TUBI CONTINUED… BITE ME! (2004) ***

A shipment of “killer” marijuana is delivered to a struggling strip club owner.  Little does he know there’s a nest of deadly spiders lurking within the wacky weed.  Soon, the place is infested with big ass bugs.  Whenever they bite a dancer, their venom acts as sort of an ersatz Spanish Fly, turning them into complete nymphos.  

Bite Me! is one of those movies that proves The Video Vacuum Rule that any movie can be made better if you set it in a strip club.  I’m sure a flick about giant bugs could’ve worked in a shopping mall, the suburbs, or on a nuclear test site.  It just hits different when the ginormous spiders invade a strip club.  It also helps that there are some genuine laughs to be had, thanks to the fun special effects and game performances.  Sure, there may be a couple of gratuitous characters (like the annoying DEA agent who keeps popping up) and unnecessary subplots, but whenever writer/director Brett (The Screaming Dead) Piper is showcasing the big bugs and bodacious babes, it often works like gangbusters.

Misty Mundae is top-billed and gets a fun Rambo parody scene that allows her to show off her comedic chops.  Julian Wells is also a lot of fun as the sexy Mafioso who wants to shut the club down so she can buy it.  She has a great scene where she gets bit by a spider and then hops on stage and struts her stuff on the stripper pole.

However, it’s Caitlyn Ross who steals the movie as the lethargic stripper, Amber.  She gives what has to be one of the most memorable stripteases in cinema history when she falls asleep on the stripper pole in mid-performance.  Too bad she only starred in a handful of films because based on her ability to combine comedy with sultry sex appeal, she could’ve been top notch B-Movie Queen.

MILLIGAN MARCH: BLOOD (1973) ** ½

I originally reviewed Andy Milligan’s Blood back on May 15th, 2018.  Here’s my initial thoughts on the film, followed by some notes I made for Milligan March:

BLOOD  (1973)  ** ½

Blood is one of Andy Milligan’s best movies, which is telling.  It’s a slapdash, low budget horror flick set primarily in one location that features crummy effects and inconsistent acting.  Some parts are out of focus.  Others are too dark to see.  Sometimes the actors flub their lines.  Other times their dialogue doesn’t match their lip movements.  All this makes the film more enjoyable, not less.  If you’ve ever sat through Milligan’s atrocious The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, this will seem like Citizen Kane by comparison.

Lawrence Orlofsky (Allen Berendt) moves his wife Regina (Hope Stansbury) and his gaggle of assistants into his ancestral home.  Almost immediately, they begin performing experiments on bloodthirsty plants to keep Regina looking youthful and vibrant.  When Lawrence starts making eyes at a pretty secretary (Pamela Adams), it sends Regina into a jealous rage.

Milligan’s Everything but the Kitchen Sink method is admirable.  Just when you start to get restless, he’ll toss in another improbable (but amusing) plot wrinkle.  (I wouldn’t dream of revealing why Orlofsky had to change his name.)  No matter how shoddy the production looks, I can’t in good conscience dismiss a movie that features mad scientists, vampires, AND man-eating plants.

Even at a relatively scant 69 minutes, the pacing starts to sag about halfway through.  The claustrophobic location doesn’t help matters either.  That said, there’s at least one memorable moment involving a mouse that will make your jaw drop.  While most of the performers are wooden and/or stilted, Stansbury is rather charming as the vampiric lady of the house.  The ending, though brief and anticlimactic makes me wish it had been on a double feature with Al Adamson’s Dracula vs. Frankenstein instead of the crappy Legacy of Satan.

MILLIGAN MARCH NOTES:  

1) As cheesy as most of the movie is, the initial reveal of the vampire lady’s decrepit face is effective.  

2) I wasn’t particularly taken with Hope Stansbury’s work in Milligan’s The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, but she is a straight-up fox in this movie.  I know she’s high maintenance and all (you’ve got to keep her supplied with fresh blood on a daily basis), but I think she’d be worth it.  

3) The pacing is rather erratic.  There are stretches where not much happens and then when something does, it occurs so fast that it’s enough to give you whiplash, which at least keeps you on your toes.  

4) The brief, sixty-nine-minute running time certainly helps, but sometimes the editing is so frantic that I have to wonder if there wasn’t a gorier cut at some point as the film (while it still has a couple of memorable gore scenes) isn’t quite as gory as your average Milligan flick.

5) As with many of Milligan’s pictures, things begin to stall the more time that’s spent on unnecessary supporting characters.  When Milligan is focusing on sexy vampire women, werewolves, and man-eating plants, it’s good, cheesy fun.  

Milligan Motifs:  This is yet another period costume drama/horror movie Milligan made in Staten Island that uses a lot of library music as part of the score.  Like many of his films, someone inevitably gets a meat cleaver to the skull and/or has their hands hacked off.  As with The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, there’s a scene where a mouse is killed. 

Milligan Stock Players:  In addition to starring in The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, Hope Stansbury also wrote Vapors for Milligan.  

AKA:  Black Nightmare in Blood.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SCREAMING DEAD (2003) ** ½

A kinky photographer (Joseph Farrell) makes his sexy subjects pose for controversial pictures.  He brings his latest batch of models to a supposedly haunted mansion/former insane asylum for his next shoot.  Once on the grounds, the frantic photog sets about playing mind games with the models to mentally torture then so he can capture them in the appropriately frightened state of mind he wishes them to convey.  Unfortunately, the models’ fear awakens the malevolent spirit of the sadistic former owner of the house who sets out to torture and kill everyone unlucky enough to be trespassing on his property.  

Written and directed by Brett (A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell) Piper, The Screaming Dead boasts a solid set-up, and the haunted sanitarium makes for an atmospheric location.  The inclusion of Seduction Cinema starlets like Misty Mundae and A.J. Khan help add to the fun.  However, once the models begin being subjected to the photographer’s mental degradation, things sort of stall.  It also takes an inordinate amount of time before the supernatural elements start falling into place.  The scenes of the beefy security guard (Rob Monkiewicz) butting heads with the freaky photographer have a tendency to get repetitive too.  While there are still a number of neat moments (like when a face gets pushed through a wall), and some of the torture sequences are reminiscent of the old Corman/Poe movies from the ‘60s, the finale ultimately feels rushed and a little unsatisfying.  

Monkiewicz makes for a good upstanding square jaw hero.  Rachel Robbins is also quite strong as the secretary who puts up with Farrell’s increasingly cruel demands and manipulations.  Farrell is a bit grating as the human villain, although I guess that’s kind of the point.  Still, a little of his performance goes a long way.  Misty is the reason to watch it (of course) as she delivers yet another solid performance and looks great during her various nude scenes.

MILLIGAN MARCH: CARNAGE (1984) **

Here’s my original review of Carnage as it first appeared on November 12th, 2008, followed by some additional notes I made as I watched the film as part of Milligan March:  

CARNAGE  (1984)  **

A couple commits suicide while dressed in their wedding clothes in their new house.  Years later another pair of newlyweds moves in and almost right away, the house starts exhibiting some peculiarities.  Doors don’t stay closed, teacups move around by themselves, and the phonograph ominously plays “Here Comes the Bride”.  Eventually we learn that the deceased couple is haunting the place and they want the latest tenants to die so they can become ghostified and live with them forever.

Low budget horror director Andy (The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here) Milligan was actually working with something of a budget on this film and the results really aren’t too bad at all.  The biggest gripe I had was with the sluggish pacing and the fact that the actors were all amateurish and extremely unphotogenic.  That’s okay though because Carnage had enough (unintentional) laughs to keep me semi-entertained for 90 minutes.

The funniest part comes when the spirits toss a radio into the bathtub on some poor unsuspecting dope.  The fact that he is clearly wearing underwear during this scene is funny enough but the fact that the radio is playing an all-accordion version of Elvis’ “Now or Never” makes it that much more bizarre.  I also highly enjoyed the scene where the cleaning woman gets pelted with a whole bunch of supernatural Silly String for no good reason whatsoever.  

The main “scary” thing the ghosts do is make things move around by themselves.  It looks as stupid as it sounds, but at least when the ghosts starts levitating axes, pitchforks and meat cleavers, people end up losing body parts left and right.  (The decapitation scene is particularly shitdiculous).  There’s also a juicy self-induced throat slashing in there too for good measure as well.

Yeah the effects are terrible (the ghosts appear via jump cuts and the levitating objects are obviously being held up by strings), but that doesn’t make the flick altogether unwatchable.  While parts of the film WERE a chore to sit through, it did feature enough gore to justify its title.  It’s far from the worst Milligan movie I’ve seen, that’s damn skippy.  

MILLIGAN MARCH NOTES:  

1) The opening murder/suicide scene is semi-effective and feels much more like a “real” movie than many of Milligan’s homegrown productions.

2) The scenes where the everyday household objects move around on the new homeowners to mildly inconvenience them are kind of funny.  I feel like this is the kind of shit real ghosts would do.  You know, like hide the new tenant’s car keys just long enough to make them late for the dentist and force them to reschedule.  Got to love petty poltergeists.  

3) The scene where the bloody bride randomly appears and sprays the housekeeper in the face with cobwebs (it looks like Silly String) are semi-amusing, but not quite laugh-out-loud funny.

4) The gore is decent, but the transfer on the Blu-ray is so good that you can see the seams of the make-up during the throat slashing and the visible wires when the guy’s guts are being ripped out by the “invisible” ghost.  

5) While the stuff that takes place inside the house is semi-entertaining, whenever it cuts away to other family members squabbling about their own problems, the pace slows down to a crawl.

6) So far, I’ve referred to Carnage as “semi-effective”, “semi-amusing”, and “semi-entertaining”.  That about sums it up.  Close, but no cigar.  However, when Andy Milligan is making horror movies, close, but no cigar is about nearest he can get to a bull’s eye.  

Milligan Motifs:  Carnage is yet another Andy Milligan production that was filmed in Staten Island that's filled with library music on the soundtrack.  The gore is consistent with other Milligan films as it features all the pitchforking, hacked off hands, and meat cleavers to the skull you’ve come to expect from the man.  The concept of three married couples staying in a spooky old house is a theme that constantly recycles throughout Milligan’s work and the death in the bathtub owes a debt to the one in Seeds.

Milligan Stock Players:  Leslie Den Dooven was later in Milligan’s short, Adventures of Red Rooster.  

TUBI CONTINUED… CHANTAL (2007) *** ½

Would-be starlet Chantal (Misty Mundae) arrives in Hollywood with stars in her eyes, ready to make her big break in the movies.  Immediately, she encounters various scumbags and sleazoids who trick her into attending fake auditions.  She then falls in with a nest of lesbian photographers (Andrea Davis, Darian Caine, and Julie Strain) who wind up exploiting her just as much, if not more than the creepy men.  Chantal eventually shacks up with a call girl (Julian Wells) who promises to help her out, but she predictably uses her too.  

Sure, Chantal is little more than a cliched expose on the sordid world of starlets trying to make it in Hollywood, but when it’s Misty Mundae playing the starlet, it just hits different.  Now, we all know Misty is beautiful and sexy and fun in her B movies.  With Chantal, she gets to prove she is a fine actress as well.  She hits the sweet spot between naïve and stupid, and makes you care about her character even when she’s making increasingly bad (and dumb) choices.  Misty’s really put through the wringer in this one as she’s forced to strip, gets pissed on, and resorts to eating trash.  Misty also has a lot of chemistry with Wells, who plays the hooker with a heart of tarnished gold.  Their scenes together really work, even if it’s a foregone conclusion that she’s going to break Misty’s heart.  

Caine, Davis, and Strain are equally good as the evil lesbians who corrupt Misty.  We’re all used to seeing Mundae, Caine, and Wells appearing in these Alternative Cinema films, but Strain is a welcome addition to the formula.  She really commands the screen, especially during her scenes where she demeans the struggling starlets.  

It's Misty who gets the best line of the movie when she says, “Why does everything get reduced to sucking and fucking in this town?”

TUBI CONTINUED… CURSE OF THE SNAKE WOMAN (2013) ** ½

After loving Veronica Ricci’s performance in Ouija Nazi, I decided to check out another one of her films.  Tubi’s algorithm has been recommending this one to me a lot, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity to pull the trigger.  While it’s missing the all-out fun and campy atmosphere of something like Ouija Nazi, Ricci’s presence makes it a sporadically amusing good time.

A thief steals a sacred snake statue and is shot by the cops while fleeing the museum.  While hiding out in a strip club (called “Eden”), his blood mixes with the statue, which brings the snake to life.  The snake bites a dancer named Trinity (Ricci), turning her into a bloodsucking snake woman.  She then goes around sinking her fangs into the customers and turns her fellow strippers into her bootlicking minions.  

Curse of the Snake Woman is an interesting if not entirely successful variation on the vampire genre.  (It certainly mixes snake and vampire mythologies better than the awful Lady of the Dark:  Genesis of the Serpent Vampire.)  I will say that the cheap strip club set kind of takes some of the fun out of the whole thing.  (It looks more like an Arby’s employee break room with a stripper pole set up in the middle of the room than an actual strip club.)  It also doesn’t help that this is one of those edited-for-Tubi movies that have all the nudity scissored out.  (Although according to the IMDb Parents Guide, it doesn’t look like I missed a whole lot.)  Even then, the Tubi censors must’ve been asleep at the wheel because there are a few glimpses of skin here and there.

The subplot with the two brothers trying to get their hands on the statue eats up a lot of screen time too.  They spout off a lot of exposition about the myth of the snake woman and the history of the statue, and it bogs things down after a while.  The make-up on the snake woman in the end is pretty good though and is reminiscent of Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn.

The film benefits from yet another fun performance by Ricci.  She’s not nearly as over the top as she was in Ouija Nazi, but she breathes a little life into her snake woman role.  I wish the movie itself was worthy of her talents, but I enjoyed watching it just to see her strut her stuff.  She gets some pretty good lines too, like when she rips out a guy’s guts while going down on him and quips, “I love it when a guy sprays all over my face!”  Or when she tears out a customer’s tongue and says, “Keep your tongue to yourself!”  She’s so hot in this that you can’t blame the dudes for falling under her spell.  I know I would be helpless if she told me things like, “Can you take a shower with me?  I am like, soooo dirty!”

AKA:  Snake Club:  Revenge of the Snake Woman.  AKA:  Snake Club.

MILLIGAN MARCH: VAPORS (1965) **

Vapors is Andy Milligan’s first film.  It’s a gay-themed short set in a New York bath house populated by men who are on the make.  A lonely man named Thomas (Gerald Jacuzzo) hangs out in one of the rooms where he meets the married Mr. Jaffee (Robert Dahdah).  Together, they sit and talk about their lives and occasionally are interrupted by the customers who are looking for a quick place to hook up.

Although the customers who roam the halls are portrayed rather broadly, the interactions between Thomas and Mr. Jaffee seem genuine and well-intentioned for the most part.  I’m sure this felt revelatory at the time just for because it showed gay men being gay men.  Despite there being a nice moment or two, the whole thing just never quite gels.  

The film was based on a play by Hope Stansbury (who also appeared in Milligan’s The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here), and it feels very stage bound and talky at times.  What might’ve worked on stage for an act, just isn’t compelling as a short.  While Jacuzzo and Dahdah have chemistry together, Stansbury’s dialogue often lets them down.  Jacuzzo is strong, but Dahdah is merely adequate, and he doesn’t quite sell his longwinded story about the death of his son, which robs the ending of its potential impact.  The scene where they play “This Little Piggy” is rather awkward too.  I don’t know if Milligan was trying to make this scene flirtatious or what, but it just comes off as a cringey interaction.  Maybe that was the intention all along.  I’m not sure.  

Milligan does capture the atmosphere rather well.  The performers seemed game enough too.  Maybe if the material had been better fleshed out, it would’ve stuck the landing.  As it is, it remains an interesting, if only fitfully successful curiosity.   

Milligan Motifs:  Milligan would make movies with gay themes on and off for the entirety of his career.  

Milligan Stock Players:  Dahdah had a small role in The Body Beneath, Jacuzzo was in several Milligan productions (most notably Torture Dungeon), Hal Sherwood also turned up in The Ghastly Ones, and Hal Borske appeared in a bunch of Andy’s stuff.