LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOOD FOR DRACULA (1974) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA  (1974)  ** 

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Udo Keir was pretty good in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, but he makes an awful Dracula.  The whiny, weak, pathetic Count goes to Italy to look for a virgin, or “Wirgin” as the Count pronounces it.  You see, he’s sickly, and the only thing that can keep him alive is virgin blood.  He stays with a family who has three virgin daughters and tries to put the bite on them.  Unfortunately, the socialist handyman (Joe Dallesandro) screws them all before Dracula can get to them.  Drinking “tainted” blood causes the Count to puke and whine some more.  Despite a lively climax in which Dallesandro chops Dracula up limb from limb before finally staking him through the heart, director Paul (Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein) Morrissey pretty much drops the ball.  It isn’t nearly as gory or as fun as Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein and is way too long and boring to boot.  Look fast for Roman Polanski who has a bit part in a pub.  Kier later played a vampire in Blade.  

AKA:  Blood for Dracula.

2024 CRITICAL REAPPRAISAL:

BLOOD FOR DRACULA  (1974)  ***

Blood for Dracula AKA:  Andy Warhol’s Dracula is one of those movies that have grown on me in time.  The first time seeing Udo Keir’s performance was a bit of a shock, but I think it was Paul Morrissey’s intention to subvert the Dracula trope.  After decades of screen portrayals, we expect Dracula to be suave and sinister, not pathetic and weak.  That goes along with the classist ideals of the movie.  Dracula has the title of Count and is aristocratic, and yet it’s the low-class servant (Joe Dallesandro) who is handsome and virile.  His quest for a virgin bride is likewise a subversion of our expectations.  Dracula’s need for virgin blood isn’t so much a lurid addition to the usual vampire lore, but more of a social commentary on old-fashioned men’s expectations of women, and their shock when realizing they have embraced the sexual revolution.  So, seen as a commentary on changing social and sexual mores, it works.  As a traditional bloodsucker flick, it’s less effective, but not without merit. 

I spent a lot of my original review comparing the movie to Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein.  That’s kind of unfair.  That flick was a real showstopping shocker, especially in its 3D version, which was released a while back by Vinegar Syndrome. (I never reviewed the 3D version, but I may go back and review the 4K if I wind up running out of 4K movies for this column.)  This one is a quieter, yet amusing experience.

4K UHD NOTES:

Severin did a great job on this release.  They retained the filmic qualities during the soft-focus scenes, keeping a fair amount of grain.  Other sequences are razor sharp and look like they could’ve been filmed yesterday.  The bountiful extras (which even include the soundtrack CD) make it a must for fans. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TENEBRAE (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of Dario Argento’s best from the ‘80s. It’s wrongly mistaken for Argento’s Third Mother movie (the other two being Suspiria and Inferno), but it only uses the title of The Third Mother. Anthony (The Finder of Lost Loves) Franciosa stars as an author whose latest book Tenebrae inspires a serial killer to start offing people close to him. Throats are slashed with a straight razor and people have pages of the book shoved into their mouths. There’s also a Doberman attack and a particularly brutal axe murder. John (Battle Beyond the Stars) Saxon co-stars as his scheming agent and the director’s wife Daria (Deep Red) Nicolodi (whose voice was dubbed by Theresa Russell) also appears. The excellent score is from the former members of Goblin. Franciosa and Saxon were also in Zombie Death House together.

AKA: Unsane.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Tenebrae was something of a “getting back to basics” exercise for Dario Argento.  It’s an old-fashioned giallo, as it features a black-gloved killer and simple, but effective kill sequences.  It was also Argento’s first giallo after the American slasher boom, so it’s interesting seeing how the violence stacks up to those films of the era.  Speaking of violence, Tenebrae is at its heart, a statement about the way violence and the arts become intertwined, and how the media want to put creators on the hook for their creations’ actions.  Although it feels a little slight compared to something like Suspiria or Inferno (the pacing dawdles coming down the homestretch), it remains a strong second-tier Argento flick, and honestly, most directors can’t even come close to that on their best day. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Having only seen Tenebrae on pan-and-scan VHS and on a Mill Creek 50 Movie Pack DVD, watching it in 4K was something of a revelation.  Although the film isn’t quite as stylish as some of Argento’s most memorable works, the colors looked vibrant in 4K (especially the blood), and the pulsing soundtrack sounded terrific.  Frankly, the movie hasn’t looked or sounded this good since… well… probably ever. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 (2023) ** ½

The evil Marquis (Bill Skarsgard) orders the demolition of The Continental Hotel, much to the chagrin of its owner, Winston (Ian McShane).  Meanwhile, everyone and their grandmother are gunning for John Wick (Keanu Reeves), who is desperately trying to find a way out of the hitman lifestyle.  Winton comes to him with a deal that could finally free John from the clutches of the underworld, if it doesn’t kill them both first. 

First things first.  There was no reason this should’ve been close to three hours long.  The filmmakers could’ve probably gotten away with making two great sequels and instead chose to make one sequel that, while decent, is overly bloated.  The gun battles and Kung Fu fights are likewise drawn out.  I also got tired of all the scenes of guys wearing bulletproof three-piece suits taking multiple gunshots at point blank range and never getting a scratch.  It’s like playing a video game on “God Mode” or playing a game of tag with your fingers crossed so there are no tag-backs. 

I will say the action is well done, and the choreography is concise.  However, the action sequences just seem to go on forever.  Consider the scene late in the picture where Wick does battle with dozens of assassins in the middle of traffic.  It starts off well enough, but it just keeps repeating the same beats (guys are shot and then hit by cars and vice versa) over and over again.  Like the film itself, it just doesn’t seem to know when to pack it in.  You know when you talk to a longwinded person and you keep interjecting, “That’s crazy” as a social cue for them to start wrapping up the conversation, but they don’t pick up on it and they keep talking anyway?  John Wick:  Chapter 4 is the cinematic version of that dude. 

The film is also full of cool ideas that it never manages to capitalize on.  Having Donnie Yen as a blind swordfighter should work, but honestly, he already played that role more successfully in Rogue One a few years back.  (I did like the scene where he placed motion sensor doorbells in various places, so he knew where the gunmen were though.)  Also, taking Scott Adkins, one of the most versatile martial artists working in film today and saddling him with a dorky fat suit was… uh… a choice.  Marko Zaror, who plays Skargard’s bodyguard, isn’t wasted nearly as much, but he really doesn’t get a chance to shine either. 

Reeves seems like he’s sleepwalking this time out.  Luckily, the other returning stars have some spark left in them.  McShane still looks like he’s having fun and Laurence Fishburne is pretty funny.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he presents Wick with a new suit and says, “A man’s got to look good when he’s getting married or buried.”

I think with John Wick:  Chapter 4, the bloom is slowly coming off the rose.  This might be a “hot take”, but I preferred the series when it was just Death Wish with a dog.  Now they feel the need to continually one-up each predecessor by adding new underworld “rules” and constant criminal empire comic book-style world-building, and frankly, it’s starting to get a little exhausting. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CAT-WOMEN OF THE MOON (1953) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS (3-D)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 31st, 2008)

A team of astronauts headed to the moon are knocked off course by a comet.  While making repairs, the sole woman in the group (Marie Windsor) gets telepathic messages telling her to land on “the dark side of the moon”.  (They must be Pink Floyd fans.)  Turns out that the messages were coming from the Cat-Women; a race of hot chicks that like to wear skintight spandex costumes and serious eye make-up.  (They also have a knack for badly choreographed dance routines, but the less said about that, the better.) 

 

Of course, the Cat-Women want to use the astronauts and take over Earth.  Of course, one of the weaker Cat-Women falls in love with one of the square-jawed men.  Of course, the astronauts have to kill a lot of bitchy Cat-Women.

 

Of all the extraterrestrial female-ran society movies of the '50s, I’d have to say that Queen of Outer Space is my favorite.  Cat-Women of the Moon is probably a close second though.  While it ain’t great by any shakes, if you’re into cheesy '50s Sci-Fi films, you certainly can do a lot worse.  The flick starts out fine, but once the astronauts make contact with the Cat-Women, there’s a lot of scenes of them just sitting around talking and not enough action.  Not to mention that it features one of the lamest non-endings ever.  That’s okay though because shit like this is right up my alley so I was able to excuse the flick for its various shortcomings.

 

What I liked best was the awesomely bad special effects.  Like how the spaceship's seats were actually thinly veiled patio lounge chairs and office furniture; or how the astronauts’ radiation suits were nothing more than beekeeper outfits.  The highlight though was the giant spider attack.  Honestly folks, there are few things finer in this life than seeing a bunch of cut-rate ‘50s actors fend off a giant rubber spider. 

 

Cat-Women of the Moon was originally filmed in 3-D, but it’s okay to watch the 2-D version because nothing really leaps out at the screen anyways.  The excellent score was by none other than Elmer Bernstein.  He also did the equally great music for another Grade Z classic, Robot Monster the same year.  This film was later remade as Missile to the Moon, which I guess I’ll have to check out at some point, seeing as I can’t get enough of ‘50s chicks in tight spandex outfits.

 

AKA:  Rocket to the Moon.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

The tape I watched was the 3-D version that was released by Rhino in the ‘90s.  Since my thoughts on the movie haven’t changed all that much, I’ll just review the 3-D presentation.  Sad to say, the 3-D is pretty disappointing as it only works about a third of the time.  Sometimes, the screen is a blurred mess, but if you relax your eyes, suddenly it’ll come into focus and the 3-D works.  (Kind of like a “Magic Eye” picture.)  Although the majority of the close-ups and long shots don’t seem to want to stay in focus, most of the medium shots seem to work.  Nothing pops out of the screen, or anything mind you.  However, these shots aren’t blurry as all get out, which is a blessing. 

As a novelty, the 3-D is kind of fun but it doesn’t work successfully enough to make the tape worthwhile.  Maybe someday the 3-D Film Archive will strike a new print in pristine 4K with proper 3-D.   Till then, I’d say stick with the flat version.  

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: THE EQUALIZER 3 (2023) *** ½

The opening action sequence of The Equalizer 3 contains what could possibly be the greatest gun punch in cinema history.  Denzel Washington punches a gun in the face while holding a gun in his hand, and the barrel goes through the dude’s eye.  THEN Denzel pulls the trigger.  I knew right then and there I was in for something special.  

We catch up with Denzel, who is now in Sicily healing up from a bullet wound.  Naturally, he tries to rush his recovery and more than one of the locals tells him to “go slower”.  I think that was director Antoine Fuqua’s policy too.  And I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I’m not saying the movie goes slower in a “moves like molasses” way.  I’m saying it goes slower like someone savoring every bite of a good meal.  After three Equalizer films together, Fuqua probably knows this is his and Denzel’s last go round, so they’re taking their time with this entry.  

Sure, his character is older and slower too, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still kick ass.  It’s just that time might be catching up with him.  And when your time is fast approaching, the only way to fight against it is to slow it down. 

As Denzel rests, he gets to know the people of the town.  He thinks he could settle down in a place like this.  Predictably, some local hot shot gangster wannabes harass the townsfolk and shopkeepers and try to run them out of town.  It’s then up to Denzel to set things right. 

The Equalizer 3 is a modern updating of the old gunslinger’s last stand motif with a small Sicilian village filling in for a Wild West town.  After the showstopping opening, things remain quiet, but powerful throughout.  This is a case where less is actually more.  We are witnessing a man craving peace and he only turns to his old ways to achieve it.  What makes the movie special is that he’s not seeking retribution, just a nice place to settle down.  He’s not out for vengeance.  Just peace and quiet.  I liked that.  The finale kind of sneaks up on you too, if only because the scenes of Washington being welcomed into the town work so well.  Things end not with a big action sequence, but with a long drawn-out scene of the bad guy suffering.  Some viewers might’ve been hoping for something closer to the Home Depot massacre of the first film, but for this entry (and possibly the series), it’s a fitting end. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MOVING TARGET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Don “The Dragon” Wilson kicks ass in Ireland in what could’ve easily been called The Bloodfist of Inisherin.  Okay, not really.  All jokes aside, for my money, this is one of his best. 

Anyway, Don goes all the way to the Emerald Isle to meet an internet date (Eileen McClosky).  She sends him out for beer, and he walks out with a six-pack, and wouldn’t you know it?  Some creep tries to kickbox him in the parking lot for it.  Since this is The Dragon we’re talking about here, he wins handily.  However, this guy’s boss REALLY wants the six-pack and guns down Don’s pen pals’ coworkers to get a line on Don’s location.  Turns out, there’s some nuclear detonators hidden inside the beer (!) and everyone and their grandma wants to get their hands on them. 

I swear, only Irishmen or high school seniors would go through this much trouble for a sixer. 

Apparently, this is a remake of Bloodfist 4, but with a six-pack of beer as the McGuffin instead of a box of chocolates.  It’s from the same writer/director, Paul Ziller, who got a lot of mileage out of the change of scenery.  (Not to mention all the internet dating stuff.)

I have to say I liked this one a lot better than Bloodfist 4, if only for the scenic setting, the goofy tone, and loosey-goosey vibe.  Sure, the plot chases its tail a bit, and there’s maybe one too many double-crosses during the third act, but the film is chockfull of scenes of Wilson kicking lots of people in the face, which is all that really matters in something like this.  It also helps that Ziller is more than adept at staging all the Kung Fu fights and shootouts.

This was the final collaboration between Wilson and producer Roger Corman, and I say they went out with a bang. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NO TOMORROW (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Master P directs and stars in this star-studded, late era, PM Entertainment action flick.  Trying to keep track of the plot and characters is liable to give you vertigo.  Master P is a street level arms dealer who has beef with an international arms dealer played by Gary Busey.  Pam Grier is the Fed who wants to arrest Busey.  Gary Daniels is a meek office worker who gets roped into some shady computer scheme with his sleazy co-worker (Jeff Fahey).  Little does he know Daniels is working undercover.  When Daniels winds up saving Busey’s life during a high-speed pursuit, he repays him by making him a part of his crew.  Oh, and since Master P directed it, there’s a random rap sequence. 

The opening is great.  Master P busts up an arms deal by showing off the latest model of flamethrower/rocket launcher and blowing up and/or burning and/or blowing up AND burning dozens of henchmen.  Now, I don’t know how PRACTICAL a combination flamethrower and rocket launcher is, but it certainly LOOKS cool.  Sadly, this is the only time in the movie when someone uses the weapon. 

The plot is messy (Master P’s scenes feel like they came out of an entirely different movie), and they do the PM trend of inserting action sequences from other movies and passing them off as their own.  (Most notably, Air America).  Some fun can be gleaned from watching the cast do their thing.  (Although Grier is kind of wasted as she spends most of her screen time in a call center sitting at a desk and wearing a headset which makes her look like a Time-Life operator.)  However, much of the film’s wind gets knocked out of its sails once Fahey exits the picture about halfway through.  I don’t know.  Maybe another couple dozen henchmen served up well done by Master P's flamethrower would’ve put this over the top to a *** rating.  It certainly couldn’t have hurt.