Playboy Video released this guide to couples' massage. I’m not sure how informative it really is, seeing how it mostly exists as softcore filler, and even then, it fails as being very arousing. Still, there’s some big unintentional laughs to be had, so it might be worth a look if you’re a fan of cheesy, dated, erotica.
The first segment is called “Awakening” (**). A couple stay at a B & B and the offscreen narrator/instructor tells us about the joys of waking up a loved one with a massage. Our narrator recommends using an ostrich feather to add to the stimulation… because we all know people have ostrich feathers just hanging around their B & B.
“Rejuvenation” (**) is up next. After a day on the slopes, a couple come back to their cabin and give each other massages in front of the fireplace. This sequence spends a lot of time on foot massages. If you’re into that sort of thing, you might want to add an extra star to the rating. This one didn’t do much for me, however. There is one funny bit where the woman holds her lover’s ankle and pulls him up like a wheelbarrow though, and the narration (“KNEED the Gluteus Maximus”) is good for a laugh.
In “Sensations” (**), a couple on the beach (an obvious set) apply suntan lotion to one another, which turns into a nude massage. Our narrator lets us know that suntan lotion works just as well as massage oil. We’re also told that you can use your feet on your partner’s back. I mean, that might work at home, but on the beach? You’d be covered in sand! Oh, and I am all for exhibitionism. However, I’m not sure that getting naked on the beach is a good idea, especially during tourist season. The narration in this one is priceless too. (“Remember: A woman’s breasts are GLANDS not muscles!”)
Tenderness (**) is the fourth scene. In this one, a couple give each other massages before bedtime. Some of the massages include using chopping techniques, rotating the head and neck muscles, and temple massages. I thought this segment was going to be beneficial and informative until the narrator suggested using something “mechanical” to assist you. I thought they were talking about a vibrator, but when the woman brought out a heavy piece of machinery that looked a belt sander to use on her man’s back, I just had to laugh.
“Seduction” (***) is the last and best sequence. A couple standing on a cliff (it looks like something out of a Harlequin romance novel) seduce each other with fruit and wine before moving on to sensual massages. I was almost ready to zone out on this one until the scene where the male model pours wine on the woman and the male narrator says, “Use the nectar of the gods to lubricate your partner’s loins!” I might have missed some other good bits because I was laughing so hard at that line. All in all, this scene isn’t exactly “hot”, but it is a laugh riot.
Oh, I guess I should also mention the tape has two narrators, which is the big problem. The woman narrator is informative and has a sexy voice. The male narrator on the other hand sounds exactly like the voice on those DVD lens cleaners. That is to say he sounds very jarring and his robotic tone ruins whatever romantic mood the filmmakers had set. In fact, some of the music sounds like it came from one of those DVD lens cleaners.
I’m really not sure why they thought this needed two narrators. The lady did just fine on her own. We definitely didn’t need the male narrator throwing cold water on the whole deal.
Frankly, the tape isn’t really informative either. Anyone who’s ever given their partner a massage could’ve figured all this out on their own. You certainly won’t learn anything from this tape, that’s for sure. Then again, it’s good for a couple of chuckles.
AKA: Playboy: Ultimate Sensual Massage.
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