AGFA MYSTERY MIXTAPE #1 (2020) ** ½

The good folks at the American Genre Film Archive put together this uneven but mostly amusing mixtape that collects bits and pieces from retro television broadcasts and old horror-related videos.  The snippets come from USA Up All Night’s B- Movie Awards Show where hosts Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear hand out awards to Scream Queens like Linnea Quigley.  Also featured are the interview with Stuart Gordon, some behind the scenes footage of Bride of Re-Animator, and the profile on F/X artist Screaming Mad George that originally appeared in Gorgon Video Magazine Vol. 2.  Robert Englund, Wes Craven, Rick Baker, and Walter Koenig also appear in clips from Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors tape.  

Lesser-known bits are taken from a documentary on The Exorcist called Didn’t You Used to Be Satan?  We also get scenes from The Making of a Horror Film, a profile on producer Dick Randall made during the production of Don’t Open Till Christmas.  Randall is a real character and is a lot of fun to watch.  The scene where he watches dailies of the film and makes Mystery Science Theater 3000-style commentary on the action is pretty funny.  It all ends oddly enough with Scatman Crothers rapping about Stanley Kubrick.

Maybe I would’ve given this a higher rating if I hadn’t already been so familiar with a lot of the footage.  Because of that, there wasn’t really any sense of discovery for me.  I also wish they had culled more snippets from other sources instead of just using bits from the same four or five tapes.  In fact, you’re probably better off just watching Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors, Gorgon Video Magazine Vol. 2, or the Up All Night special in their entirety.  

That said, they do use some choice clips.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Bill Moseley give an award to The Toxic Avenger?  That alone is worth ** ½ in my book.

GEOSTORM (2017) **

While watching Geostorm, I had this feeling that it was playing like a half-assed Roland Emmerich movie.  Once the end credits rolled, my suspicions were confirmed.  Turns out, it was written and directed by Emmerich’s longtime producing partner, Dean Devlin.  He must’ve been the wrong half of the ass.  Devlin combines all the usual disaster movie cliches with a lot of Armageddon-inspired space shit.  (Right down to the final teary-eyed goodbye.)  Some of this works in small doses, but the clunky plot mechanics often get in the way of the fun.

The world is plagued by outbursts of extreme weather.  Scientist Gerard Butler saves the planet when he invents a weather satellite to maintain and correct the erratic climate shifts.  When the thing malfunctions and people wind up frozen to death in the desert, it’s up to Butler to go into outer space to fix it.

Gerard Butler vs. the Weather.  Sounds like a can’t-miss proposition.  Honestly, there are moments when you can kind of see what they were going for, and it almost-but-not-quite works.  However, the government cover-up/political intrigue/international sabotage subplots really bring the movie to a halt in the second act.  Once the weather hits the fan, it’s not quite enough to win you back from all the dull plot stuff.  I mean, who needs human villains when you have a global storm?

A few of the disaster scenes are OK.  My favorite bit was when buildings toppled into one another and crumbled like a skyscraper version of dominoes.  Devlin also delivers a nifty escape scene when Secret Service agent Abbie Cornish evacuates President Andy Garcia from an out-of-control lightning storm in Orlando.  However, many of the weather-related set pieces (cyclones in India, a hailstorm in Japan, frozen waves in Brazil) feel rushed and are ultimately unsatisfying.

Butler is fun.  Casting him as a brilliant scientist suggests that no one was really taking any of this seriously.  However, even he can’t save the picture when it gets bogged down.  The supporting cast (which includes Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris, and Zazie Beets) do what they can to stand out from the uninspired scenes of weather destruction.  Unfortunately, just about everyone involved winds up getting left out in the rain.

SHIN KAMEN RIDER (2023) ** ½

A motorcycle rider becomes infused with grasshopper DNA and transforms into a badass superhero called Masked Rider.  (How’s that for an opening sentence for a review?)  After his creator is killed by the evil organization, S.H.O.C.K.E.R., he sets out to destroy their nefarious half-human half-insect henchmen.  Eventually, Masked Rider comes face to face with an evil version of himself who must decide if he will fight for his corrupt bosses or stand alongside his twin brother.

Shin Kamen Rider belongs in the same newfangled series of reboots of Japanese classics as Shin Godzilla and Shin Ultraman.  While I didn’t think it was quite as fun as the new Ultraman flick, I did enjoy it more than the Godzilla reboot.  Like Shin Ultraman, it is essentially an entire TV series condensed into two hours.  The good news is, that means Masked Rider does battle with bug-infused “Augments” every twenty minutes or so.  The bad news is the stuff in between the action is kind of dull.  Plus, there are way too many massive exposition dumps that gum up the works (particularly in the third act).  Also, at two hours, it all feels rather bloated and overlong.  

Then again, who watches this crap for the plot?  The fight scenes are fun enough and have enough variation to keep from feeling stale.  The fight that is done in sort of a half-animation half-live action rotoscope style is especially cool.  The gore is surprisingly solid too as Masked Rider smashes a bunch of heads as if they were oversized cherry-flavored Gushers.  The villains are fun as well, with the Spider Augment (who kind of looks like a cross between Spider-Man and the Predator) and the Scorpion Woman being my two favorites.  I also dug Masked Rider’s trusty motorcycle, Cyclone, who in one scene follows dutifully behind him like a horse trailing a cowboy in an old western.  

I don’t know if they will eventually bring Shin Godzilla, Shin Ultraman, and Shin Kamen Rider together for a big Avengers-style crossover or not.  I for one, would be all for it.  Although none of the films individually knocked my socks off or anything, they all certainly had their moments.  Plus, Masked Rider is a cool enough character to suggest he’d play off the other major players rather well.  Heck, I’d even be down for just a straight sequel to this.  Provided they streamline things a bit.

AKA:  Shin Masked Rider.

A FATHER’S REVENGE (1988) *** ½

When his flight attendant daughter (Helen Patton) is kidnapped in Germany by ruthless terrorists, family man Paul (Brian Dennehy) and his wife (Joanna Cassidy) grab their passports and head on over there to see what’s being done by the authorities to insure she’ll be returned home safe and sound.  Unfortunately, both the American and German governments sit on their hands way too long, which infuriates the family.  With the clock ticking away, a reporter (Ron Silver) gets Paul in touch with a former SAS mercenary (Anthony Valentine) to get her back.  The only catch:  Paul wants to tag along on the mission.

A Father’s Revenge is a crackling good Made for TV Movie that benefits from economical storytelling, tight pacing, and strong execution from director John (2 Days in the Valley) Herzfeld.  The thing that really elevates the film from your average TV flick though are the excellent performances.  Dennehy, who never had an ungenuine moment on film in his entire career, delivers a powerhouse performance as the concerned father who eventually takes matters into his own hands.  Cassidy is his match in every way and the two have dynamite chemistry together.  Silver is also quite good as the journalist who not only wants a big scoop, but also delivers on his promises to the family.  

Since this is a TV movie, there are all the usual fade-in and fade-outs that signal the commercial breaks.  However, that’s about the only tell-tale sign this was made for television.  Overall, Herzfeld makes things look and feel rather cinematic, especially when compared to many TV Movies of the Week from the era.  While most of the action is weighted towards the end, Herzfeld keeps the tension brimming throughout and punctuates the film with a strong finale.  Couple that with Dennehy’s fine work and you have yourself a memorable drama in nearly every regard.

AKA:  Payback.

TUBI CONTINUED… SOMETHING TO SCREAM ABOUT (2003) ***

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’s Brinke Stevens hosts this hour long look at B-Movie Scream Queens.  The actresses featured are a good mix of modern-day beauties (Debbie Rochon), ladies who appeared in classics (Night of the Living Dead’s Judith O’Dea), Skinamax icons (Julie Strain), fan favorites (Felissa Rose), and unsung Scream Queens (Lilith Stabs).  Each actress talks about how they got their start in the business, experiences meeting fans at conventions, receiving fan mail, their willingness (or sometimes unwillingness) to do nudity, and their fear of aging and/or the use of cosmetic surgery.  

The overall look of the documentary is a little on the cheap side, but it remains a breezy, entertaining, and fun way to kill sixty minutes, especially if you’re a fan of Stevens, Rochon, and Strain.  I also dug the fact that they gave the floor to some lesser-known actresses like Ariauna Albright who give a little bit of insight to some of the smaller budgeted horror flicks out there.  The clip selection is rather decent too as snippets from films such as Bloodletting, the Slumber Party Massacre trilogy, Sleepaway Camp, Terror Firmer, and many Andy Sidaris movies as shown.  I highly enjoyed the compilation of Brinke screaming too.

Something to Scream About kind of loses points when writer/director Jason Paul Collum tries to get serious.  Things threaten to go off the rails near the end when he tries to find a link between horror movies and real-life violence (which is complete hogwash).  It works much better when he keeps things light.  Still, it is sad to hear the late Strain talking so bluntly about her disillusionment with the industry.  Then again, when you’re one of the hardest working women in the business, I can see how easy it would be to get burned out and feel used by the Hollywood system.  

Collum later made the similarly themed Screaming in High Heels.

TUBI CONTINUED… TEENAGE GANG DEBS (1966) ****

I’ve been wanting to see this ever since I bought the Something Weird Greatest Hits CD as two of the best songs from the collection “Don’t Make Me Mad” and “Black Belt” come from this movie.  (The score itself is equally fine.)  Boy, this didn’t disappoint.  It’s one of the best Juvenile Delinquent flicks ever made.  

Terry (Diane Conti) is the new bad girl in town who immediately makes a play for Johnny (John Battis), the leader of a gang called The Rebels.  First thing she’s got to do is go toe to toe with Johnny’s gal, with the winner of the catfight getting the privilege of being his plaything.  When Terry balks at having Johnny’s initials carved into her chest, she seduces his second in command, Nino and goads him into starting a knife fight with her man.  After Nino (Joey Naudic) kills Johnny and assumes control of the gang, Terry slowly begins manipulating him into doing her bidding.  

Made well after the initial Juvenile Delinquent movie craze of the ‘50s and just on the cusp of the avalanche of biker flicks in the ‘60s, Teenage Gang Debs is a bit meaner than what came before and yet stops short of showing the more exploitative elements of what would follow.  It has some great black and white cinematography, and the excellent handheld camerawork puts you in the thick of the action during the various catfights, switchblade duels, and gang rumbles.  The same goes for the dance sequences as the camera is so close to the actresses that you feel like you’re right in there shaking a tailfeather with the teenage gang debs themselves.  

One touch I found hilarious:  Even though he’s supposed to be a tough gang leader, Johnny wears a dress shirt and buttoned-up cardigan.  How are we supposed to take him seriously when he dresses like Mr. Rogers?

After hearing the songs so many times on the Something Weird CD, it was a real treat to finally hear them in their proper context within the film.  “Don’t Make Me Mad” really got those delinquent gals moving and grooving on the dancefloor but it's the “Black Belt” number that really brings the house down.  Not only is the song a straight-up banger, but the choreography that goes along with it is spectacular (the dancers punch and kick in time with the music like Kung Fu fighters), which results in a peak cinematic experience.  

The thing that really ties everything together is the electrifying performance from Conti.  She makes Terry a character you truly love to hate.  She’s tough-talking, cold, and calculating, and it’s a blast seeing her chew men up and spit them out.  

The ending is something else too.  It’s possibly the only ending I’ve seen that reminded me of both Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill! and Freaks.  If that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

AKA:  Leather Jacket Jungle.

TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE SHARK (2023) NO STARS

Cocaine Shark is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.  In fact, it barely qualifies as a movie.  It feels like you’re watching half a movie and another half of a movie, but with no real coherent link between the two.

I have a feeling the filmmakers were in the middle of making a movie about a crab shark and halfway through production, they saw the trailer for Cocaine Bear and decided they wanted to make a shark-themed rip-off.  The problem is, they wanted to strike when the iron was hot, and rather than just making a brand-new movie about… you know… a cocaine shark, they gave us a slightly retooled version of the crab shark movie that also features a subplot about a new drug that gives its users hallucinations of sharks.  

I’ve heard of chasing the dragon, but these bozos swim with the sharks.

Anyway, we’ve got this crab shark plot (the monster looks like a hermit crab with the head of a hammerhead shark) mixed with this undercover cop subplot where he takes the drug and maybe/kinda/sorta turns into a shark man whenever he’s tripping balls.  (The shark man costume makes the Land Shark from Saturday Night Live look like some real Rick Baker shit.)  This all might’ve been OK, but the whole thing is so incoherently edited and indifferently slapped together that you have no idea what’s going on half the time.  

For instance, the cop has a beard in the beginning of the movie.  Then, he’s clean shaven in the middle act.  Lo and behold, the beard reappears again at the end.  He also relates flashbacks from a hospital bed that tries to make sense of all the glaring continuity errors and explain the unexplainable occurrences (like why the henchman’s face is randomly melting off).  

It's like trying to put together a hundred-piece puzzle comprised of sixty-four pieces that came from three entirely different puzzles.  

Let’s face it.  The very IDEA of a Cocaine Shark is awesome.  However, what the Hell can you make of a movie called Cocaine Shark that doesn’t even have a Cocaine Shark in it?  Instead, we’re left with a crab shark and a half-assed were-shark.  Jesus Christ, man.  Maybe watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days wasn’t such a hot idea after all.