SLAYERS (2022) ½ *

Slayers is a vampire movie.  It wants to be a horror comedy, but it fails miserably on both counts.  I will give it this:  It is (technically) a movie, and it does have vampires.  That’s about all I can say for it though. 

Thomas Jane stars as a grizzled vampire hunter with a Santa Claus beard.   When a group of social media putzes (I refuse to call anyone with a video blog an “influencer” because most of the time the only two things they influence are Jack and shit and Jack left town) get lured by a vampire to his mansion under the guise of using their social media platforms to roll out a new “vaccine”.  Naturally, the serum turns humans into vampires and it’s up to Jane to stake them before everyone likes and subscribes. 

Slayers goes so wrong so fast in so many ways it will make your head spin.  From the cringe worthy narration to the annoying YouTube and Tik Tok style videos to the video game graphics title cards, it is a fucking mess from top to bottom.  All this plays out like one long ADHD fever dream by a Mountain Dew-addled iPad kid who lost his last brain cell watching Skibidi Toilet. 

I guess the whole Tik Toker thing may have been borderline tolerable if the film was actually satirizing these sorts of individuals.  Instead, they’re thrown in there almost as a selling point.  Some fun may have been had watching these nimrods get slaughtered wholesale.  Heck, it might’ve even been watchable had the editor not chopped everything to bits and the graphics guy didn’t throw every chintzy title trick in the book onto the screen.  Not to mention all the stupid asides that would only make the most inebriated of souls chuckle.  (Example:  There’s a shot of some owls and their hooting is translated into English via subtitles.)

Near the end, the film uses clips from public domain movies like Nosferatu, Horror Express, and Silent Night, Bloody Night as flashbacks.  Seriously, don’t put clips of better movies into your shitty movie.  It will only make the audience want to watch those films instead. 

The sad thing is that Slayers manages to waste a solid cast.  Jane, Abigail Breslin, and Malin Ackerman are lost at sea with the limp material.  In fact, being a fan of the cast kind of makes it worse because you know they all deserve so much better (especially Ackerman). 

Considering Slayers is basically one long anti-vaxxer statement makes it especially hard to take.  Couple that with the fact it was filmed during the pandemic, which makes you think it honestly believes its convictions.  That sentiment right there is the final nail in the film’s… ahem… coffin. 

PLANET DUNE (2021) * ½

It’s been a while since I watched a “Mockbuster” from The Asylum.  Naturally, Planet Dune is The Asylum’s version of Dune, but done on a budget that wouldn’t even cover the catering cost for that movie.  It’s rare when they can get an actor to star in one of these things that’s tangibly related to the blockbuster they are mocking.  It’s kind of funny/sad that Sean Young, who starred in the 1984 original, agreed to appear in this.  In every scene, she has a look about her that says, “So… it’s come to this, huh?”  She gets through her dialogue scenes with all the energy of an actor who is getting paid just enough to leave their trailer.  You almost get the sense she gave the directors one take and one take only.  It’s enough to make her performance in Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective look dignified and thoughtful by comparison. 

A hot shot space pilot (Emily Killian) disobeys orders and is sent to prison.  There, she must fly freighters at the ass end of the galaxy on a desert planet.  When her mission goes sour, she and her crew are left stranded on the planet where they must contend with giant sandworms.  With no hope for a rescue, the crew tries to work together to survive.  

This is less a riff on Dune and more like a space version of Tremors.  That said, there is a scene where some characters ride on the back of a worm, so maybe this was one of those cases where The Asylum tried to get as close as they could to their inspiration without being sued.  The CGI sandworms themselves are pretty shoddy.  They look like The Langoliers with giant tails.  The spaceship effects are much better though, and while they aren’t exactly Industrial Light and Magic, they look more sophisticated than your typical Asylum joint. 

Too bad the movie itself just kind of sits there.  It would be one thing if it moved at a decent pace or had a sense of humor, but unfortunately that’s not the case.  Overall, it’s mostly forgettable and lame. 

Co-director Glenn Campbell also helmed the amusing Shark Side of the Moon. 

HOUSE OF DARKNESS (2022) ** ½

For a while there, Neil LaBute was the hottest name in the independent film world.  His first three movies, In the Company of Men, Your Friends and Neighbors, and Nurse Betty really announced him as a unique voice in cinema.  After his much maligned (but I liked it a lot) Wicker Man remake, his output became a bit spotty as he began mixing Hollywood fare like Lakeview Terrace with lots of television work.  House of Darkness finds him veering back into the horror territory of The Wicker Man.  While it’s not nearly as much fun as that flick, it certainly has its moments. 

Justin Long picks up Kate Bosworth at a bar and takes her back to her place for a night of fun.  The first sign that something is up is she lives in a castle that would look right at home in a Hammer movie.  Just when they are about to get down to business, they are interrupted by her spooky sister (Gia Crovatin) who wants to hear a ghost story. 

What’s unique about House of Darkness is that it finds LaBute exploring a lot of the same themes he dealt with in his early films (namely the power dynamic between women and men) but firmly set in the horror milieu.  Since the bulk of the movie is just Bosworth and Long (who were both in Barbarian the same year) talking, it often feels like a play.  Fortunately, both performers are quite good, and they hold your attention as they have genuine chemistry together.  Long (who has slowly become a horror mainstay in the last decade or so) is especially good as the womanizing philanderer who slowly begins to realize he’s in over his head with the sinister sisters. 

All of this is successful for a while.  It’s just that the deliberate pacing doesn’t do the movie any favors.  LaBute also waits far too long to play all his cards.  The twist ending is predictable and slight, which makes the film feel more like a shaggy dog story than a gothic horror campfire tale.  This kind of twist may have worked as a short story in an anthology horror flick.  As far as a full-length feature goes, it’s ultimately too little too late. 

HAVOC (2025) ***

Gareth Evans hasn’t made a movie in a while.  That’s mostly because this flick has been in limbo more or less since the pandemic.  Now that it’s finally arrived on Netflix, I can honestly say that while it is far from his best work, there are enough glimmers of gruesome action carnage here to make it worthwhile. 

Tom Hardy stars as a dirty cop in a dirty city run by a dirty mayor (Forest Whitaker).  When the mayor’s son (Justin Cornwell) winds up in the middle of a triad gang war, Hardy makes a deal with Whitaker to bring his son home.  In return, his debt to Whitaker will be erased.  That doesn’t sit well with Hardy’s even dirtier cop buddies, led by Timothy Olyphant, who want the kid dead for putting one of their own in the hospital.  Things get complicated when the triad shows up looking for retribution. 

Well, they all can’t be The Raid.  Hell, they all can’t even be The Raid 2.  While it takes a long time for Havoc to muster up some momentum, things perk up nicely during an epic nightclub brawl that features flashes of Edwards’ patented brand of cinematic violence.  Hardy takes on a bunch of meat cleaver and machete-toting gang members, and the ensuing gory geysers of gurgling blood would make your typical horror flick blush.  The finale, set at a snowy cabin in the woods, isn’t quite as frantically choreographed, but it does have a showstopping moment involving a speargun. 

Hardy brings the same kind of twitchy intensity he brought to the Venom movies.  Sometimes he slides into Nicolas Cage-style theatrics and over the top line readings (“I’M A FUCKING COP!”), which add to the fun.  Olyphant is quite good too as the slick, steely-eyed villain. 

Evans is one of the best action directors working today.  The one-two-three punch of Merantau, The Raid, and The Raid 2 was about as close as anyone’s come to replicating John Woo’s trifecta of A Better Tomorrow, The Killer, and Hard Boiled.  That said, Havoc is a good-not-great action flick that lacks the sustained intensity of Evans’ previous work.  Then again, it’s a bit unfair to compare it to those action classics, even if it is a bit uneven.  At any rate, it’s definitely well-worth checking out, especially for fans of bloody action brutality. 

Y2K (2024) **

It’s always odd to me (READ:  It makes me feel old) when people get nostalgic for shit I have absolutely no nostalgia for.  Case in point:  Y2K.  The first scene has the main character using dial-up internet to chat on AOL Instant Messenger.  I can honestly say I have no fondness for that shit, but you can tell the filmmakers are all rose-tinted glasses about it.  Then again, the film takes place a quarter of a century ago, which for the key demographic will be most (or all) of their lifespans.  So, what do I know?

The film follows a nerdy teen (Jaeden Martell from It) going to a New Year’s Eve party in 1999.  You remember that day?  When everyone thought all the computers were going to crash?  Anyway, it turns out Y2K is real and at the stroke of midnight, all machines go haywire and start killing everyone.  Everything from a Power Wheels car to a VCR to a blender becomes deadly.  Eventually, the teenage survivors band together to stop the machines once and for all. 

Basically, it’s kind of like a teen stoner comedy version of Maximum Overdrive. 

Oh, and the girl our main character is obsessed with is that Rachel Zegler chick.  You know, the one who tanked the Disney live-action remake genre for good?  So, you can probably tell it’s not going to work out for him in the long run. 

Y2K marks the directorial debut for SNL vet Kyle Mooney, who also plays a stoner video clerk.  Mooney used to make filmed segments for the show, and this film kind of feels like a feature length version of one of his sketches.  (The gratuitous celebrity cameo in the third act certainly feels like something you’d see an SNL musical guest do.)  While it might’ve made for a good Grindhouse style trailer, it fumbles at feature length.  The kills are admittedly amusing, but most everything else that holds it together is wafer thin.  (The humanoid computer people look like something from that Five Nights at Freddy’s bullshit.)

It was produced by A24, but it honestly feels like anyone could’ve made it really.  It doesn’t help that the movie features some of the worst music from the era played almost non-stop.  I guess you could argue some choices were for ironic effect.  I don’t know.  A lot of it seemed pretty sincere to me.  

Then again, I am not nostalgic for the era, so your mileage may vary. Let me put it to you this way:  Martell’s character makes a mix CD.  I made mixtapes back in my day.  We are two entirely different animals from two different eras.  I didn’t really mean to make this review a debate on whether my nostalgia is better than yours.  It’s just that, without the crutch of late ‘90s nostalgia, Y2K falls flat on its face.

THE BIKINI OPEN (1990) **

Bikini contests are an American tradition.  They’re as American as baseball or apple pie.  Although The Bikini Open showcases lots of footage of bikini clad babes from around the country, the presentation itself leaves something to be desired. 

The first competition is the Hawaiian Tropic contest in Daytona Beach, Florida.  It almost seems like paid programming for the company as they Interview with the owner who rubs elbows with the contestants.  But what a product!  Next up is Westhampton, New York.  In the interest of equality, we are forced to sit through a men’s competition before getting to the girls (which unfortunately is a running theme throughout the movie).  Then, it’s back to Florida, this time in Clearwater.  Unfortunately, it seems like it spends more time interviewing the judges than the contestants.  Fort Lauderdale is next.  This segment is ruined by footage of fat dudes participating in a belly flop contest before the bikini girls come out.  

Then, it’s off to my neck of the woods:  Ocean City, Maryland!  This segment is plagued by a men’s competition and even a kids’ contest (!?!?), but at least there are multiple ladies’ competitions.  It was cool for me to see some local celebrities like DJ Batman and The Hitman as emcees, and the bikini fitting at Body Double Swimwear is neat (even if it goes on too long).  For me, it was like a walk down memory lane.  Others may not be as impressed.

Then, it’s off to Rhode Island where we unfortunately have to sit through more male contests (accompanied by lane comic sound effects) before heading to Anaheim, California.  I liked the Anaheim contest because there’s a stripping component involved.  (One memorable contestant does a striptease out of a wedding dress.)  It’s also cool seeing Andy Sidaris star and Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton win the contest too. 

Speaking of winners, they all have a brief interview segment accompanied by shots of them walking on the beach in their (what else?) bikini.  These moments are among the best in the movie as the editing is relatively chill compared to the other scenes.  These interviews are occasionally enlightening.  (“Sometimes, I wish they knew I had a brain!”)  The interviews with the spectators are decidedly less so.  (More than one says, “I feel sorry for the judges!”) 

It’s hard to screw up hot girls in bikinis, but The Bikini Open certainly tries its darnedest.  The problem is that the contests themselves are overedited and you barely have time to enjoy watching the ladies walking the runway.  It’s one thing to have the montages of the girls and tourists horsing around on the beach cut to ribbons.  It’s another when the contests themselves are edited into oblivion.  Some scenes rush by so fast that I sometimes thought I was watching it in 1.5x speed. 

It’s also a bit of a cheat that they say there are ten contests, but they count two of the men’s competitions.  I mean they don’t even list the winners in the men’s categories as the finalists, so what was the point?  Still, it was nice that the winner from Ocean City contest, Karen Croney, took the top prize.  (Spoiler Alert for a thirty-five-year-old Pay Per View special.)  

WINCHESTER (2018) ***

The grief-stricken heir to the Winchester fortune (Helen Mirren) builds a sprawling mansion that is in a state of perpetual expansion.  It is full of many rooms and nearly all of them have no rhyme or reason.  The board of directors is worried she’s unfit to run the company, so they send a drug-addled doctor (Jason Clarke) to gauge her mental stability.  It seems she believes the house is haunted by the victims of her family’s rifles and she is making rooms in the house especially for them.  The ectoplasm hits the fan when a spirit possesses her grandchild.  The good doctor is then forced to come to grips with the supernatural. 

Haunted house movies are a tricky thing to pull off.  You can’t make the haunting too sublime or it won’t be scary, and if you really bring on the scares, you have to find a good reason to make everyone stay inside the house.  The Spierig (Daybreakers) Brothers seemed to have cracked the code as they waste no time doling out jump scares (including one by a roller skate, which may be a cinematic first) and freaky ghost shenanigans.  It helps that the film is based in fact (you can tell they’re riding on the coattails of the Conjuring franchise here) as the real Winchester house has been a tourist attraction for nearly a century. 

Another way you can work around the usual haunted house cliches is to set it in a house that has some personality.  The Winchester house has that in spades.  With its unpredictable architecture, you’re never quite sure what lies around the next corridor, which adds to the fun. 

The performances help enormously.  Mirren is pitch perfect as the matriarch who tries to keep the spirits at bay.  Clarke does fine work too as the skeptical doctor.  It was also fun seeing The Road Warrior's Bruce Spence as the wide-eyed butler. 

Sure, I’m more of a blood and guts kind of guy, but even I can admit when a PG-13 horror flick gets the job done.  It’s got plenty of atmosphere and jump scares, so it’s never boring.  All in all, Winchester is an entertaining Spook-A-Blast. 

AKA:  Winchester Mystery House.  AKA:  Winchester:  House of Ghosts.  AKA:  Winchester:  The House That Ghosts Built.