LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOMER… THE LATE COMER (1970) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Homer is a tubby middle-aged man who still lives at home with his overbearing mother.  He has a job editing porno movies and spends lots of time fantasizing about banging women.  When he isn’t doing that, he’s watching the dailies from the porn set while making weird faces.  Eventually, Homer finds love (or at least lust) with his boss’s new sexy secretary. 

The film begins with a long dream scene of Homer dressed as a Greek emperor and bedding a harem girl.  This sluggish scene gets the movie off to a slow start as it isn’t sexy and goes on forever (about a third of the movie’s entire running time, as a matter of fact).  It also doesn’t help that the actress in the scene really needs to wipe her ass.  Nothing takes the wind out of a porno’s sails like close-ups of a girl’s butt that is bursting with big brown dingleberries.  (Unless you’re into that sort of thing, I guess.)

The next scene is better though.  This one has Homer watching a scene from a porno movie featuring a Bonnie and Clyde-style pair of lovebirds banging on a bag full of money and jewels.  It takes its time building up steam, but it gets fairly hot as it goes on and ends with an oozing internal climax.  It’s amazing how much better a sex scene works if it doesn’t have an ugly dude and a gal with a shitty behind. 

Which brings us to the final sex sequence, which features Homer yet again.  The constant cutaways to Homer’s ugly face ruin any chance of this scene being considered hot.  He bulges his eyes out like Rodney Dangerfield having a heart attack, which isn’t exactly what I would classify as “erotic”.  Oh, and once again the actress didn’t wipe her ass, which is the final nail in the scene’s coffin. 

What, did no one know how to wipe their ass in the ‘70s?  Was there no room in the budget for toilet paper?   One thing is for sure:  Homer… The Late Comer is shitty in more ways than one. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AN EX-HOOKER’S CHRISTMAS CAROL (1995) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A former hooker named Milly (Laura Giglio) is arrested for shoplifting just before Christmas.  She gets probation and must do community service spending one-on-one time with a mentally handicapped man named Keith (Timothy H. Hawk).  He takes her to his “secret village” where wishes come true.  Problems arise when her former pimp (also Keith) comes looking for her. 

This was a bonus feature on Backwoods Marcy as it was also a Sharkey Video production.  Like that film, the cast is mostly comprised of familiar faces from W.A.V.E. Productions like Giglio, Deana Demko, Sal Longo, and Dave Castiglione (who also directed).  As much as I enjoy seeing W.A.V.E.’s usual stock company trying their hand at something different, I have to say the results are painful to watch more often than not. 

The big problem is that all the comedy schtick grates on the nerves.  Director Castiglione plays multiple roles, among them a cop, an old man, and in drag as a hooker.  He’s really not convincing in any role, which is a shame because I thought he did a fine job in Backwoods Marcy.  The same goes for Hawk, who also plays multiple roles, and badly I might add.   The amateurish songs on the soundtrack are pretty awful too, and the instrumental Christmas songs played incessantly on a cheap keyboard will have you pulling your hair out. 

It also doesn’t help that the sex scenes are strictly PG-13 stuff.  (There’s lots of naked backs, but no frontal nudity.)  I’m not saying that rampant nudity could’ve saved the movie.  It would’ve however made sure it didn’t get a lump of coal in its stocking, rating wise. 

The title is a bit misleading as the story hews closer to It’s a Wonderful Life than A Christmas Carol.  (Milly wishes she was alone at one point.)  Another problem is the use of the special needs character.  Needless to say, this shit wouldn’t fly today, and it was barely able to get off the ground back then. 

Giglio is pretty much the lone saving grace.  She’s fun to watch, even if everything else around her is cringeworthy.  Maybe she should’ve wished for a better script. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BACKWOODS MARCY (1999) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Donald (Dave Castiglione) is a traveling businessman who gets lost in the backwoods of New Jersey.  He takes his eyes off the road just long enough to hit a trashy redneck woman named Marcy (Dawn Murphy) with his car.  She doesn’t die though, and she pursues him into the woods with her trusty machete.  When Marcy finally catches up to him, she forces herself on him and keeps him captive in a dog pen.  Donald then makes a desperate plan to escape the clutches of the sex-hungry redneck cannibal babe. 

Backwoods Marcy was produced by a low-budget New Jersey based company called Sharkey Video.  It features many of the same cast and crew from several W.A.V.E. Productions.  (Even W.A.V.E. head honcho Gary Whitson has a small role.) Unlike W.A.V.E., Sharkey seems to be trying to make a “real” movie with limited means instead of embracing its limitations and reveling in the grungy aesthetic. 

Murphy is quite memorable as the toothless, horny, machete-wielding crone.  Castiglione also puts in a strong turn as the put-upon victim.  Murphy also co-wrote and directed the film, and she does a solid job behind the camera for the most part, especially in the early scenes. 

While it’s not exactly a classic, I do give the film props for cleverly turning the backwoods “Rape and Revenge” genre on its ear by swapping the genders of the protagonist and the antagonist.  We’ve seen beautiful women being manhandled by ugly redneck guys countless times in horror movies.  It was only a matter of time before the shoe was on the other foot. 

The running time is a scant sixty-five minutes, and the pacing is fluid enough so that it moves along in a brisk fashion.  I will say that despite the fine set-up, the film plays all its cards a bit too soon.  Because of that, the third act isn’t quite as sharp or as focused as everything that came before.  Had the flick ended with the Friday the 13th-inspired gag, it might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  However, the coda with an FBI agent (Pamela Sutch) poking around the woods feels tacked on and goes on far too long to boot. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOOD HUNT (1986) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A doctor comes to work in a small mountain village in Spain where everyone seems to have an affinity for hunting.  The good doctor does some snooping and eventually learns the locals’ favorite sport is man.  Seems they even have a van that goes around rounding up junkies that the townsfolk use as their (most dangerous) game.  Naturally, once the doc stumbles upon all this (not to mention the fact that he’s banging the girlfriend of the asshole who organizes the hunt), he too becomes the hunted.  He then must mobilize the addicts and whip them into fighting shape in order to turn the tables against the bloodthirsty townspeople. 

Blood Hunt starts slowly, but effectively.  Director Javier (Blood and Sand) Elorrieta deliberately parcels out the dirt on the shady villagers and takes his time before revealing the whys and hows surrounding the big hunt.  The long flashback that explains the villagers’ motivations is well done, but it does kind of take away from the immediacy of the doctor’s plight.  This attempt to humanize the hunters is admirable though. 

On the flip side, I think Elorrieta could’ve turned up the heat in a timelier manner when it came to the hunting sequences.  It certainly wouldn’t have hurt to at least humanize the junkie characters a bit more either.  Still, he manages to keep the audience engaged up to a certain point, even if he never quite ratchets up the tension to a full boil. 

Once the film eventually comes down the homestretch, we do get some Peckinpah-inspired slow-mo shootouts and gunfights, complete with bloody squibs.  The finale is fine too, even if it seems to get wrapped up rather quickly.  It could’ve done with a bit more fireworks and/or firepower too.  Overall, it’s not Hard Target or anything, but for fans of Most Dangerous Game variations, Blood Hunt will probably scratch a certain itch. 

AKA:  The Night of Rage. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FLASH GORDON (1980) ** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 21st, 2013)

Dino De Laurentiis’ expensive update of the beloved sci-fi icon was obviously made to cash in on the success of Star Wars, but the look and feel of the film hews closer to De Laurentiis’ Barbarella than George Lucas’ epic. (The Hawk Men look like close cousins of the angels in Barbarella.) I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I just think the film would’ve been better off if it eschewed the campy tone and told a straight-up slam-bang sci-fi story.

Sam J. Jones is Flash Gordon, a quarterback for the New York Jets. Along with Dale Arden (Melody Anderson), Flash blasts off into space at the behest of crazy scientist Dr. Zarkov (Topol). They arrive at the planet Mongo, which is ruled with an iron fist by the evil Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow). Ming kidnaps Dale and sentences Flash to be executed. Ming’s daughter (Ornella Muti) has the hots for Flash, so she helps him escape. He then gets the help of two warring princes (Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed) to help crash Ming’s wedding and rescue Dale.

I think the reason Flash Gordon never quite comes to life is because Mike Hodges’ direction is pretty pedestrian. He did some great work with Michael Caine in the coldblooded Get Carter, but I don’t think he had the right sensibilities for Flash Gordon. The insane sets are pretty cool, and the costumes are lavish, but Hodges never finds a way to make it come alive. Hodges’ handling of the action scenes is slightly better. The scene where Flash uses his football skills against Ming’s cronies is either hilarious or awful, depending on your point of view. But Hodges does deliver a pretty cool bullwhip fight on a tilting spiked platform and the Hawk Man attack finale is quite rousing.

Another problem is the character of Flash. Jones certainly looks like a hero, but his performance is pretty bland. He seems too passive and sorta gets lost in the shuffle amid the sets, special effects, and colorful supporting cast.

But even the supporting performances are a mixed bag. Von Sydow is pretty awesome as Ming. Anderson on the other hand makes for a forgettable Dale. And Topol is rather annoying. Most of that had to do with the way Dr. Zarkov was written though. I particularly hated the fact that he would pull a gun on Flash and Dale to make them go in his ship.

The presence of Ornella Muti very nearly saves the entire film. She’s definitely one of the Top Five Hotties of All Time in this flick. The scene where she gets tied up and whipped is Fifty Shades of Awesome. But Ornella is much more than a pretty face and a tight body. She’s a heck of an actress too. I especially liked her comic timing in the scene where she tries to seduce Flash while he’s simultaneously trying to contact Dale telepathically.

But the best thing about the movie is the awesome score by Queen. You’ll have the music stuck in your head for days after. The movie… not so much.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Flash Gordon probably can’t be classified as a “good” movie, but it’s a fun one.  The biggest problem has always been with the hero Flash, who is so bland that he quickly gets lost in a sea of colorful sets, costumes, and supporting characters.  That, and the special effects look closer to say Barbarella (another Dino de Laurentiis production) than Star Wars.  Still, of the many Star Wars rip-offs released at the time, it remains one of the better cash-ins. 

4K UHD NOTES:

You can say what you will about Flash Gordon’s various shortcomings, but it had always been a visual treat.  This 4K treatment by Arrow does the film justice.  You really get your bang for your buck during the awesome title sequence where the colors and comic panels pop like never before.  Since the film is loaded with lush colors and visual pizzazz, you could probably use any given scene as a systems test for your home theater set-up.  It looks that good.  Queen’s score sounds equally amazing.  Of course, the best sight in 4K has to be Ornella Muti.  Growl. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: YOUNG L.A. NURSES 2 (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 30th, 2010, under the title, Night Call Nurses)

The third flick in producer Roger Corman’s Nurses series revolves around three nurses who pull the graveyard shift at the psycho ward.  One nurse tries to help a fellow brother (a revolutionary being held captive by The Man) escape the hospital.  Another nurse falls in love with a speed-taking trucker.  And the other nurse starts to think she’s going crazy once she starts dating her shrink.  Oh yeah, and there’s also a transvestite nutball (who likes to dress up like a nurse) roaming around stalking the girls.

 

Night Call Nurses isn’t great or anything but it’s a big step-up from the previous entry in the series as it actually has some humor sprinkled about.  It also features a healthy amount of skin (which is always a good thing) and director Jonathan (Bad Girls) Kaplan always finds some excuse for the chicks to get naked.  The best nudity scene comes from a group therapy session where the pimp doctor urges all of his female patients to disrobe.

 

My biggest complaint with Night Call Nurses is that way too much time is taken up with the nurses helping the prisoner escape.  The whole black revolutionary thing was already done before in Private Duty Nurses, so it seems redundant to have it in this flick too.  I also wish more time was spent on the transvestite killer nurse subplot.  It was a potentially cool idea but it never really receives a satisfactory payoff in the end.

 

The trucker gets the best line of the movie when he looks at a nurse’s name tag and asks, “Janis?  Is that your name, or the name of your left titty?”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VEROTIKA (2019) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 11th, 2020)

I’ve been a huge Misfits fan for what seems like forever, so I was excited to learn front man Glenn Danzig was making an anthology horror movie based on his own comic book line.  His music has always been infused with his love for old horror films, so I was anxious to see how he would fare as a horror director.  As far as musicians-turned-directors, he has a long way to go before he can touch Rob Zombie, but I can honestly say, there is enough inspired lunacy here to make me interested to see what he does next.

Porn star Kayden Kross stars as our host, Morella, who in the opening scene, gouges a woman’s eyes out.  She then introduces herself to the camera and we go right into the first story.

“The Albino Spider of Dajette” (***) is about a pink-haired girl named Dajette (porn star Ashley Wisdom) who is distraught when her boyfriend leaves her.  In most movies, the boyfriend leaves because he wants to see other people.  In Danzig’s world, the boyfriend leaves because his girlfriend has eyeballs where her nipples should be.  That’s not even the weird part.  When her boobs start crying, the tears land on an albino spider, and it morphs into a six-armed man-spider who goes out and kills every time Dajette falls asleep. 

I tell you, when it comes to becoming a spider-man, getting bit by a radioactive spider is soooooo gauche next to being bathed in titty tears.

Most directors would take an idea like a woman with eyes for nipples and base an entire story around it.  For Danzig, it’s just the jumping off point.  You have to admire something so hilariously insane, even if the craftsmanship is a bit shoddy.

Then again, any time I want to criticize this segment for its stilted performances, awkward camerawork (I can’t tell if Danzig is trying to channel Jess Franco’s haphazard camera zooms on purpose), or slipshod editing, I remember it’s about a woman with eyes for nipples whose teat tears turn a spider into a half-human spider-man, and I think… gee… I haven’t seen THAT before, so ***.

The next story is the Eyes Without a Face-inspired “Change of Face” (**).  A masked stripper known as “The Mystery Girl” (Rachel Alig from Bikini Spring Break) goes around hacking off the faces of women and puts them on her dressing room wall.  It’s then up to a determined detective (The Karate Kid 3’s Sean Kanan) to end her reign of terror.

This segment isn’t nearly as wild as the previous tale, which puts it at a disadvantage.  It isn’t necessarily bad, per se, but it’s certainly a comedown.  Alig is pretty good though as the faceless stripper who wears skull-shaped pasties.  She’s definitely a much more credible lead than Wisdom was, that’s for sure.  I also had fun with Kanan’s performance as the comically gruff detective.  That doesn’t quite compensate for the fact that the story is slight, and the non-ending is rather frustrating.

The final tale, “Drukija:  Contessa of Blood” (**), is a reworking of the old Elizabeth Bathory legend as a vampire woman (Alice Haig) bathes in the blood of virgins to remain eternally young. 

This is one story that would’ve benefited from some tighter editing.  I mean there’s a scene where Drukija stares at herself in the mirror that just goes on forever.  That said, the scenes where Drukija slashes open virgin throats and bathes in their jugular spray are something else.  Too bad that this one, like “Change of Face” is completely devoid of an ending.

So, in short, this is an extremely hit or miss affair.  It’s particularly rough going after the first story.  However, if you ever wanted to see an albino man-spider trying to negotiate the price of Greek from a French prostitute, then Verotika is for you.