Monday, March 6, 2023

TUBI CONTINUED… KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, AND FRIENDS (1990) ***

Fans of King Kong and other giant screen apes, gorillas, and ape-men rejoice!  Have I got a trailer compilation for you.  At little over an hour, King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Friends (although it’s listed on Tubi as King Kong and Friends:  Gorillas, Dinosaurs, and Fantasy Creatures) is a fun collection of Hollywood monkey business through the decades.  I’m sure you guessed there would be previews for such classics as King Kong, Son of Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and King Kong vs. Godzilla, but we also get the cool trailer for the underrated King Kong Escapes as well.  Heck, even vaguely related, sorta-apes like Robot Monster are well-represented.   

Unlike most trailer compilations, this has the added attraction of vintage newsreel footage, old promotional featurettes, classic commercials, and select scenes from a few different movies that help to increase the fun factor.  My favorite part was the old Volkswagen commercial featuring an excellent stop-motion King Kong.  As far as the clips portion of the program goes, it’s a mixed bag.  I mean, did we need TWO scenes from Jack the Giant Killer?  (Especially when the stop-motion monsters are kind of crappy.)  The good news is the scene from Rocketship (the condensed feature length version of the old Flash Gordon serial) where Flash goes toe to toe with an ugly gorilla is really cool.  

While there are some pokey stretches, for the most part, King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Friends is an agreeable and breezy way to kill an hour.  When the killer apes (of both the stop-motion and men-in-suit variety) aren’t front and center, there’s plenty of giant lizards (of both the men-in-suit and regular-reptiles-photographed-to-make-them-look-like-giants variety), dinosaurs, or stars of Bert I. Gordon movies around to keep you entertained.  Trailer compilation hounds and monster movie enthusiasts are sure to go ape over it.   

AKA:  King Kong and Friends:  Gorillas, Dinosaurs, and Fantasy Creatures.

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Vintage monster promo reel, King Kong (1933), Son of Kong, Mighty Joe Young (1949), King Kong Volkswagen commercial, King Kong vs. Godzilla, King Kong Escapes, Konga, The Magic Sword (scene) Jack the Giant Killer (scene), Jack the Giant Killer (another scene), Unknown Island (scene), Journey to the Beginning of Time, The Lost World (1961), Earth vs. the Spider, The Giant Gila Monster, Valley of the Dragons, 20 Million Miles to Earth, The Land Unknown, Robot Monster, The Cyclops, Rocketship (scene), Gorilla at Large, The Ape Man (scene), White Pongo, Godzilla, King of the Monsters, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, Planet of Dinosaurs (scenes), Planet of Dinosaurs (another scene), Planet of Dinosaurs (yet another scene), and Planet of the Apes (promotional featurette).  

Friday, March 3, 2023

TUBI CONTINUED… MAIL ORDER MURDER: THE STORY OF W.A.V.E. PRODUCTIONS (2020) ***

Mail Order Murder:  The Story of W.A.V.E. Productions is a fun and breezy documentary about the New Jersey-based video company that specializes in low (or sometimes, no) budget shot-on-video horror movies.  After making a splash in the early days of the SOV boom, director and owner Gary Whitson supplemented their catalogue by offering custom made horror movies where fans could write in and see their various horror fetishes played out before their very eyes.  Even though paying customers had input (sometimes more, sometimes less) on the productions, Whitson’s no-budget ingenuity ensured that every film he produced had a distinct touch that only a W.A.V.E. movie could offer.

Directors William Hellfire (who himself is a bit of a maverick in the SOV horror market) and Ross Snyder begin the film with a brief overview of the SOV horror phenomenon of the ‘80s and ‘90s (which itself would make for a fascinating documentary), before focusing on the eccentric, one-of-a-kind W.A.V.E. Productions.  The clips are sometimes jaw-dropping in just how bad (but admittedly entertaining) they are.  Most look about as close to a snuff movie as you could get without actually killing anybody.  

Whitson is interviewed and seems like an “Aw, shucks” kind of guy.  He certainly doesn’t seem like the type that would make movies about strangling, bondage, torture, asphyxiation, death by quicksand, and murder.  Frequent W.A.V.E. actresses, who have quite a following in their own right, such as Tina Krause, Deana Demko, and Pamela Sutch are also interviewed.  They all seem quite pleased with their small place in the footnote of cinema history.  We also hear from fans and fellow filmmakers, who seem perplexed, but in awe of the W.A.V.E. aesthetic (or lack thereof). 

Mail Order Murder serves as a good primer for fans.  It’s a fine history lesson on the birth and growth of the company and it’s totally worthwhile just for the interviews with all the W.A.V.E. starlets.  I just wish it delved a little deeper into what makes Gary tick instead of just propping him up as an unsung hero of underground DIY cinema.  I mean, he totally is.  It’s just that for a documentary on movies so dirty, I was hoping for more dirt (or quicksand).

Thursday, March 2, 2023

TUBI CONTINUED… FEMALE MERCENARIES 2: THE MAD DOCTOR OF ZOMBIE ISLAND (2008) **

I saw this listed on Tubi as Mad Doctor of Zombie Island, which sounded promising enough.  After sitting through a long prologue about a giant meteor crashing into the Earth (it looks like a wad of aluminum foil), two chicks getting into a Kung Fu battle, and a scene featuring the slowest death via quicksand in screen history, I was kind of flummoxed.  At about the ten-minute mark, the title “Female Mercenaries 2:  The Mad Doctor of Zombie Island” appeared, and it started to make sense why it didn’t make sense:  It was a sequel to a movie I had never heard of, let alone seen.  

Ten more minutes went by, and I was hopelessly lost again.  Characters come and go.  They die, only to reappear as clones.  I was starting to pull my hair out.  

Fortunately, at about the twenty-minute mark, the movie revealed its true purpose:  Gratuitous nude scenes, strangulations, catfights, and bondage.  If the filmmakers had cut the useless first two reels and gotten right to the good stuff, this might’ve skated by with ** ½.  Maybe.  All I know is that things got markedly better the less the actresses wore.  

Anyway, the “plot” has a mad doctor (who I assume died in the first movie) cloning herself on her secret island so she can continue her diabolical experiments.  Every time one of her prisoners dies, she clones them.  Sometimes she turns them into werewolves?!?  After she turns a couple of guys into zombies, their girlfriends team up to storm the island and get revenge.  

No wonder this was so weird.  It was one of those W.A.V.E. Productions where you can basically write your own fetish video and they film it for you.  I guess all the catfights and bondage stuff was OK, but I certainly don’t have a fetish for longwinded prologues and incomprehensible plots.  (Not that you would watch something like this for the plot, but oh well.)  All that stuff got in the way of the fun.  It didn’t help that the sound was bad, and a lot of the dialogue was muffled.  Still, the overly dramatic death scenes were good for a laugh or two.  I also enjoyed the long, lingering shots of the actresses’ butts when they’re lying on the floor dead.  

I’ve been meaning to check out the W.A.V.E. documentary, Mail Order Murder.  I see it’s on Tubi.  I guess I know what tomorrow’s movie is going to be. 

AKA:  Mad Doctor of Zombie Island.

THE SWEEPER (1996) ***

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Wednesday, March 1, 2023

THE TOP TEN FILMS OF 2022

1. Crimes of the Future
2. The Banshees of Inisherin
3. Top Gun:  Maverick
4. Elvis
5. Pearl
6. Smile
7. The Menu
8. X
9. The Batman
10. The Black Phone

Runner-Up:  The Northman

THE COMPLETE LIST OF VIDEO VACUUM AWARD WINNERS FOR BEST MOVIE:

For curiosity’s sake (probably more my curiosity than yours), here’s a complete list of the past winners of the Video Vacuum Award for Best Movie.

2007:  Grindhouse (4 Awards total)

2008:  Rambo (8 Awards total)

2009:  Inglourious Basterds (3 Awards total)

2010:  Piranha 3-D (9 Awards total)

2011:  Hobo with a Shotgun (4 Awards total)

2012:  The Expendables 2 (8 Awards total)

2013:  Machete Kills (6 Awards total)

2014:  A Walk Among the Tombstones (2 Awards total)

2015:  Mad Max:  Fury Road (5 Awards total)

2016:  The Nice Guys (5 Awards total)

2017:  mother! (6 Awards total)

2018:  Creed 2 (5 Awards total)

2019:  Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (7 Awards total)

2020:  Skin:  A History of Nudity in the Movies (2 Awards total)

2021:  Spider-Man:  No Way Home (3 Awards total)

2022:  Crimes of the Future (5 Awards total)

THE 16TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Well, folks.  It’s that time of year.  Time to see who fed it and who ate it at the movies.  Can you believe I’ve been doing this for sixteen years?  This Awards ceremony is old enough to drive!  In that spirit, let’s buckle up and announce the winners (and losers) of the 16th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!

BEST DIALOGUE 

And the nominees are…

Crimes of the Future for “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way.”
Crimes of the Future for “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex.”
Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”
Crimes of the Future for “There’s no crime like the present!”
Crimes of the Future for “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open.”

And the winner is… Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”

BEST SEQUEL SUBTITLE

And the nominees are…

Do the Universe
First Kill
In the Multiverse of Madness
Plantasm
Vs. Mecha-Fembot 

And the winner is… In the Multiverse of Madness!

BEST SEQUEL

And the nominees are…

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Clerks 3
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness
Thor:  Love and Thunder 
Top Gun:  Maverick

And the winner is… Top Gun:  Maverick!

WORST SEQUEL

And the nominees are… 

Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien:  Starlight Saga
Giantess Attack vs. Mecha-Fembot
Puppet Master:  Doktor Death
Terror Train 2

And the loser is… Femalien:  Starlight Saga!

BEST HORROR SEQUEL

And the nominees are…

Halloween Ends
Jurassic World:  Dominion 
Orphan:  First Kill
Scream
Texas Chainsaw Massacre

And the winner is… Halloween Ends!

BEST HORROR LEGACY SEQUEL

And the nominees are…

Halloween Ends
Jurassic World:  Dominion
Scream
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2
Texas Chainsaw Massacre

And the winner is… Halloween Ends!

BEST HORROR MOVIE

And the nominees are…

Crimes of the Future
The Menu
Pearl
Smile
X

And the winner is… Crimes of the Future!

WORST HORROR MOVIE

And the nominees are… 

Amityville Karen
Hellraiser
Puppet Master:  Doktor Death
Terror Train 2
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

And the loser is… Amityville Karen!

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

And the nominees are…

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Dark Glasses
Dashcam
Day Shift
Piranha Women

And the winner is… Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe!

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

And the nominees are…

Amityville Karen
Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien:  Starlight Saga
Hellraiser
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

And the loser is… Amityville Karen!

BEST COMEDY

And the nominees are…

Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe
Clerks 3
Day Shift
Giantess Battle Attack!

And the winner is… Clerks 3!

BEST ACTION MOVIE

And the nominees are…

The Batman
Bullet Train
The Northman
Thor:  Love and Thunder 
Top Gun:  Maverick

And the winner is… Top Gun:  Maverick!

BEST ACTRESS

And the nominees are…

Kerry Condon in The Banshees of Inisherin
Mia Goth in Pearl
Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future
Anya Taylor-Joy in The Menu
Naomi Watts in Goodnight Mommy

And the winner is… Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future!

BEST ACTOR

And the nominees are…

Austin Butler in Elvis
Tom Cruise in Top Gun:  Maverick
Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin
Brendan Gleeson in The Banshees of Inisherin
Viggo Mortensen in Crimes of the Future

And the winner is… Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin!

BEST DIRECTOR

And the nominees are…

David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future
Joseph Kosinski for Top Gun:  Maverick
Baz Luhrmann for Elvis
Martin McDonagh for The Banshees of Inisherin
Ti West for Pearl and X

And the winner is… David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future!

WORST MOVIE

And the nominees are…

Amityville Karen
Call Me Emanuelle
Femalien:  Starlight Saga
Hellraiser
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

And the loser is… Amityville Karen!

BEST MOVIE

And the nominees are…

The Banshees of Inisherin
Crimes of the Future
Elvis
Pearl
Top Gun:  Maverick

And the winner is… Crimes of the Future!  

Well, folks.  That’s another year of awards in the books.  It looks like Crimes of the Future is this year’s big winner with five wins, including Best Movie!  Who will win next year?  The only way to find out is to keep watching!