COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3 (2023) ***

With his pal Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper) dying, Star-Lord (Chris Pratt) and the Guardians of the Galaxy go off in search of the only being (who’s evil, of course) who can save him. 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 goes back and forth between the present-day quest to save Rocket and the scenes of Rocket’s past, told in flashback while he’s lying on his death bed, and it makes for a choppy narrative.  The scenes of Guardians breaking into spaceships and getting into skirmishes with aliens is fun, but it lacks the swagger and joy the previous films in the series had.  Rocket’s scenes are downright depressing, and will pull at your heartstrings, but I wonder if they would’ve played even better if the film was told chronologically.  Every time his storyline advances in a meaningful way, it cuts back to the Guardians.  Rocket’s tale might’ve been a powerful standalone origin story instead of being shoehorned into a Guardians plotline that, while not bad, just seems to be on autopilot. 

That said, when it works it works.  Rocket’s stuff by itself is worth the price of admission.  I guess writer/director James Gunn knew his time with Marvel was drawing to a close (since he went on to head DC’s movie division), so he put everything he ever wanted to do with the Guardians into this one.  Because of that, the character of Adam Warlock (Will Poulter) suffers.  They set him up to be the bad guy in the last one and he winds up basically being the C plotline.  (Well… the D plotline.  I forgot about all the stuff with Star-Lord trying to make Gamora remember she loves him.)  It’s a shame too because Poulter has his moments. 

Oh, and why all of a sudden are the Guardians listening to ‘90s music?  The soundtracks to the first two films were full of fun ‘70s bubblegum jams.  This one just features a mishmash of stuff that doesn’t even feel like it would go together all that well on a mixtape.  I guess this is probably the “old man yells at cloud” part of the review because I know what you’re going to say:  ‘90s rock is now considered “classic rock”, but come on. 

Look, I had fun with the movie, and it was nice seeing the characters bouncing off one another once again.  However, the bloated 2 ½ hour running time was a bit much.  Honestly, this thing was exhausting at times and was missing some of the playfulness of the first two.  Overall, I liked it.  It’s entertaining, if a bit overblown. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

TUBI CONTINUED… THE BLACK RIDER (1954) ** ½

A shadowy figure in a black hood known as “The Black Monk” rides around terrorizing the citizens of a small English hamlet on a motorcycle during the full moon.  An intrepid reporter (and motorcycle enthusiast) investigates and is almost killed for his trouble.  That doesn’t deter him from digging and soon, he has a hunch the Black Monk isn’t a phantom after all, but a flesh and blood henchman for a den of smugglers hiding out in the town’s crumbling castle estate.  When the reporter’s girlfriend is kidnapped, he calls on the members of his local motorcycle riding club to help rescue her. 

Directed by Wolf (Village of the Damned) Rilla, The Black Rider is an engaging and breezy little thriller that owes a lot to the Old Dark House mysteries of the ‘30s and ‘40s.  You know, the ones where spies posed as monsters to keep snoopers away.  Except instead of an Old Dark House, it’s an Old English Town.  It was made around the same time as The Wild One, so having a motorcycle-riding hero was still something of a novelty.   

In fact, it also reminded me a little of the Juvenile Delinquent genre as it’s an impassioned plea by motorcycle riders for acceptance by the public.  Sure, the Black Monk is a bad guy, but all the other riders in the film are portrayed as easygoing guys who ride for recreation and sport.  Half the movie is spent on the reporter trying to prove to his future father in-law (and editor) that motorcyclists are people too.  There are times where it almost feels like pro-motorcycle propaganda financed by the British Motorcyclists’ Administration parading as a thriller. 

Most of this is goofy, but I kinda dug it.  It’s only an hour long and Rilla keeps things speeding along.  I can’t lie and say the mystery is gripping and the performances are engaging.  What I can say is that it’s a silly, semi-entertaining oddity. 

TUBI CONTINUED… SEASON’S GREETINGS II (2019) **

I never saw the original Season’s Greetings (alas, it’s not on Tubi), but if this column has taught you anything about me, it’s that I will readily watch a sequel even though I’ve never seen the first film in the series. 

A schlub in an ugly Christmas sweater sits by a fireplace and relates three tales of Yuletide terror to the audience.  First up is “The Manger” (**).  A young alcoholic woman is on the run from a cult of bird-women Satanists.  She eventually decides to stop running and confront them on Christmas, the day that their “new messiah” will be born. 

This tale isn’t exactly a short story.  It feels more like a scene that was taken from another movie.  It’s not bad or anything.  It just seems like you’ve channel surfed into the last fifteen minutes of something.  There is a semi-twist at the end, although it feels more like a foregone conclusion than anything.  The sight of sexy Satanic lesbian bird women is pretty memorable though. 

The next story is “Merry Fucking Christmas” (**).  When a woman finds her sister has been sleeping with her boyfriend, she decides to spend Christmas at an airbnb.  Little does she know a killer has snuck into the house to spread a little Christmas fear. 

Whereas The Manger felt like an isolated scene from a movie, this feels like an entire film compacted into fifteen minutes.  It’s not very original or memorable, but it is at the very least competent and well made.  Too bad the ending is so abrupt.  (Maybe that was supposed to be the “twist”.)

“The Naughty List” (***) is the final tale.  Santa gets fed up with seeing the same names on the Naughty List year after year, so he sends an elf to take care of business.  The elf crashes a Christmas party full of foul-mouthed delinquents and sets out to cross them off the Naughty List for good. 

The set-up is fun, and it wastes no time diving into its simple, but entertaining premise headfirst.  Although the elf seems to be clearly modeled on Art the Clown from Terrifier, he’s still sort of amusing.  His choice of Christmas-themed weapons is often good for a laugh too.  (My favorite was the snowflake decorations that doubled as Ninja stars.)  Santa gets the best line of the movie when he tells the elf, “I want you deck the halls… with blood!” 

TUBI CONTINUED… TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (1987) * ½

Tales from the Quadead Zone is an hour-long shot-on-video anthology horror flick from Chester Novell Turner, the director of the infamous Black Devil Doll from Hell.  The “Wraparound” (**) has a mother telling her invisible ghost son stories from the titular tome. 

The first tale is “Food For?” (*).  A poor family with many mouths to feed have to fight each other for measly portions at the dinner table.  One day, junior gets pissed about having to fight his kinfolk for bologna sandwiches and grabs a shotgun and guns down the competition. 

This is a very strange story that feels unfinished.  The hook is intriguing enough, but it goes nowhere fast.  Plus, the ending is a total rip-off as we only learn of the family members’ fates by an onscreen text. 

Next is “The Brothers” (* ½).  A guy gets his friends to help steal his brother’s corpse from the morgue.  He then uses the opportunity to yell at his older brother’s body for all the shit he did to him while he was alive.  As one final indignity, he plans to bury his brother in the basement dressed as a clown.  But will the clown get the last laugh?

This segment is plagued with poor audio as much of the dialogue is hard to hear or just plain unintelligible.  The scene where the protagonist is alone with his brother’s corpse and has a sort of half-assed therapy session with it had potential, but it doesn’t really go anywhere.  Although this tale gets points for general weirdness, it just doesn’t work overall. 

The final tale, “Unseen Vision” (* ½) feeds back into the wraparound story.  The mother is interrupted from reading her ghost son another story when her abusive husband comes home and attacks her.  She kills him in self-defense and then takes her own life to be with her son in the afterlife. 

Handled the right way, this could’ve been a tragic and powerful story.  Too bad the acting is so amateurish.  I did like the negative vision effects for the ghosts, but ultimately, it’s just too dreary to be totally successful. 

The biggest issue with Tales from the Quadead Zone is that the three stories have no real meat on them.  Anthology horror flicks should have a twist ending, or at the very least be atmospheric.  The second story comes closest to meeting that criterion, but it’s still not very good.  Plus, there’s nothing here approaching the sheer lunacy of Turner’s jaw-dropping Black Devil Doll from Hell.  Turner was also responsible for the terrible theme song that sounds like Yoda rapping. 

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY HOLIDAY SPECIAL (2022) **

Bummed that Star-Lord (Chris Pratt) is feeling down on Christmas, Drax (David Bautista) and Mantis (Pom Klementieff) decide to give him the one thing he’s always wanted… Kevin Bacon (himself)! 

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special tries to act simultaneously as a Christmas Special and a sort of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.5.  By trying to split the difference, writer/director James Gunn winds up missing the mark on both accounts.  Sure, it’s supposed to be slight, but it’s only sporadically amusing.  The scenes of Drax and Mantis hanging around Hollywood Boulevard and being mistaken for cosplaying panhandlers are cute.  Bacon (who was also in Gunn’s Super) looks like he’s having fun as he amusingly plays himself.  The scene where he watches Santa Claus Conquers the Martians before he himself is kidnapped by aliens is kind of fun.  Although he’s game, that’s about the only trick up the show’s sleeve. 

In the tradition of the Star Wars Holiday Special, there are a couple of old school rotoscoped animated segments.  While these scenes (which basically act as flashbacks) might’ve made for a good subplot for a movie, as the basis of a Christmas Special, it’s kind of shaky.  And I don’t know if it was because it was made for Disney+ or if they were trying to capture a younger crowd, but the humor seems watered down compared to the previous movies.  It also feels like many of the Guardians are barely in it.  

And for a series that typically features great music woven into the films, the music here is pretty bad.  I know it’s mostly Christmas songs, and the songs that usually appear in Christmas specials generally suck, but still.  The alien Christmas song that kicks things off is especially lame and Bacon’s number feels more like a contractual obligation than anything else.  Maybe I’m just being a Scrooge, but this did little to spread holiday cheer. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

COMIC BOOK CATCH-UP: WEREWOLF BY NIGHT (2022) *** ½

I wasn’t originally going to review this and the Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special because they’re only an hour long and not exactly “real” movies.  Then again, I’ve been watching Tubi movies half that length, and I’ve counted them as “real” movies, so I figured why not?  Werewolf by Night was made as a Halloween special for Disney+ and it’s fairly fun for horror fans and those looking for something a little different from the Marvel brand. 

A group of hunters are gathered in a mansion for a monster hunt.  The victor will be awarded the “Bloodstone” and be named supreme monster slayer.  Little do they realize another monster has secretly joined the hunt. 

The aesthetic is right up my alley as it’s basically a tribute to the old Universal horror movies of the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Not only is it in black and white, but the title sequence is very reminiscent of the old films.  Heck, there are even cigarette burns at every reel change.  After seeing so many Grindhouse-inspired flicks over the last few years, this felt like a breath of fresh air. 

As a fan of the old Werewolf by Night comics, there’s a side of me that wishes it was a bit more of a traditional adaptation, but that’s just me being nerdy.  (What can I say?  I missed Wolfie’s green pants.)  Oh well, there’s at least one fun cameo that placated my nerdiness.  The truth is, this is one of the most fun Marvel movies I’ve seen in a while, and it’s almost a shame they didn’t make it into a theatrically released feature. 

Werewolf by Night was the directing debut of longtime composer Michal Giacchino.  He does a fine job balancing the horror elements with the more typical Marvel-style fight scenes.  Hopefully, he’ll get another crack at one of these sooner than later because he sure delivered the goods with plenty of style to spare. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

TUBI CONTINUED… HALLUCINATIONS (1986) ***

John (co-director John Polonia) and Mark (co-director Mark Polonia) are two brothers whose friend Tood (co-director Todd Michael Smith) comes to their house for a sleepover.  Before long, they are having strange dreams and hallucinations.  Are these hallucinations real, or are they merely figments of their imaginations?

Because of the hallucinatory nature of the film, that means the filmmakers can get away with a lot of weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  We also get a lot of grossness for grossness’ sake, too.  The hallucinations include people puking blood, vomit to the face, machete to the neck, torture via a guy with a pillowcase over his head, a demon baby attack, a giant slug in the shower, and a killer wearing Freddy Krueger inspired make-up.  (I could’ve done without the scene where a chainsaw takes on a life of its own and chops up the family cat though.)  The best scene finds a Christmas elf decoration coming to life and… well… I won’t spoil it. 

Yes, this is yet another Polonia Brothers Shot-on-Video flick.  (This was their second in a long line of low budget features).  As someone who has watched a lot of bad Polonia Brothers movies this year, it gives me great pleasure to find one that’s a surprising amount of fun.  It’s only an hour long, and there’s no shortage of gore or DIY scenes of horror here.  Actually, by all the scenes of them clearing their driveway, it looks like something that a bunch of friends would make at home on a snow day, which of course, is part of the charm.   Plus, the occasional static and tape rolls help recreate the feel of watching it on VHS, which is nice.  If on the off chance you do get bored before the end, you can have fun trying to figure out what happened to one of the brothers’ mustaches in the third act.