SEX-O-PHRENIA (1970) ***

Rene Bond stars as a lonely housewife who is suffering from cripplingly powerful sexual fantasies.  Whenever she just thinks about sex, she has to strip down and pleasure herself.  After her husband spurns her sexual advances, she goes out and picks up a wino from the gutter and brings him back to their garage to bang.  When he fails to satisfy her, Rene uses his wine bottle to get off!  Later, she seduces her next-door neighbor on the kitchen floor, but much to his chagrin, his wife catches them in the act.  Bond then further spirals headlong into a sexual frenzy with little hope of finding a cure. 

Sex-O-Phrenia is a surprisingly fun skin flick that is packed with amusing moments.  Things kick off with a funny opening when a doctor miraculously appears in Bond’s living room and addresses the audience about her titular condition.  There’s also an odd scene where the camera keeps cutting away from Bond making love to two dead roaches. 

Bond gives an excellent performance in this.  She’s equally good during her dramatic scenes where she is trying to get her disinterested husband to notice her as she is in her sex scenes.  Speaking of which, there’s a hot scene where Bond uses a vibrator while having a sexual fantasy.  I also thought it was a nice touch that whenever she is in the grips of her sexual compulsion, she is shown wearing Raggedy Ann-inspired make-up.  Fans of Bond will definitely want to give this a look as she is practically the whole show. 

It looks like it was at one time a hardcore porno, but some sneaky bastard took a pair of scissors to it and cut it all up.  (Well, there are some fleeting glimpses of near-hardcore footage.)  The relatively scant fifty-seven-minute running time kind of supports that theory.  It’s not any kind of forgotten classic by any means, but it is nice that the filmmakers attempted to at least broach the psychological aspects of sexual desire instead of just indifferently churning out another dirty movie. 

AKA:  Sexophrenia.

DARK ECHOES (1977) **

A hundred years ago, a boat sank in an Austrian lake.  Now, the place is supposedly haunted by the ghost of the vengeance-seeking boat captain.  Things go from bad to worse when villagers begin turning up dead.  Flummoxed, the local police call on the services of a psychic investigator from America (Joel Fabiani) to check the place out.  Along with a reporter (former Bond girl Karin Dor from You Only Live Twice), he does some digging before eventually coming face to face with the gruesome ghost. 

Dark Echoes was the sole writing and directing credit for the awesomely named George Robotham, who was a stuntman and bit player for most of his career.  He specialized in underwater sequences, which probably explains all the scuba diving scenes in the third act.  Fabiani’s extended underwater fight with the “ghost” is OK, but it doesn’t quite make up for the long, pointless slow-motion shots of him skiing early in the film though. 

The investigation scenes into the town’s past are rather pedestrian.  There’s definitely a Scooby-Doo kind of vibe going on as the skull-faced boat captain looks very much like the sort of villain of the week Shaggy and the gang would encounter.  (He was created by none other than Planet of the Apes’ John Chambers.)  The ghost attack sequences are decent enough I suppose, but the pacing is much too leisurely to build any real suspense.

The subplot about a witch and her coven of cult members performing a ritual in the town’s catacombs is kind of fun though, especially when they break out into a half-assed dance number.  It’s here where some of the frenzied ladies in the group slip in and out of their robes.  The nudity from these probably unknown actresses is the definite high point in what is an otherwise tepid horror flick.  Our hero’s frequent psychic episodes, which are accompanied by a humorous sounding sting on the soundtrack, are good for a chuckle or two, and there’s a hilariously bad decapitation in there as well.  Despite those quality moments, I’m sure Dark Echoes won’t reverberate with most viewers. 

AKA:  Dark Echo.

TRANSFORMERS ONE (2024) ****

This animated prequel to the beloved Hasbro toy line shows how Optimus Prime (the voice of Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (the voice of Brian Tyree Henry) became mortal enemies.  They start off as the best of friends, working lowly mining jobs with Optimus generally causing trouble and Megatron having to bail him out.  Eventually, the duo learns that their leader, Sentinel Prime (the voice of Jon Hamm) has been lying to them and giving the planet’s resources to evil alien invaders.  With the help of Alpha Trion (the voice of Laurence Fishburne), they are able to unlock their transformation powers to save the planet. 

At first, it’s a little odd hearing the Transformers voiced by big Hollywood stars instead of the familiar voices from the old cartoon and live action films.   It also takes some time to get used to their new baby-faced appearance.  The good news is that feeling evaporates rather quickly as the script is witty, smart, and surprisingly heartfelt.

Plus, the animation is terrific.  It looks so good that it makes you wish Paramount would let the live action franchise finally die off so they could make this the main series.  (Fat chance since this was not a hit.)  The scenes set in the Transformer home planet look like a robot version of the city in The Fifth Element, and the action sequences are a blast too.  (The big race sequence is reminiscent of the pod race from The Phantom Menace.) 

The biggest surprise is that the characters (even though they are younger and brasher than the versions we grew up with) really pull you into the world.  The friendship between Optimus and Megatron is engaging, and when there is a rift between them, you genuinely feel it.  Megatron’s slow… ahem… transformation from cocky best friend to brooding villain is fully fleshed out and realized.  These kind of simple, yet effective characterizations are sorely lacking in the other incarnations of the franchise and seem downright Shakespearean compared to the live action movies. 

I’m actually shocked how much I enjoyed this.  It might even be better than Bumblebee.  It just goes to show there’s more to Transformers One than meets the eye. 

THE ORAL GENERATION (1973) ** ½

The Oral Generation purports to provide sexual education to the female viewer.  Seeing how an overwhelming amount of these kinds of films caters to the male audience, that’s kind of noble, I guess.  To back up that claim, the first sex scene is a long cunnilingus sequence focusing on the woman’s pleasure.  Next, we meet a housewife yearning to pleasure her husband orally who reads a book about giving head and then shows him what she learned.  Another woman fantasizes about going down on a black martial artist (his karate demonstration is humorously intercut with their lovemaking).  Then, a woman shows off her oral skills and, with a little aid from some petroleum jelly, helps her lover achieve a climax.  In the final segment, a bored housewife acquiesces to her husband’s desire to spice up their love life by allowing another woman into their bedroom. 

The movie begins with a cool look at 42nd Street where the theatre marquees advertise everything from The Bizarre Ones to a Godzilla triple feature.  Sadly, that’s about as seedy as it gets.  The Oral Generation is more of a “white coater” as it provides the audience hardcore action under the guise of “sex education”.  (We are shown many “how to” manuals and hear about laws prohibiting certain types of sexual activity.)  The dry, clinically accurate (for the time) narration enhances the educational feeling, but it consequently prevents the proceedings from getting too sexy. 

Overall, The Oral Generation is a moderately successful hardcore flick.  True to its title, it features a heavy concentration of oral scenes.  Although none of them are exactly high caliber (the nutty Kung Fu scene is at least memorable), there are certainly plenty of them to go around.  Because of that, fans with an oral fixation will no doubt walk away satisfied by this one.  Other folks will probably wish there was a little more variety on hand. 

According to IMDb, director Richard Franklin is apparently not the same Richard Franklin who made Fantasm (and Psycho 2).

POPEYE’S REVENGE (2025) ** ½

First, it was Winnie-the-Pooh.  Then, it was Mickey Mouse.  Now, it’s Popeye’s turn to star in his own low budget public domain slasher movie. 

Like Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey, Popeye’s Revenge kicks off with a crummy animated backstory for our titular slasher.  And like Blood and Honey, it’s a British production.  I wonder how come it’s always the Brits who are getting first dibs on American public domain characters and turning them into low budget slashers.  Maybe it’s payback for that whole Revolutionary War thing.

Anyway, Popeye is born with freakish forearms.  As a child, he is bullied and kills his tormentor.  A mob soon forms and sends the little tyke scurrying to the bottom of a nearby lake.  Fifteen years later, a trio of YouTubers come to the lake to make a video about him and are promptly killed off.  Meanwhile, some teens head to Popeye’s house with the intention of turning it into a haunted attraction, unaware that he is lurking about. 

Well blow me down, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. 

This version of Popeye is basically Jason in a sailor suit (and large forearms) as he kills anyone who fornicates around his lake.  Like Jason in Friday the 13th Part 3, he also crushes people’s skulls with his bare hands until their eyes pop out.  Popeye indeed.  Unlike other screen Popeyes, he doesn’t sing any Harry Nilsson songs, which gives him the slight edge over Robin Williams’ interpretation of the character. 

It may be a stupid public domain slasher, but it delivers on the gore and T & A, so what more can you really ask?  Popeye bludgeons people with an anchor, stomps on skulls, puts his fist through someone’s chest, and runs over someone with an industrial grade lawnmower.  He also does a little Predator style action when he rips someone’s spine out, and there’s a Zombie-inspired splinter in the eye gag too.  The standout scene though is when Popeye catches a dude jerking off and slams his anchor right into the poor guy’s junk mid-stroke. 

There’s another great moment where he kills Atlanta Moreno while she’s relaxing topless in a hot tub.  Moreno has one of the most memorable physiques I’ve seen in some time.  It’s just a shame she gets offed about halfway through.  Oh, and did I mention Olive Oyl is in it too?  She’s kind of like his groupie that hangs around and spooks the potential victims before Popeye shows up. 

The filmmakers did miss a bet by not making spinach an important plot point though.  Aside from finding an empty can, Popeye’s favorite vegetable doesn’t really come into play.  I was hoping he was going to get killed by the Final Girl but then ate some spinach and became freakishly strong or some shit.  Oh well. 

I did find it hilarious that when these filmmakers exploit a character that is in the public domain, they put their copyright in bold lettering on the title screen so no one can do the same thing to them for another ninety-five years. 

While it’s only seventy-nine minutes long, it does get a little bogged down in the final reel.  The last-minute backstory that cribs from A Nightmare on Elm Street was kind of unnecessary too.  Sure, Popeye’s Revenge isn’t exactly strong to the finish, but as far as these things go, you can do a lot worse. 

THE MONKEY (2025) *** ½

Osgood Perkins’ movies have always left me cold.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but be curious when I learned he was making a big screen version of the Stephen King short story, The Monkey.  The tale had already been (unofficially) adapted as notoriously shitty The Devil’s Gift, so even with Perkins at the helm, it had to be an upgrade from that flick.  The good news is The Monkey is a lot of fun.  Unlike Perkins’ previous efforts, it doesn’t take itself too seriously and has a dark sense of humor that’s often very funny.  Plus, it’s gory as all get out which is always welcome. 

Twin brothers Hal and Bill (Christian Convery) find a wind-up monkey in their dad’s closet and soon learn whenever it beats its drum, someone dies.  They quickly decide to get rid of it and throw it down a well.  Twenty-five years later, they grow up to be played by Theo James.  When a rash of ghoulish accidents plague their hometown, Hal returns to find Bill has been using the monkey to kill people. 

James is solid in the lead, but it’s the supporting cast who steal the show.  Adam Scott is funny as the father seen in flashback who frantically tries to get rid of the monkey.  Tatiana Maslany is also funny as the boys’ mother, Elijah Wood hams it up as a self-help guru, and Perkins himself gets some laughs as the boys’ creepy uncle. 

The death scenes have a Final Destination kind of vibe as they involve mishaps with a speargun, a hibachi chef, a gas stove, a swimming pool, a shotgun, a vape, and a hornets’ nest.  Guts are torn out, heads are lopped off, faces are set on fire, and bodies explode.  You know, the good shit.  There are also some funny scenes peppered along the way like a young priest giving a thoroughly awful eulogy. 

In short, The Monkey is gory, goofy fun from start to finish.  It’s easily Perkins’ best film by a country mile.  If he can turn out another banger like this one, I’d consider myself a fan. 

THE 15:17 TO PARIS (2018) **

In 2015, three American servicemen traveling through Europe stopped a terror attack aboard a train.  That’s the kind of story Hollywood loves to make a movie about.  Only a guy like Clint Eastwood would cast the real-life heroes as themselves. 

This sort of thing has a precedent, but you have to go back to the ‘50s when war hero Audie Murphy played himself in To Hell and Back.  (Something tells me these guys won’t have the same kind of career as Murphy had.)  The cheeseball sentiment that permeates the film feels like it came out of the ‘50s too.  All of this is well-intentioned to be sure, but it’s never quite successful. 

The first act flashbacks of the real-life heroes growing up play like a bad After School Special.  These scenes are oddly paced and feel more like filler than anything.  (The scenes with them in gym class where they wear camouflage shirts while everyone else wears a uniform so you can pick them out of the group are unintentionally funny.)  The second act is somewhat better, but it too often feels like an extended travelogue of Europe.  As noble and brave as these guys are, I don’t really need to see their vacation videos (and dramatized ones at that).

The act of heroism doesn’t occur till the very end and even then, it’s over pretty quickly.  I will say it is legitimately suspenseful, even if you know the outcome.  (What’s impressive is that the three friends spend more time tending to the wounded till help arrives than they do taking down the gunman.)  Until those closing moments, it’s kind of a slog. 

As far as the three stars go, I think I can give them a pass.  They equip themselves as well as can be expected, especially for nonprofessional actors.  While I’m sure “real” actors could’ve done it “better”, it’s easy to see why Eastwood thought they were the right men for the job.  However, the fact that we have recognizable stars like Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer playing two of their moms kind of throws off the “reality” Eastwood is trying to capture.  The rest of the supporting cast is mostly made up of actors known for their comic chops, which is kind of odd.  We have Thomas Lennon as the kids’ principal, Tony Hale as their gym teacher, and Jaleel White as their teacher.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Dirty Harry directed Urkel in a movie, but here we are.