LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO VS. DOCTOR DEATH (1973) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 27th, 2021)

A thief sneaks into a museum and vandalizes a valuable painting.  An expert is brought in to restore the work of art and deems it to be a fake.  In reality, he’s in league with the ring of thieves who plan to sell it on the black market and make a fortune.  Stymied, Interpol brings in El Santo to bring the thieves down. 

I tend to find El Santo’s non-horror and sci-fi films to be among his lesser work, and despite the great title, Santo vs. Doctor Death has only the slightest horror trappings.  The scenes of sexy women in flimsy negligees walking down hidden passageways and catacombs are about all we get.  The movie is particularly sluggish whenever our masked hero isn’t on screen.  The art heist stuff is well-filmed, but mostly dull.  The same goes for the stuff with the Interpol agents.  We do get a pretty good car chase and the helicopter vs. boat finale is well done, although it is ultimately too little too late.  The ladies in the cast are all easy on the eyes though. 

Santo vs. Doctor Death is one of the few movies El Santo made away from his native Mexico.  It is also the only film he made in Spain.  The change of scenery is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it may be a tad on the slow side, it is one of his best-looking flicks.  The cinematography is excellent and there are moments that look like they would be right at home in a Bond rip-off.  However, El Santo is usually at his best when he was working with guys who really knew how to utilize his talents, and this Spanish crew just can’t seem to do that.

The three wrestling scenes are OK.  Like the rest of the movie, they look slicker than usual.  The bulk of them are filmed in an empty auditorium, which is surprisingly effective.  Seeing the matches taking place in a mostly black void (complete with obviously phony canned crowd sound effects) is just odd enough to make them memorable. 

AKA:  Santo Strikes Again.  AKA:  Masked Man Strikes Again.  AKA:  Dr. Death.  AKA:  The Saint vs. Dr. Death.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2014)

Mardi Gras Massacre plays like a lost Herschell Gordon Lewis movie as it’s basically a loose remake of Blood Feast. The difference is the psycho in this one kills women and offers them as sacrifices to an Aztec god; not an Egyptian one. Big difference.

A crazy rich dude wanders into various New Orleans bars and strip clubs looking for the most “evil” hooker he can find. Once he finds his prey, he brings her home and ties her spread eagle on a sacrificial altar. Because he likes to wear a long robe and a weird mask, they just think he’s kinky. They never expect he’s going to actually cut their heart out. It’s then up to a cop (who’s dating a hooker that’s just bound to be the killer’s next victim) to stop him.

Like many a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, Mardi Gras Massacre features static camerawork, stilted acting, and cheesy (yet highly entertaining) gore set pieces. Everything in between the gore-drenched sequences is pretty shoddy technically (there are a lot of jump cuts) and many dialogue scenes go on far too long. The production values are about on par with a porno from the time, which gives the film a reasonable amount of charm.

I’m not going to lie; this movie is rough going in places. The pacing is uneven, most of the acting is lousy, the ending is terrible, and you’re liable to fall asleep on some parts. However, there is enough scenes of hookers getting naked, hearts being ripped out, and disco dancing to qualify Mardi Gras Massacre as a fun ‘70s time capsule.

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL (2024) ***

Late Night with the Devil has an irresistible hook.  Jack Delroy (David Dastmalchian) is a fading late night talk show host desperate for ratings.  To boost viewership, he decides to book a supposedly possessed young girl for his Halloween show.  After bringing out a psychic (whose routine ends with projectile vomiting), the little girl is brought on stage and the Linda Blair-inspired antics ensue. 

This is a pretty good vehicle for David Dastmalchian.  He’s long been a dependable supporting/character actor.  Here’s he’s handsome enough to be a believable talk show host, but he carries a certain sadness in his eyes that suggests there's more going on beneath the surface.  (Which, of course, there is.)  Dastmalchian has charisma to burn as well, and commands the screen for the entire running time, even when the film itself begins to spin its wheels. 

The best moments occur during the “live” broadcast, which is filmed on old videotape and features plenty of horrendous polyester fashions. The black and white sequences of the behind-the-scenes chaos during the commercial breaks are less successful.  Also, the long scene near the end where the film drops its 4:3 television format and cuts to a more cinematic ratio could’ve been trimmed back some.  (I know this will be streaming soon, but the vintage TV aesthetic looked great on the big screen.)  However, whenever it hews close to its ‘70s-inspired live TV look, it’s rather effective. 

It helps that directors Cameron and Colin Cairnes actually deliver the goods when it comes to the exorcism sequence.  I won’t spoil what happens or exactly how it happens.  I’ll just say I’ve seen enough of these kinds of Found Footage movies where the filmmakers cop out at the end and never show what happened.  (I’m looking at you, Blair Witch.)  This one is pretty definitive. 

Ideally, this would’ve worked best with an hour-long running time (the length of the actual broadcast) as some of the padding is hit-and-miss.  There’s still plenty of good stuff along the way (like the file footage of a Satanic cult that is a fairly spot-on recreation of Satanis, starring Anton LeVay).  Hopefully, this will be a successful calling card for Dastmalchian, who deserves a breakout thanks to his fun performance.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAN THE SADIST VIDEOS! 2 (2006) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2017)

(NOTE:  This documentary was included on the Night of the Demon Blu-Ray)

David Gregory’s informative and absorbing follow-up to his Video Nasties documentary, Ban the Sadist Videos! focuses on the BBFC, the British Board of Film Censorship.  Thanks to their chronic nitpicking of gory and violent images in horror movies, Britain becomes the most censored nation in the free word.  The head censor in charge, James Ferman, takes to his job all too well, gleefully cutting stuff out of movies as he sees fit.  In actuality, the things he found objectionable (like throwing stars, nunchucks, blood on female flesh, etc.) seems pretty arbitrary.   

Gregory also shows how the British government used Video Nasties (mostly thanks to the country’s sensationalized tabloids) as the public scapegoat for violent real-life incidents.  The infamous Bulger case, where two boys killed a toddler, is blamed on Child’s Play 3, even though the kids never even saw the movie!  There is then a movement to further crackdown on horror films, which leads to an unlikely champion in Ferman, who winds up defending them. 

There are a couple of interesting side notes here, like the rise of the black market for movies without certificates.  I also enjoyed seeing the logistics of putting censorship into action (the board has to go back and watch thousands of videos that have already been released, leading to a huge backlog).  Gregory also does a side-by-side comparison of Evilspeak and its eventual censored version.  I wish there were more of these comparisons, because seeing the actual cut footage gives you a good idea of what the censors found objectionable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAN THE SADIST VIDEOS! (2005) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2017)

(NOTE:  This documentary was included on the Night of the Demon Blu-Ray)

David Gregory is one of the great horror film documentarians of our time.  A director of several behind-the-scenes DVD special features, he has been entertaining and informing for decades, giving us in-depth documentaries on some of the most popular horror movies ever made.  With Ban the Sadist Videos, Gregory gives us a comprehensive look at Britain’s crackdown on horror videos in the ‘80s. 

Gregory begins with a glimpse of just how wide open the video market was in the early ‘80s.  Since the major studios were a little slow on the uptake, independent companies were able to flood the market with exploitation titles like Last House on the Left, I Spit on Your Grave, and Cannibal Holocaust.  Video stores were practically everywhere at the time, so these films were readily available to just about anyone.  Soon, moral crusaders took it upon themselves to ban the movies in an effort to “save the children”.  This led to a government crackdown on violent videos and police raids on mom and pop video stores, which gave the videos instant worldwide notoriety. 

In America, we didn’t have this sort of hubbub.  Our battle was mostly with the MPAA who cut out all the nasty bits before the movie could even be released.  As a Yank, I found this documentary to be highly informative, but the real reason to see it is for all the cool archive footage of the old video stores and seeing goriest snippets of the films in question.  I also enjoyed the interviews with filmmakers like Jess Franco, Wes Craven, and Dario Argento, who talk about how it feels to have your work censored.  I just wish there was more footage of them because most of the directors interviewed take the censorship kind of personally.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FRATERNITY OF HORROR (1964) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Fraternity of Horror is a previously unreleased movie made by the producers of Night of the Demon when they were just starting out.  It was also directed by none other than Rocky Jones himself, Richard Crane.  It can be found among the many extras on Severin’s Blu-Ray release of Night of the Demon as a bonus feature.  It’s not great, but it certainly has its moments. 

A fraternity readies to scare the bejabbers out of their new prospective pledges (and their dates) during a late-night scavenger hunt inside of a makeshift haunted house during hell week.  Once the pledges arrive at the mansion, they eventually realize they are not alone.  Then, things get REALLY weird.

The college prank set-up reminded me a little bit of Ring of Terror and some of the haunted house shenanigans are reminiscent of Monsters Crash the Pajama Party.  The opening fraternity party scene is a lot of fun too.  A band named The Spinners (no, not those Spinners) does a great song called “Watusi Woman” while a sorority sister shakes her moneymaker on stage.  Crane gives us a couple of effective moments along the way too, like the sudden appearance of a severed head.  

The plot takes a wacky turn near the end, and it almost becomes an entirely different movie by the final reel.  I won’t spoil what happens.  All I’ll say is that the plot twist is so random that you’ll either go with it or you won’t.  (I went with it because, why not?)  However, some of the tension that Crane managed to build up is lost since so many of the scenes inside the haunted house are so darkly lit that it’s hard to see much of anything. 

Surprisingly enough, this wound up making for a decent double feature with Night of the Demon as the film’s monster sort of resembles Demon’s Bigfoot creature.  (Although it honestly looks more like the Bigfoot from Shriek of the Mutilated.)  While the filmmakers were obviously destined for bigger and better projects, Fraternity of Horror is a nice little indicator of things to come.  

ULTIMATE SENSUAL MASSAGE (1991) **

Playboy Video released this guide to couples' massage.  I’m not sure how informative it really is, seeing how it mostly exists as softcore filler, and even then, it fails as being very arousing.  Still, there’s some big unintentional laughs to be had, so it might be worth a look if you’re a fan of cheesy, dated, erotica. 

The first segment is called “Awakening” (**).  A couple stay at a B & B and the offscreen narrator/instructor tells us about the joys of waking up a loved one with a massage.  Our narrator recommends using an ostrich feather to add to the stimulation… because we all know people have ostrich feathers just hanging around their B & B. 

“Rejuvenation” (**) is up next.  After a day on the slopes, a couple come back to their cabin and give each other massages in front of the fireplace.  This sequence spends a lot of time on foot massages.  If you’re into that sort of thing, you might want to add an extra star to the rating.  This one didn’t do much for me, however.  There is one funny bit where the woman holds her lover’s ankle and pulls him up like a wheelbarrow though, and the narration (“KNEED the Gluteus Maximus”) is good for a laugh. 

In “Sensations” (**), a couple on the beach (an obvious set) apply suntan lotion to one another, which turns into a nude massage.  Our narrator lets us know that suntan lotion works just as well as massage oil.  We’re also told that you can use your feet on your partner’s back.  I mean, that might work at home, but on the beach?  You’d be covered in sand!  Oh, and I am all for exhibitionism.  However, I’m not sure that getting naked on the beach is a good idea, especially during tourist season.  The narration in this one is priceless too.  (“Remember:  A woman’s breasts are GLANDS not muscles!”)

Tenderness (**) is the fourth scene.  In this one, a couple give each other massages before bedtime.  Some of the massages include using chopping techniques, rotating the head and neck muscles, and temple massages.  I thought this segment was going to be beneficial and informative until the narrator suggested using something “mechanical” to assist you.  I thought they were talking about a vibrator, but when the woman brought out a heavy piece of machinery that looked a belt sander to use on her man’s back, I just had to laugh. 

“Seduction” (***) is the last and best sequence.  A couple standing on a cliff (it looks like something out of a Harlequin romance novel) seduce each other with fruit and wine before moving on to sensual massages.  I was almost ready to zone out on this one until the scene where the male model pours wine on the woman and the male narrator says, “Use the nectar of the gods to lubricate your partner’s loins!”  I might have missed some other good bits because I was laughing so hard at that line.  All in all, this scene isn’t exactly “hot”, but it is a laugh riot. 

Oh, I guess I should also mention the tape has two narrators, which is the big problem.  The woman narrator is informative and has a sexy voice.  The male narrator on the other hand sounds exactly like the voice on those DVD lens cleaners.  That is to say he sounds very jarring and his robotic tone ruins whatever romantic mood the filmmakers had set.  In fact, some of the music sounds like it came from one of those DVD lens cleaners. 

I’m really not sure why they thought this needed two narrators.  The lady did just fine on her own.  We definitely didn’t need the male narrator throwing cold water on the whole deal. 

Frankly, the tape isn’t really informative either.  Anyone who’s ever given their partner a massage could’ve figured all this out on their own.  You certainly won’t learn anything from this tape, that’s for sure.  Then again, it’s good for a couple of chuckles.  

AKA:  Playboy:  Ultimate Sensual Massage.