TUBI CONTINUED… FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998) ***

Originally, I was going to try to do a Twelve Days of Christmas type of thing for the Tubi Continued… column, but since I was running behind, I instead just started watching as many short movies as possible in order to finish watching 365 movies in 365 days.  Despite that, I was still able to work in a few Xmas movies like Axemas, Santa’s Got Style, and this surprisingly fun Christmas-themed sequel. 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, extraterrestrial feeders are stirring and kill a woman wearing an ugly blouse.  Mark Polonia is the star, his upper lip filled with thick hair, and he sees crappy looking UFOs flying through the air.  When all of a sudden, there arose such a clatter. The audience gasps when they see what was the matter:   To what to their wondering eyes did appear, but the miniature monsters attacking Santa Claus and his reindeer!

I was flat-out shocked how much I enjoyed this, especially seeing how bad the original was.  It’s still no classic or anything, so let’s get the bad news out of the way first.  The kills this time around are pretty weak and mostly just involve victims spitting up blood.  The feeders themselves look better (sorta) but lack the charm of the monsters in the first flick.  It’s also padded with flashbacks to Part 1, scenes of kids watching cartoons, and women wrapping presents.  There are also long chunks of middling material in between the highlights. 

That said, there are two sequences that will be burned into my memory for years to come.  The first comes when the feeders attack Santa Claus while he’s flying his sleigh.  And no, I don’t mean a guy dressed as Santa Claus.  I mean the real McCoy.  Jolly Saint Nick himself (and his elf RIP).  This scene taken on its own terms (even if it doesn’t exactly take the fullest advantage of the idea) is worth an extra Half-Star. 

The second scene comes when Santa takes his revenge on the aliens.  If you ever wanted to see Kris Kringle go Charles Bronson on a bunch of clay puppets, Feeders 2:  Slay Bells has you covered.  This scene, like the sleigh attack is worth an extra Half-Star.  I can’t say it will replace Santa Claus Conquers the Martians as the definitive Santa vs. Aliens movie, but it does have some big laughs waiting for you under the tree. 

TUBI CONTINUED… FEEDERS (1996) * ½

Feeders is an early Polonia Brothers effort.  They’ve made some bad ones in their time, but boy, is this one ever rough.  They made it before they perfected their craft (“perfected” is totally not the right word… but… oh well…) and there are some moments that are spectacularly inept.  That might sound like pure gold to Bad Movie aficionados (and, admittedly, the flick has its moments), but it’s rather painful at times.

Aliens land in a small town and run around the forest.  Derek (co-director Jon McBride) and Bennett (co-director John Polonia) are two friends on a road trip who go camping in the nearby woods.  Eventually, they come face to face with the hungry aliens. 

I am usually halfway forgiving about things like budgetary limitations when I review Shot-on-Video horror flicks, but… man.  This one was rough.  Sure, it was shot on video, but so was your cousin’s piano recital in 1989, and I don’t think I’d want to watch that.  The special effects for the UFO look like something out of a Commodore 64 game, and the rubbery aliens are good for a laugh.  The negative vision POV shots of them scurrying around get old real fast though. 

I thought this was going to be the Tubi movie that finally made me crack mentally.  Fortunately, things improved once the little critters started burrowing their hungry maws into unsuspecting people.  The gore in these scenes is okay, and the greenscreen severed head is particularly hilarious.  That still doesn’t excuse all the long dull walking scenes and the score that will put you to sleep.  The best special effect though is the use of the Polonia twins, John and Mark playing the hero and his evil double. 

Co-director (that’s right it took three people to cobble this mess together) McBride was also responsible for the much better SOV efforts, Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre. 

TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER ZERO-ONE: REAL X TIME (2020) **

An AI intelligence with a severe God complex wants to destroy the world in no less than sixty minutes.  The only people who will be spared are his faithful, creepy, cult-like servants.  Naturally, the only one who stands in his way is Kamen Rider Zero-One.  When he gets sidelined by the baddie, other Kamen Riders step up to lend him a hand. 

Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time has a solid gimmick of taking place in real time.  Even though it’s only eighty minutes long, it makes clever use of flashbacks and/or showing events that are happening concurrently to open the narrative up just a bit.  The filmmakers even use a little timer at the bottom of the screen during some scenes to keep things honest, a touch I appreciated.  (It also helps to let you know just how much time is left in the movie, so you don’t have to keep on hitting the “Display” button.)

That said, like Kamen Rider:  Heisei Generations Forever, it has way too many characters and too much cutting back and forth between them.  It starts off in fine fashion with a neat opening sequence, but it quickly gets bogged down afterwards even with a semi-streamlined plot.  At least there’s more motorcycle action this time around, including a fun chase scene that is done in one long take.  

Another goofy touch is that all the Kamen Riders’ weapons and shit look like cheap toys.  (I guess they were taking a page from the Ultraman playbook.)  While it’s not exactly great, it still has a few random weird asides (like the guy with literal abs of steel) to keep you sort of invested.  Fans will surely eat it up, but honestly, Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time needed a bit more up its sleeve to be worthwhile for non-Kamen Rider enthusiasts. 

AKA:  Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real Time.  AKA:  Kamen Rider:  Zero-One:  The Movie:  Real x Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER: HESEI GENERATIONS FOREVER (2018) * ½

After watching a shitload of Ultraman movies, I decided to keep the Tokusatsu train going by watching some Kamen Rider movies.  I have to admit before starting this review that I’m not well-versed in Kamen Rider lore.  I’ve enjoyed episodes of the original series and dug the new Shin Kamen Rider, but I haven’t seen any of the more recent shows.  That probably explains why I was so goddamned confused watching this. 

A green cyclone brings a little boy to Earth.  He is pursued by an evil “Time Jacker” and it’s up to various Kamen Riders to save him.  The problem is, after they’ve been on Earth too long, they develop amnesia and forget they’re really grasshopper-powered motorcycle-riding superheroes.  The Kamen Riders must regain their memories and eventually team up to take the bad guy down. 

Imagine if you tried to watch Spider-Man:  No Way Home and you were only familiar with the ‘60s cartoon show, and that might give you an idea of how I felt watching this.  I mean, No Way Home at least tries to set everything up for the audience on the off chance they didn’t see the originals.  This one does little to catch newcomers up to speed.  Because of that, the only thing you have to hang your hat on are the fight scenes. 

Even the fights are lackluster and unsatisfying though.  Most of the problem stems from having too many Riders wearing ever-evolving armor.  Because of that, it gets hard to tell who’s who.  Likewise, the fights themselves are interchangeable and unmemorable too.  (I did like the one fight that featured Batman-style cartoon bubbles though.)

Once we finally get an explanation of what’s going on, it’s depressingly juvenile, even for a movie about guys in bug suits who ride motorcycles.  And to make matters worse, there’s very little of that either.  We finally do get some motorcycle action near the end, but by then, it’s too little too late.  Like the amnesiac characters in the film, you’ll probably have no memory of what just happened after you watch it. 

PIRATES OF CANNIBAL ISLE (1975) ****

Pirates of Cannibal Isle or The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle or Mr. Quack Quack and the Rare Blue Ape or whatever you want to call it is the ripest slice of WTF lunacy I have seen in… I don’t know… decades.  It’s a ‘70s kids movie, but it feels like someone was in danger every step of the way.  And I don’t mean the characters.  I mean the actors.  They are all wearing bulky animal costumes that look like half-assed versions of the costumes from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.  They’re constantly crossing rickety Indiana Jones-style bridges, traipsing through caverns, going over waterfalls, swinging on vines like Tarzan, and going doing river on rafts made with sticks.  It almost feels like any one of them could’ve died at any time.  (Yes, that includes the duck.)

It’s like watching Werner Herzog’s New Zoo Revue. 

Nonnie (Daud Bin Ibrahim) is a mute kid with a pet duck named Mr. Quack Quack (himself).  His parents want to get rid of it, so he does what any mute kid would do:  Take the duck on a boat ride to Cannibal Isle.  There, they encounter “Swampies”, crocodile men/pirates led by Ulysses S. Krock who lock him up in a cage with a “Rare Blue Ape”.  Together, Nonnie, the Rare Blue Ape, and Mr. Quack Quack escape to get the monkey safely back home with the pirates nipping at their heels the whole way. 

Folks, I could tell you what happens in this movie, but you’d think I was higher than a hippie in a helicopter.  Since it was filmed in the most bombed-out parts of Malaysia, there isn’t a frame of this movie that wouldn’t look at home in Apocalypse Now or Aguirre, the Wrath of God.  Except for the scenes with the Swampies, the Rare Blue Apes and Mr. Quack Quack, of course.  This could’ve just been fun from a visual standpoint as it’s one of the trippiest kids’ movies I’ve ever seen.  However, the surprising thing is how involved you get.  Not so much with the characters, but just that the film draws you into its own brand of weirdness in such a mesmerizing way that you have no choice but to get caught up in the action. 

Folks, I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard at some of the weird shit in this movie.  Then, I had tears in my eyes when the previously thought dead Mr. Quack Quack made his triumphant return.  E.T. eat your (glowing) heart out.  Later, I had tears in my eyes because I was so happy that I existed at the same time that this previously thought lost movie was found.  God bless the people at Vinegar Syndrome for unearthing this gem (along with nine other films in their Lost Picture Show box set). 

Oh, and did I mention the music?  It’s special in its own right.  I would be lying if I told you I didn’t turn on the subtitles so I could sing along with all the songs.  The theme song in particular is a straight-up banger and is so seared in my brain that I occasionally find myself singing it.  (Yes, I’ve watched this multiple times before I even got the chance to review it, which rarely, if ever, happens.)

If you’re a jaded WTF movie fan like me, you think you’ve seen it all.  Sometimes though, something special like this will come along and remind you that you haven’t.  This is the purest hit of cinematic insanity I’ve seen in a long, long, time.

AKA:  The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle.  AKA:  Cap’n Krock and the Rare Blue Apes.  AKA:  Mr. Quack Quack and the Rare Blue Ape.

TUBI CONTINUED… IN SEARCH OF AN ULTRAMAN! INVASION FROM ANOTHER SPACE! (2021) * ½

With In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space!, I have now come to the final Ultraman “movie” on Tubi.  I use the word “movie” very loosely.  Like some of these Ultraman flicks I’ve reviewed, it’s only a half-hour long.  However, it’s not an official Ultraman movie, but more of a fan film that somehow managed to be uploaded to Tubi. 

You know, “Fan film” may not even be the right word for it.  It looks more like a YouTube show.  It also has the look of something that was made during the pandemic as the whole thing resembles a Zoom call.  I know people had a lot of downtime on their hands then, and I’m glad they did something creative with their time, but still…  This is pretty bad.  

A scruffy-looking scientist scrambles the feed and breaks in with an emergency broadcast to inform the world that an alien attack is imminent.  He says that his agency is desperately trying to contact Ultraman to save Earth, but so far, they have had no success reaching him.  Meanwhile, irritating “experts” and news anchors provide updates on the impending invasion. 

Even though In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space! Is only thirty-four minutes long, it feels at least four times that length.  The banter between all the talking heads is particularly excruciating (especially the scientist with a terrible German accent).  To make matters worse, it’s padded out with multiple scenes of someone playing with Ultraman toys.  If you’re going to do shit like this, it should at least… you know… be funny.  If you do manage to somehow sit through it all, you will be rewarded with an OK cameo that (just barely) justifies this whole thing’s existence.  For the most part though, it feels like a cheap and annoying YouTube video that you definitely would not “Like” or “Subscribe”. 

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN R/B THE MOVIE: SELECT! THE CRYSTAL OF BOND (2019) ***

Ultraman R/B is different than the other Ultraman iterations in that they are a set of brothers who turn into Ultramen whenever their world is threatened.  However, it’s been a year or so since their last battle and they are starting to think about what the future holds for unemployed superheroes.  That changes when there’s an alien attack and they have to suit up once again.  Ultraman Geed also shows up to lend a hand, but things go from bad to worse when R’s goth friend is turned into a giant monster. 

There’s more intentional humor this time out, which is a problem because the bulk of it just isn’t funny.  The comic daydreams and sitcom situations (like when R/B and their father spy on their sister when she goes out on a date) don’t really work, and don’t score any laughs to speak of.  Then again, these scenes don’t exactly grate on your nerves either, which I suppose is a small victory.  At least the comic relief shit dries up once the monsters attack.  Plus, the film’s heart is in the right place, and the family dynamic helps to give this one a little bit different flavor than the previous Ultraman efforts. 

Fortunately, the monster brawls are a lot of fun and are well-worth the wait.  The monsters look appropriately old school (albeit with a few CGI enhancements here and there), which is to say they are rubbery and silly.  As with Ultraman Orb:  The Movie, the film contains some clever camerawork that opens things up a little bit, and the finale (which feels like an Ultraman version of the Flash scenes in the Justice League movie) is legitimately cool.  Also, the arrival of an Ultrawoman was a long time coming, and helps make this entry kind of progressive… I guess. 

AKA:  Ultraman R/B:  Select!  The Crystal of Bond.