Finish You!”), Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), and The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula (“Black Belt Against Black Magic!”), but the French trailer for The Horror of Frankenstein is really cool too.    

The best part is the wealth of double feature trailers.  The Scars of Dracula is paired with The Horror of Frankenstein.  Vampire Circus screens alongside Countess Dracula.  “Black Stamps” are given away to theater patrons who see a double bill of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb.  

It's not just trailers that make The House of Hammer so much fun.  Midway through, there’s a short behind the scenes documentary on the making of Dracula A.D. 1972 in which Christopher Lee is briefly interviewed in his home.  This is followed up by the trailer for the movie as well as some really awesome vintage intermission ads, including the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” short.  That to me, is worth the price of admission.

Here's the full line-up of trailers:  Horror of Dracula, The Brides of Dracula, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, Taste the Blood of Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, a double feature of The Scars of Dracula and The Horror of Frankenstein, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Mummy, X the Unknown, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, Five Million Years To Earth, One Million Years B.C., a double feature of Curse of the Mummy's Tomb and The Gorgon, Lust for a Vampire, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Twins of Evil, Dracula A.D. 1972 Featurette: Prince of Terror, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Devil's Bride, Enemy from Space, Count Dracula and his Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Night Creatures, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Evil of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Horror of Frankenstein (French), The Curse of the Werewolf, The Kiss of the Vampire, The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula, The Gorgon, The Phantom of the Opera, The Vengeance of She, The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Shroud, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, and To the Devil a Daughter.

TRAILERS #11: UNIVERSAL HORROR CLASSICS OF THE ‘30S AND ‘40S (1992) ***

Fans of the old school Universal monsters are sure to enjoy this trailer compilation from Something Weird.  Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Lon Chaney Jr. are featured in many of the previews too, starring in both their immortal classics as well as a few lesser Universal B programmers.  Sure, lots of these trailers have appeared in Something Weird’s previous trailer comps before, but it’s nice to have them all in collected in one convenient place.  If seeing trailers for all your favorite horror flicks starring Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy wasn’t enough, we also get plenty of previews for Universal’s Inner Sanctum thrillers and Sherlock Holmes mysteries.  There’s also a bunch of ads for Abbott and Costello comedies, which is always a plus.  

Most of the Universal trailers in these collections are from the Realart re-releases, and while there are a lot of those here, we also get a bunch of Universal titles from the Screen Gems television package, which is pretty cool.  Some of the highlights include The Invisible Man Returns (narrated by John Carradine), Black Friday (which plays up the publicity stunt where Bela Lugosi was really hypnotized before his acting out his death scene), The Black Cat (“You’ll Forget You Ever Saw Frankenstein or Dracula!”), June Lockhart as the She-Wolf of London (“Beauty or Beast?  Woman or Monster?”), and Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“You’ll Howl When They Go ‘POW’!”).

While it’s fun seeing all the familiar faces of the Universal horror stable being trotted out again, it’s the more obscure trailers that are often the most interesting, if only because they aren’t played out as much.  Among them:  Atomic Monster (the re-release title of Man Made Monster), Nightmare, The Mystery of Marie Roget, and The Cat Creeps.  Volume #11 may not be one of the best trailer collections in the Something Weird line, but I do respect the fact that it has a more cohesive theme than many of the other compilations in the series.  Because of that, it’s well-worth checking out.

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, Murders in the Rue Morgue, Werewolf of London, Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula's Daughter, The Invisible Ray, Son of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man Returns, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster), The Black Cat, Night Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Nightmare, Son of Dracula, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Mystery of Marie Roget, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Climax, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, The Cat Creeps, She-Wolf of London, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, The Strange Door, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Mystery of the White Room, Night Key, The Mummy's Hand, The Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Curse, The Mummy's Ghost, Horror Island, Calling Dr. Death, Weird Woman, The Frozen Ghost, Pillow of Death, A Dangerous Game, Captive Wild Woman, Jungle Captive, Murder in the Blue Room, The Time of Their Lives, The Invisible Woman, Invisible Agent, Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man, Terror by Night, The Spider Woman, Dressed to Kill, The House of Fear, The Pearl of Death, The Scarlet Claw, House of Horrors, Ghost Catchers, and Man of a Thousand Faces.

TRAILERS #7: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE ‘50S, ‘60S, AND ‘70S (1992) *** ½

Trailers #7:  Horror and Sci-Fi of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s is one of the better compilations in the Something Weird trailer series.  Since the ‘70s get some love this time around, that means there’s a healthy amount of color trailers to be found.  This is a nice change of pace after so many predominantly black and white collections.  Among the ‘70s classics collected here are Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, and The Exorcist.  There are also some ‘80s trailers like The Shining, Mother’s Day, and even The Empire Strikes Back (narrated by an exuberant Harrison Ford) tossed in there for good measure. 

Some of my favorites were for Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella (“See Barbarella Do Her Thing!”), and Hollywood Boulevard.  Other highlights include Blood Beast from Outer Space (“Space Creatures Snatch Girls to Mysterious Planets!”), The Omega Man, a television spot for the made for TV flick Killdozer, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine (in which patrons are given a “Terror Mask”), and a double feature of The Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders (“The Whodunit and the What-Did-It?”)  I was also happy to see director Ishiro Honda’s work well-represented as there are trailers for The Human Vapor (“Is He Man or Astro-Man?”), Latitude Zero, and Godzilla. 

I’ve seen the first six collections in the series and all of them have been rather tame, so it was a breath of fresh air to get some sleazy shit like Venom (“Originally Banned in Denmark Itself!”) and Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS in the mix.  It was also a nice surprise to see a couple of Doris Wishman trailers (Let Me Die a Woman and A Taste of Flesh) in there as well.  The last half-hour or so is particularly fun as it is chockful of short and sweet TV spots that come at a fast and furious clip. 

In addition to the great trailers, there are also plenty of spookshow ads, concession stand commercials, coming attraction snipes, and theater ads.  My favorite was an anti-juvenile delinquent ad asking patrons not to cut up the theater seats and advising them to help “keep youngsters in line”.  Repeat trailers from other volumes (Children of the Damned, The Monster That Challenged the World, and Squirm) are also kept to a minimum, which certainly helps cement #7’s status as one of Something Weird’s best collections. 

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  A spookshow ad, a double feature of The Thing from Another World and The Man Who Turned to Stone, Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella, Rodan, Blood Beast from Outer Space, The Giant Gila Monster, The Alligator People, Curse of the Fly, concession stand ad, Children of the Damned, an anti-juvenile delinquent ad, The Gamma People, The Day of the Triffids, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Human Vapor, Target Earth, Varan the Unbelievable, The Creeping Unknown, The Omega Man, 20 Million Miles to Earth, Latitude Zero, Unknown Terror, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Andromeda Strain, Monster from Green Hell, Five, First Men in the Moon, This Island Earth, The Invisible Ray, Forbidden Planet, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!, Midnight, The Shining, It's Alive, The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, Killdozer, The Empire Strikes Back, The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, Squirm, Hollywood Boulevard, Let Me Die a Woman, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Cars That Eat People, A Taste of Flesh, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Venom, Don't Go in the House, Mother's Day, Caveman, Dracula's Dog, War Goddess, The Night Child, Satan's Cheerleaders, The Exorcist, Goliathon (AKA:  The Mighty Peking Man), My Bloody Valentine, a double feature of Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders, Man from the Deep River, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Fury, Horror of the Blood Monsters, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, Beyond the Door, a double feature of Beyond the Door II and The Dark, One Million Years B.C., Berserk!, Bug, Phase IV, a double feature of Blood from the Mummy's Tomb and Night of the Blood Monster, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), and Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS.