LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMMANUELLE 5 (1987) ***

“EMMANUELLE APRIL”

FORMAT:  VHS

NOTE:  For the Let’s Get Physical column, I wanted to devote the month of April to the official Emmanuelle series and the unofficial Black Emanuelle franchise.  As you can see, April is almost over, and I am running behind with the Let’s Get Physical column, as per usual.  However, I have plenty of Emmanuelle VHS and DVD’s and Severin’s The Sensuous World of Black Emanuelle Blu-Ray set sitting on my “To Be Watched Shelf”, so just consider this month “Emmanuelle April” and next month “E-MAY-nuelle.” 

Monique Gabrielle takes over for Sylvia Kristel (and, Mia Nygren, I guess) for the fifth installment in the durable Emmanuelle franchise.  Producer Alain Siritzky had the right idea to hire Immoral Tales’ Walerian Borowcyk to direct an Emmanuelle movie.  Apparently, he didn’t hit it off with Gabrielle, so much of it was handled by his assistants.  Then, when producer Roger Corman got ahold of it for American distribution, he had Steve Barnett add new footage and re-edit the film.  Looking at the finished product, it’s obvious it was passed through many hands.  Still, Gabrielle gets naked a LOT, which smooths out many of the film’s rough edges. 

Our tale begins at the Cannes Film Festival where Emmanuelle (Gabrielle) has just starred in a controversial movie called “Love Express”.  She catches the eye of a sheik (“He makes Darth Vader look like Mother Teresa!”) who lures her to his country under the guise of a movie premiere.  Actually, he wants to kidnap her and make her a part of his harem.  It’s then up to Emmanuelle’s nerdy photographer pal to rescue her. 

Emmanuelle 5 is definitely campier and sillier than the previous entries of the series.  That, it should be said, isn’t a bad thing, as it makes for an agreeable good time.  Whether it was Borowcyk, his assistants, or Barnett behind the camera, the playful atmosphere and sense of humor keeps it light and fun.  There’s a particularly great scene where the paparazzi rip Emmanuelle’s clothes off and chase her around Cannes, and the harem escape sequence would look right at home in a Jack Hill movie.  (Emmanuelle even takes a break during the escape for a little hanky-panky.)  Things kind of threaten to go off the rails with not one but two false endings, and the whole thing feels curiously unfinished.  

That said, this is an enjoyable vehicle for fans of Monique.  Picking up where Sylvia Kristel left off is a daunting task, but Gabrielle is up for the challenge.  She is game for just about anything (including seductively eating seafood) and has no qualms whatsoever about getting naked at the drop of a hat.  Because of that, I’d say it’s a totally worthwhile sequel.   

AKA:  Emmanuelle in the Harem.  

VAMPIRE TIME TRAVELERS: BITE HER IN THE BUTT! (1998) *

A female vampire sets out to avenge the death of her sister at the hands of some college sorority babes.  Since she’s been in a coffin so long, she is unable to sink her fangs into her victim’s necks.  She then must resort to biting them in a softer, cushier place… their butt. 

This shoddy Shot on Video horror-comedy starts with an opening crawl and what feels like the climax to another movie.  However, as far as I can tell, it’s not a sequel to anything.  There’s also a lot of flashbacks and dreams, which results in the film getting off to a rather confusing start.  Once the narrative finally settles down, things don’t exactly improve. 

Many of the attempts at humor are downright painful, just plain misguided, or flat-out unfunny.  There are Buffy the Vampire Slayer jokes, sketches that feel like filmed versions of Playboy comics panels, and scenes that feel like they were ripped off from Mad Magazine (like the part with the “batting average”).  You also have to suffer through weird asides (like the “Man Who Never Calls Back”), way too many obvious sight gags that fall flat, and all the stuff with the “Man in the Closet” is pretty irritating as well. 

Some of the rapid-fire editing, non-sequiturs, and repeated dialogue is reminiscent of Party Doll a Go-Go.  None of it really works though as it’s strictly amateur hour through and through.  The only sequence that flirts with being worthwhile is the Dune-inspired scene where a sorority pledge has to stick her hand in a box that houses a flesh-hungry blob. 

By the end, it just feels like it’s just making up new rules as it goes along.  That might not have been a bad thing if it was actually funny, but it gets increasingly annoying as it wears on.  Oh, and the whole “time traveling” aspect is a complete bait-and-switch which increases the frustration levels.  (At least someone gets their butt bit though.)

Cinematographer Dennis Devine went on to a solid low budget directing career helming the likes of Ouija Nazi and Axegrinder 5. 

AKA:  Vampire Time Travelers.

KILLER RACK (2015) ** ½

We all know Debbie Rochon is one of the hottest Scream Queens of all time.  However, what makes her a cut above the rest is the fact that she is essentially a character actor trapped in a leading lady’s body.  Much of the joy of watching her filmography comes from seeing how she is willing to ham it up and chew the scenery, all the while looking damned good.  That joy is what keeps what would otherwise be a hit and miss horror comedy like Killer Rack abreast… err… afloat. 

Yes, if you can’t already tell, this movie is about a pair of bloodthirsty boobs.  Murderous melons, if you will.  Terrifying ta-tas, even.  But I digress.

Betty (Jessica Zwolak) is a flat-chested woman who is tired of seeing her less qualified, big-boobed co-workers getting the promotions she deserves.  She’s also sick of getting taken for granted by her loser boyfriend.  So, she decides to get a boob job.  Unluckily for Betty, she goes to see Debbie, who plays a character named “Dr. Cate Thulu”, who gives her boobs that have a murderous mind of their own. 

There are some good moments here.  Sure, there are also plenty of moments that make your eyes roll (especially the stuff with the knowingly cliched detectives).  Then again, when you see Lloyd Kaufman playing a shrink, that kind of goes along with the territory.  Fortunately, director Gregory Lamberson (who also made Slime City Massacre with Debbie) keeps things moving at an acceptable clip. 

Naturally, the film loses a little steam when Debbie drops out of the narrative in the second act.  Still, there’s enough silliness (including one scene that cribs from The Blob remake) to keep you somewhat amused.  While it’s not a patch on the definitive killer boob movie, Mausoleum, if you’re a fan of Debbie’s, I’d say you’re in for a mostly enjoyable time. 

(Oh, and as a longtime Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, I dug seeing Betty’s boyfriend’s extensive MST3K DVD collection in the background during their argument scene.) 

SURVIVOR (2015) * ½

Milla Jovovich stars as a security expert working for the American Embassy in London.  Right away, she notices a lot of suspicious scientists have been coming into the country under her watch.  However, no red flags have been raised.  She then goes to her superiors who curtly dismiss her.  When she survives a bombing meant to silence her, Milla winds up being the prime suspect.  She then goes on the run and must clear her name before the baddies catch up to her. 

Director James McTeigue usually brings a sense of style to his films, as anyone who’s seen V for Vendetta or Ninja Assassin can attest.  Sadly, Survivor is a thoroughly bland and generic thriller.  Despite his presence behind the camera and the participation of Milla as the heroine and Pierce Brosnan (who looks bored) as the villainous bombmaker/master of disguise, it’s pretty much a dud from the first frame. 

It’s not bad enough that the plot is overly formulaic, but a lot of the movie just looks cheap.  Oftentimes, it feels like something your grandma would watch on Ion TV.  To make matters worse, the supposedly sad scene where Milla mourns the loss of her friends is unintentionally hilarious.  As she sits at her desk, she solemnly looks at their photo while stock footage of 9/11 is superimposed over it to hammer home the fact they died.  It’s totally amateurish. 

At least the flick has a good supporting cast.  Robert Forster, Dylan McDermott, Angela Bassett, and Roger Rees all appear, but they seem to be on autopilot.  Even the usually fetching Milla doesn’t seem to want to be there, and Brosnan is badly miscast as the bad guy.  The movie’s shorthand for “characterization” is sometimes amusing though.  For example, we know Milla doesn’t play by the rules because she rides a motorcycle to work.  Unfortunately, that’s about as deep as the screenplay gets.

IMMACULATE (2024) ***

Sydney Sweeney stars as a hot nun who travels to Italy to live in a convent that doubles as a hospice for old dying nuns.  She isn’t there but a day or two before she’s having disturbing dreams and puking at inopportune times.  That can mean only one thing:  She’s pregnant with Jesus 2.0. 

Immaculate is kind of like a nunsploitation version of Rosemary’s Baby.  Actually, it’s more like the antithesis of Rosemary’s Baby.  Either way you look at it (and I’ll try not to delve too deeply as not to spoil the best moments), there’s some good shit here.  In addition to that Polanski classic, the film also draws inspiration/rips off one of the most memorable scenes from Mark of the Devil.  It’s like I always say:  If you’re going to steal from someone, steal from the best. 

Immaculate is a great vehicle for Sweeney.  I mean we have one of the hottest women in the biz playing a sexy pregnant nun?  What more could I ask from Hollywood?  She delivers a fantastic performance too.  Her final moments are especially memorable as she switches gears from nubile nun to horror movie Final Girl in a blink of an eye.  In lesser hands, this sudden switch could’ve been comical, but Sydney plays it to the hilt, making you really root for her. 

The film straddles the line between tasteful and tastelessness.  I kind of wish it dipped its toe a little more into the latter at times.  That said, you know you’re in store for a good time when five minutes into the movie you see Sydney Sweeney dressed in a nun’s habit sitting on the toilet peeing.  If that doesn’t scream “Instant Recommendation”, I don’t know what does. 

Oh, and I guess I should mention I saw this during the film’s brilliant marketing gimmick where they sold tickets for $6.66.  (Unfortunately, it came to $6.99 with tax, but oh well.)  I can’t say Immaculate was great exactly, but it was certainly worth each and every one of those 666 pennies.

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING (2023) *** ½

Tobacco Force is a superhero team who fights monsters and aliens by combining their forces to give the beasts cancer.  Although they just scored a decisive victory against a turtle monster, their boss (a drooling rat) sends them off to a retreat for a mandatory team building exercise.  There, they tell each other scary campfire stories to pass the time and ultimately have to confront what possibly could be the end of the world. 

Smoking Causes Coughing is another slice of certified cinematic craziness from Quentin (Rubber) Dupieux.  It’s a weird amalgam of inspirations, and yet somehow, it always feels refreshingly original.  It’s simultaneously a foul-mouthed, blood-soaked send-up of Japanese Tokusatsu and a gory tribute to Tales from the Crypt.  This kind of out-there mash-up is bound to be uneven, but the film’s refusal to be classifiable (even though it proudly wears its influences on its sleeve) is rather amusing. 

The first of the bizarre campfire stories is a tale about a woman who puts on a “thinking helmet” and realizes her husband and friends are no longer of any use to her and decides to kill them.  This one has a Cronenbergian type feel to it and features some good gore.  The next involves a man who becomes subject of a horrific workplace accident, but still manages to keep his spirits up despite his ghoulish predicament. This one is admirable for the way Dupieux continues to up the ante (way) past its obvious conclusion.

Overall, Smoking Causes Coughing is slight, but undeniable goofy fun.  Sure, the ending is kind of weak but at least Dupieux knew when to wrap things up.  Even at 77 minutes, it still feels a little on the long side.  However, there are more than a handful of hilariously over the top moments that easily make it a must-see for people who think they’ve seen it all.   

GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE (2024) ****

Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire is one of the best Monsterverse flicks.  It’s also one of the best Godzilla and/or Kong movies ever made.  The secret is that the human to monster ratio is about a 1.5:1, which is damn near perfect if you ask me.  Not only that, but the human drama propels the monster plot forward instead of stops it in its tracks, which is often the case in these things.  It also helps that the film is chockfull of kick-ass kaiju donnybrooks and giant ape slobberknockers. 

The plot is not necessary, but I’ll give it a whirl anyway.  Godzilla has awakened from his slumber (he’s been using the Coliseum in Rome the way a cat uses a pet bed) and seems to be powering himself up for an ominous cause.  Meanwhile, King Kong travels to the unexplored depths of the “Hollow Earth” looking for the last of his species.  He gets more than he bargained for when he comes face to face with the evil ape, Skar King who wants to lead his army of mad monkeys back to the surface so he can rule the world. 

Although Godzilla is somewhat sidelined for much of the picture, he does get to fight a giant sea serpent (as does Kong).  Once the King of the Monsters finally crosses paths with Kong, it leads to a great confrontation at the pyramids that plays like a giant monster version of the alley fight in They Live.  (No, seriously.  There’s even a “Rowdy” Roddy Piper-inspired suplex.)  The finale is one for the books.  It’s an all-out four-way tag-team brawl that begins with a terrific prelude featuring our monsters battling in zero gravity before touching down on Earth for some of the goofiest kaiju fight choreography since Godzilla vs. Megalon. 

That is to say, I loved every second of it. 

Oh, and did I mention Kong goes to the dentist?  When’s the last time you saw a giant ape have oral surgery in a movie?  Or that he gets a robot arm?  I mean, what’s not to love about this flick?  Sure, Kong may get more screentime than his co-star, but neither monster has a wasted moment (I liked the scenes of Kong bonding with a little ape dude), and we… shocker… care about what happens to both of them.  

This is about as far as you can get from last year’s instant classic Godzilla Minus One in terms of tone, style, and well… everything.  And that is perfectly OK.  Godzilla’s filmography is vast enough to embrace both approaches.  It’s a helluva great time to be a Godzilla (and Kong) fan.