LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ED MCBAIN’S 87TH PRECINCT: ICE (1996) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Ice was the second in a string of three Ed McBain adaptations for television.  I’ve not seen the third installment, Heatwave, so I can’t say for sure it’s the best of the trilogy.  What I can say is that it was definitely a step up from the first film, Lightning.  This one was directed by Bradford (Darkman 3:  Die Darkman Die) May and boasts a script by none other than Larry (It’s Alive) Cohen, who is a good fit for McBain’s hardboiled style. 

A hooker comes home to find her pimp has been murdered.  Later that night, a dancer is murdered with the same gun.  Detectives Carella (Dale Midkiff) and Meyer (Joe Pantoliano) have to figure out the connection and solve the case.  The investigation becomes personal when the killers come after Carella’s deaf girlfriend. 

Midkiff and Joey Pants are solid in the leads, even if the briskly moving plot doesn’t give them much time to develop their characters.  It was also good seeing Family Ties’ Michael Gross as their no-nonsense lieutenant.  Their performances help elevate the material, even if the plot is just perfunctory. 

The Cohen touches (like a pregnant hooker giving birth in the middle of being arrested) help, and the scene where a thief holds up a laundromat and attempts to rob the ladies of not only their jewelry, but their panties as well, is memorable.  Also, the lovebird murderers have a kind of Honeymoon Killers vibe to them as they are (SPOILER) a sleazy guy and his obese girlfriend.  Despite those little flourishes, Ice still has the distinct feel of an average police procedural drama.  You know, something your dad might watch.  Ultimately, there are too many half-baked subplots and supporting characters that get in the way of investigation, but May does manage to bring a little bit of style to the proceedings. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A FATHER’S REVENGE (1988) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 5th, 2023)

When his flight attendant daughter (Helen Patton) is kidnapped in Germany by ruthless terrorists, family man Paul (Brian Dennehy) and his wife (Joanna Cassidy) grab their passports and head on over there to see what’s being done by the authorities to insure she’ll be returned home safe and sound.  Unfortunately, both the American and German governments sit on their hands way too long, which infuriates the family.  With the clock ticking away, a reporter (Ron Silver) gets Paul in touch with a former SAS mercenary (Anthony Valentine) to get her back.  The only catch:  Paul wants to tag along on the mission.

A Father’s Revenge is a crackling good Made for TV Movie that benefits from economical storytelling, tight pacing, and strong execution from director John (2 Days in the Valley) Herzfeld.  The thing that really elevates the film from your average TV flick though are the excellent performances.  Dennehy, who never had an ungenuine moment on film in his entire career, delivers a powerhouse performance as the concerned father who eventually takes matters into his own hands.  Cassidy is his match in every way and the two have dynamite chemistry together.  Silver is also quite good as the journalist who not only wants a big scoop, but also delivers on his promises to the family.  

Since this is a TV movie, there are all the usual fade-in and fade-outs that signal the commercial breaks.  However, that’s about the only tell-tale sign this was made for television.  Overall, Herzfeld makes things look and feel rather cinematic, especially when compared to many TV Movies of the Week from the era.  While most of the action is weighted towards the end, Herzfeld keeps the tension brimming throughout and punctuates the film with a strong finale.  Couple that with Dennehy’s fine work and you have yourself a memorable drama in nearly every regard.

AKA:  Payback.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO (1982) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Black action icons Fred (Hammer) Williamson, Jim (Slaughter) Brown, Jim (Enter the Dragon) Kelly, and Richard (Shaft) Roundtree team up for the first and only time. The blaxploitation craze of the 70’s had died down by the time this was released, but if you’re a fan of the genre like me, you won’t care. Unfortunately, all four of the actors are only on screen together for two brief scenes.

The first half of the movie has Kelly competing in a karate tournament for sponsor Roundtree. When the Mob backed financers refuse to pay them their prize money, they fight back. Kelly is shot, and Roundtree is wounded, so they call up Williamson and Brown who show up (halfway into the movie!) to settle the score. Then it becomes a buddy picture with Williamson and Brown getting into fistfights, barroom brawls and blowing stuff up as they search for the money. In the end, Kelly stays in the hospital while Williamson, Brown and Roundtree blow away the baddies.

It’s fun, but imagine what it coulda been like had all four stars had more screen time together. Also starring the one and only Joe (Maniac) Spinell as a greedy promoter. This was Kelly’s last movie. Williamson produced and directed and gets the best line, “You may know kung fu, but I’m an expert at gun fu!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SWEEPER (1996) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 2nd, 2023)

C. Thomas Howell stars as a cop on the edge.  After accidentally killing a perp in the line of duty, he is recruited by Ed Lauter to join an underground vigilante society called “Justice Inc.” that is dedicated to blowing away drug dealers, killers, and other assorted criminals that slipped through the cracks of the system.  Naturally, Ed is just using him to do his dirty work, and it’s up to C. to kick some A.

The Sweeper is a tad uneven in spots, but when it finds its groove, it really works.  Some of the action beats are kind of fun (the car chase featuring numerous exploding oxygen tanks is gloriously over the top), the stunt work is strong (there’s an exciting rooftop chase), and there are moments of legitimately WTF energy and/or just plain weird asides (like when a woman offers to give Howell a blowjob if he can recite the Honey Comb Hideout cereal jingle).  That said, it sometimes takes a while to get to the good stuff.  

At an even hundred minutes, The Sweeper is a good fifteen minutes or so too long.  For one, it takes an inordinate amount of time to get the ball rolling.  The opening sequence involving Howell’s supercop dad, played by Jeff Fahey, eats up a lot of precious screen time.  I’m all for watching Fahey in action, but his scenes weren’t exactly necessary.  We also get more than the requisite number of dreams and flashbacks that help further pad out the running time.  I mean Howell doesn’t even join the vigilante group until the movie’s already halfway over!  Also, I had a little trouble swallowing Howell as a tough cop as he just isn’t convincing with his scraggily long hair, House of Pain hat, and cheesy goatee.  

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I admire The Sweeper’s moxie.  It’s the kind of movie where if it’s going to throw a guy out of a two-story window, it’s going to throw them out of a two-story window while they’re on fire.  The finale, which includes cars being thrown through the air like Matchbox toys, exploding tanker trucks, and biplanes landing on the freeway is fucking ridiculous… which is just another way of saying, “Pretty damned entertaining.”

In short, The Sweeper is a Howell-ing good time.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PETS (1973) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Shapely runaway Bonnie (Candice Rialson) hooks up with a lesbian artist named Geraldine (Joan Blackman) and becomes her latest figure model as well as sexual conquest.  Skeevy art collector Vincent (Ed Bishop) immediately becomes obsessed with her latest painting and eventually with Bonnie too.  When Bonnie and Geraldine have a falling out, Vincent swoops in with a devious plan to possess them both. 

Pets had a great trailer and I’ve been looking forward to checking out the movie ever since I saw the preview on a trailer compilation a few years back.  Too bad the film itself is so uneven.  It starts and stops and speeds off in so many different directions that it takes a while to get its bearings.  Subplots about Bonnie evading her hot-tempered brother and becoming party to a half-assed kidnapping feel more like filler than anything and was probably only there to give the trailer a few action-oriented shots. 

Fortunately, the movie does pick up steam once Bonnie and Geraldine begin playing house together.  Unfortunately, the lurid plot about the crazy art dealer keeping the women as human pets (which was heavily played up in the trailer) only happens in the last twenty minutes.  If you were lured in by the previews (as I was), you may feel a tad cheated. 

Nevertheless, it makes for a serviceable vehicle for Candice Rialson.  If you’ve seen her in films like Hollywood Boulevard, Chatterbox, or Candy Stripe Nurses, you know that she’s usually the best thing about whatever movie she’s in.  Pets is no exception.  There’s no shortage of scenes where Candice is putting on or taking off skimpy and sexy outfits.  So, if you’re a fan of Rialson, that’ll be just enough to make it worth a look, even if the movie never really lives up to the promise of the trailer.  (I guess you could say Pets is kind of… tame.)

AKA:  Submission.  AKA:  One-Night Stand.  AKA:  Animal Women.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE PHANTOM GUNSLINGER (1970) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A vicious gang known as The Terrible Seven ride into a small town and take over the place.  A meek seminary student (Troy Donahue) is named sheriff and must figure out a way to bring law and order to the town.  Naturally, he promptly gets killed.  However, when he goes to Heaven, he’s somehow able to convince St. Peter to let him come back down to Earth to finish off the gang once and for all. 

Producer/director Albert (Confessions of an Opium Eater) Zugsmith made this western comedy South of the Border and on the cheap.  Since it was filmed at Churubusco Azteca Studios, that means a few of your favorite stars of Mexican monster, western, and wrestling movies turn up.  German (The Monsters Demolisher) Robles is the leader of The Terrible Seven who shoots daggers out of his cane, Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy’s Elizabeth Campbell (in her final role) spends most of the movie in drag, The Wild Bunch’s Emilio Fernandez plays the former sheriff, and Pedro Armendariz, Jr. is a bandit who poses as a priest. 

Most of the humor revolves around irritating fast motion comedy scenes, all of which are painfully unfunny.   The same goes for Donahue’s pratfalls and double takes.  There’s also plenty of lazy stereotypes accompanied by “comic” musical stings.  (Every time a Native Chieftain shows up, the same war drums music plays.)  It also features what has got to be the cheapest Heaven set in film history. 

Oh, I get all those old matinee idols like Troy Donahue, Tab Hunter, and Fabian mixed up, and Troy’s performance did little to clear up my confusion. 

In short, The Phantom Gunslinger is a rather excruciating experience.  From the moment the annoying old-timey prospector narrator opens his mouth, the movie leaps mercilessly upon your nerves and stays there for ninety-nine painful minutes.  I will say the transfer from Vinegar Syndrome is great; so much so that you can see the wires when Donahue is hopping up and down on his custom made spring shoes.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FANNY HILL: MEMOIRS OF A WOMAN OF PLEASURE (1965) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Homeless virginal waif Fanny Hill (Leticia Roman) gets hoodwinked into becoming a prostitute by a devious madam named Mrs. Brown (Miriam Hopkins).  She tries to pawn Fanny off on various customers with very little success.  When Fanny falls in love with a handsome young sailor (Ulli Lommel), Mrs. Brown sets out to keep them apart as it would be bad for business for a lady of the evening to be tied down, especially when no one has sampled the goods yet. 

Fanny Hill:  Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure was directed by Russ Meyer for producer Albert Zugsmith.  Apparently, Russ wanted to make a more traditional adaptation brimming with sex while Zugsmith kept pushing for more slapstick.  The results are mixed at best as the film is obviously trying to serve two masters (and doing neither very well).  Because of that, it lacks the punch of Russ’ best stuff.  It still looks great though as the flick contains some nice cinematography and editing, even if it’s a little less frantic than Meyer’s typical output.  Ultimately, there’s way too much teasing and next to no pleasing. 

As for Zugsmith’s contributions, the humor rarely, if ever, hits its intended mark.  The opening comedic sequence with people getting splashed with water, taking pies to the face, and having cold fish dropped down their blouses is kinda like the beginning of Superman 3, except it’s not very good.  Then there are the obligatory scenes of misunderstandings, like when Fanny thinks a customer is talking about hats and he’s clearly going on about sex.  Predictably, we also have to suffer through a lot of fast-motion chase scenes a la Benny Hill.  (Hey, Benny Hill’s Fanny Hill… now THERE’S an idea for a movie!)

At least the cast is interesting.  Alex (Horrors of Spider Island) D’Arcy shows up for a bit as a well-to-do customer.  It’s also fun seeing future director Lommel playing a square leading man type.  Hopkins seems to be having a blast as the wily madam and Zugsmith himself even shows up in a bit part.  Roman’s beauty and winning charm as Fanny keeps things afloat (mostly), and knockout Cara Garnett leaves a memorable impression as the sexy crossdressing Phoebe.  Too bad that’s just about all the movie has going for it.  

A sequel is promised at the end, but it never materialized. 

AKA:  Fanny Hill.  AKA:  Russ Meyer’s Fanny Hill.  AKA:  Romp of Fanny Hill.