TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022) ** ½

A priest performs an exorcism at the Amityville Horror house.  When he realizes he can’t destroy the evil, he banishes it “away from the Earth”, which causes the house to uproot itself and fly off into outer space.  Prospective filmmakers take note:  THIS is how you start a movie!  

A thousand years later, a spaceship stumbles upon the house floating in space.  The crew boards the ship and find the priest who performed the exorcism centuries ago still alive.  They bring him aboard their ship, but the evil entity that possessed the house also sneaks on board and begins to play mind games with the crew.

Amityville in Space is proof that the spirit of Ed Wood is alive and well.  Writer/director Mark (Amityville Island) Polonia didn’t have a dime to make this movie with, but he made it anyway, and some of his… shall we say… “inspired” methods of creating futuristic art direction are downright hilarious.  For example, the walls of the spaceship are nothing more than trash bags that have been spraypainted with glitter.  Also, the “cyborg” wears a costume that looks like it came directly from the Halloween clearance rack at Kmart.  The dialogue is rather choice too.  When the crew finds a Satanic pentagram floating in space, one astronaut quips, “I almost got a tattoo of that!”

Essentially, Amityville in Space is like a no-budget riff on Event Horizon, which was already kind of like a haunted house movie in space.  The opening strikes the right balance of tongue in cheek camp and outright goofiness.  However, things are noticeably less successful whenever Polonia tries to play it straight.  While he wrings as much from the premise as he can with the limited means available to him, the fun does dry up around the halfway mark.  

Although this was leagues better than I expected, I still can’t quite recommend it.  One of the biggest stumbling blocks is the villain, whose voice is so overly synthesized it’s hard to make out what he’s saying half the time.  (He sounds like Darth Vader speaking in slow motion.)  On the plus side, the final monster is quite hilarious looking.  After sitting through Polonia’s Amityville Island and Amityville Exorcism, I never would’ve guessed he could’ve made a movie called Amityville in Space this almost-but-not-quite worthwhile.  Hats off to him for proving me wrong.  

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE COP (2021) **

What do you get when you cross Beverly Hills Cop with Maniac Cop?  You get this odd horror comedy from Gregory Hatanaka, the director of Samurai Cop 2:  Deadly Vengeance.  In fact, I’m pretty sure the production company wanted to call this Beverly Hills Maniac Cop, but they probably didn’t want to get sued.  Instead, they just slapped the public domain “Amityville” label on it and called it a day.  (Although there’s nothing that connects the plot back to the famous haunted house as everything takes place in Los Angeles.)  

Miller (Jason Toler) is a wisecracking cop who has a habit of getting in trouble with his superiors.  His latest assignment finds him investigating a series of homicides where all the victims have had their throats torn out.  Turns out, twenty years ago, a devil cult imbued a rookie cop with supernatural powers.  Now, he’s back on the streets killing people.  Eventually, the psycho supernatural cop crashes the New Year’s party at the stationhouse and starts picking off the detectives one by one.  

Since Hatanaka is drawing from such diverse inspirations, the film never quite gels overall.  That said, it isn’t boring, and it’s certainly a lot more fun than his recent spate of Emanuelle rip-offs.  The scant running time (it’s only sixty-nine minutes) also helps things go down smooth.    

Toler’s Eddie Murphy Lite antics aren’t exactly laugh out loud funny, but he has a reasonable amount of charisma, which compensates for some of the jokes that fall flat.  (Sample dialogue:  “You have the right to remain dead!”)  I’ll admit, it was fun seeing Laurene Landon (who was also in the Maniac Cop movies) popping up as the leader of the devil worshipping cult, even though it’s more of a glorified cameo.  Hatanaka regulars like Nicole D’Angelo, Chris Spinell, and Lisa London round out the cast, all of whom do what they can with the uneven, yet fitfully entertaining material.

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE CHRISTMAS VACATION (2022) ** ½

Amityville Christmas Vacation is barely a movie.  It’s only forty-seven minutes long.  It’s shot in mostly one location using only a handful of actors on the lowest of budgets.  There’s almost enough of an idea here to fill a fake three-minute Grindhouse style trailer, and even then, that’s being somewhat generous.  

Some fake Amityville movies play it straight.  Some intentionally go for laughs.  Most of the time, the ones that play it straight end up getting more laughs than the ones that intentionally go for them.  This one has charm to spare, and even an occasional (intentional) laugh or two.  I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s far from the worst fake Amityville movie out there.  

Wally Griswold (writer/director Steve Rudzinski, the man who gave us CarousHELL) is a cop who wins an all-expense paid vacation to a B & B in Amityville.  The only other tenant is a ghost who must haunt and kill him.  Naturally, they wind up falling in love, because, after all, it’s Christmas.  

I’m kind of a fan of Rudzinski’s films.  If we are setting the bar at CarousHELL, then Amityville Christmas Vacation falls short of that marker, but it’s about on par with CarousHELL 2, which isn’t too shabby.  Sure, it has its fair share of gags that fall flat.  However, it remains relatively entertaining throughout, especially during the scenes that parody Hallmark Christmas movies. 

Rudzinski is basically a one-man show in this.  He gamely carries the movie while tossing off one-liners to no one in particular.  He kind of has a Bruce Campbell quality about him.  You know, the ability to be the only one on screen, and while utilizing little more than his plucky spirit, is able to successfully sell the cheesy dialogue and effects and make them work.  While I can’t say this is overall his best effort, I will be the first one in line should he choose to direct and star in Amityville Vegas Vacation. 

AMITYVILLE APRIL

Hey, Vacuumers!  This month’s theme is going to be Amityville April.  My task is to watch as many fake Amityville movies Tubi has to offer (and maybe even one or two “official” sequels).  I know I’m already running behind schedule, but I hope to post all my reviews by the end of the month.  So, pack your bags, folks!  We’re going to Amityville!

MILLIGAN MARCH: TOGA PARTY (1977) *

According to the opening crawl accompanying the Blu-ray, Toga Party was originally filmed as a softcore comedy called Pelvis.  Distributor William Mishkin then changed the title to Toga Party to cash in on the popularity of Animal House and hired Andy Milligan to shoot some new inserts to spice things up.  The original cast, unaware of the new scenes, caused an uproar at the premiere, and the film faded into obscurity.  

Farm boy Pervis (Luther “Bud” Whaney) leaves home to go to New York and become a country star.  He only has one song (about fucking a chicken) and can’t seem to get his foot in the door.  Eventually, he becomes a singing sensation, but drugs threaten to derail it all.  Fortunately for Pervis, his gal from back home, Betty Lou (Mary Jenifer Mitchell) shows up to snap some sense into him. Porn star Bobby Astyr (the only actor who appears in both the new and old footage) stars in the Milligan-lensed framing sequences as Pervis’ former manager, Snake who reminisces about Pervis during the titular toga party.  

The cast of the original film, Pelvis might’ve been upset that the newly shot material sucked, but it’s honestly just as bad as the old footage.  There’s just enough toga partying in the new scenes to justify the title, but it’s all ill-fitting to say the least.  It’s obvious this was a hatchet job as the linking material to the new and old footage is tenuous at best.  The new scenes have an OK amount of T & A, although that’s about all it has going for it.  (Comedy is not Milligan’s strong suit.)  

The old footage is often a chore to sit through.  The humor is lame, forced, or just plain unfunny.  If you laugh at pie fights, fast-motion chase scenes, and Wizard of Oz references you may enjoy it, but it’s all pretty dire for the most part.  (I did like the Iron Eyes Cody gag though.)  It doesn’t help that Pelvis’ faux-Elvis demeanor is paper-thin and can’t sustain an entire movie (or even half of one).  Heck, the movie is so bad, it can’t even manage to play out the tried-and-true rise-and-fall-of-a-popstar cliches in a coherent manner.

Milligan Motifs:  Since Milligan was only responsible for the wraparound sequences, there’s none of his typical touches here.

Milligan Stock Players:  Milligan mainstay Hal Borske appears in one of the Milligan-shot scenes.

AKA:  Pelvis.  AKA:  Disco Madness.  AKA:  All Dressed in Rubber.  

Well folks, we’ve finally reached the end of Milligan March.  (I’ve been running late posting these reviews as I took a little sabbatical from reviewing over Spring Break.)  Here is my ranking of the Milligan movies I’ve seen:  

MILLIGAN MARCH MADNESS RANKING

1. Fleshpot on 42nd Street ***

2. Nightbirds ***

3. Blood ** ½ 

4. Seeds ** ½ 

5. The Man with 2 Heads ** ½ 

6. The Body Beneath ** ½ 

7. Carnage **

8. Vapors **

9. Legacy of Blood * ½ 

10. Torture Dungeon * ½ 

11. Bloodthirsty Butchers * ½ 

12. The Ghastly Ones *

13. Guru the Mad Monk *

14. Toga Party *

15. The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here NO STARS

Next (this) month’s theme will be another crossover with the Tubi Continued… column.  It’s called Amityville April.  I’ll be trying to watch and review all the fake (and maybe a few official) Amityville movies Tubi has to offer.  See you then…

TUBI CONTINUED… BITE ME! (2004) ***

A shipment of “killer” marijuana is delivered to a struggling strip club owner.  Little does he know there’s a nest of deadly spiders lurking within the wacky weed.  Soon, the place is infested with big ass bugs.  Whenever they bite a dancer, their venom acts as sort of an ersatz Spanish Fly, turning them into complete nymphos.  

Bite Me! is one of those movies that proves The Video Vacuum Rule that any movie can be made better if you set it in a strip club.  I’m sure a flick about giant bugs could’ve worked in a shopping mall, the suburbs, or on a nuclear test site.  It just hits different when the ginormous spiders invade a strip club.  It also helps that there are some genuine laughs to be had, thanks to the fun special effects and game performances.  Sure, there may be a couple of gratuitous characters (like the annoying DEA agent who keeps popping up) and unnecessary subplots, but whenever writer/director Brett (The Screaming Dead) Piper is showcasing the big bugs and bodacious babes, it often works like gangbusters.

Misty Mundae is top-billed and gets a fun Rambo parody scene that allows her to show off her comedic chops.  Julian Wells is also a lot of fun as the sexy Mafioso who wants to shut the club down so she can buy it.  She has a great scene where she gets bit by a spider and then hops on stage and struts her stuff on the stripper pole.

However, it’s Caitlyn Ross who steals the movie as the lethargic stripper, Amber.  She gives what has to be one of the most memorable stripteases in cinema history when she falls asleep on the stripper pole in mid-performance.  Too bad she only starred in a handful of films because based on her ability to combine comedy with sultry sex appeal, she could’ve been top notch B-Movie Queen.

MILLIGAN MARCH: BLOOD (1973) ** ½

I originally reviewed Andy Milligan’s Blood back on May 15th, 2018.  Here’s my initial thoughts on the film, followed by some notes I made for Milligan March:

BLOOD  (1973)  ** ½

Blood is one of Andy Milligan’s best movies, which is telling.  It’s a slapdash, low budget horror flick set primarily in one location that features crummy effects and inconsistent acting.  Some parts are out of focus.  Others are too dark to see.  Sometimes the actors flub their lines.  Other times their dialogue doesn’t match their lip movements.  All this makes the film more enjoyable, not less.  If you’ve ever sat through Milligan’s atrocious The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, this will seem like Citizen Kane by comparison.

Lawrence Orlofsky (Allen Berendt) moves his wife Regina (Hope Stansbury) and his gaggle of assistants into his ancestral home.  Almost immediately, they begin performing experiments on bloodthirsty plants to keep Regina looking youthful and vibrant.  When Lawrence starts making eyes at a pretty secretary (Pamela Adams), it sends Regina into a jealous rage.

Milligan’s Everything but the Kitchen Sink method is admirable.  Just when you start to get restless, he’ll toss in another improbable (but amusing) plot wrinkle.  (I wouldn’t dream of revealing why Orlofsky had to change his name.)  No matter how shoddy the production looks, I can’t in good conscience dismiss a movie that features mad scientists, vampires, AND man-eating plants.

Even at a relatively scant 69 minutes, the pacing starts to sag about halfway through.  The claustrophobic location doesn’t help matters either.  That said, there’s at least one memorable moment involving a mouse that will make your jaw drop.  While most of the performers are wooden and/or stilted, Stansbury is rather charming as the vampiric lady of the house.  The ending, though brief and anticlimactic makes me wish it had been on a double feature with Al Adamson’s Dracula vs. Frankenstein instead of the crappy Legacy of Satan.

MILLIGAN MARCH NOTES:  

1) As cheesy as most of the movie is, the initial reveal of the vampire lady’s decrepit face is effective.  

2) I wasn’t particularly taken with Hope Stansbury’s work in Milligan’s The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, but she is a straight-up fox in this movie.  I know she’s high maintenance and all (you’ve got to keep her supplied with fresh blood on a daily basis), but I think she’d be worth it.  

3) The pacing is rather erratic.  There are stretches where not much happens and then when something does, it occurs so fast that it’s enough to give you whiplash, which at least keeps you on your toes.  

4) The brief, sixty-nine-minute running time certainly helps, but sometimes the editing is so frantic that I have to wonder if there wasn’t a gorier cut at some point as the film (while it still has a couple of memorable gore scenes) isn’t quite as gory as your average Milligan flick.

5) As with many of Milligan’s pictures, things begin to stall the more time that’s spent on unnecessary supporting characters.  When Milligan is focusing on sexy vampire women, werewolves, and man-eating plants, it’s good, cheesy fun.  

Milligan Motifs:  This is yet another period costume drama/horror movie Milligan made in Staten Island that uses a lot of library music as part of the score.  Like many of his films, someone inevitably gets a meat cleaver to the skull and/or has their hands hacked off.  As with The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, there’s a scene where a mouse is killed. 

Milligan Stock Players:  In addition to starring in The Rats are Coming-The Werewolves are Here, Hope Stansbury also wrote Vapors for Milligan.  

AKA:  Black Nightmare in Blood.