FUTURE ZONE (1990) ** ½

David Carradine returned (this time with an earring) for this uneven, but mildly entertaining sequel to Future Force.  He gets saddled with a young hotshot partner played by Ted Prior (brother of the director, David A. Prior) and together they investigate a bombing.  Ted has a Big Secret he’s just dying to tell David, but I’m sure you’ll figure out what it is before the second reel. 

The screenwriters mixed in a little bit of Terminator-style time travel for this one, although they never really take full advantage of the potential.  Also, where the Hell is the “Future Zone” of the title?  Did they just call it that because they thought it sounded cool?  (Admittedly, it kinda does.)

Carradine and Prior have an easygoing chemistry with one another and the film is at its best when they are on screen together.  The highlight comes when they have a big brawl, which is sort of their version of the They Live alley fight scene.  Sadly, Carradine’s solo scenes aren’t as much fun as they lack the silly charm of the original.  The great Charles Napier pops up too as a crooked politician, even though he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Carradine’s real life wife, Gail Jensen also appears playing his on-screen spouse. 

Even though this sequel has more Sci-Fi elements, the budget feels cheaper this time around.  Once again, Carradine has the Power Glove that shoots lightning, but he keeps it locked up for much of the picture.  Although the glove scenes are limited to the opening and closing action sequences, it does blow up a helicopter in the end, so there’s that. 

Even though it falls short of its predecessor in nearly every way, Future Zone remains a fitfully amusing good time.  The scant seventy-nine minutes running time helps, and Prior keeps the action moving so that you never really have time to linger on the film’s flaws.  The hilariously overwrought score is good for a few laughs too. 

AKA:  Future Force 2.

FUTURE FORCE (1989) ***

In the near future, crime is out of control.  The government creates a private police force called Civilian Operated Police Systems (C.O.P.S. for short) to deal with the chaos.  That means cops like David Carradine are now basically a cross between an independent contractor and a bounty hunter.  

Really, the long-winded exposition is just an excuse to give us Wild West style shootouts on regular looking city streets rather than one horse towns, or sometimes in titty bars instead of old timey saloons.  Oh, and did I mention Carradine wears a Power Glove-inspired gauntlet that shoots lasers?

Anyway, the plot has a news anchor who is about to do a story on the crooked head of the C.O.P.S.  He doesn’t like that she’s been poking her nose in his illegal affairs, so he rigs the system and puts a bounty out on her.  Carradine arrests her, and soon after, not only are the bad guys after them, but so are all the C.O.P.S. who are looking to collect the bounty. 

Directed by David A. Prior for Action International Pictures, Future Force is silly fun.  Couple the Power Glove rip-off with Carradine’s trademark world-weariness and deadpan delivery, and you have a recipe for a breezy and cheezy beer and pizza movie.  It almost plays like a futuristic version of Wanted:  Dead or Alive and has some truly funny touches along the way (like the head of one of the crime syndicates being a priest).  I also dug the fact that all the C.O.P.S. dressed like extras from a biker movie. 

The highlight of the hilarity comes at the climax when Carradine battles Mr. Clean himself, Robert Tessier in a junkyard.  Down but not out, Carradine grabs the remote on his Power Glove and makes it fly around by itself and beat Tessier to a pulp.  In a word… Cinema. 

Carradine equips himself nicely here.  It’s hard to think of many actors who could sell this sort of silliness with a straight(ish) face and make it work.  Tessier (in one of his final roles) is also fun as the villain’s right-hand man.  Also in the mix is Fred Olen Ray regular (and ex-wife) Dawn Wildsmith, as the lone C.O.P. who remains loyal to Carradine. 

A sequel, Future Zone followed the next year. 

AKA:  C.O.P.S.

CAMP BLOOD CLOWN SHARK (2024) **

In this 13th(ish) entry in the long running Camp Blood franchise, Jerry (Anna Dainton), a spunky chick with red hair, decapitates the Camp Blood clown killer and tosses his head into the lake.  Six months later, the floating head grafts itself onto a random fish and somehow turns into a shark that starts eating swimmers and fishermen.  Meanwhile, Jerry begins having nightmares about the shark’s victims.  Eventually, she returns to stop the killer once and for all. 

The opening isn’t bad.  In fact, just about any scene with Dainton is pretty good.  Unfortunately, most of Camp Blood Clown Shark is a mess.  The kill scenes are mostly lame, but the bathtub attack is decent enough.  The effects for the shark are pathetic too as it’s just a Halloween mask superimposed over footage of a real shark.  (Amazingly, the Styrofoam fin that rises above the water looks more believable.)

Even though it’s only seventy minutes, it’s still padded with lots of nightmare scenes (some of which look like AI was used).  There’s also a subplot about rednecks trying to dish out vigilante justice to a relative of the Camp Blood killer that eats up a lot of screen time.  (Speaking of padding, there’s one scene where a woman yells, “Shark” over and over again as the shark’s POV swims through the water that goes on way too long.)  I sort of think the filmmakers started with a more traditional sequel plot then halfway through, someone got the idea to make the killer a shark, and they just tossed both ideas into the mix.  I mean, I’m always up for a dopey shark movie.  It’s just that the two halves make for a disjointed whole.

Longtime Polonia Brothers actor Jeff Kirkendall (who plays the sheriff) co-directed alongside Mark Polonia for this one.  Mark also shows up as one of the rednecks and Anthony Polonia (who did the special effects) has a cameo as a victim.  It’s Dainton who makes it watchable though.  Jennie Russo is also good as her sister who figures into the aforementioned bathtub scene. 

While it is certainly an inspired way to continue the franchise, fans of the Camp Blood movies will likely be disappointed by the lack of kills and thrills normally associated with series.  Shark movie enthusiasts are probably more inclined to enjoy it (there’s a crooked mayor character right out of Jaws), but that still doesn’t mean it’s very good.  I did like the unexpected (but not exactly successful) homage to the teaser trailer for Leatherface:  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.

BLACK WIDOW (2008) ** ½

Melanie (Alicia Coppola) is a journalist who has a crush on her rich friend Danny (Randall Batinkoff).  When Danny begins seeing the sexy Olivia (Elizabeth Berkley), Melanie, out of possibly a tinge of jealousy, begins checking up on her.  She slowly begins to suspect that Olivia is laundering money out of a local charity, but of course nobody believes her.  Even worse is the fact that Olivia may also be a serial murderer who marries and buries her rich husbands. 

Directed by Armand (He Knows You’re Alone) Mastroianni, Black Widow was made for The Lifetime Channel.  This was the era that was in between the ‘90s, when they would rerun network TV Movies of the Week, and today, when most of the “Wrong” series of thrillers dominate the airways.  In fact, this almost feels like an early blueprint for those films. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for Lifetime movies, so this one went down smooth enough.  The scenes of Berkley romancing Batinkoff are amusing.  It’s funny seeing her neckline become progressively lower from scene to scene, which correlates to his infatuation level.  The stuff with Coppola and her girl Friday (Adriana DeMeo) digging into Berkley’s past are kind of cliché, but still watchable.  Even when the plot begins spinning its wheels, you can still enjoy seeing Berkley and Coppola (no relation to Francis and his clan) acting catty towards each other. 

Berkley is well cast as the femme fatale.  This isn’t quite in the same league as her immortal turn in Showgirls, but it’s fun, nevertheless.  Coppola is strong as the heroine who uses her journalism skills to uncover Berkley’s secrets, and Batinkoff is very Henry Thomas-like as the clueless mark.  George (Fletch) Wyner also turns up as Coppola’s boss. 

No one reinvented the wheel with this one.  Mastroianni didn’t hit it out of the park or anything (the third act, especially the final confrontation with Berkley, is rushed), but it’s a respectable extra-base hit.  If you find yourself watching this kind of stuff on rainy afternoons, it will get the job done.  Berkley fans will also want to give it a look.

AKA:  Dark Beauty.

CQ (2002) ***

Jeremy Davies stars as an editor on a Sci-Fi movie in the ‘60s.  In his spare time, he works on a personal black and white autobiographical documentary which is a stark contrast to the film at his day job.  When the director is fired, it falls on Davies to finish the movie. 

Written and directed by Roman Coppola, CQ is a love letter to a bygone era of moviemaking.  You can almost imagine him hearing stories from his dad, Francis Ford Coppola and using it for fodder for his film.  The scenes of the movie within a movie (Codename:  Dragonfly) are a lot of fun.  They are obviously modeled on Barbarella, and Coppola admirably recreates that film’s cheeky aesthetic.  (One of the stars of Barbarella, John Phillip Law, also turns up in a supporting role.)  The film’s finale also owes a debt to THD-1138, which the elder Coppola also produced. 

The cast is great.  Davies is solid in the lead playing a more polished version of his typical introvert character.  Gerard Depardieu is amusing as the temperamental director who gets fired and Jason Schwartzman is fun as the hotshot director brought in to salvage the picture.  Billy Zane is a hoot as the actor who plays the villain in the film within a film.  We also have Dean Stockwell as Davies’ dad and Giancarlo Gianni as the producer. 

It’s Angela Lindvall who steals the movie as the sexy actress who plays the Barbarella-inspired character.  She really nails the acting style necessary for the part as she makes her character Dragonfly quite endearing.  (I’d pay to see a real feature length version of the fake movie.)  She’s also quite good in her scenes as the actress as she is a double threat in both the “real” and “reel” sequences. 

Sure, CQ is lightweight, but it’s also a lot of fun.  It’s got style for days and is able to coast on vibes alone.  Fans of Barbarella will definitely appreciate the homage and those who enjoy movies about the filmmaking process will dig it too. 

JACKALS (2017) ****

Jimmy (Stephen Dorff) is a former Marine turned deprogrammer who kidnaps a rich kid named Justin (Ben Sullivan) from a cult and brings him to a cabin in the woods.  There, he and Justin’s family stage an intervention and try to undo the cults’ mental hold over him.  It doesn’t take long before the cult members show up with the intent to bring Justin home and slaughter anyone who stands in their way. 

Director Kevin (Saw X) Greutert kicks things off with a solid Halloween-inspired opening shown from a killer’s POV.  After a while, the film turns into a siege movie.  Think Split Image meets The Strangers.  I find cult mentalities and deprogramming fascinating so I may have enjoyed this one more than the general consensus.  I also have a small place in my heart for siege films too, so again your enjoyment for this nasty piece of work may differ from mine. 

Greutert delivers a three chords suspense picture that hits the right notes and contains at least one strong jump scare.  He maintains a claustrophobic atmosphere throughout and keeps the pace moving with precision.  Most of the family’s strife is unpleasant, but that just adds to the overall tension.   Also interesting is the fact that the script deliberately leaves the cult’s intentions and beliefs vague.  They just want Justin.  Honestly, I admire the stripped-down approach, especially when it’s in favor of delivering shocks. 

Jackals also features a solid cast.  Dorff is a standout as the gruff but focused deprogrammer.  Jonathan Schaech and Debra Kara Unger are both excellent as the parents too.  Sullivan is also quite good as the brainwashed son. 

This is not a fun movie.  It is often sadistic and nihilistic.  It is also quite effective and unsettling.  If you don’t want to be disturbed, then steer clear at all costs.  However, for those with steely resolve, Jackals is a heck of a ride. 

LEATHER AND LACE (198?) ****

Black Magic and the Pussycats are an all-girl, all-nude band that performs while a sexy brunette (presumably named “Black Magic”, but there’s no credits or hardly any information available about this fascinating relic anywhere online) performs stripteases.  (Actually, the band are mostly for show as they are clearly miming the different songs that are heard on the soundtrack.)  Then, they back a nude ballet number with a guy prancing around naked and women running around and wrapping him up with ribbon.  Next, they play “O Pretty Woman” (well, Roy Orbison does) while Black Magic (I’ll just call her that for the sake of argument) lip synchs and takes her clothes off (she also lip synchs to Donna Summer’s “Bad Girls”). 

Next up is a film segment about a motorcycle rider who spies on a scantily clad girl playing a flute in the woods.  Then, it’s back to Black Magic lip synching to Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child in the City”.  Afterwards, she performs more numbers including a cover of “Black Magic”, “Hot Stuff”, and a reprise of “Bad Girls” (on top of a scaffolding with back-up dancers). 

Then, it’s back to the lovers in the forest who get it in while smooth jazz plays in the background (but not before he performs some nude gymnastics).  Black Magic soon returns to perform the dirty novelty country songs “Dolly Parton’s Tits” and “I’ve Seen Public Hair (a parody of “I’ve Been Everywhere”).  Next is a Bobby and Cissy type of number, if Cissy was Asian and wore a see-thru nightie, that is. 

Finally, we get to our leather portion of the show and was it ever worth the wait!  Our leading lady comes out dressed like a dominatrix in leather crotchless chaps wielding a whip and dancing proactively to a few instrumental numbers.  Meanwhile, we cut back to our lovebirds in the forest where the gal watches her man perform more gymnastic feats before making love by the fire.  Then, three gals perform a nude tap dance routine… and… well… that’s it!

Leather and Lace is a jaw dropping time capsule.  I love this kind of dated fusion of rock n’ roll and T & A.  I admire the purity of the concept as it’s nothing but music and nudity.  There’s no attempt to make sense out of any of it.  It just happens.  We probably didn’t need the scenes with all the swinging dicks (sometimes quite literally), but I guess you’ve got to have something in there for the ladies too.

I don’t know much about Black Magic and the Pussycats, but they have one-upped the band The Ladybirds from The Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield.  Whereas The Ladybirds played topless, these girls rock out totally in the buff.  Now, it’s debatable if the Pussycats actually play their instruments, but when they look this hot, who cares? 

I caught this oddity on The Roku Channel, The B-Zone.  The movie (if you want to call it that) doesn’t have an IMDb page.  There’s very little information about it on the internet (aside from a few short clips that are on a porn site that will probably give me a hundred viruses if I click on it).  In fact, The B-Zone may be the only place you can see it in its entirety.  If you aren’t already in the know, The B-Zone is the greatest streaming channel around.  It plays tons of vintage ‘80s erotica like this.  From Playboy Channel specials to celebrity workout videos, it’s got a bevy of wonderful oddities.  If you like old-timey smut like me, you should add it to your Roku player and see what you’re missing.