SWINGIN’ MODELS (1972) ** ½

A model poses topless alongside a gray faced mannequin in a tuxedo on a bedroom set for a photographer named Felix (Claus Tinney).  After her session, a young naive model named Astrid (Angelica Wehbeck) comes to the studio and balks at posing nude for Felix.  He then takes her to a party at a bordello to indoctrinate Astrid into the “world of sex and money” and tells her juicy stories about the various partygoers. 

The first tale is about their rich host.  He has trouble making it with women, so he keeps a young stud on hand to help ball his babes.  The next story is about a nude model whose marriage was ruined when her husband learned what she did for a living.  Another couple invites them to spend the night and eventually they wind up swapping partners.  After that, we get a tale of how an innocent girl became a porn star.  Then it’s Astrid’s turn to tell a story about her relationship with one of the party girls. 

This is an uneven but sporadically entertaining West German softcore flick.  It’s very episodic, but the vignettes are relatively fast moving and feature lots of skin.  It’s not exactly bad per se.  It’s just that it never really turns up the heat either.  The big reason is that the fractured narrative prevents the film from ever gaining any real momentum. 

The framework is ideal for an anthology movie as the partygoers have plenty of vices to fill an entire movie.  Unfortunately, there’s no real meat to any of the stories and they are pretty much over before they really get going.  Still, the speedy sixty-six-minute running time is appreciated.  Then again, I can’t help but think that the film may have worked better with a slightly longer running time if it allowed the stories a little room to breathe. 

Wehbeck makes for a fine leading lady too.  It’s a shame she only made a handful of movies because she has a lovely screen presence here.  She certainly has no qualms showing off her exquisite figure either.  Whenever she’s on screen, Swingin’ Models is a swinging’ good time. 

AKA:  Bed Career.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NYMPHO-CYCLER (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Ed Wood wrote directed and stars in this cheap but kinda fun porno.  He plays a photographer named Ed who marries his favorite figure model, Misty (Casey Larrain).  He also sets her up on dates with his friends as sort of a side business.  Misty eventually gets fed up being his whore, so she hops on her motorcycle and takes off.  When her bike breaks down, some sexy gals in a convertible give her a lift and immediately start pawing her.  They take Misty back to their pad and smoke pot before engaging in a lesbian threesome.  Later, she gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in a field.  Then, his biker gang invites her to a bonfire orgy.  Sadly for Misty, it all ends in tragedy. 

After sitting through Wood’s dreary The Young Marrieds, I was kind of dreading this.  Fortunately, Nympho-Cycler was surprisingly enjoyable.  The sex scenes are decent too, considering some of Wood’s other ventures into adult cinema.  That’s mostly because Larrain has a winning screen presence and seems to be having fun in her scenes.  Some of the dialogue is funny too, like “I’m in show business.  And I’m about to show my business!”, which helps add to the fun.  The musical selections, which include instrumental versions of Donovan’s “Sunshine Superman” and Santana’s “Black Magic Woman” are amusing as well. 

It’s also fun seeing Wood in front of the camera for a change.  He gets to romp around with Larrain in a hot tub and barks orders at her while taking pictures of her.  He disappears after the first act, but his performance (or appearance at least) helps make the film memorable. 

The only debit is the bizarre, abrupt, and downbeat ending.  The version I saw was only thirty-seven minutes long, but apparently there are more complete versions that run about fifteen minutes longer.  I don’t know if those versions flesh things out more or not.  The extremely rushed ending aside, for the most part, Nympho-Cycler makes for a breezy and enjoyable ride. 

AKA:  Nympho Cycler.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE YOUNG MARRIEDS (1972) *

FORMAT:  DVD

Right from the incomprehensible opening scene you can tell this is an Ed Wood porno.  Shots of waves crashing on the shore while a narrator drones on about men and women’s relationships through the centuries are intercut with footage of two disembodied voices ogling strippers.  Sadly, this is just about the only real Wood-ian flourish the film has to offer. 

Ben (Dick Burns) picks up a girl in his dune buggy and takes her out in the country to ball.  He’s married to the frigid Ginny (Alice Friedland) who is mad that he spends all his time in nudie bars.  (She doesn’t know about his dune buggy trysts.)  To spice up their marriage, Ben buys a camera and decides to take risqué photos of his wife.  He soon creates a monster as she becomes more demanding in bed.  Eventually, the couple go to an orgy arranged by Ben’s co-worker. 

Wood’s handling of the sex scenes is crude at best and downright unsexy at worst.  Of all the scenes, I’d say the final orgy scene is the best.  However, the camerawork and staging of the performers leaves something to be desired.  The crummy, intrusive narration doesn’t help matters either. 

Wood’s best work came from his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.  From the corny but sincere Sci-Fi elements in Plan 9 to the earnest transvestite themes in Glen or Glenda, Wood’s transparent enthusiasm gave them their charm.  With The Young Marrieds, it’s clear that Wood’s heart just isn’t in it.  It’s obvious here he’s just trying to get a sex flick in the can and call it a day.  Other than the perplexing opening, there’s very few touches here that fans of Wood have come to appreciate.  It’s also surprising to hear the characters saying a lot of decidedly un-PC dialogue about members of the gay community, which is disappointing considering how Wood handled the subject of transvestites with such sensitivity in Glen or Glenda. 

This was considered a lost film for a long time until it was rediscovered.  Sad to say, it was probably better off lost.  This proved to be Wood’s final feature as a director, and it’s kind of a sad end to a truly one-of-a-kind career.  Had he only lived another year or so, he would’ve received recognition for his work in his lifetime. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE UNHOLY CHILD (1975) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A sailor named Gabe returns home to see his sister.  Whenever he asks anyone about his girlfriend, they immediately clam up.  He soon learns she married another man while he was out to sea and to make matters worse, someone seems to have it in for him.  After the mysterious figure blows up his car, Gabe searches for answers. 

The central mystery of The Unholy Child isn’t very involving.  Not that the film needed a great mystery to hold all the sex scenes together.  It’s just that you need… well… SOMETHING here to keep your interest.  Since the sex scenes are not hot and seemingly go on forever (as does the nude dance scene) and the plot stinks, there’s nothing here to captivate the viewer.  Also, the music drops in and out during the sex scenes and the dubbing is poor too.  You know it’s bad when the characters walk by a strip club advertising “Exotic Lady Wrestlers” and you root for them to go inside as the promise of exotic lady wrestlers is infinitely more interesting than anything else on screen. 

Yes, The Unholy Child is pretty much a mess from start to finish.  The most amusing aspects about it are just how inept it is.  The shot of Gabe’s car blowing up is hilarious as it’s just a model car being blown up by a firecracker.  This is the film’s sole highlight, but it’s worth the extra Half-Star.  Trust me. 

It’s also painfully obvious that the “man” following our hero is really a woman in drag.  In fact, the reveal of the killer may be the most infuriating thing about the movie as we already know who the killer is, but the film ends so abruptly that we never find out WHY they were after our hero.  Plus, we never learn what the Hell the title means.  Argh. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1975) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A young writer rents a room in a boardinghouse from the sexy Zenobia (Helen Madigan).  His first night there, he hears all kinds of strange goings on.  He eventually learns that all the ladies of the house are Satanists.  (Gee, do you think the giant pentagram on the wall gave it away?)  When he tries to leave, they knock him out and force him to participate in a big Satanist orgy. 

Not to be confused with the erotic lesbian vampire classic of the same name, this is a surprisingly solid Satanic sex flick.  The highlight is the fucking awesome scene where Zenobia plays with her pussy… literally!  She has her pet cat on top of her and while she’s petting it, the frisky feline turns into a horny blonde!  Then they fuck!  I guess it’s true what they say… You are what you eat!   What made this scene great for me was the fact that the cat in the movie looked exactly like my cat!  I can only hope it’s just a matter of time before little Mooney turns into a sexy blonde bombshell for me.  Fans of gratuitous close-ups of gaping glistening genitalia will also be in Heaven during this scene. 

In another memorable sequence, Zenobia appears with a wild looking devil tattoo below her naval that lines up so that her vagina is the devil’s mouth.  When our hero bangs her, she yells, “Fuck the devil’s skull!”  Madigan is hot in all of her scenes and kinda reminded me of Lauren Graham a little bit.  The legendary Joey Silvera is also on hand in a supporting role as one of the Satanists. 

Admittedly, most of this is pretty shoddy.  There are visible boom mikes and crew member shadows.  And wait till you see the cheesy negative scratches effect when the Satanists hypnotize our hero.  

However, the Satanist orgy scene features some simple but effective set design.  The camera peers through a rope-woven spider web as the Satanists bang each other while a fog machine blows smoke into the proceedings.  It’s not much, but it works. 

The sex scenes are the main draw, naturally.  Fortunately, there’s a little something for everybody.  We have lesbians, interracial (there’s a guy who looks like Chuck Berry wearing a swami hat who bangs a white girl in a field), anal (on the bathroom floor), orgies, and rim jobs.  You can’t ask for much more out of a Satanic ‘70s porno. 

KINGDOM OF THE VAMPIRE (1991) ** ½

Jeff (Matthew Jason Walsh) is a young pathetic vampire who has to put up with his domineering mother (Cherie Patry) and clean up after her whenever she feeds on poor Girl Scouts who are unfortunate enough to try to sell her cookies.  If that wasn’t bad enough, she also forces her son to help lure trick or treaters to their death on Halloween night.  Naturally, only so many people can go missing before it brings the attention of the local sheriff.  Meanwhile, Jeff begins seeing a pretty girl (Shannon Doyle) and it’s only a matter of time before his meddling monster of a mother spoils his happiness. 

Directed by J.R. Bookwalter, Kingdom of the Vampire is more serious and downbeat than some of his other work (although he’s still able to work in an amusing reference to his previous flick, Robot Ninja).  It’s less a horror show and more of a sad portrait of someone trying to break free of an overbearing parent.  It’s just that… you know… the parent also happens to be a vampire. 

The performances are strong and help elevate the film from its low budget trappings.  Walsh, who also wrote the film and supplied the music (which is surprisingly good) makes for a solid lead.  I mean you wouldn’t expect a movie called Kingdom of the Vampire to put such a concentration on characters, but everyone fares well with the material.  It’s easy for a low budget horror movie to rely on cheap gore and laughs to carry it.  It’s rare to find one that focuses on performance driven horror. 

And for the most part, it works.  The biggest sticking point is the third act where everything comes to a head all at once.  I can’t help but think that Bookwalter and Walsh must’ve run out of time or money (or both) since things end so abruptly and unsatisfyingly.  It’s only seventy minutes long, but this is one of the few times I wished a low budget vampire movie was longer, if only to properly flesh out the finale and give its characters a send-off they deserve. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MANIA (1971) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Suzanne (Penny King) is the latest addition to the home for wayward girls run by the “harsh disciplinarian” Ms. Wellington (Orita de Chadwick from Scorpion).  As soon as she arrives, a killer wearing black gloves begins picking off the girls one by one.  Could it be the creepy gardener?  Or perhaps it’s Ms. Wellington’s oddball son?

Mania is more concerned with the fucking than it is with the reveal of the killer.  Since the fucking is uniformly steamy from top to bottom, I’d say that’s a fair trade.  The first sex scene is an interracial coupling.  And by that, I mean it’s a lesbian scene featuring black and Asian actresses.  You don’t see that kind of combo very often in porn, even now.  So, for the film to start off with such a niche coupling already kind of bumps it up a notch in my book.  As a bonus, there are more “traditional” interracial pairings later in the film.  In fact, one lucky actor gets to bang a white, black, AND Asian gal throughout the movie.  I believe that’s called “hitting for the cycle”.

We also get a pretty hot incest scene involving Ms. Wellington and her son.  So, if you are into the big “I n’ I” (interracial and incest), you can probably add an extra Half Star to the movie’s rating.   There’s even a great scene where we witness Ms. Wellington’s disciplinarian skills firsthand when she spanks (and then seduces) a naughty schoolgirl.  Man, this one has something for everybody! 

That’s not even including the music (which features a non-sanctioned cover of The Eagles’ “Witchy Woman” and a Muzak version of “California Dreaming”) or the murder scenes, which are not bad, even if they are kind of brief.  The twist ending is kind of… uh… twisted too.  I just wish they showed the big reveal instead of having the characters only talk about it.  Oh well, that’s a relatively minor complaint to make about a minor classic of XXX horror. 

AKA:  School for Dead Girls.