TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE SHARK (2023) NO STARS

Cocaine Shark is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.  In fact, it barely qualifies as a movie.  It feels like you’re watching half a movie and another half of a movie, but with no real coherent link between the two.

I have a feeling the filmmakers were in the middle of making a movie about a crab shark and halfway through production, they saw the trailer for Cocaine Bear and decided they wanted to make a shark-themed rip-off.  The problem is, they wanted to strike when the iron was hot, and rather than just making a brand-new movie about… you know… a cocaine shark, they gave us a slightly retooled version of the crab shark movie that also features a subplot about a new drug that gives its users hallucinations of sharks.  

I’ve heard of chasing the dragon, but these bozos swim with the sharks.

Anyway, we’ve got this crab shark plot (the monster looks like a hermit crab with the head of a hammerhead shark) mixed with this undercover cop subplot where he takes the drug and maybe/kinda/sorta turns into a shark man whenever he’s tripping balls.  (The shark man costume makes the Land Shark from Saturday Night Live look like some real Rick Baker shit.)  This all might’ve been OK, but the whole thing is so incoherently edited and indifferently slapped together that you have no idea what’s going on half the time.  

For instance, the cop has a beard in the beginning of the movie.  Then, he’s clean shaven in the middle act.  Lo and behold, the beard reappears again at the end.  He also relates flashbacks from a hospital bed that tries to make sense of all the glaring continuity errors and explain the unexplainable occurrences (like why the henchman’s face is randomly melting off).  

It's like trying to put together a hundred-piece puzzle comprised of sixty-four pieces that came from three entirely different puzzles.  

Let’s face it.  The very IDEA of a Cocaine Shark is awesome.  However, what the Hell can you make of a movie called Cocaine Shark that doesn’t even have a Cocaine Shark in it?  Instead, we’re left with a crab shark and a half-assed were-shark.  Jesus Christ, man.  Maybe watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days wasn’t such a hot idea after all.