TUBI CONTINUED… AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL (2017) NO STARS

Politically incorrect humor has its place, but you probably shouldn’t even attempt it in this day in age unless you’re a certifiable comic genius.  The makers of After School Special clearly are not.  In fact, it seems like they purposefully tried to see how fast they could piss off every minority group known to man.  In the first ten minutes, there are homophobic, racist, and sexist jokes (on top of the prevalent dick and pedophile jokes), and none of it is remotely funny.  At all times it feels like a comedian who keeps doubling down on the “I’m an equal opportunity offender” defense, with each joke being more tasteless than the last.  

Two high school losers are on the brink of not graduating.  Their principal decides to give them one last chance and signs them up for a “mentoring” program.  However, their “mentor” winds up being a sleazy bar owner who just wants to use them as cheap labor.  When they learn one of their classmates have been kidnapped by a secret society of perverts, they set out to rescue her.

If you can’t tell from that “plot” description, After School Special is all over the place.  To call it a “plot” is an insult to storytelling in general.  It’s more like a couple of half-baked subplots indifferently slapped together until the filmmakers reached something (close) to a feature length running time.  The jump from an Eyes Wide Shut-style Illuminati party to a training montage of an ex-secret agent grandma whipping the boys into shape is especially head-scratching.    

The leads are pretty bad, but the “name” cast do what they can.  We have porn star Kayden Kross as a sexy teacher, Jason London as the boys’ clueless dad, and Nick Swardson as a stoner janitor.  Eric Roberts (doing a broad gay characterization) and Ron Jeremy play themselves, and also happen to be members of the depraved secret society.  In case you’re wondering, this is exactly what you would expect from a movie in which Eric Roberts and Ron Jeremy play themselves.

This was especially disappointing given that it was directed by Jared Cohn, who did Bikini Spring Break, Jailbait, and Locked Up, all films that look like they belong in the Criterion Collection compared to this.  Although I enjoyed all those movies, he should be sentenced to a lifetime of detention for directing After School Special.

JANUA-RAY: THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES!!? (1964) ***

(Originally posted July 17th, 2007)

This is undeniably Ray Dennis Steckler’s masterpiece.  It’s a nutty horror musical that deserves its cult following.  The plot has Jerry (Steckler using his usual pseudonym Cash Flagg) taking his best girl and foreign friend to a carnival where he falls for one of the strippers.  She lures him into the booth where her sister, the fortune teller hypnotizes Jerry, splashes acid in his face and turns him into a murderous zombie.  In the end, her pit full of zombies escapes and cause carnage at the carnival.  

This is all well and good but to pad the running time, Steckler haphazardly tosses in some awful musical and dancing numbers (one including a tribal dance) that have nothing to do with anything.  The best scenes are the ones in which Steckler (who kinda resembles Nicolas Cage) gets hypnotized with a trippy spinning wheel and goofy sound effects.  The protracted chase on the beach finale doesn’t do it any favors either, but there is enough general goofiness to keep you entertained.  Besides with a title like that what’s not to like?  

Steckler’s usual cohorts Carolyn Brandt and Titus Moody also have small roles.  Laszlo Kovacs and Vilmos Zsigmond were the cinematographers.  Steckler did The Thrill Killers next.  

AKA:  Teenage Psycho Meets Bloody Mary.  AKA:  Diabolical Dr. Voodoo.  AKA:  AKA:  The Incredibly Mixed Up Zombie.

JANUA-RAY NOTES:  

1) Most prints of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? I have seen (particularly the one shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000) were often muddy and murky, which made the film look like a cross between the Zapruder film and someone’s last known photograph.  Severin’s restoration looks like a million bucks.  

2) The opening title sequence, in which Cash Flagg’s face slowly morphs into an ugly zombie is an all-timer. 

3) I see that Steckler took a page out of Arch Hall, Sr.’s playbook by having posters of his previous films lurking around in the background.  There’s nothing like shameless self-promotion.

4) In my archive review, I refer to the musical and dance numbers as “awful”.  I am happy to say they have grown on me over time.  I still don’t think they are necessarily “good”, but they certainly add to the overall oddball vibe that makes the movie such a unique experience.  

5) Another thing that has grown on me about the movie:  Atlas King’s performance.  I used to think his thick accent and unintelligible ramblings were annoying, but like the various dance numbers, it’s just another bizarre component that makes TISCWSLABMUZ!!? A work of deranged genius.  

6) The hypnotism scenes are genuinely great, and the close-ups of Flagg’s bulging eyeballs are effective.

7) The extended nightmare/freak-out sequence, while primarily only there to pad out the running time, is also really well done.

8) Was Cash Flagg the first person to rock the hoodie look?

9) Not all the musical numbers are bad.  Far and away the best song is “Shook Out of Shape”, which is, as the kids say nowadays, a “banger”.

TUBI CONTINUED… TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022) * ½

There are a lot of old, dumb movies on Tubi.  This is the newest, dumbest one I could find.  It came out yesterday, which makes sense since it’s a New Year’s Eve themed slasher.  (Just like the original 1980 Terror Train.)  It’s also a Tubi Original, and it's nice to know that they can make original content that is just as dumb as many of the older movies found on the streaming service. 

Terror Train 2 has one of the dumbest excuses for a sequel I’ve ever seen, which is really saying something.  Alana (Robyn Alomar) is having a tough time getting over the events of the first film.  Her roommate convinces her she needs to “face her fears” in order to move on.  Luckily for her, the frat who organized the Halloween train ride that was crashed by a mad slasher in the first flick, is holding the SAME EXACT train ride on the SAME EXACT train.  The only difference is that this time, it’s a New Year’s party.  Naturally, since the events of that Halloween massacre are now legendary, a group of passengers who survived the massacre have taken to wearing the SAME EXACT costumes the victims wore as a part of some true-crime cosplay thing.  I think the real reason is because they filmed 1 and 2 simultaneously and it just gave them an excuse to reuse footage, costumes, sets, and actors.  

It takes a while for the train to leave the station as there is a lot of exposition about the events of the first movie.  What isn’t made clear is if this is supposed to be the same year or the next year.  I mean, it’s kind of crass to hold another murder train party a year later.  It’s even worse if the massacre of the first film took place on October 31^st and this one happened only two months later. 

It's stuff like this you have to think about while watching Terror Train 2 because the overwhelming sense of déjà vu is a tad mind-numbing.  It’s one thing for the survivors to relive the events of the first Terror Train.  It’s asking a bit much to make the audience to relive it, especially considering the first one came out a mere two months ago.  I fully expect Part 3 to come rolling into the station by St. Patrick’s Day. 

It also doesn’t help that the body count is pitifully low.  The film does earn an extra Half-Star for the scene in which people strictly adhere to a character’s preferred pronouns, even while vociferously accusing them of being a murderer, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a slasher movie before.  Other than that, Terror Train 2 is a total trainwreck.

TUBI CONTINUED…

Tubi is by far my favorite streaming service.  They have a wealth of WTF, oddball, low budget dreck, as well as even a few big budget, all-star, major studio movies.  Over the years, I’ve added a bunch of movies to my queue, and out of curiosity, I counted just how many I had in my watchlist.  As it turned out, there were 365.  I thought to myself, “Gee, the only way I could watch all those movies is if I watched one a day.”  

That gave me the idea to do this column.  However, I know my schedule is often erratic, so I know I couldn’t possibly keep up watching Tubi on a daily basis for an entire year.  Then I thought, “Well, I can just put it on pause and say, to be continued…  To be… Tubi… Tubi Continued!”  Once I had a catchy name for the column, I just HAD to follow through.  

I know full and well I won’t be able to watch all the movies in my queue.  In fact, I’m sure Tubi will take down some of these films before I even have a chance to check them out.  Another stumbling block… every time I watch a movie, I add two or three more whenever I peruse the “You Might Also Like” section.  No matter.  If they keep adding them, I'll keep watching them.

So, what do you say?  Let’s ring in the new year with a bunch of Tubi-tacular movies!

JANUA-RAY: WILD GUITAR (1962) **

(Originally posted July 17, 2007)

If you’re an Arch Hall, Jr. or Ray Dennis Steckler fan, have I got a movie for you!  Hall stars as Bud Eagle, a naïve (okay, stupid) country bumpkin who gets a recording contract and is exploited by an unscrupulous promoter (Arch Hall, Sr.).  He almost loses his best gal and masterminds his own kidnapping to get out of the limelight.  All the usual rags to riches clichés are used.  If you’re a Steckler completist (like me) you have to check it out.  Not only does he direct this one, he also co-stars (under his usual pseudonym Cash Flagg) as “Steak”, Hall’s bodyguard.  Hall also sings his tender love ballad (Excuse me for falling in the floor in a fit of laughter after typing Hall and “tender love ballad” in the same sentence.) “I Love You Vicki”, which he also sang in Eegah!  Mystery Science Theater 3000 deemed this too bad to make fun of, but you’ll have fun with it.

JANUA-RAY NOTES:  

1) Severin really outdid themselves with this transfer.  This is the best the film has ever looked.

2) The opening scenes really give you a great glimpse of what Hollywood was like in the early ‘60s.

3) Steckler’s staging of the dancing and music numbers is quite good.  He’d later perfect his craft in his next film, the immortal The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.

4) I liked seeing posters for Hall’s other movies, The Choppers and Eegah! on the wall in the coffee shop.

5) I think what prevents Wild Guitar from really working is the fact that so much of it is unearned.  Bud becomes an overnight sensation less than overnight, and the number that catapults him to stardom isn’t very good at all.  I know this is just a hollow riff on your average rise and fall of a teen idol movie, but the whirlwind way it all goes down just isn’t very believable.  Not that believability is something crucial in a Ray Dennis Steckler flick, but still.   

6) Another problem is that much of the movie hinges around Bud being incredibly naïve to advance the plot.  Did I say, “incredibly naïve’?  I meant “rock stupid”.  If you thought he was dumb though, wait till you get a load of the guys who “kidnap” him.  They make the Bowery Boys look like rocket scientists in comparison.  

7) I think the script Steckler had to work with would’ve made for a good first draft.  Had it been beefed up a bit and the stock situations hadn’t been so damned predictable; Wild Guitar might’ve been a decent little flick.  

8) Steckler provides some good moments, both behind and in front of the camera.  He does a nice job directing Bud and Vicki’s date at the ice skating rink, and he’s fun to watch as Bud’s bodyguard, “Steak”.  He often steals scenes by just hanging out in the background and picking his nails.  

9) The final number, “Twist Fever” is a lot of fun and hints at what the film could’ve been had it not gotten bogged down with all the dull showbiz melodrama.  As it is, Wild Guitar is too tame for its own good.

JANUA-RAY

Last month, I explored the wonderfully weird world of exploitation pioneer Doris Wishman.  This month, I’ll be focusing my attention of the cinematic output of the one-of-a-kind directorial prowess of cult legend Ray Dennis Steckler.  If he only made The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, he would still be a legend.  Ray, thankfully, gave the world a lot more, and all through January, I will be looking at the bulk of his films, which have been lovingly restored and remastered by the good folks at Severin in this deluxe box set.  

As with Doris December, if I have previously reviewed a movie featured in the box set (either on my old LiveJournal site or here on Blogger), I will repost my original review, along with some new thoughts/commentary.  If I have never seen the film in question, I will write a brand-new review.  If there’s an off chance that I completely change my stance on the flick (which is what happened when I re-watched Bad Girls Go to Hell), I will write a new “critical re-evaluation”.  

So, what do you say?  Let’s dive into the land of Ray Dennis Steckler.  I have a feeling January is going to be one incredibly strange month.  

TRAILERS #12: THE HOUSE OF HAMMER (1992) *** ½

Like the previous installment in Something Weird’s trailer compilation series, Universal Horror Classics of the ‘30s and ‘40s, Trailers #12 has a strong connecting theme, which makes it slightly more fun to watch than your average collection.  This time out, the focus is on the Hammer horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s.  Any Hammer fan worth their salt will want to seek this one out as there are a ton of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee movies on display.  Another plus is that at ninety minutes, it’s a good half-hour shorter than your average Something Weird trailer collection, which helps make for easy, breezy viewing.  

Things kick off with a great run of Dracula trailers.  Later, we get a good string of Frankenstein previews, as well as a fun cluster of ads for Mummy movies.  Most of the highlights belong to the trailers for vampire flicks such as Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire (“Welcome to the Finishing School Where They Really Do Finish You!”), Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), and The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula (“Black Belt Against Black Magic!”), but the French trailer for The Horror of Frankenstein is really cool too.    

The best part is the wealth of double feature trailers.  The Scars of Dracula is paired with The Horror of Frankenstein.  Vampire Circus screens alongside Countess Dracula.  “Black Stamps” are given away to theater patrons who see a double bill of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb.  

It's not just trailers that make The House of Hammer so much fun.  Midway through, there’s a short behind the scenes documentary on the making of Dracula A.D. 1972 in which Christopher Lee is briefly interviewed in his home.  This is followed up by the trailer for the movie as well as some really awesome vintage intermission ads, including the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” short.  That to me, is worth the price of admission.

Here's the full line-up of trailers:  Horror of Dracula, The Brides of Dracula, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, Taste the Blood of Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, a double feature of The Scars of Dracula and The Horror of Frankenstein, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Mummy, X the Unknown, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, Five Million Years To Earth, One Million Years B.C., a double feature of Curse of the Mummy's Tomb and The Gorgon, Lust for a Vampire, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Twins of Evil, Dracula A.D. 1972 Featurette: Prince of Terror, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Devil's Bride, Enemy from Space, Count Dracula and his Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Night Creatures, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Evil of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Horror of Frankenstein (French), The Curse of the Werewolf, The Kiss of the Vampire, The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula, The Gorgon, The Phantom of the Opera, The Vengeance of She, The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Shroud, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, and To the Devil a Daughter.