LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SPY KILLER (1969) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A woman thinks her new man is cheating on her, so she hires her private eye ex-husband John Smith (Robert Horton) to get photos of them in the act.  It seems like a simple enough gig, except for the fact that Smith arrives at their pad, he finds a dead body instead.  He’s promptly charged with murder and must find the real culprit to clear his name.  Fortunately for Smith, he used to be a secret agent and can rely on his wily old boss Max (Sebastian Cabot) to get him out of trouble whenever he’s in a pinch. 

The Spy Killer is watchable but forgettable ABC TV Movie of the Week programmer that utilizes lots of talent from the Hammer horror movies both behind and in front of the camera.  It was directed by Roy Ward (Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde) Baker, written by Jimmy (The Horror of Dracula) Sangster (based on his novel Private I), and co-stars Barbara (Dracula:  Prince of Darkness) Shelley as the ex-wife.  Bond fans will also enjoy seeing Diamonds are Forever’s Jill St. John as Smith’s girlfriend. 

Baker and Sangster try to meld the spy and private eye genres with mixed results.  The idea of an American secret agent now making his living in London as a gumshoe had potential.  However, because of the Made for TV production values, it winds up feeling like a Hammer version of a Quinn Martin production.

Horton is kind of bland, but since his character’s name is John Smith, I think he was supposed to be nondescript.  Cabot seems to be having fun as a more sinister version of M, and some amusement can be had from seeing the usually gregarious Mr. French getting embroiled in international espionage.  St. John is kind of wasted in a thankless girlfriend role, but she still looks great.  Unfortunately, Shelley pretty much disappears after the opening. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FROM BEYOND (1986) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

A year after making the seminal horror classic, Re-Animator, director Stuart Gordon and much of the same cast and crew returned to the work of H.P. Lovecraft for this batshit insane flick. Although not quite the classic that Re-Animator is, it remains one of the best horror flicks of the 80’s and has a manic charm all its own.

Even after more than twenty years, it’s still the best sex starved S&M scientists turning into slimy mutant rubbery sex monsters movie of all time.

The plot has the inimitable Jeffrey Combs returning to a rundown house with sexy psychologist Barbara Crampton to prove that he really isn’t crazy because he turned on the “Resonator” machine that brings moray eels from another dimension to Earth to eat human heads for dessert. Crampton finally believes him when she turns on the machine too long and is soon running around in bondage gear wanting everyone in sight to give her the high hard one. Luckily Ken Foree, the man who uttered the immortal line “When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth” in Dawn of the Dead is around to keep a cool head and make sure everyone doesn’t sex each other to death. Things start getting weird though when Combs is almost swallowed whole by the sea serpent in the basement and emerges with an enlarged pineal gland that jumps out of his forehead and starts running around sucking people’s brains out of their eye sockets. And I’m not even going to talk about the kinky doctor who returns “from beyond” as a slimy monster (he looks like John Carpenter’s The Thing but with an overactive libido) who’ll stop at nothing to get into Barbara’s pants because it’s just too disgusting to think about.

In short, it’s a classic and you’re gonna love it. It’s a worthy successor to Re-Animator and even though it’s not as great, it comes pretty damn close.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Since I wrote that review seventeen years ago, my admiration for From Beyond has only grown.  Now, I’m often torn between which is better, Re-Animator or From Beyond.  I guess my copout answer is this:  How do you top Re-Animator?  You make From Beyond.  Then again, this one has Barbara Crampton in a dominatrix outfit for a quarter of the movie.  Whichever one you prefer, one thing is undeniable, it’s one of the greatest one-two punches by a director ever.  It also remains the best S & M KY Jelly monster movie of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:

The 4K presentation from Vinegar Syndrome is nothing short of amazing.  The purples and blues that permeate the movie really pop.  (Stuart Gordon was doing bisexual lighting before anyone.)  In short, this flick looks like a million bucks.  From the slimy monsters to Crampton’s array of sexy wardrobe changes, From Beyond is a feast for the eyes and definitely worth the upgrade. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ED MCBAIN’S 87TH PRECINCT: ICE (1996) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Ice was the second in a string of three Ed McBain adaptations for television.  I’ve not seen the third installment, Heatwave, so I can’t say for sure it’s the best of the trilogy.  What I can say is that it was definitely a step up from the first film, Lightning.  This one was directed by Bradford (Darkman 3:  Die Darkman Die) May and boasts a script by none other than Larry (It’s Alive) Cohen, who is a good fit for McBain’s hardboiled style. 

A hooker comes home to find her pimp has been murdered.  Later that night, a dancer is murdered with the same gun.  Detectives Carella (Dale Midkiff) and Meyer (Joe Pantoliano) have to figure out the connection and solve the case.  The investigation becomes personal when the killers come after Carella’s deaf girlfriend. 

Midkiff and Joey Pants are solid in the leads, even if the briskly moving plot doesn’t give them much time to develop their characters.  It was also good seeing Family Ties’ Michael Gross as their no-nonsense lieutenant.  Their performances help elevate the material, even if the plot is just perfunctory. 

The Cohen touches (like a pregnant hooker giving birth in the middle of being arrested) help, and the scene where a thief holds up a laundromat and attempts to rob the ladies of not only their jewelry, but their panties as well, is memorable.  Also, the lovebird murderers have a kind of Honeymoon Killers vibe to them as they are (SPOILER) a sleazy guy and his obese girlfriend.  Despite those little flourishes, Ice still has the distinct feel of an average police procedural drama.  You know, something your dad might watch.  Ultimately, there are too many half-baked subplots and supporting characters that get in the way of investigation, but May does manage to bring a little bit of style to the proceedings. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A FATHER’S REVENGE (1988) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 5th, 2023)

When his flight attendant daughter (Helen Patton) is kidnapped in Germany by ruthless terrorists, family man Paul (Brian Dennehy) and his wife (Joanna Cassidy) grab their passports and head on over there to see what’s being done by the authorities to insure she’ll be returned home safe and sound.  Unfortunately, both the American and German governments sit on their hands way too long, which infuriates the family.  With the clock ticking away, a reporter (Ron Silver) gets Paul in touch with a former SAS mercenary (Anthony Valentine) to get her back.  The only catch:  Paul wants to tag along on the mission.

A Father’s Revenge is a crackling good Made for TV Movie that benefits from economical storytelling, tight pacing, and strong execution from director John (2 Days in the Valley) Herzfeld.  The thing that really elevates the film from your average TV flick though are the excellent performances.  Dennehy, who never had an ungenuine moment on film in his entire career, delivers a powerhouse performance as the concerned father who eventually takes matters into his own hands.  Cassidy is his match in every way and the two have dynamite chemistry together.  Silver is also quite good as the journalist who not only wants a big scoop, but also delivers on his promises to the family.  

Since this is a TV movie, there are all the usual fade-in and fade-outs that signal the commercial breaks.  However, that’s about the only tell-tale sign this was made for television.  Overall, Herzfeld makes things look and feel rather cinematic, especially when compared to many TV Movies of the Week from the era.  While most of the action is weighted towards the end, Herzfeld keeps the tension brimming throughout and punctuates the film with a strong finale.  Couple that with Dennehy’s fine work and you have yourself a memorable drama in nearly every regard.

AKA:  Payback.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO (1982) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Black action icons Fred (Hammer) Williamson, Jim (Slaughter) Brown, Jim (Enter the Dragon) Kelly, and Richard (Shaft) Roundtree team up for the first and only time. The blaxploitation craze of the 70’s had died down by the time this was released, but if you’re a fan of the genre like me, you won’t care. Unfortunately, all four of the actors are only on screen together for two brief scenes.

The first half of the movie has Kelly competing in a karate tournament for sponsor Roundtree. When the Mob backed financers refuse to pay them their prize money, they fight back. Kelly is shot, and Roundtree is wounded, so they call up Williamson and Brown who show up (halfway into the movie!) to settle the score. Then it becomes a buddy picture with Williamson and Brown getting into fistfights, barroom brawls and blowing stuff up as they search for the money. In the end, Kelly stays in the hospital while Williamson, Brown and Roundtree blow away the baddies.

It’s fun, but imagine what it coulda been like had all four stars had more screen time together. Also starring the one and only Joe (Maniac) Spinell as a greedy promoter. This was Kelly’s last movie. Williamson produced and directed and gets the best line, “You may know kung fu, but I’m an expert at gun fu!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SWEEPER (1996) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 2nd, 2023)

C. Thomas Howell stars as a cop on the edge.  After accidentally killing a perp in the line of duty, he is recruited by Ed Lauter to join an underground vigilante society called “Justice Inc.” that is dedicated to blowing away drug dealers, killers, and other assorted criminals that slipped through the cracks of the system.  Naturally, Ed is just using him to do his dirty work, and it’s up to C. to kick some A.

The Sweeper is a tad uneven in spots, but when it finds its groove, it really works.  Some of the action beats are kind of fun (the car chase featuring numerous exploding oxygen tanks is gloriously over the top), the stunt work is strong (there’s an exciting rooftop chase), and there are moments of legitimately WTF energy and/or just plain weird asides (like when a woman offers to give Howell a blowjob if he can recite the Honey Comb Hideout cereal jingle).  That said, it sometimes takes a while to get to the good stuff.  

At an even hundred minutes, The Sweeper is a good fifteen minutes or so too long.  For one, it takes an inordinate amount of time to get the ball rolling.  The opening sequence involving Howell’s supercop dad, played by Jeff Fahey, eats up a lot of precious screen time.  I’m all for watching Fahey in action, but his scenes weren’t exactly necessary.  We also get more than the requisite number of dreams and flashbacks that help further pad out the running time.  I mean Howell doesn’t even join the vigilante group until the movie’s already halfway over!  Also, I had a little trouble swallowing Howell as a tough cop as he just isn’t convincing with his scraggily long hair, House of Pain hat, and cheesy goatee.  

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I admire The Sweeper’s moxie.  It’s the kind of movie where if it’s going to throw a guy out of a two-story window, it’s going to throw them out of a two-story window while they’re on fire.  The finale, which includes cars being thrown through the air like Matchbox toys, exploding tanker trucks, and biplanes landing on the freeway is fucking ridiculous… which is just another way of saying, “Pretty damned entertaining.”

In short, The Sweeper is a Howell-ing good time.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PETS (1973) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Shapely runaway Bonnie (Candice Rialson) hooks up with a lesbian artist named Geraldine (Joan Blackman) and becomes her latest figure model as well as sexual conquest.  Skeevy art collector Vincent (Ed Bishop) immediately becomes obsessed with her latest painting and eventually with Bonnie too.  When Bonnie and Geraldine have a falling out, Vincent swoops in with a devious plan to possess them both. 

Pets had a great trailer and I’ve been looking forward to checking out the movie ever since I saw the preview on a trailer compilation a few years back.  Too bad the film itself is so uneven.  It starts and stops and speeds off in so many different directions that it takes a while to get its bearings.  Subplots about Bonnie evading her hot-tempered brother and becoming party to a half-assed kidnapping feel more like filler than anything and was probably only there to give the trailer a few action-oriented shots. 

Fortunately, the movie does pick up steam once Bonnie and Geraldine begin playing house together.  Unfortunately, the lurid plot about the crazy art dealer keeping the women as human pets (which was heavily played up in the trailer) only happens in the last twenty minutes.  If you were lured in by the previews (as I was), you may feel a tad cheated. 

Nevertheless, it makes for a serviceable vehicle for Candice Rialson.  If you’ve seen her in films like Hollywood Boulevard, Chatterbox, or Candy Stripe Nurses, you know that she’s usually the best thing about whatever movie she’s in.  Pets is no exception.  There’s no shortage of scenes where Candice is putting on or taking off skimpy and sexy outfits.  So, if you’re a fan of Rialson, that’ll be just enough to make it worth a look, even if the movie never really lives up to the promise of the trailer.  (I guess you could say Pets is kind of… tame.)

AKA:  Submission.  AKA:  One-Night Stand.  AKA:  Animal Women.