Thursday, March 6, 2025

LITTLE GIRL BIG TEASE (1976) ***

A trio of kidnappers lure a rich teenage ballerina named Virginia (Jody Ray) to a remote mansion where they hold her for ransom.  She teases muscleman Dakota (Phil Bendone) with her innocent charms, and he repays her by raping her.  She then seeks solace in the arms of the ringleader, Mrs. Coward (Mary Mendum, a veteran of many Joe Sarno movies), who also happens to be Virginia’s Home Ec. teacher!  Soon after, she’s teaching Virginia about the birds and the bees, if you catch my drift.  Before you can say “Stockholm Syndrome”, Virginia is seducing the whole gang.  The problem is, after so many sexual misadventures, will she even want to go back home? 

Little Girl Big Tease was released by Cannon Films (a few years before Golan and Globus bought them out) and it’s kind of typical for a drive-in softcore sexploitation flick.  It’s more of a straight-up crime movie than the Lolita knockoff it’s advertised to be, but there’s still enough of that to satisfy the audience so that nobody would’ve thought to ask for their money back.  Fans of Mendum will definitely want to give it a look as she has several spicy nude scenes.  The scene where she seduces Ray (who is very good in her only credited performance) is a real winner, as is the finale where she gets it on with all of the kidnappers. 

A lot of this is on the cheap side.  The story takes place in mostly one location and there are noticeable boom shadows on the wall.  Director Roberto Mitrotti (who mostly worked on documentaries after this) also goes a little overboard with the dissolves during some of the love scenes.  That doesn’t get in the way of the fun though.  They don’t make them like this anymore (for obvious reasons), but when they did, they sure knew how to make them.  Because of that, Little Girl Big Tease is a big winner for fans of ‘70s softcore smut. 

AKA:  Satisfaction Love.  AKA:  Captive Pleasures.  AKA:  Snatched.

THE TOP 10 FILMS OF 2024

 Now that I've finally had some time to reflect on the matter, here's my Top Ten Films of 2024:

1.       The Substance

2.      The First Omen

3.      Speak No Evil

4.      The Beekeeper

5.      Smile 2

6.      Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

7.      The Fall Guy

8.     Anora

9.     Terrifier 3

10.  Gladiator II

Runner-Up:  A Quiet Place:  Day One

SUBSERVIENCE (2024) *** ½

Matt once again had me on as a guest for his DTC Connoisseur Podcast this week.  It was an honor to appear on this special 200th episode and talk about Subservience.  It’s a fun listen, and if you want to hear our in-depth discussion, check it out here:  https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Nwkshc42ekeFQRBgwSMlA

Megan Fox stars in the surprisingly entertaining sci-fi flick from Millennium Films.  When Maggie (Madeline Zima) is sick in the hospital, her husband Nick (Michele Morrone) needs help around the house.  He does what any man would do in a situation like that:  Purchase a sexy lifelike AI robot maid named Alice (Fox).  Before long, Alice even takes to comforting the man of the house, if you know what I mean.  Trouble brews when Maggie comes home from the hospital and Alice decides nothing is going to stand in the way of her and her new sugar daddy. 

Fox is quite good in this.  It would be an easy jab to say that she is perfectly cast as a sexy and emotionless human robot.  However, if you look closer, she’s actually doing some interesting work here.  She has no prosthetics (that I could tell) and uses her blank stare and a monotone, yet friendly voice.  Her body language and mannerisms feel synthetic too.  Like she’s almost human.  Most of the time in these kinds of movies, the robots look too human.  Fox makes you feel like she’s totally a robot, except that she’s just real enough looking that you could absentmindedly find yourself telling all your troubles to her. 

Subservience is one of those movies that wind up being just a little better than they should be as the actors all commit to their roles better than you might expect.  S.K. Dale directed the hell out of this thing.  Whether he’s giving us a Fifty Shades of Sexbot sequence or delivering a Terminator-inspired action scene, Dale manages to breathe enough life into some of the standard cliches to make them feel fresh.  I also liked the way everyone just casually accepts robots in their everyday life (the robot maid store looks just like your average IKEA) and how their banal appearance sort of even makes them look even more threatening.  Dale also directed Fox in Till Death, which based on the strength of this, I just may have to check out. 

Essentially, this feels like a SyFy Channel and Lifetime had a baby.  Think The Wrong AI Nanny.  However, it hits all the right notes and delivers what you’d want from a Megan Fox robot movie.  And more. 

AKA:  Alice.

Monday, March 3, 2025

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME (1992) **

I saw this back in college with the intention of watching the TV show immediately afterwards.  It was such a dud that I immediately lost interest in watching the series.  Flash forward to last month when David Lynch passed away.  I decided to finally watch the original show as a tribute to him, and as it turned out, I loved it.  Afterwards, I figured I’d give Fire Walk with Me another chance.  I thought this time with the series fresh in my mind, it would change my feelings about the movie. 

Nope.  It’s still a big disappointment. 

Part of the problem with Fire Walk with Me is that it’s a prequel, and if you’ve seen the show (or at least know about it), you probably already know how it’s going to turn out.  All the buzz around who killed Laura Palmer made the show must see TV back in the day.  Watching this knowing who the killer is doesn’t help.  It also doesn’t help that it’s essentially one long death knell as we are watching the last days of a sad, broken teenage girl.  While it fills in the gaps of what happened the night Laura died, we never really learn anything about her.  Despite Sheryl Lee’s best efforts (she cries, screams, and snorts coke in nearly every scene), it’s all for naught as she’s so thinly written that she never becomes a three-dimensional character. 

Much of the problem is that it never really feels much like the show.  I know Lynch was working with a bigger canvas here, but the movie is missing the quirky charm and humor that made the show a cult hit.  The closest it comes ironically enough is in the prologue that isn’t set in Twin Peaks where FBI agents Chris Isaak and Kiefer Sutherland investigate a murder.  This stretch at least has some of the show’s peculiarity.  It doesn’t help though that Isaak literally disappears, and David Bowie is completely wasted in one scene. 

Another issue is that many characters from the show are conspicuously absent or are reduced to meaningless cameos.  Kyle MacLachlan is particularly wasted, which I guess makes sense, but it leaves you feeling shortchanged.  (His interaction with Miguel Ferrer is good though.)

Oh well, at least the first season is flawless and the second is mostly great.  Maybe I will feel different about Fire Walk with Me after I watch The Return.  I highly doubt it though. 

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

I wanted to get the results of the 18th Annual Video Vacuum Awards out before that OTHER big awards show, but as they say in Jurassic Park, “Life finds a way”.  They just don’t finish the thought.  “Life finds a way to interfere with blogging on a regular basis.”  Anyway, the votes have been tabulated, and the results are in.  Let’s start handing out some awards, shall we?

WORST SEQUEL/PREQUEL
(LOSER) Alien:  Romulus
Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F
The Strangers:  Chapter 1
Twisters
Venom:  The Last Dance

BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL
(WINNER) The First Omen
Gladiator II
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire
Smile 2
Terrifier 3

WORST REMAKE
(LOSER) The Killer
Nosferatu
Possession:  Kerasuken
Salem’s Lot
The Strangers:  Chapter 1

WORST HORROR MOVIE
In a Violent Nature
I Saw the TV Glow
(LOSER) Longlegs
The Mouse Trap
Stream

BEST HORROR MOVIE
The First Omen
Smile 2
Speak No Evil
(WINNER) The Substance
Terrifier 3

BEST ACTION MOVIE
(WINNER) The Beekeeper
The Fall Guy
Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga
Gladiator II
Road House

BEST ACTRESS
Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen
(WINNER) Demi Moore in The Substance
Margaret Qualley in The Substance
Naomi Scott in Smile 2
Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

BEST ACTOR
Ryan Gosling in The Fall Guy
(WINNER) James McAvoy in Speak No Evil
Dennis Quaid in The Substance
Jason Statham in The Beekeeper
Denzel Washington in Gladiator II

BEST DIRECTOR
David Ayer for The Beekeeper
(WINNER) Coralie Fargeat for The Substance
Parker Finn for Smile 2
Arkasha Stevenson for The First Omen
James Watkins for Speak No Evil

WORST MOVIE
In a Violent Nature
I Saw the TV Glow
The Killer
(LOSER) Longlegs
The Mouse Trap

BEST MOVIE
The Beekeeper
The First Omen
Smile 2
Speak No Evil
(WINNER) The Substance

Thanks again!  

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay, everyone.  The time is almost here.  We’re almost ready to reveal the winners of this year’s Video Vacuum Awards.  But before we do, as is the custom, we will announce the winners of the Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These are movies that are the best (or worst) in categories that had a narrow field of entrants, so technically, they are the winner.  Hence the “Technical” Awards.  And without further ado, here are your winners (and losers) …

BEST ACTRESS IN A HOT PREGNANT NUN MOVIE
(WINNER) Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

(RUNNER-UP) Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

WORST ACTION MOVIE
(LOSER) The Killer

(RUNNER-UP) Wanted Man

BEST APE MOVIE
(WINNER) Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

(RUNNER-UP) Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

BEST COMEDY
(WINNER) Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

(RUNNER-UP) Ghostbusters:  Frozen Empire

BEST COMPILATION
(WINNER) Hey Folks, It’s Intermission Time Mixtape

BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
(WINNER) Joker:  Folie a Deux

(RUNNER-UP) Deadpool and Wolverine

WORST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
(LOSER) Madame Web

(RUNNER-UP) Venom:  The Last Dance

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE
(WINNER) Road House

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE
(LOSER) The Killer

(RUNNER-UP) Wanted Man

BEST DOCUMENTARY
(WINNER) Yacht Rock:  A Dockumentary

BEST DRAMA
(WINNER) Anora

(RUNNER-UP) Nightbitch

WORST DRAMA 
(LOSER) Love Lies Bleeding 

BEST HOT PREGNANT NUN MOVIE
(WINNER) The First Omen

(RUNNER-UP) Immaculate

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW
(WINNER) The Fall Guy

BEST MUSICAL
(WINNER) Joker:  Folie a Deux

BEST REMAKE
(WINNER) Speak No Evil

(RUNNER-UP) Road House

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE
(WINNER) Godzilla x Kong:  The New Empire

(RUNNER-UP) A Quiet Place:  Day One

WORST STEPHEN KING MOVIE
(LOSER) Salem’s Lot

BEST SYDNEY SWEENEY MOVIE
(WINNER) Immaculate

WORST SYDNEY SWEENEY MOVIE
(LOSER) Madame Web

WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE
(LOSER) Nosferatu

(RUNNER-UP) Salem’s Lot

BEST WEREWOLF MOVIE
(WINNER) Werewolves 

Sit tight folks, the big show will be starting very soon!

Friday, February 28, 2025

THE TERROR OF ROME AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1964) ** ½

This was part of the “Sons of Hercules” series that played on TV in the ‘60s.  Avco Embassy Pictures imported a bunch of Italian musclemen movies for distribution, many of which featured the character of Maciste.  Since most American viewers had no idea who that was, he was rechristened the Son of Hercules.  These films were also given a cool “Sons of Hercules” theme song too as sort of a half-assed linking device, but they were all unrelated. 

For The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules, Maciste has been renamed Poseidon, but he’s not the god you remember from high school mythology class.  Poseidon (Mark Forest) is a tough gladiator who has the favor of the tyrannical Caesar.  He falls in love with a pretty Christian chick and when Caesar threatens to execute her people, Poseidon steps in to defy the emperor. 

The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules may not be the greatest toga tale in the world (it’s much more down to Earth than your average real-deal Hercules picture), but it’s certainly watchable for fans of the genre.  I liked that they kept coming up with excuses for Poseidon to get thrown back into the arena, so the fight scenes were at the very least plentiful.  Along the way, Poseidon is forced to compete in gladiator pit duels, a blindfolded knife fight, and in one scene, he even battles a gorilla!  Once he earns his freedom, he’s able to lead prison escapes and join warriors into battle against the evil Caesar.  Heck, he even gets to break some prison bars, lift heavy gates, and hurl giant stones at his enemies, just like his old man.  

It might’ve been nice if Hercules… er… Maciste… er… Poseidon had a villain worthy of the title.  Instead of the Terror of Rome, the bad guy is just an effeminate, overweight tyrant.  Not exactly terrifying if you ask me. 

All this is fun up to a point.  As a casual fan of the genre, I was mostly entertained.  It probably won’t be enough to make a believer out of non-fans of Italian muscleman cinema, but it was definitely one of the better Sons of Hercules films I’ve seen. 

AKA:  Maciste, Gladiator of Sparta.