LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CHILD BRIDE (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

Kroger Babb produced this eye-opening, jaw-dropping Roadshow production. A crusading schoolteacher in a backwoods community tries to get the practice of underage marriage abolished. “Child Marriage must go!” She gets her square-jawed boyfriend to help her, and he even goes to the Governor about it. The hillbilly menfolk don’t take kindly to her jabbering and want to protect their right to statutory rape, so they put on hoods and kidnap her. They aim to tar and feather her, but she’s rescued by a dwarf (perennial dwarf actor Angelo Rossito) and the village idiot named Happy. The leader of the mob gets what he wants though by blackmailing his way into marrying little Jennie (Shirley Mills). Don’t sweat over them consummating the marriage, because everything gets worked out in the end as Jennie gets an impromptu divorce.

Like most Roadshow movies, this was sort of a bait and switch. It was advertised as anti-child marriage propaganda, but more time is spent on hillbilly drama than jailbait courting. ‘30s theatergoers sat through all the hillbilly shenanigans to see the much-publicized skinny dip by twelve-year-old Shirley Mills. The scene will actually disappoint perverts who dig that sort of thing because it’s actually filmed (SHOCK!) rather tastefully. This relic remains entertaining as all get out, both from a cult movie standing as well as an “Oh know they didn’t” viewpoint, and is recommended for everyone who thinks they’ve seen it all.

AKA: Child Brides. AKA: Child Bride of the Ozarks. AKA: Dust to Dust.

THE MYSTERIANS (1959) ***

A giant alien named Moguera comes to Earth causing destruction and wreaking havoc.  Its creators, the Mysterians, a race of aliens who wear cool motorcycle helmets on their heads, call off the monster and offer mankind a truce.  They say they won’t instigate war with the earthlings as long as they can mate with our women!  Well, we can’t have that now, can we!  Earth’s best scientists then set out to find a way to use the Mysterians’ advanced weapons of war against them. 

The Mysterians is a lot of fun, mostly because Moguera is a cool monster.  He has a robot body, a large anteater-like snout, and he shoots lasers from his glowing eyes.  I kind of wish he had a little more screen time, but luckily the flick continues to be quite entertaining even in his absence. 

Directed by Ishiro (Godzilla) Honda, The Mysterians is like getting three films for the price of one.  The first act is like your typical Japanese monster movie as it features Moguera doing some first-rate monster mashing.  The middle section plays like a goofy sci-fi flick full of cool aliens in spiffy colorful outfits.  Things more or less turn into a war picture by the end, and although some of the military action in the third act tends to get repetitive, it’s nevertheless a lot of fun.  Heck, even the human drama is fast-paced and engrossing. 

Akira Ifukube delivers another fine score too.  There are definitely elements of his iconic score to Godzilla at work here, but the music still has its own vibe and style.  Overall, any fan of kaiju cinema should check it out.  It’s another winner from Toho that may not be as well-known as Godzilla, but it definitely deserves a look. 

A sequel titled Battle in Outer Space followed. 

AKA:  Defense Force of Earth.  AKA:  Phantom 7000.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DELINQUENT PARENTS (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Shortly after WWI, a young couple are forced to give their daughter up for adoption.  Years later, the mother (Helen MacKellar) becomes a judge presiding over a juvenile court.  Meanwhile, Carol (Doris Weston), the daughter she gave away becomes infatuated with a boy who’s constantly in trouble with the law.  When her cousin gets jealous, she breaks the news that Carol was adopted.  Reeling from the revelation, she tries to make it on her own in the world and gets a job as a nightclub singer.  Carol soon gets mixed up with gangsters and the judge tries to help her out.  However, the question remains:  Will Carol learn the identity of her mother?

Directed by Nick Grinde (who went on to make a bunch of Boris Karloff thrillers), Delinquent Parents begins like a juvenile delinquent movie.  Since this was an early example of the genre, that means instead of teens running around town with leather jackets and switchblades, the teens just drink alcohol and jitterbug into the night.  Heathens! 

However, as the movie progresses, a funny thing begins to happen.  You start to care about the characters and get caught up in the drama.  I wasn’t expecting that from a set of films that featured wild-eyed reefer smokers and test tube babies.  

In fact, of all the films in the Exploitation Madness box set, Delinquent Parents feels the closest to an actual movie that a studio would put out, despite its low budget.  While it’s not nearly as tawdry as some of the flicks featured on the set, it’s briskly paced, well-acted, and entertaining.  Although the stuff involving the gangsters is wrapped up a little too pat, the drama between the judge and Carol is surprisingly compelling.  Their relationship is what makes this flick a cut above the rest and the bittersweet finale ends things on just the right note.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GAMBLING WITH SOULS (1936) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

A happily married woman named Mae (Martha Chapin) gets bored of dull bridge parties and gets sucked into the world of underground gambling. Slowly but surely, she becomes indebted to the seedy gangster Lucky Wilder (Wheeler Oakman) and she’s soon reduced to becoming an escort girl to pay off her gambling debts. Wilder also lures her sister into the gambling racket and when she ends up dead under mysterious circumstances, Mae guns down Lucky while the place gets raided by the cops. This flick is more realistic and believable and is more stylish than most “educational” exploitation fare of the time. It also has considerable skill in front and behind the camera, but that doesn’t necessarily make it “better”. The main problem with the film is that gambling isn’t as taboo or shocking as say sex and drugs. It’s also padded with too much footage of boxing, wrestling and chorus girls to boot. Oakman also starred in such Adults Only films as Escort Girl and Slaves in Bondage.

AKA: The Vice Racket.

THE BOOGEYMAN (2023) **

Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian) is a disturbed patient obsessed with the Boogeyman.  He comes to the home of widowed therapist, Dr. Harper (Chris Messina) for help.  Before his time is up, Lester hangs himself in a closet.  Soon, the doctor’s kids begin seeing the spectral Boogeyman lurking in their closet.  Naturally, dumbass dad doesn’t believe them, and it’s up to the kids to kill the Boogeyman once and for all. 

Directed by Rob Savage, this is a sharp U-Turn in terms of style and substance from his previous film, the manic minor classic Dashcam.  Too bad Savage couldn’t inject the picture with a little of Dashcam’s fun.  If any movie needed it, it was this one.

Based on a short story by Stephen King, The Boogeyman is a watchable, but watered-down PG-13 horror flick.  It’s definitely closer in tone to a Japanese horror movie as the Boogeyman looks like the offspring of Samara from The Ring and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.  (Hey, they’re both into rings, so it might work out for them.)  It doesn’t help that the titular monster is a lackluster CGI creation.  This Boogeyman is more like a bargain bin Babadook.  (And like many Japanese horror films, this is also one of those flicks where the appearance of mold on the wall is supposedly to be “scary”.) 

Despite a strong performance by Sophie Thatcher as Messina’s teenage daughter, atmospheric cinematography, and slick production values, The Boogeyman never quite comes together.  The small stretch that adapts the King story is fine, even though it ditches its memorable ending.  Whenever the filmmakers start spinning the story into their own directions (it was co-written by the writers of A Quiet Place), the movie falters. 

One thing is for sure, The Boogeyman will make you sleep with the lights on… as in you’ll probably start watching it with the lights on and then fall asleep before the movie is even over. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAMAGED LIVES (1933) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Donald (Lyman Williams) is an asshole workaholic who can’t quite find the time to marry his best gal Joan (Diane Sinclair). During a night on the town, he has a one-night stand with a hot-to-trot blonde.  After a wild evening of sin and fornication, Donald does what any guy with a guilty conscience would do:  Impulsively marry his girlfriend!  What he doesn’t know is that he contracted VD from his FWB and has now put his wife (and unborn child) at risk. 

Damaged Lives is an early film by Edgar G. (Detour) Ullmer.  It’s a mostly dull “social disease” movie that often takes itself way too seriously to be very much fun.  Usually, these scare pictures have to be over the top in order to… you know… scare the audience and/or get its message across.  (Take a look at Reefer Madness for a textbook example of how the pros do it.)  With Damaged Lives, it was almost as if Ullmer thought he was making a “real” movie.  Heck, even some misguided melodramatics would’ve been welcome. 

The acting runs the gamut from stilted to overdramatic.  When I say “overdramatic” I’m not talking the wild-eyed antics of the cast of Reefer Madness either. I mean they are community dinner theater reject bad. 

One memorable sequence comes late in the picture when a doctor takes our infected hero on a tour of a VD ward and shows him a variety of patients suffering from the ravages of syphilis and details how they contracted the ailment.  (So much for patient confidentiality!)  If the rest of the flick had this same sort of exploitative vibe, it might’ve been worthwhile.  Then again, it did come rather early in the social disease movie cycle, so maybe they just hadn’t worked the bugs out of the formula yet.

AKA:  The Kiss That Kills.  AKA:  The Shocking Truth.

SANDAHL BERGMAN’S BODY (1983) ****

As a fan of ‘80s celebrity workout videos, I’m surprised I had never seen Sandahl Bergman’s entry into the genre.  This was made a year after her breakout role in Conan the Barbarian and it’s one of the better celebrity workout videos out there.  That’s mostly due to her extensive background in dance.  Many of the exercises seem credible and effective, unlike some of the fluff routines you see in a lot of celebrity workout videos.  It almost certainly captures the crown for Best Title of a Celebrity Workout Video as Sandahl Bergman’s body is front and center for a full hour. 

The workout begins with an “All Over Warm-Up”, an energetic mix of cardio, dance, aerobics, and stretching exercises. “Posture and Balance” is next, and I think posture is an important aspect of fitness that few (if any) workout videos address.  It's touches like this that help make this video stand out from the rest of the pack.  “Stomach” involves an assortment of ab exercises such as crunches and sit-ups.  “Coordination” is a funky little dance exercise that almost resembles breakdancing.  “Buttocks and Thighs” involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and gyration of the hips, which is to say, it’s awesome.  You would think “Running” would be about… you know… running, but it looks more like a can-can number as Sandahl and her two shirtless boy toys hold hands and kick their legs most of the time.  “Ballet” is less an exercise and more of an excuse for Sandahl to show off some of her dance skills.  “Calves and Thighs” begins with Sandahl sitting in a chair Fonzie-style and kicking her feet and tapping her toes before standing up to perform some wild and sexy dance moves.  This high energy segment and is fun, mostly because Bergman is obviously really into it.  “Waist” is yet another glorified dance routine, but a rather entertaining one.  That’s followed by “Arms”, a routine that has Sandahl moving her arms in circular motions.  That doesn’t sound like it would be a must-see event, but she also bends over several times while wearing her skimpy leotard, which makes this exercise worth the price of admission.  “Heart and Lungs” is another dance-heavy cardio workout, and it’s a real winner thanks to some choice camera placement.  “Floor Stretch” is a golden opportunity for Sandahl to show the audience just how limber she is… and believe you me… she is LIMBER!

If there is a criticism, it’s that many of the exercises are pretty advanced.  Because of that, this might not be the best video for the casual beginner.  However, if you want to see Sandal Bergman’s body, then this certainly delivers on the title. 

Sandahl looks terrific throughout as she wears an assortment of spandex, short shorts, and of course, leg warmers.  (This was the ‘80s after all.)  The cameraman deserved an award too as he gives us some sterling shots of Sandahl Bergman’s body.  I mean why not?  That’s the name of the video!