TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN X: THE MOVIE: HERE HE COMES! OUR ULTRAMAN (2016) **

Maybe I got spoiled by watching a couple of solid Ultraman movies before this one, but Ultraman X:  The Movie:  Here He Comes!  Our Ultraman just didn’t measure up.  Nothing about it is out and out bad, but it lacks the punch of the last few entries.  Those flicks at least had the benefit of snappy pacing and non-stop monster mashing.  This one just feels padded (especially the opening) and the stuff that occurs in between the kaiju battles is disposable and forgettable.  It also doesn’t help that the human hero gets separated from his “X” transformation cube (it looks like an iPhone in a bulky case), which means he can’t turn into Ultraman for a good chunk of the movie. 

Things kick off with a recap of the Ultraman X TV show, which plays like a greatest hits compilation on fast forward.  Then the plot begins.  An asshole archeologist removes a sacred stone from a mountain, awakening a giant monster.  It’s then up to Ultraman to stop it.

There’s some really silly shit here, and that’s coming from the guy who defended the use of a flute sword in Ultra Fight Victory.  In one scene, a jet shoots cotton candy at the monsters.  I’m sorry, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.  That’s some Paw Patrol level shit, if you ask me. 

There’s also a comic relief alien doctor who helps the humans.  I joked in my Ultraman Ginga S review that the villain was collecting Ultramen like Pokémon cards, but this guy actually turns the data he collects on other Ultramen into actual trading cards!

Things perk up a tad during the finale when the original Ultraman shows up to aid in the fight.  However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s lame having a little kid controlling Ultraman Tiga.  Also, the arrival of the other Ultramen at the eleventh hour doesn’t give them a whole lot to do besides hastily fight a monster or two. They deserved more than extended cameos.

AKA:  Ultraman X:  Here He Comes!  Our Ultraman.  AKA:  Ultraman X:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman X:  The Movie:  Here Comes!  Our Ultraman.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRA FIGHT VICTORY (2015) ***

Ultraman Victory is just minding his business when he falls into a sinkhole and is attacked by a monster.  Another baddie shows up and steals Victory’s girlfriend’s necklace, which can give him supreme power.  The villain has also imprisoned Ultraman Ginga, which raises the stakes considerably.  Lucky for Victory, Ultraman Hikari gives him a magic flute that turns into a sword to aid him in his quest to stop the monster from awakening the evil emperor of the galaxy. 

Ultra Fight Victory is essentially three episodes of an Ultraman YouTube series edited together.  As such, the effects are a little chintzier compared to the other films made around the same time.  Most of the time, it’s just a bunch of people standing in front of an obvious green screen.  (It also looks like they reused footage from Ultraman Ginga S the Movie for the scenes where the Ultramen combine their powers.)  Despite being a smaller budgeted affair, it still manages to pack a lot of Ultraman brawls and monster fights into a short amount of time.  (It’s only thirty-eight minutes long.)  Some of the dialogue is priceless too.  My favorite line came when the villain sent his minions into battle by saying, “Go, terrible monsters!”

It helps that Ultraman Victory is a pretty cool customer.  He has a great power where he can change out his hand for limbs of monsters he’s previously defeated.  The fact that the objects he uses to summon his powers look suspiciously like Ultraman action figures makes it even funnier.  Even though he’s playing with toys most of the time, these toys are certainly more badass than the flute sword weapon, that’s for sure.  But heck, who am I kidding?  I even find the silly/stupid/cheesy shit like that in these movies endearing.  Besides, they’ve got to put something in there to appease the marching band fanbase.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN GINGA S THE MOVIE: SHOWDOWN! THE 10 ULTRA WARRIORS (2015) ***

An evil alien is going around the galaxy defeating Ultramen and collecting them like Pokémon cards.  He brainwashes a beautiful princess, who has the power of using mirrors as prisons, into thinking the Ultramen are her sworn enemies.  The only two Ultraman left on their checklist are Ultraman Victory and Ultraman Ginga.  Eventually, Ultraman Zero joins the fight and together, they try to break the spell the villain holds over the princess.  

Since ‘tis the season, I thought about doing a brief run of Christmas movies for this column.  Instead, I just settled on picking one or two here and there.  Much to my surprise, Ultraman Ginga S the Movie:  Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Warriors is a Christmas movie, so I get to kill two birds with one stone.  (Well, it starts with a Christmas party that’s interrupted by an alien invasion, at least.)

The film clocks in at just over an hour long, so the Kung Fu battles, kaiju collisions, and monster mashing comes at a fast and furious rate.  Little time is spent on plot, and we only receive the barest wisps of exposition, which is appreciated in something like this.  In fact, I admired the movie’s brevity and its ability to compact the maximum amount of plot information with the minimum amount of storytelling. 

Plus, it’s just plain fun.  The finale where the imprisoned Ultramen are freed and must fight a gauntlet of their previous foes is a neat way to combine good old-fashioned men in rubber suit fights with shameless fan service.  The subplot where Ginga and Victory become handcuffed together in order to learn how to work as a team is pretty funny too.  We also get an amusing sequence where the villain turns the human heroes’ worst fears against them, which finds them being attacked by zombies, bugs, and uh… giant tomatoes?!?  I’m not sure if this was supposed to be a tip of the hat to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but it sure was hilarious. 

AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S:  Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Warriors.  AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S Movie Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Brothers!  

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN SAGA (2012) ** ½

A while back, I was in the midst of a marathon of Ultraman movies.  I eventually had to take a break, mostly because I didn’t want to get too much of a good thing.  After seeing Godzilla Minus One, I got a hankering for more Japanese kaiju cinema, so I figured I’d try to watch the rest of the Ultraman flicks before the end of the year and the Tubi Continued… column came to an end. 

In the future, the only inhabitants of Earth are a group of hot chicks known as “Team U” who ride around on low-budget Transformers scrounging the deserted cities for supplies.  It turns out the evil Zetton was responsible for decimating the population and is looking to finish the job.  It’s then up to Ultraman Zero and Ultraman Cosmos to resurrect the fallen Ultraman Dyna to stop Zetton and save the planet. 

Some of the CGI is a little wonky, but the rubber suit monsters are charming.  The early fight scenes are fun, especially the moments when Ultraman is tossing monsters around and around like an Olympic shot-put thrower.  The finale is a tad disappointing though as there’s little variation on the fight scenes.  (There’s three Ultramen instead of two and the villain is a humanoid instead of a giant bug.)  The climax is fine, I suppose, but the film really needed something with a little more bombast to make for a thrilling conclusion. 

The humor is a bit hit and miss, but I did like the scene where Zero and his human host are feuding, which causes them to not synch properly, resulting in a pint-sized Ultraman.  I also dug the backstory of Zero’s host blaming Ultraman for not saving his parents, which is why he refuses to fight.  Little touches like that kept the usual formula from feeling stale, although the flick never quite goes into fourth gear.  All and all, Ultraman Saga is a solid, if unspectacular effort. 

TUBI CONTINUED… SANTA’S GOT STYLE (2022) **

Sometimes, if you highlight a movie on Tubi it will autoplay a scene if you leave the cursor on it for too long.  Usually, you just go about your business and move right along looking for a movie to watch.  Sometimes, the scene is so bonkers you just have to watch it in disbelief.  Sometimes, you even find yourself watching the film itself, even if it’s not something you’d ordinarily would want to see.  Such was the case with Santa’s Got Style. 

The scene selection in question features a handsome male model in a Santa beard, coiffed white hair, and designer suit walking into a department store in slow motion accompanied by a terrible rap song.  As he walks through the aisles, women stop dead in their tracks and salivate at the sight of him.  This scene alone was so funny that I decided I had to watch it in its proper context.  I mean, I’m a sucker for a stupid Christmas movie, especially this time of year.  Sad to say, the rest of the flick didn’t live up to this silly, but admittedly genuinely funny moment.  That said, it’s still far from the worst low budget Christmas movie you could waste your time on this holiday season. 

Kathryn (Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees) Davis stars as Madison, the head of a department store who gets the missive from her superiors to create a new, hip, handsome “Stylin’ Santa” for their Christmas publicity campaign.  She reaches out to her friend Ethan (Well Suited for Christmas’ Franco Lo Presti), a former male model who runs a modeling agency, to find a handsome, stylish, Santa Claus.  When he can’t find any guys to fit the bill, he decides, as a joke, to put on a beard and show up anonymously as “Stylin’ Santa”.  Predictably, Madison loves the idea and wants him to head the campaign.  Since she has no idea it’s him, Ethan gives her a fake name and soon, he wows the ladies into coming into the store and maxing out their credit cards. 

Predictably, Ethan has the hots for Madison, but is afraid to tell her for fear of ruining their friendship.  Predictably, Madison falls in love with “Stylin’ Santa”, unaware it’s her friend behind the beard.  Predictably… ah hell you can figure it out for yourself. 

Most of this is lame and obvious.  (Yes, there’s a scene where Ethan and “Stylin’ Santa” have to be at the same function at the same time.) The big exception is the aforementioned slow-motion scene of “Stylin’ Santa” making all the ladies hot and bothered.  (Tubi really knew what scene to showcase for their autoplay menu.)  There’s a certain charm and a level of basic competence here, and I’m sure that alone will win over fans of low-budget sub-Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.  It definitely won’t win over any new fans to the genre, but it’s just silly enough to make for amiable background noise while you’re wrapping presents or entertaining guests at Christmastime. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXE TO GRIND (2015) ***

Debbie Rochon stars as aging Scream Queen who snaps when her director (and former lover) passes her over for a younger actress.  She then follows a bunch of promising starlets to the location of his latest film, a rundown mental hospital, and crashes the set.  Jealous that this new crop of actresses are stealing her limelight, she sets out to chop up the competition one by one with an axe. 

Usually, I hate it in movies when new characters are introduced accompanied with little tongue-in-cheek title cards, but the practice is done in a rather amusing fashion in Axe to Grind.  Not only are the B-movie actresses given little nicknames when they appear for the first time, we also get to see their prior film credits splashed onto the screen.  Many of these titles are good for a chuckle too.  (The titles include “Double D Terror”, “God Save the Scream Queen”, and “I Defecate on Your Grave”.)  In fact, I’d pay good money to see Debbie and some of her fellow co-stars in feature-length versions of those flicks.

Nobody plays sexy psychos like Debbie Rochon.  Although the premise is derivate, it’s a solid foundation for a Rochon vehicle.  The major draw here is seeing Debbie getting another chance to do what she does best, namely looking hot and hacking people up.  While Axe to Grind might not be up there with the lofty heights of her incredible performance in American Nightmare, she’s still a lot of fun to watch. 

It’s not all good news.  The pacing doesn’t exactly work like clockwork.  The subplot of the dim-witted hospital janitor assisting Debbie in cleaning up after her kills wasn’t really necessary, and the back-and-forth flashback structure kind of takes away from the immediacy of the situation.  However, whenever Debbie is front and center flipping her shit and swinging her axe (which is often), Axe to Grind is tons of fun. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXED TO PIECES (2020) ***

I know I’ve given Dustin Ferguson’s movies a lot of shit throughout this column, but every so often he squeaks out a winner.  As someone who’s sat through a bunch of bad Ferguson pictures, it pleases me to report Axed to Pieces is a lot of fun.  Ferguson nicely captures the look and feel of an old ‘80s shot-on-video horror flick.  From the scratchy video camera cinematography to the vintage outfits and hairstyles to the synthesized music, you’ll swear you’re watching a lost relic of the ‘80s and not a cheap movie made just a few years ago.  Sure, the modern phones are the obvious giveaway that it’s a newer film, but overall, this is about as close as you can get to the real thing without hopping into a time machine. 

A random lumberjack picks up an axe in the woods and becomes possessed by an evil spirit that commands him to kill.  He finds a chick aerobicizing in the woods and hacks her up.  Soon, more victims follow.  Finally, a guy whose mother was a victim of the axe murderer decides to go out into the woods to get revenge. 

Despite the archaic trappings of the film, the modern touches are equally fun.  This movie features a scene I’ve been waiting to see in a horror flick for a long time:  A moron walking aimlessly around is too busy playing Pokemon Go to realize a killer is standing right in front of him.  This flick isn’t perfect by any means, but it's worth watching just for this awesome sequence. 

Since this is a Dustin Ferguson movie, you just know there’s gonna be a lot of padding.  The biggest problem with the film is that many of the scenes of potential victims walking around the woods go on far too long.  Then again, if they didn’t, it would be thirty-five minutes long instead of fifty-two.  Still, as Ferguson joints go, Axed to Pieces is one of his best.