THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: BLOODY AXE WOUND (2024) **

Abbie (Sari Arambulo) is the daughter of Roger Bladecut (Billy Burke), a prolific serial killer with dozens of horror sequels to his name.  Abbie is convinced it’s time to inject the series with some new blood and tries to convince her dad to let her take up the mantle.  Once she is locked in as the new killer, she realizes the kids she’s supposed to brutally murder aren’t all that bad.  Complicating things further is the fact that she has a crush on the dope smoking drummer (Molly Brown) who’s next on her victim list. 

A lot of the humor in Bloody Axe Wound is right on the nose and not particularly funny.  It’s also hard to figure out the “rules” of the in-movie universe.  I mean Bladecut owns a video store that rents out his horror movies.  That makes me wonder who’s filming and releasing the videos?  Do other serial killers have rival stores that only stock their films?  How did they get Jeffrey Dean Morgan to star in one of these things?  It brings up more questions than it answers, and what intriguing ideas the filmmakers do introduce are almost immediately forgotten.  Because of that, the whole thing winds up being more frustrating than fun. 

The gore is over the top though.  Too bad the various stabbings and hackings are mostly done for comedic effect.  Usually, these excesses turn out to be not very funny, especially when the extreme bloodletting just goes on and on without much of a payoff. 

The performances are a mixed bag at best.  Brown is good as the sexy drummer.  She kind of has a Kristen Stewart quality about her that works for the Final Girl role.  Arambulo on the other hand is grating as the serial killer with second thoughts.  You never really buy her transformation from killer to the potential victims’ ally.  Then again, that’s more of the script’s fault than hers.  As the serial killer Bladecut, Burke doesn’t get much to do aside from wear some bad prosthetics and imitate Thomas Jane’s gravelly delivery. 

There is an idea or two that may have worked if the filmmakers fleshed it out a little.  Ultimately, the movie winds up feeling more like a rushed first draft than a polished final product.  Because of that, Bloody Axe Wound doesn’t cut too deep. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: CUCKOO (2024) **

Gretchen (Hunter Schafer) moves to the German Alps with her family where her young sister is being treated by a smarmy doctor (Dan Stevens).  The odd doctor gets her a job working at his resort where she begins experiencing weird déjà vu like flashes before something bad happens.  Gretchen also suffers a series of accidents which everyone seems to blame on her.  Also troubling is the random appearances of a crazy looking lady who may be the cause of her hallucinations. 

Schafer gives an excellent performance in Cuckoo and it’s a shame the movie itself never matches her energy.  Even when everything is circling the drain, she remains a charismatic presence on screen and gives 110%.  I want to see the film she thinks she’s acting in.  I’m sure it’s great.  Stevens is amusing as the geeky German goofball who runs the resort who brings a much-needed kooky vibe to the proceedings.  Sadly, they are about the only bright spots to be found.

The remote lodge in a foreign country is a great location for a horror flick, as it heightens our teenage heroine’s sense of isolation.  The problem is writer/director Tilman (Luz) Singer never complements the setting with anything remotely horrific.  In addition, the central mystery never really becomes all that intriguing, and the suspense and/or horror scenes mostly land with a big shrug.  The biggest bust is the oddball lady who is at the center of everything.  She just seems more like a case of the filmmakers coming up with a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake than trying to create a mysterious supernatural entity to base a movie around.  (It kind of reminded me of It Follows as the scenes of the old bag randomly appearing, screaming, and running towards the characters have a similar vibe.)

Ultimately, aside from the performances by Schafer and Stevens, there’s not much here to go cuckoo about. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE DELIVERANCE (2024) ***

When Lee (Precious) Daniels makes a horror movie, you know you’re in for… well… something.  Ebony (Andra Day) moves her family into a new house and before they can even get settled in, cliched horror shit starts happening left and right.  Flies are buzzing around like it’s The Amityville Horror and her young son is talking to ghosts like in The Sixth Sense.  Pretty soon, the kids are winding up with mysterious bruises, and CPS starts making calls to the house, but is Ebony the one putting hands on her kids?  Or is there a demon possessing them?

Glenn Close is the MVP here.  She gamely chews the scenery as Day’s feisty mother who lives with the family and wears a rather hilarious collection of meemaw attire.  She doesn’t even let the fact that she’s going through chemotherapy stop her from trying to pick up men half her age. 

Knowing that this was directed by Lee Daniels, you may be tempted to think it’s going to be Precious Meets the Exorcist.  While that’s not quite the vibe, it’s pretty darn close.  The early scenes of parental neglect and abuse are like Precious, but with a bunch of supernatural occurrences. 

Even as far as cheesy Exorcist rip-offs go, there is some crazy shit here.  Remember that scene in The Exorcist when Regan was sleepwalking and peed herself?  Daniels ups the ick factor by having one of the possessed kids take a shit in the middle of class and THROW it at his teacher.  Ellen Burstyn got off light. 

Speaking of The Exorcist, here’s another tweak on the usual formula:  Remember the infamous spider walk scene?  Well in this one the kid walks up the walls like Spider-Man!  Another hilarious wrinkle comes during the “deliverance” when the kid takes the form of Close who starts cursing like a sailor. 

It’s moments like this that make The Deliverance trashy fun.  Some may take issue with the way Daniels portrays casual child abuse, but the undiluted depiction is what makes it work.  I don’t think we’ve seen a haunted house/possession flick like this since Amityville 2 (minus the incest angle). 

I also liked the way Daniels kept it real.  Like, in most possession movies when the mom consults a priest, they meet in a church or something.  In The Deliverance, they meet at a McDonald’s.  I’m loving it. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE (2025) ½ *

Disfigured child abductor Peter Pan (Martin Portlock) kidnaps a young boy named Michael Darling (Peter DeSouza-Feighoney).  Soon after, he comes for Michael’s older sister Wendy (Megan Placito).  She then must rescue her brother before the evil Peter takes them both to “Neverland” forever.

Set in the same shared “Twisted Childhood Nightmares” universe as Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey (which I assume will eventually lead to an Avengers-style team-up at some point), Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare is a mess.  For some reason, in the early scenes, Peter Pan looks like Tiny Tim dressed up as The Crow, which I’m sure isn’t quite the way J.M. Barrie originally imagined him.  He also lures kids in a manner that is not too different than Pennywise.  All the clown imagery makes me suspect that this version of the character is less inspired by Peter Pan and more of a cash-in on Art the Clown. 

What’s odd is that later in the film they drop the Art the Clown shtick as Peter dons a blank, expressionless mask and starts driving around in a work van kidnapping “lost boys”, effectively turning himself into a low rent version of The Grabber from The Black Phone.  Why did the filmmakers get so hung up ripping off current releases instead of relying on their public domain mascot?  It’s probably due to the fact that the character of Pan doesn’t really lend himself to a horror flick.  Even then, they should’ve at least tried to do something novel with the concept.  Unless you count the scene where Peter shoots “pixie dust” (heroin) into his arms which makes him “fly”. 

Maybe it wouldn’t have even been a problem if the movie had been… you know… good.  However, it makes Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey look like Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey 2 in comparison.  (A character is seen wearing a Blood and Honey T-shirt at one point.)

Oh, and did I mention that Tinker Bell (Kit Green) is Peter’s trans companion?  (“I’m a fairy!”)  Wow.  The briefly seen, terribly underutilized Captain Hook character is a big letdown too.  Maybe they were saving him for the sequel.  I won’t be holding my breath for that one, that’s for sure. 

The gore is the sole saving grace here.  We get a foot being cut in half, scalping, neck gouging, a knife through the chin, arm hacking, finger biting, and eye gouging.  You may be gouging your own eyes out before it’s over. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: THE INVITATION (2022) * ½

Struggling to make ends meet in the big city and yearning for a sense of family, Evie (Nathalie Emmanuel) takes one of those online DNA tests and happens to find a long-lost cousin from England (Hugh Skinner).  After a brief meeting, he invites her across the pond to a posh wedding so she can meet the family she never knew she had.  There, she is wooed by a suave Count (Thomas Doherty) who sweeps her off her feet.  Of course, he’s hiding a big secret from Evie. 

The set-up is fine, and the follow-through is mediocre.  After about the halfway point though, it gets progressively worse as it goes along.  It also doesn’t help that it’s painfully obvious from the jump what the big secret Evie’s new beau is hiding.  Unless you’ve only seen like… ten horror movies in your life, you’ll know exactly where this thing is going the second he appears on screen.  (Especially when it’s revealed that he owns “Carfax Abbey”.)  Another problem is it takes seemingly forever to get to the twist as the pacing really drags. 

Hell, once the twist is finally sprung, the ensuing horror is tepid at best.  I could’ve probably dealt with the ho-hum suspense scenes if they had a strong payoff, but they often conclude with offscreen kills and/or shitty CGI deaths, which is frustrating to say the least.  To top it all off, there’s not much style on display as the film feels like a bland CW show a lot of the time. 

Emmanuel is okay in the lead, but she’s not given much to work with and her chunky nose ring is distracting to boot.  There is some chemistry between her and Doherty.  However, the dialogue and drama are about on par with a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.  Stephanie Corneliussen is kind of fun to watch as the bitchy cousin who has a funny/awkward encounter with Emmanuel during their “spa day”.  Whenever she’s on screen, the movie shows sign of a pulse.  It’s a shame she’s the only one who seems to enjoy a chance to vamp it up. 

Overall, this invitation isn’t worth an RSVP. 

NUDAEROBICS (1983) ****

(SPECIAL NOTE:  Look, I know I said I was going to review nothing but horror movies for the month of October, but when something this awesome practically falls into your lap, you have to tell the world about it immediately.)  

If there’s anything I love more than ‘80s workout videos, it’s naked women.  Now, if you can make an ‘80s workout video starring naked women, you’re not only speaking my language, but you’re 100% fluent and your accent is impeccable.  Unlike Eroticise, a similar effort from the same year, this is shot on film, but it’s really dingy, so it looks closer to the mid ‘70s than the ‘80s. 

It opens with shot after shot of the ladies in the cast going down a sliding board and splashing down into a swimming pool in slow motion while totally nude.  If there’s a better way to start a video, I’d like to see it. 

The gals start off poolside doing some stretching exercises, then move on to leg kicks.  They do put on some clothes for the next aerobics routine, but before you start complaining about false advertising, you should know that when I say “clothes”, I mean leg warmers.  Since this was the ‘80s, it was government-mandated that all women in workout tapes had to wear leg warmers.  Unless you’re an ankle man, I can’t see anyone getting too bothered by it, especially when they start doing naked jumping jacks.  Then, the gals pivot to a cheerleader-inspired workout and let me tell you something, they sure know how to shake their pom poms, if you catch my drift. 

From there, the film turns into a fever dream of naked twisting, nude jump rope, and something called “The Wiggle Down”, which makes the participants look like they have an itch on their back that they can’t quite scratch.  Afterwards, they hop in the pool for some totally wacky water exercises.  The prolonged slow-motion sequence of the ladies jumping and splashing in the water will live rent free in my head for some time. 

But it doesn’t stop there.  No.  Then, we switch to an underwater camera and marvel as our sopping wet aerobics enthusiasts make like a dolphin and swim through rings that have been strategically positioned throughout the pool.  Flipper ain’t got nothing on these ladies. 

Then, it ends as it began with the ladies going down the slide and back into the pool in slow motion.  That’s right.  It’s a Mobius strip of awesomeness. 

The sound was poorly dubbed, which adds to the fun.  When the girls exercise, it’s to a disembodied voice who counts off for them.  Their banter while taking breaks around the pool is also looped in while their backs are turned to the camera, so we never see who’s saying what to who.  It’s some Doris Wishman type shit.  I loved it. 

The best moment is when the girls put a workout video in the VCR and follow along to an instructor modeled on Jane Fonda.  Folks, I’ve never seen a workout video where you watch women in a workout video watching a woman in a workout video.  Again, this thing is just a Mobius strip of awesomeness.

The camerawork is stellar as well.  The cameraman really knew how to get all the angles to capture the ladies’ curves.  The camerawork delivers on all the shots of jiggling boobs and buns that you’d expect from something like this, but trust me, the cameraman leaves nothing to the imagination when the gals are performing their leg lifts and pelvic thrusts.  Did I mention how great this fucking tape is?

The women in the cast look lovely.  All of them had careers of varying degrees in softcore and/or hardcore entertainment.  The most notable of the quintet is Tracey Adams from the Pretty Peaches movies. 

I’m not saying Nudaerobics is a cure for depression, but I haven’t stopped smiling since I saw it.  If they can’t get it into the Library of Congress film preservation list, they can at least prescribe it as an alternative to Lexipro. 

You know how they always say, “It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread?”  Well, I don’t know what the thing was that was so great BEFORE sliced bread came along (the wheel, maybe?), but Nudaerobics is even better than THAT. 

AKA:  Nude Aerobics. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: OPUS (2025) **

Moretti (John Malkovich) is a reclusive rock star who comes out of hiding to drop a new album.  He sends out invites to a select few critics including a young journalist named Ariel (Ayo Edebiri) for an exclusive listening party at his remote compound.  It’s here where his most devoted followers live on the grounds like cult members.  The observant Ariel soon figures out they’ve been lured to the premises for sinister purposes. 

Opus kind of starts off like a rock version of The Menu.  Parts also reminded me of Cecil B. Demented as the central pop culture figure has a literal cult following.  This is an admittedly delicious set-up ripe with possibilities.  That’s what makes it all the more frustrating.  Writer/director Mark Anthony Green delivered a recipe for a slow burn thriller but never finds the spark to light the fuse. 

Since it’s one of those slow burn deals, it takes a long time for anything remotely scary or horrific to happen.  Until then, a lot of the atmosphere of uneasiness comes from the conformist mentality and the lack of social cues on the part of the cult members.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where one of the followers offers to shave Edebiri “down there” because Malkovich requires it. 

Even when the film finally gets down to business, it’s all over before it really even gets going.  It also rambles on a good ten minutes past its expiration date.  It might’ve helped if Green was making a point about religion or celebrities (or both).  Without any sort of social commentary, it all feels rather toothless (and pointless). 

Opus is one of those movies where it’s hard to see what makes the central cult leader so fascinating.  Yes, Malkovich is fairly amusing while sashaying around in gaudy costumes, but the music he makes (courtesy of Nile Rodgers) doesn’t sound like the kind of stuff that would’ve been on the charts in any era.  (Then again, it’s hard to tell, considering how bad music sounds these days.)  He’s clearly having fun with the role, and some of that is infectious.  That’s about where the fun stops though.