GODZILLA MINUS ONE (2023) ****

Seventy years of Godzilla movies and we finally have a first for the franchise.  It’s the only entry to ever make me choke up.  I totally wasn’t expecting that. I was completely unprepared for it.  Somehow… someway... Godzilla Minus One got to me. 

It's not for a lack of trying either.  Writer/director Takashi (Returner) Yamazaki puts you through the wringer emotionally.  This is simultaneously one of the bleakest and yet hopeful movies I’ve seen in a long time.  I know you aren’t supposed to care about the characters in these things, or if you do, it’s because they are given more to do than just your average broad strokes cliches.  This is a harrowing post-war survival movie about not only what it takes to survive during a tragedy, but afterwards as well.  

Oh, and of course, Godzilla kicks lots of ass too.  I guess I should’ve mentioned that sooner.  This is one a helluva Godzilla flick.  In my opinion, it’s the best one yet.

Minus One is also refreshing because as the title suggests, it’s a prequel.  A WWII period piece starring Godzilla, is frankly a stroke of genius.  I hope we’re somehow able to get more of these in different time periods.  Can you imagine if Toho takes inspiration from Prey and makes a Wild West Godzilla flick? 

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  It’s a lot of fun seeing the G-Man doing battle against old school battleships and planes.  Hell, I actually cheered when the army brought out the rinky-dink WWII-era tanks against him.  Those fuckers didn’t stand a chance.

Godzilla has always been used as a metaphor for wartime destruction.  The ingenious thing about Minus One is that he’s also used as a stand-in for PTSD.  Whenever he rears his head, our hero Shikishima (Ryunosuke Kamiki) is reminded of the War, and not only the War, but his first encounter with Godzilla.  Not only is he shellshocked, but he’s plagued by guilt too.  You see, he had a chance to kill the monster when it was smaller, and he failed miserably.  Now, it’s huge and strutting through the city.  The characters are even a metaphor for Japan itself.  The scenes of our Shikishima and his makeshift family rebuilding after the A-Bomb attack not only show their resiliency but symbolize the country trying to bounce back after the War. 

So far, I’ve used words like “metaphors” and “symbolize” to describe the flick, but down deep it’s still a Godzilla movie.  Because it’s a prequel, it’s on a bit smaller scale.  Although we only get one scene of the G-Man rampaging through a city, it’s a damned good one, and even contains a great call forward of the iconic train scene in the original.  When the Godzilla theme kicked in for the first time, I have to tell you:  Goosebumps City:  Population:  Me. 

I also dug Godzilla’s look.  He’s sort of thicc, similar to how he’s portrayed in his Hollywood “Monarch” version, but with a distinctly traditional Godzilla maw.  The coolest aspect is how he powers up his atomic breath, as his spine plates light up and pop out as he gears up to spew.  It’s badass. 

The most novel touch is making a Godzilla movie with characters you root for and who are all three-dimensional.  Even the supporting characters have flaws and legitimate character arcs.  They should’ve been doing this years ago.  Okay, so maybe if that was true, we wouldn’t have Jet Jaguar flying around, Godzilla dancing, or Minilla blowing smoke rings, but you catch my drift.  It’s just that a Godzilla with actual stakes involved hits different.  

If you want a harrowing war movie, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you want an excellent monster masher, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you’re a Godzilla fan, this is truly something to roar about. 

AKA:  Gojira -1.0.  AKA:  G Minus One.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: GHOST OF CAMP BLOOD (2018) * ½

Despite the fact there is a Camp Blood 8, Ghost of Camp Blood was actually released after It Kills:  Camp Blood 7.  That would make this the ninth Camp Blood movie as there are apparently two Part 3s.  The whacked-out numbering system is one of the things I find so fascinating about this series.  Okay, so it might be the ONLY thing I find fascinating about this series.

Mark Polonia is back behind the camera for this one.  It picks up right where Part 7 left off with a Friday the 13th 3D-style opening that shows the climax of the preceding film where the killer is presumably killed, but then just shuffles offscreen with apparently only minor injuries.  Then, the plot begins.  A washed-up reality show host has one last chance at a hit.  To boost ratings, he decides to make his next show about the Camp Blood killer.  A trio of amateur ghost hunters tag along to Camp Blood, hoping to become part of the crew.  Eventually, the spirit of the Camp Blood killer possesses the host, and he takes after the new recruits with a big ass machete. 

The padding is out of control this time out.  There may not be as much padding as the Dustin Ferguson directed entries, but it’s jam-packed with scenes from Part 7.  Such scenes include a montage of the psycho’s best kills and a scene where some characters sit around and talk about their favorite Camp Blood murder (which gives Polonia another opportunity to show the same footage all over again).  There are also many repeated sequences (including one of a naked woman, which admittedly is okay with me).  Also, some of the dialogue scenes seem like they’re played in .75x speed in an effort to slow the picture down to get it up to feature length.  Characters speak slower and move slower than normal during these scenes, and it gets annoying awfully fast.  The fact that there’s more T & A than usual helps somewhat. 

The scenes where the killer speaks are really goofy too.  There’s a reason why psychos remain silent in these things.  The performances are pretty weak as well.  Overall, Ghost of Camp Blood is definitely a step down from the other Polonia directed sequels in the franchise. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: IT KILLS: CAMP BLOOD 7 (2017) **

More campers get stranded in the woods and come face to face with a killer in a clown mask.  And… well… that’s about it for the plot.  No one set out to reinvent the wheel this time out, which is good news or bad news, depending on how you look at it.  On one hand, it’s a solid, yet unspectacular slasher.  On the other, you can say that about a hundred or so other movies on Tubi.

It Kills finds veteran Z-grade director Mark (Cocaine Shark) Polonia returning to the Camp Blood fold.  Sure, it’s not quite as good as his Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, but at least it feels like an actual movie, which is more than I can say for the Dustin Ferguson directed entries in the franchise.  While I can’t say it’s effective, I think it's nice that Polonia wears his influences on his sleeve so brazenly as there are many touches straight out of the Friday the 13th franchise.  One character is in a wheelchair like in Part 2, there’s a hiker who is searching the woods for a missing relative (shades of Part 4), the road flare death is a direct homage to Part 5, and the finale owes a major debt to Part 4.  The music sounds quite similar to John Carpenter’s Halloween score as well. 

The bulk of the kills this time out are rather interchangeable and unmemorable. There are lots of machetes to the stomachs and hands getting cut off in this one.  The gore is weak too.  The guts in one scene look like they could be used to create a balloon animal, which is good for an unintentional laugh.  At least the cast has a little more personality this time around, which is appreciated, especially considering the rest of the picture is by the numbers for the most part. 

AKA:  It Kills.  AKA:  Camp Blood 7:  It Kills. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 666 (2016) **

The first thing you notice about Camp Blood 666 is that it starts off with brand new footage.  Surprisingly enough, it’s a decent enough scene in which a Satanic cult holds a black mass to resurrect the Camp Blood killer.  Upon hearing her brother has joined the devil cult, the concerned Betsy (Shoshanna Green) heads off into the woods to find him. 

Another thing of note about 666 is that it has actual stars this time out.  And by “actual stars” I mean George Stover and Tina Krause (although unfortunately her scene was cut out of the Tubi version).  That’s certainly an upgrade from the casts of the last two entries if you ask me. 

The scenes of our heroine playing Nancy Drew and trying to find her brother aren’t exactly involving, but at least they are scenes from THIS movie and not scenes from another entry in the series.  Sure, there’s still some padding here (like the weird scene where a character watches a vintage public access kids show where a little kid gets his face painted), and there’s still plenty of overlong shots of people walking aimlessly.  Yet, despite this, Camp Blood 666 remains watchable, even if it never really comes close to being… you know… good. 

Sadly, most of the kills just involve the Camp Blood killer stabbing people in various body parts with his trusty machete.  However, we do get a scene where he cuts a guy’s foot off and shoves it down his throat.  I can’t say I’ve seen that in a movie before, so… respect. 

The acting is a bit stilted, but amusingly so.  Alyson Rodriguez Orenstein is particularly fun as a talkative goth chick.  The sound is bad in some places though, and the music drowns out the dialogue in other scenes.  While I can’t even come close to recommending this one, it feels like Citizen Kane compared to the last two entries. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 5 (2016) ½ *

Dustin Ferguson returns to the director’s chair for this immediate sequel.  The padding this time out includes footage from Camp Blood 4, negative vision nightmare scenes, a lengthy sequence of a character shopping for a Halloween costume, long shots of people walking, a scene where characters sit on a couch and watch scenes from the anthology horror movie Things, characters watching long shots of people walking from the anthology horror movie Things, and long scenes of people walking in flashbacks to Camp Blood 4, 

Oh, and occasionally a guy in a clown mask will kill some campers in the woods.  Eventually, the lone survivor of the massacre in Part 4 decides to get revenge. 

In part 4, the plot didn’t start till the running time was halfway over.  In this one, the plot doesn’t start till the last ten minutes.  That’s right folks, this movie has even less movie in it than the last movie.  It’s like Ferguson made an hour-long movie and decided to split it in half and pad it out with scenes from other movies in order to get two hour-long movies.  It doesn’t help that the old scenes are even more tiresome this time around or that the new footage is severely underwhelming (especially the rushed and unsatisfying climax). 

The thing is, even if Parts 4 and 5 had been edited together as one hour-long movie, it STILL would’ve sucked.  Not half-star sucked, but at least one-star sucked.  Stretching the already weak premise out over two films and packing it to the gills with filler doesn’t really help anyone.  In fact, the long gratuitous sequences of people watching Things will probably just make you wish you were watching Things than wasting your time on this mess.  I mean, Things was no prize, but it seems like Oscar-worthy shit compared to Camp Bloods 4 and 5.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 4 (2016) ½ *

Dustin (Cocaine Cougar) Ferguson takes the reins from Mark Polonia for the fourth (or fifth, depending on if you count Within the Woods) entry in the Camp Blood franchise.  In pure Ferguson fashion, he pads out the film with flashback scenes from Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, a long opening credits sequence, gratuitous newsbreak footage, pointless walking scenes, gratuitous montages, dance sequences, irritating slow motion scenes, and multiple scenes of women applying their makeup.  In fact, this might be the first movie in history that doesn’t start till its halfway over. 

I never thought anyone could make me wistful for the cinematic prowess of Mark Polonia, but I guess Dustin Ferguson is that kind of guy. 

A group of friends on their way to a rock concert stop off at Camp Blood for a little R and R.  They instead wind up getting S and S.  (Stalked and Slashed.)

The flashbacks to Camp Blood:  First Slaughter take up roughly half the running time.  This might not have been a bad thing if I had never seen First Slaughter, but since I basically watched these two flicks back-to-back, it became repetitious and irritating in a hurry.  It also just goes to show how much better Polonia was at staging the murder scenes than Ferguson.  It’s especially obvious when you can compare the two almost simultaneously within the same flick.  Ferguson also gives us a lot of nighttime scenes that are hard to see, which also amps up the irritation factor.  

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it ends with an annoying cliffhanger for Part 5.  I mean, when you sit through a bad movie (or two halves of two bad movies as is the case here), you expect at least some kind of resolution.  Oh well, at least I didn’t have to wait long to find out what happened as I watched Part 5 soon after… 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD: FIRST SLAUGHTER (2014) **

I figured I would round out the Tubi-Ween Hangover column by giving the Camp Blood movies a whirl.  The first two aren’t on Tubi, so I started with the third one.  The Camp Blood series is unique in that the numbering is all screwed up.  This is actually the second Part 3 in the series as it supposedly retcons the original Part 3, Within the Woods, which is also absent from the streaming service.  (There’s also apparently two Part 6’s, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.)  This entry was written and directed by Mark Polonia, no stranger to the Tubi Continued… column, so you might already know what to expect. 

A killer in a clown mask is beheaded by a psycho in a red mask who sets about murdering campers unfortunate enough to be camping at Camp Blood.  Meanwhile, a group of college students head into the woods to debunk the urban legend of the clown killer and are promptly slaughtered.  Once their footage from their fateful trip is found, it is shown to the masses on television. 

The stalking scenes are a serviceable imitation of the standard set down by John Carpenter all those years ago in Halloween.  The film does have one neat concept that I’m surprised hasn’t been tried in the genre before.  The killer tapes a camera to his head so that all his POV shots look like actual POV shots from a horror movie.  That at the very least breaks up the monotony of the typical handheld Found Footage camerawork. 

Fortunately, the Found Footage stuff only takes up about half the film, and since it’s edited together from different sources it almost sort of feels cinematic.  The practical gore effects are surprisingly strong too.  We get decapitations, a machete to the face, a machete to the throat, a machete to the back, and a machete to the head.  There’s also an axe to the chest, too.  It’s just a shame that the CGI touch-ups and blood splatters look so shoddy.  The gore doesn’t quite save Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, but it does make it more tolerable than countless similar slashers out there. 

AKA:  Camp Blood 3.  AKA:  Camp Blood III 3-D.