LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DIRTY BLONDES FROM BEYOND (2012) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 1st, 2013)

On the planet Byfrexia, the evil Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) has made a machine that creates dangerous storms that threaten the planet.  Her ship attacks Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) and she escapes to Earth with her loyal bodyguard (Jazy Berlin) in tow.  A drunk sees their ship land and reports it to the authorities and two agents investigate.  Meanwhile the alien babes have never seen an Earth man before, and they become intrigued with their “third leg”.

There’s lots of special effects in Dirty Blondes from Beyond (besides the silicone that is).  The CGI space battles are brief, but they are well done on a miniscule budget.  (There’s even a spaceship chase through an asteroid field.)  But although the effects look like a million bucks (okay, half a million), they aren’t enough to save the movie.

When you watch a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie, you at least expect to get a few laughs from it.  I’ll admit, I did get a chuckle over the twist ending where we learn the alien ships run on vibrators, but it’s actually funnier seeing the female cast struggling through the jargon-filled exposition dialogue.  But for the most part, Dirty Blondes from Beyond suffers from a been there-done that feeling.  

Although the film is fairly watchable, the lack of quality sex scenes knocks it down a notch.  There’s a decent Rackley-Berlin scene that features some nice scissoring action, as well as a good Erika Jordan-Christine Nguyen coupling, but other than that; the rest of the sex scenes are pretty weak.  (The Guy on Girl scenes are especially disappointing.)  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE VAMPIRE’S SEDUCTION (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Tina Krause stars as the sexy vampire babe “Dracoola”.  She’s thirsty for blood and commands a nerdy descendant of Van Helsing (John Paul Fedele) to supply her with lesbians.  He then runs out and spends most of the movie spying on women showering, watching girls experimenting at a slumber party, catching sexy doctors seducing their patients, and peeping on pizza delivery boys receiving lap dances.  

The Vampire’s Seduction is basically an updating of the old nudie cutie trope of a nerdy guy spying on hot women in the nude.  As such, it works pretty well as the nude scenes are plentiful and fun.  However, it could’ve been even hotter if the irritating “Wally Van Helsing” wasn’t such a boner killer.  His monkey business gets old fast.  That said, the slumber party sequence is a real winner.  It involves everything from spankings to candle wax to Jell-O.  If only someone could make a “Phantom Edit” of this and remove Wally the same way they erased Jar Jar from The Phantom Menace.  Then this would easily be a Four-Star affair.  One can dream.

Directed by John (Erotic Survivor) Bacchus, The Vampire’s Seduction is very uneven.  The comedy crap is downright agonizing sometimes, but if you can make it past that shit, you’ll be treated to some damned fine T & A.  And let’s face it.  That’s the only reason we’re watching it.  

Fans of Tina Krause should be pleased as she looks great while wearing a vampire cape and little else.  Too bad all she gets to do is bark orders at the annoying Wally.  Debbie Rochon also appears as a surly waitress, but she doesn’t have much to do either.  Fortunately, the lesser-known models and actresses are up to the challenge and their constant disrobing and nude shenanigans make the whole thing worthwhile.  

A sequel, Vampire Vixens, followed. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MISTY’S SECRET (2000) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Misty Mundae takes a bath while Tina Krause combs her hair in the nude.  Then they hop in the tub together and Misty washes Tina’s back.  Eventually, she seduces Tina.  So far, so great.  Meanwhile, Ruby Larocca comes to New York and visits the Empire State Building.  Later, while alone in her friend’s apartment, she performs a striptease at the window and plays with herself.  

Misty’s Secret is a fine film, yet I found it a little frustrating.  I mean, it features Misty, Tina, and Ruby naked, so it’s pretty much critic-proof, but still.  I mean after the movie was over, I had like… sooo… many questions.  First off, what’s up with Ruby taking her clothes off all by her lonesome and never interacting with either Misty or Tina?  Were they just unused scenes from an uncompleted movie that were tacked on to boost the running time?  Or is there a deeper meaning to it all?

Oh, and what’s up with the “Necktie Killer”?  Is he there to show how fate can arbitrarily snuff out love before it has time to blossom?  Or is he a moral crusader there to stop an “unnatural” relationship?  We never really learn one way or the other.

Oh… and most importantly… WHAT THE HELL IS MISTY’S SECRET?  She doesn’t say a word the whole movie.  What secrets is she keeping?  Argh. 

Since Misty spends 80% of her screen time naked and 90% of that time in the bathtub, these questions are mostly irrelevant.  (Maybe Misty’s secret is how to avoid wearing clothing.)  In fact, Misty spends so much time in the tub I was afraid the poor girl was going to turn into a prune.  

I think they have a name for movies that are ambiguous, full of unanswered riddles, and contain massive amounts of nudity:  Art film.  And as far as art films go, I’d say Misty’s Secret is Oscar worthy, if only for the massive amounts of nudity. 

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (2024) ** ½

Following up Mad Max:  Fury Road was an unenviable task.  I won’t lie.  There are certainly moments in Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga that flirts with the greatness of that film.  However, these moments are often fleeting and followed by long frustrating stretches.  If Fury Road was a breathlessly paced affair, then Furiosa has a tendency to hold its breath.  A lot. 

This is a prequel following Charlize Theron’s character, Furiosa.  We see how she grew up and came to be in Immortan Joe’s army.  And more importantly, how she lost her arm. 

This is all well and fine, but Furiosa is sorely lacking the dynamic center that makes a Mad Max movie work.  Namely, uh… Mad Max.  Theron had no trouble carrying her share of Fury Road, and one could only imagine how much better this could’ve been with her in the driver’s seat.  Sadly, we are saddled with Anya Taylor-Joy, who just isn’t quite up to the task as she seems much to waifish to be an action heroine. 

The biggest issue though is with the movie’s structure.  The story is told in five acts, only three of which were really necessary.  There are also some time jumps that are oddly placed.  Because of that, it’s missing the urgency of the other pictures.  I mean, it’s hard to put the pedal to the metal when the narrative is starting and sputtering.  Maybe Taylor-Joy could’ve made a better impression if she didn’t show up till about the fifty-minute mark.   

I don’t want to seem like I’m too down on Furiosa because when it cooks, it sizzles.  The first act finds director George Miller digging into western iconography as several moments have the feel of a John Ford movie. The big “War Rig” sequence harkens back to the Road Warrior days, and he gives us some memorable touches along the way (like the parachute dudes).  The finale is solid too, but it’s much too uneven and overlong (it’s over two and a half hours) to really gel as a whole.  Ultimately it just feels more like a collection of footnotes leading up to Fury Road than an honest prequel. 

Chris Hemsworth is funny as Dementus, the villain.  With his beak nose and squawking delivery, he seems like a post-nuke version of the Cocoa Puffs bird.  His motorcycle chariot is by far the most unique and bizarre touch in the film.  My favorite new character was “Octoboss”, although like most henchmen, he only has a few cool moments to shine before being dispatched. 

It’s Hemsworth who gets the best line when he says, “When things go bonkers, you got to adapt!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER PART 2 (1998) ** ½

Chelsea Mundae toplined the first Going Under.  For this sequel, her more famous sister, Misty takes the lead role.  This was in Misty’s pre-Seduction Cinema era when she had short hair and tattoos.  So, if you like seeing Misty in her early days getting the shit chloroformed out of her, you should enjoy it. 

This time out, the chloroforming creep (once again played by writer/director William Hellfire) brings sexy Misty back to his pad.  Not even five minutes into the date and he’s bringing out the chloroform and seeing how much she can take before she passes out.  Later, he unties another captive (Amanda Star) and forces her to join in on the chloroforming shenanigans. 

Despite the presence of a bigger star, the stakes and scope seem smaller this time out.  Overall, it feels more like a remake of the original instead of a sequel, only with the slightest of variations.  (For example, the killer holds the girls at knifepoint instead of using a gun.)  It’s also shorter, slighter, and unfortunately, more amateurish.  In fact, it feels like a step down in quality from Going Under in just about every department.  (There is more nudity this time out though, which sort of helps.)

Now that I got that off my chest, I have to say Going Under Part 2 certainly has its moments.  Say what you will about it, but the “chloroform in the panties” scene is mighty effective.  Other than that memorable bit, there’s really nothing here that approaches the fun of the opening scene in the first film.  

Fortunately, the forty-two minute running time flies by.  The presence of Misty alone makes it a must-see in my book, even if it’s not one of her best vehicles.  Plus, the healthy dose of nudity ensures that the audience, unlike the characters in the film, won’t be nodding off.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GOING UNDER (1998) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Chelsea Mundae (Misty Mundae’s real-life sister) and her gal pal Leslie Loves rent a horror movie and make fun of it, Mystery Science Theater-style.  Little do they know a real killer (writer/director William Hellfire) is lurking inside the house.  He gets the drop on the girls and makes them chloroform each other at gunpoint.  Eventually, they pass out and the wacko ties the girls up and prepares to do them even more harm. 

Going Under is essentially a fetish video for a fetish I didn’t know existed.  Girls being tied up?  I get that.  Girls being forced to chloroform each other against their will?  Well… that’s a new one on me.  Now, far be it from me to kink shame, but speaking as someone who was unaware of this fetish, I have to say, it’s all handled reasonably well.  I mean, if this is what you’re in to, then you will undoubtedly get your rocks off from this movie. 

It helps that Hellfire manages to bring an element of suspense to the picture.  The early scenes of the heroines watching a slasher movie while the killer is right behind them play like a SOV version of Scream.  This sequence is surprisingly effective and nicely sets the tone for what’s to come.  Even though it is shot on video, it’s all fairly high quality as far as this stuff goes. 

The cast is better than expected too.  Writer/director/star William Hellfire is quite good as the creepy, cackling killer.  Chelsea and Leslie are equally strong as the seemingly capable captives who slowly bend to the will of their tormentor.  The short running time helps too, and you have to give Hellfire credit for not pointlessly dragging things out.  When your movie has such a thin (albeit novel) premise, it’s always a smart move to quit while you’re ahead. 

A sequel, starring Misty Mundae, soon followed.

THE STRANGE VICE OF MRS. WARDH (1971) *** ½

The beautiful Edwige Fenech stars as a diplomat’s wife who used to have a kinky relationship with the skeevy Ivan Rassimov.  While her husband is off doing diplomatic shit, she begins seeing a dashing playboy played by George Hilton.  Meanwhile, there’s a sex fiend running around slashing up women with a straight razor.  Chances are he’s probably one of the three men in Edwige’s life.  To make matters worse, the killer begins blackmailing Edwige, which could potentially ruin her husband’s good name. 

Edwige is one of the undisputed queens of sexy cinema.  If you enjoy her work, then you should definitely check out The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh as she delivers one of her best performances.  Fenech has many fine moments along the way.  Whether she’s getting rammed in the rain, banging on a bed of broken glass, or being boned in a boat, she has several high-quality nude and sex scenes. 

Directed by Sergio Martino, who also collaborated with Edwige on Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (there’s a scene where Fenech receives some flowers from an anonymous sender and the inscription on the card has that film’s title, which I guess makes for a loose duology), The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh is a top-notch giallo with plenty of touches to please fans of the genre.  In addition to delivering several solid murder sequences, Martino also gives us an excellent cat and mouse suspense scene set in a parking garage that has at least one dynamite jump scare.  The ending is genuinely surprising too, which is a lot more than I can say for these kinds of things.  Couple Martino’s slick, effective direction with the fetching performance by Fenech and you have yourself a real winner. 

AKA:  Don’t Be Afraid, Julie.  AKA:  Next!  AKA:  The Next Victim.  AKA:  Blade of the Ripper.