LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 16th, 2007)

Concerned that Martian children "are no longer children" because they get information plugged through their skull helmet antennae nonstop and sit around watching "meaningless Earth programs"; a group of Martians head down to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus (!) so he can spread cheer and goodwill to all the Martian children. With a little help from a robot, and with two Earth children in tow, the Martians succeed in hijacking Santa (John Call) from his workshop on the North Pole and take him to Mars, where they quickly get him set up with a more efficient automated workshop that he can control with just the push of a button. But there's a faction of Martians that don't want Santa spreading good cheer and they set out to RE-KIDNAP Kris Kringle. Luckily the reigning Martian nincompoop Droppo (Bill McCutcheon), "the laziest man on Mars" happens to be wearing a Santa suit and they think that HE'S Santa, despite the fact that he's got a green face and a skull helmet antennae sticking out from under his cap. Everything get sorted out after the kids pelt the bad guys with toys and the "evil" Martians are reduced to tears. Eventually they realize that Droppo would make a good Martian Santa, and they give Santa and the kids a one way ticket back to Earth.

Fewer movies boggle the mind with such ferocity than this one. Who was this movie made for? Seven-year-olds on LSD? Star Trek nerds that needed a Christmas themed movie in outer space? No, the real audience for this flick is die-hard fans of bad movies. You could never in a million years take this thing seriously, but a lot of eggnog will allow you to laugh your ass off and help you discover the true meaning of Christmas. Most bad movies have certain requirements: crappy special effects, inexplicable performances, glaring continuity mistakes, stunningly campy dialogue, and preferably a star of some middling degree earning a paycheck before they were famous. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is chock full of all of them.

Consider the not-so special effects. If the robot looks like a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head that's because it's a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head. If the polar bear looks like a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing it's because it's a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing. And if the spaceships look like a cheap model rockets it's because... well you get the idea.

And how about the performances? As Droppo, Bill McCutcheon proves to be one of the lamest "comic relief" sidekicks in the history of film. Whether pretending to be zapped by a "tickle ray", swallowing "food pills", or prancing around in a Santa suit, he achieves something incredible. His "comedy" is so UNFUNNY that you have to laugh at it. He's like a blueprint for Chris Kattan. And where do I begin with John Call as Santa? Sure he looks the part (any dime store Santa could've pulled THAT off), but what's with his laughter? He doesn't say "Ho, ho, ho!", rather he has laughs that sounds scary and maniacal; like a cross between a Batman villain and a seriously disturbed individual. What's more is that his laughter inspires others to laugh along with him. You won't be laughing WITH him, but you'll certainly be laughing AT him.

And then there's the theme song (by Milton DeLugg) that just about throws all laws of reading, writing and pronunciation out the window in favor of a cheap yuletide jingle. I quote: "You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S! Horray for Santy Claus!" Umm, excuse me Mr. DeLugg, but S-A-N-T-A actually spells SANTA. DeLugg also must have been the fellow who typed up the opening credits, as there is a credit for "Costume Designer" that is spelled "Custume Designer".

And then there's the dialogue. Ahh, the dialogue. Some of what comes out of these people's mouths will have you doubting your sanity until the next Christmas. There are the classics "You won't get away with this you... MARTIAN!", "All this trouble for a fat little man in a red suit!", and "Right now is the middle of Septober!", but my favorite dialogue exchange comes after Santa tries his new Martian automated workshop. Someone asks Santa if he's tired and he replies, "No, but my finger is!" That's a mental picture and a half for you.

But the most fun comes from seeing "star" Pia Zadora as one of the Martian children. She looks pretty much out of it most of the time, which is a technique she would later go on to perfect. If you don't count her cameo in Naked Gun 33 1/3, this is by far the best movie she ever starred in. She shoulda quit when she was ahead.

In short: this should be a Christmas tradition in every household.

Lucky kids in the ‘60s could've bought the comic book adaptation (!) or the theme song, which was available as a single.

AKA: Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: YEAR END WRAP-UP

In 2024, I challenged myself to watch and review 366 movies on physical media in 366 days.  (Goddamn Leap Year.)  If you were playing along at home, you would’ve known I fell short of my goal.  I got pretty close though as I was able to watch 364 movies and review 362 of them.  As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by THAT much!”  I plan to finish the final couple of reviews by the end of the week, just to see the challenge through.  

On a side note, I don’t think I will attempt to do another daily movie watching challenge this year.  After Tubi Continued… and this, it’s a bit exhausting, especially when my work/family life begins ramping up.  However, I still plan on watching as many weird and wild movies as humanly possible in 2025.  I just will refrain from using a yearly theme and posting on a daily schedule.  So, here’s to another year at the movies!  Happy New Year!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WAVE OF TERROR (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Wave of Terror is a two-part anthology horror flick from W.A.V.E. Productions.  The first story is “Road Kill” (***).  Clancey McCauley catches her boyfriend talking to another woman.  Later, in a fit of jealous rage, she runs him down with her car.  After the funeral, she begins to see his spirit pointing accusingly at her.  It’s only a matter of time before his spirit makes her pay for her misdeeds. 

This one is pretty simple in both premise and execution.  It has a cool E.C. Comics vibe to it (the graveyard finale is very well done given the means at the production's disposal) and benefits from the stripped-down approach.  It also shows that W.A.V.E. Productions founder Gary Whitson is probably a better director than many give him credit for as he delivers a solid story on a limited budget.  McCauley gives a good performance too as the jilted lover turned murderer and is particularly effective once the Carnival of Souls-inspired shocks come into play. 

The second story, Hadley’s Hellhole! (**) is less impressive.  It’s about a reporter (McCauley once again) and an archeologist (Whitson) who take a tour of a supposedly haunted mineshaft.  Almost immediately, they lose their guide.  As they go deeper into the mine, they encounter ghosts and demons lurking within the tunnels. 

This one is honestly a big comedown from the first tale.  Whereas Road Kill had a simple, clearcut story with a beginning, middle, and end, this one just sort of throws a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.  Frankly, nothing ever really does.  The technical limitations are more obvious this time around.  Not only are the sets kind of crummy, but there are also a bunch of flubbed lines (mostly courtesy of Whitson himself).  The monster is basically just a guy in a dime store Halloween mask, but the severed head in a birthday present gag is OK.  I did admire the way Whitson was able to work a wet T-shirt scene (a W.A.V.E. staple) into such a claustrophobic setting.  It’s just that overall, this story is just sort of ho-hum. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MAIL ORDER MURDER: THE STORY OF W.A.V.E. PRODUCTIONS (2020) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 3rd, 2023)

Mail Order Murder:  The Story of W.A.V.E. Productions is a fun and breezy documentary about the New Jersey-based video company that specializes in low (or sometimes, no) budget shot-on-video horror movies.  After making a splash in the early days of the SOV boom, director and owner Gary Whitson supplemented their catalogue by offering custom made horror movies where fans could write in and see their various horror fetishes played out before their very eyes.  Even though paying customers had input (sometimes more, sometimes less) on the productions, Whitson’s no-budget ingenuity ensured that every film he produced had a distinct touch that only a W.A.V.E. movie could offer.

Directors William Hellfire (who himself is a bit of a maverick in the SOV horror market) and Ross Snyder begin the film with a brief overview of the SOV horror phenomenon of the ‘80s and ‘90s (which itself would make for a fascinating documentary), before focusing on the eccentric, one-of-a-kind W.A.V.E. Productions.  The clips are sometimes jaw-dropping in just how bad (but admittedly entertaining) they are.  Most look about as close to a snuff movie as you could get without actually killing anybody.  

Whitson is interviewed and seems like an “Aw, shucks” kind of guy.  He certainly doesn’t seem like the type that would make movies about strangling, bondage, torture, asphyxiation, death by quicksand, and murder.  Frequent W.A.V.E. actresses, who have quite a following in their own right, such as Tina Krause, Deana Demko, and Pamela Sutch are also interviewed.  They all seem quite pleased with their small place in the footnote of cinema history.  We also hear from fans and fellow filmmakers, who seem perplexed, but in awe of the W.A.V.E. aesthetic (or lack thereof). 

Mail Order Murder serves as a good primer for fans.  It’s a fine history lesson on the birth and growth of the company and it’s totally worthwhile just for the interviews with all the W.A.V.E. starlets.  I just wish it delved a little deeper into what makes Gary tick instead of just propping him up as an unsung hero of underground DIY cinema.  I mean, he totally is.  It’s just that for a documentary on movies so dirty, I was hoping for more dirt (or quicksand).

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953) *** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 15th, 2011)

Aliens come down to Earth hidden in meteors. When they make their first appearance, some bozos run out and wave a white flag because “everyone knows the white flag means peace!” Well, apparently the aliens didn’t get the memo because they vaporize those idiots with their Martian Death Ray. Later, a preacherman gets up in the aliens' business trying to spread the word of God to them. You can probably guess what happens to this guy. Anyway, the aliens overrun the town and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Gene Barry) and some hot hysterical ‘50s babe try to survive the onslaught. Just about when you think the aliens have kicked our asses, they catch a cold and die. Wimps.

The War of the Worlds is pretty fucking cool on all accounts. First and foremost, the special effects are badass. The spaceships look like they came straight out of a Galaga game, and the aliens themselves are great. They sorta look like the bastard offspring of E.T. and a Simon game. The carnage these guys create is impressive too. They blow shit up, turn humans into ash, and set guys on fire. And the sound FX used for the Martian Death Ray is one of the coolest ever captured on film. Another thing I dug about the movie is that it actually shows civilization starting to crumble. There’s rioting and looting in the street, which is something you didn’t see much of in ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks.

The only problem I had with the flick really is the slow talky patches in between the Martian attack scenes. In that respect, the film is kinda paced like a porno movie. Talk, good stuff, talk, good stuff, etc. The ending’s kinda lame, but then again, the ending of book was lame too; so what you gonna do? Say what you will about the movie, it’s a fuck of a lot better than that Spielberg remake.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This is one of the better ‘50s Sci-Fi movies.  If it wasn’t for the overly religious ending, it would have been ever better.  Still, Gene Barry is the definitive ‘50s Sci-Fi movie scientist.  He’s levelheaded in the face of danger.  He’s smart without being too much of an egghead about things.  He’s got high level security clearance, but he still feels like an Everyman.  Barry is terrific and helps carry the movie whenever the aliens aren’t on screen. 

4K UHD NOTES:

At first, I thought the transfer was just sort of fair-to-average in the early scenes.  Once the Martians show up, the transfer (like the movie itself) really takes off.  The red and green lights emanating from the Martian ships looks awesome in 4K, as does the death ray effects.  The alien effects have never looked better too, which makes this a highly recommended upgrade for fans of the film. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HUMAN TORNADO (1976) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2011)

This sequel to Dolemite opens with the title character (once again played by the one and only Rudy Ray Moore) banging the wife of a white sheriff. When the racist sheriff and his deputy bust the door down, she screams, “He made me do it!” To which Dolemite yells, “Bitch are you for real?” The sheriff then orders the deputy to kill his wife and Dolemite. After blasting her with a shotgun, the deputy sets his sights on Dolemite, but he is able to escape by jumping down a hill. Then Moore’s voice comes on the soundtrack and he assures the audience he actually did the jump himself (“Y’all don’t believe I jumped… well watch this good shit!”) and the words “Instant Replay” flashes on the screen and the jump is rewound and replayed.

This scene typifies what I love about Rudy Ray Moore’s movies. They’re full of unpredictable cinematic zaniness. Not many Blaxploitation films of the ‘70s feature this kind of fourth wall breaking. Not only that, but it also goes to show that Rudy Ray Moore was doing his own stunts long before Jackie Chan made it chic.

Even the title clues you in on just how far outside the box Moore was thinking. He could’ve very well just called the movie Dolemite Returns or Dolemite 2. But no, he went The Dark Knight route instead.

The title by the way is literal. You see, there’s a scene in this movie where Dolemite seduces the bad guy’s wife and fucks her so hard that the house falls down around him. If you can’t already tell, this movie is something special.

The Human Tornado is more cartoonish and straight-up crazy than Dolemite was, but it’s not quite as mind-blowingly awesome as the original. I think the movie’s main flaw is that it’s heavily padded with way too many musical performances and scenes of Dolemite doing his nightclub act. All of this shit slows the beginning of the movie down and it takes a while to regain its footing.

Despite that, The Human Tornado offers a generous helping of awesomeness. It’s got a bunch of fast-motion Kung Fu fights, a terrific theme song, and plenty of WTF imagery. (There’s a bizarre fantasy sequence where a white woman imagines three black bodybuilders coming out of a toy box.) And of course, it has Moore kicking ass and saying funny rhymes. My favorite: “He caught me with his wife now he wants to take my life! He thinks he’s bad! He’s got no class! I’ll rock this shotgun up his muthafuckin’ ass!”

Before They Were Famous Alert: Look for a pre-Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson as part of Dolemite’s entourage. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Super Mario Bros. is one of the most perplexing video game adaptations ever made.  It would be easy to categorize it as one of the worst if only the genre wasn’t littered with so many lousy movies.  (Many of which were directed by Uwe Boll.)  In fact, the biggest problem is that it strays so far away from the source material that it never really feels like a Super Mario Bros. movie.  Taken on its own merits, it’s still a sloppy, weird, and occasionally amusing Sci-Fi flick.  It’s just that it is bound to disappoint anyone expecting a halfway faithful adaptation of the beloved Nintendo video game. 

Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are two plumbers who try to save a princess (Samantha Mathis) who is kidnapped and taken to a subterranean parallel universe lorded over by King Koopa (Dennis Hopper).  He’s trying to merge the two worlds into one kingdom with him ruling over everyone.  Oh, and he wants to turn everybody in our world into monkeys too.  It’s then up to the two plumbing brothers to stop him. 

The casting is pretty good.  Hoskins is spot-on as Mario and Leguizamo has an infectious playfulness about him as Luigi.  Hopper looks like he’s having fun chewing scenery as the baddie and while Richard Edson and Fisher Stevens don’t elicit laughs per se, they have chemistry together as his bumbling goons.  Lance Henriksen also has a random blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the end.  The oddest bit of casting is Mojo Nixon as Toad.  No matter how bad it gets, I can’t completely hate any movie that has Mojo Nixon in it. 

Although the production design looks expensive, it also manages to be ugly and inconsistent.  The “Dinohattan” stuff is decent as it looks like a low rent Demolition Man sort of thing.  Some of the action is OK (like when Mario’s car winds up on top of another car during a chase scene) and the effects (especially Yoshi) are pretty good too.  It’s just… you know… it never feels like a Super Mario Bros movie.  Honestly, it probably played better when it was originally released.  Now that we have the animated Super Mario Bros. Movie, a near-perfect translation of the game, this just kind of feels pointless now.  That said, it’s better than its reputation may have led you to believe, but it never really works either.