LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HANGING JUDGE (1991) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Lorraine has horrible nightmares of a judge sentencing women to hang in a dilapidated barn.  She and her boyfriend, along with a ghost-hunting couple, decide to get to the bottom of the dreams by investigating the barn.  After about two minutes of looking around, they forget about ghost hunting, get drunk, and start canoodling.  After the friends find Lorraine hanging in the barn, they try their best to move on with their lives.  But will the evil spirits let them? 

The Hanging Judge was a custom-made W.A.V.E. movie.  That means the script was written by a fan who sent it into W.A.V.E. and Gary Whitson directed it for them.  Since it doesn’t follow any known screenwriting rules, it means it’s hard to know what to expect next.  It starts out as a surprisingly effective ghost story before turning into a standard bondage W.A.V.E. flick.  That’s just a fancy way of saying it’s got a little something for everybody.  Also, the production values are a hair above a snuff film.  That is to say, I rather enjoyed it.  It’s only about forty-five minutes long, but the dream scene is repeated which pads things out a bit, although not too much. 

Like The Pinelands Murders!, The Hanging Judge was a bonus feature on the Dead North Blu-Ray.  It makes sense since this flick also features Clancy McCauley getting hogtied in a tent as a major plot point.  Unlike either Dead North or The Pinelands Murders!, it actually has some legitimate atmosphere and a few memorable moments.  It’s also less than half the length of either of those two films, which makes for a breezy viewing.  Sure, the twist ending doesn’t exactly stick the landing, but for a bondage movie parading around as a horror flick (or is that the other way around?), it works better than you might expect. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE PINELANDS MURDERS! (2012) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Michael Mann.  Alfred Hitchcock.  John Woo.  Gary Whitson.  What do these directors have in common?  They all remade one of their own films.  In the case of The Pinelands Murders!,  it’s a remake of Whitson’s Dead North. 

Remaking Dead North wasn’t the worst idea in the world as it was one of Whitson’s weakest efforts.  The problem is he basically uses the same exact script.  Even worse, the amateurish actors in this version aren’t even up to snuff with the original cast. 

The plot is identical.  A group of friends go out into the woods on a camping trip.  Before long, they are picked off one by one by a killer. 

The good news is that this clocks in twelve minutes shorter than the original.  The bad news is that it’s still ninety-eight minutes long.  That’s still about thirty-eight minutes longer than the movie really needed to be.  At least the characters head out to the campsite faster than they did in the first movie.  And by that, I mean they get to the woods a half-hour into the running time instead of forty-five minutes. 

The Pinelands Murders! was included as a special bonus feature on the Dead North Blu-Ray.  Watching them back-to-back as I did gives you a palpable sense of déjà vu.  The dialogue and staging of many scenes are identical to that of Dead North.  Watching them side by side it’s obvious that Whitson didn’t even try to improve upon the material, but merely recycle it. 

That said, there is one additional twist near the end, but it seems unnecessary.  That is, unless you want a “happy” ending from something like this.  Another addition here that is not present in the original is the impromptu water fight accompanied by a goofy sitcom soundtrack.  This might actually be the best part of the movie.  If only there were more oddball flourishes like this.  After this inspired bit of silliness, this remake of Dead North heads due south real fast. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEAD NORTH (1991) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A trio of couples go hiking in the woods.  Since nearly everyone in the friend group is banging someone else, their respective partner has a motive for murder.  Once everybody finally gets into the forest and makes camp, a killer with a bag over his head stalks the group and picks them off one by one. 

Dead North is an early W.A.V.E. movie, and it’s obvious that director/star Gary Whitson hadn’t quite stumbled upon the winning formula that makes W.A.V.E. pictures so much fun.  For one, it’s close to two hours long.  If you’re going to give us a horror flick with an inflated running time, it better be some Terrifier 3/Smile 2 level shit.  

This dull shot-on-video flick just takes forever to get going.  The early scenes involve the couples making plans to go camping and then making plans to make plans to go camping.  (You know, to firm up the plans they just planned out.)  Then, before they go camping, there are long scenes of people telling each other how much they can’t wait to go camping.  Meanwhile, I’m over here like GO CAMPING ALREADY!  I’m not saying Dead North would’ve been a classic had Whitson jettisoned all this unnecessary filler, but it would’ve saved us all forty-five minutes of our lives.  Oh, and if you want to see someone put up a tent in real time, this is your movie. 

Yes, there are some bondage, electrocution, and murder scenes, and they are OK, I guess.  (It’s mostly a variety of stabbing and axing.)  It’s just a shame you had to wait eighty minutes to get to them.  All this might’ve been bearable if the movie was an hour long.  At twice that length, it’s often a chore to sit through.  (The gratuitous final scene that overexplains the twist ending is especially grating.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MASKED MUTILATOR (2019) * ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A pro wrestler known as The Masked Mutilator is banned from the sport when he accidentally (or perhaps not so accidentally) kills his opponent in the ring.  Years later, he gets a job running a group home for wayward youths.  When the rowdy teens get out of line, a killer in a wrestling mask brutally murders them.  Is The Masked Mutilator the one responsible, or is it a copycat wearing his mask?

The framing sequences about a true crime podcast covering the group home murders are shot on a completely different film stock (and have another credited director), which is the obvious tip off that the movie sat unfinished for a while before someone finally came along and added the new wraparound sequences.  (And according to IMDb, it took twenty-five years!)  As you’re watching it, it becomes obvious why no one was exactly in a rush to finish it.  To make matters worse, the framing device wasn’t really necessary.  These scenes especially wear out their welcome in the end when the movie is clearly over, yet the podcast host continues on and on with his show. 

The premise is sound.  (It’s basically El Santo meets Friday the 13th Part V:  A New Beginning.)  It’s just that the mix of wrestling and slashing never really comes together in an interesting way.  The wrestler vs. killer finale is also weak as it is indifferently staged (in a living room) and choreographed.  (It would’ve helped too had there been more wrestling in the mix too.)  It also doesn’t help that the identity of the killer is a foregone conclusion. 

That might not have mattered if the film delivered in the gore department, but it’s unfortunately, pretty weak in that regard.  Other than a scene where a dead body gets dismembered with a hacksaw, the majority of the kills are tame.  The T & A is fairly decent though as there are plenty of sex, nude, and shower scenes.  It’s still not enough to declare Masked Mutilator a winner.

SMILE 2 (2024) ****

Well, Parker Finn is official two-for-two with the Smile series.  This sequel is a deft expansion on the themes of the first film.  Whereas the demon in the original seemed to be a metaphor for trauma, you can view it this time around as a manifestation of guilt, substance abuse, fame, or all three, really.  

Since a new character has inherited the curse, the film consequently has a slightly different flavor.  Instead of the demon latching on to an overworked shrink, it’s a pop star struggling to make a comeback.  I hope this theme continues from sequel to sequel as it makes each film feel like it’s part of an anthology series rather than a traditional horror franchise. 

Naomi Scott is positively riveting as the pop star cursed to see smiling people until she goes mad.  Very few actresses can covey the feeling of true fear in horror films.  It often comes off looking stagey.  Or “movie scared”.  Scott looks, acts, and reacts the way an average person would if they were frightened out of their wits.  Finn’s camera is fixed to her frightened face for a good 50% of the movie and as such, we get to experience the terror through her eyes.  There are jump scares aplenty to be sure, but the film is at its most effective when we just see Scott’s bulging eyeballs reacting to the horror. 

We are having a banner year for women in horror.  From Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate to Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen to the one-two punch of Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley in The Substance, there has been a wealth of amazing performances by actresses in the horror genre.  Any other year, Scott would’ve been a shoo-in for Best Actress at The Video Vacuum Awards.  However, the competition this year is the fiercest it has ever been.  And frankly, you love to see it. 

Smile 2 is one of the best movies of the year, but I think I may have enjoyed the first film slightly more.  That said, this stands on its own as a terrific shocker.  It builds slowly (mostly because it has to clean up the cliffhanger of the first film before getting into Scott’s story), but when the shit hits the fan for Scott, things escalate in spectacular fashion.  It’s here where the movie really sizzles.  In short, it’s sure to leave a smile on any die-hard horror fan’s face. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEEP RED (1976) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

In this entertaining giallo from the master of Italian horror, Dario Argento, David (Blow Up) Hemmings witnesses a murder and becomes the black gloved killer’s next target. It may drag in spots, but the signature Argento touches (great cinematography, gory set pieces, frantic camerawork and music) keep things interesting. The death by drowning in a tub of scalding water is the highlight (and was later stolen in Halloween 2), but the gruesome fate of the killer is also pretty great too. Argento did his masterpiece, Suspiria next.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This may not be my favorite Argento movie as it runs on a bit too long, but when it cooks it burns down the house.  The suspense scenes are choreographed beautifully, and Argento almost manages to out-Hitchcock Hitchcock in some sequences.  Hemmings, who no doubt was cast because this role is similar in many ways to the character he played in Blow Up, makes for an ideal lead and Daria Nicolodi is a lot of fun as the spunky journalist. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Arrow’s 4K transfer is terrific.  The scene where the camera swoops and snakes around the killer’s personal effects looks positively hypnotic in 4K as does the extreme close-ups of whirring tape recorders and spinning turntables.  The sound is incredible too and the Goblin score absolutely slaps.  Like Creepers/Phenomena, I only had this in my collection as part of a Mill Creek 50 pack of horror movies, so this is a stellar upgrade in every way. 

SLOTHERHOUSE (2023) ** ½

Emily (Lisa Ambalavanar) is a young college girl desperate for popularity both online and in real life.  She thinks she will be the talk of her sorority house if she gets a pet sloth as their house mascot.  Little does she know the sloth she has chosen is a crazed killer.  After cutting down the sorority girls, the sicko sloth sets its sights on its owner. 

Slotherhouse knows what it is, and it has no qualms about its identity.  With the cutesy creature and the PG-13 rating, it almost plays like a throwback to the ‘90s gateway horror flicks that Amblin used to make.  The sorority house setting also gives the film the tone of an '80s Roger Corman movie.  

However, the PG-13 rating ensures that the sorority girl shenanigans never really get too hot and heavy.  It also means the kills are pretty weak.  Even worse is the fact that the majority of the body count occurs during a quick-cut montage and/or happens offscreen. 

Even without any gore or gratuitous T & A, the knowing cheekiness of the whole enterprise is still kind of endearing.  (There are homages to everything from Psycho to Halloween.)  Not only is it goofy harmless fun, it also has a lot to say about peer pressure in the age of social media, and the dangers of keeping wild animals as domesticated pets.  You probably didn’t expect a movie called Slotherhouse to contain a message, let alone two, but there you go.

Dyed in the wool horror fans will probably enjoy this up to a point.  I know I did.  I’m sure it will probably knock ‘em dead on the preteen slumber party circuit.  I mean you’re either the kind of person who wants to see a killer sloth using laptops, taking selfies, and driving sports cars or you aren’t.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, nothing will.