ANACONDA (2024) ***

Did you know that the year before the Anaconda remake starring Jack Black came out there was a Chinese remake?  While it may fall short of the first two entries in the official franchise, it’s probably the second-best Anaconda remake ever made.  It’s certainly a notch or two above the SyFy Channel sequels, that’s for sure. 

A troupe of circus performers head down river to Thailand on a rickety boat through a jungle thought to be home to the mythical “Crimson Anaconda”.  On their voyage, they pick up a stowaway.  The caravan soon learns their new passenger is obsessed with capturing the snake and isn’t above using them as bait. 

Anaconda is far from perfect but it’s a breezy good time.  It clocks in at a brisk seventy-nine minutes and there isn’t a whole lot of fat, which is always appreciated in a killer snake movie.  In fact, the first five minutes has enough scenes of snakes swallowing people whole, puking out their corpses, and wrapping around their victims before crushing them to death to please just about any Anaconda fan out there.  There are also fun moments like when an explosion sends hundreds of snakes raining down on our heroes and a gnarly bit where a baby snake worms its way into a guy’s ear.  Plus, the CGI for the snake is miles better than most of the computer effects normally found in Chinese productions. 

Sure, some of the snake attack sequences get repetitive (especially towards the end).  I could’ve done without some of the lame comedy bits too (including a scene with a “zombie”).  I also was a bit letdown that these circus performers didn’t have an acrobat in the group.  Can you imagine how cool it would’ve been to see a trapeze artist swinging on vines to narrowly avoid becoming Snake Chow?  Oh well.  At any rate, Anaconda certainly isn’t boring and boasts a fairly sturdy body count.  It’s no Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but it’ll do in a pinch. 

AKA:  Anacondas.  AKA:  Anaconda:  Cursed Jungle.

AGONY OF LOVE (1966) ***

Pat (Orgy of the Dead) Barrington is being chased down Hollywood Boulevard by a man and pauses long enough to wonder how she ever got in this mess.  Flashbacks explain how.  Seems she was a lonely housewife who made extra cash on the side by turning tricks while her husband was busy at the office.  Stifled by her boring life, being used by men is the only thing that brings her joy.  It may also ultimately bring about her demise. 

Directed by William (Street of a Thousand Pleasures) Rotsler, Agony of Love almost plays like a seedier version of a Joe Sarno movie.  It uses the lonely housewife motif Sarno was fond of, but Rotsler is able to avoid some of the soap opera style trappings of Sarno’s work.  Rotsler seems equally curious about his heroine’s fractured psychological state as he is with her sexual exploits.  Take for instance the arty dream scene where her Johns cover her in an unending stream of money.  In most exploitation movies, this sort of sequence would act more or less as padding.  Here, it helps to underline the inner workings of our main character’s mental anguish.  He also offers up some cool location work on Hollywood Boulevard.

It doesn’t all click.  The comic relief scene where the fat guy pays Barrington to strip while he stuffs his face kind of feels out of place, especially when compared to the heartfelt moments Barrington has in the psychiatrist’s office.  The twist ending is predictable too, but it is appropriate and works about as well as you could hope. 

These are relatively minor qualms in the long run.  First and foremost, the film is a fine showcase for Barrington and her incredible physique.  She also gets to show genuine dramatic range throughout the movie and has several opportunities to spout some terrific dialogue like, “You bought me, I’ll do anything you want!“ and “Hurt me!  Dirty me!  Just do it!” (even though her voice is dubbed). 

AKA:  From Lady to Tramp.

SWINGERS MASSACRE (1974) ***

Charlie (James R. Sweeney) is a successful lawyer who wants his wife Amy (Jan Mitchell) to join a swingers’ club.  She resists at first, but after a thoroughly unsatisfying night in bed with her hubby, she finally relents.  When the couple attend a swingers’ party, Charlie is unable to get it up for the ladies.  Amy on the other hand really wows the guys in the bedroom.  Enraged by the wives’ taunting and infuriated by the husbands’ lust for Amy, Charlie snaps and sets out to murder the swingers one by one. 

Swingers Massacre offers up an interesting way to do a revenge thriller.  Instead of avenging his wife’s honor, Charlie is taking out his sexual frustrations on his victims.  Because of that, we aren’t rooting for him, and our sympathies lie with the victims.  That little wrinkle also makes it play a bit like a proto-slasher movie. 

Despite the title and the premise, the film isn’t quite as sleazy as you may anticipate.  I’m not saying it’s a masterclass in restraint, but there is a modicum of craft here.  That said, I could understand if some walked away from this one feeling a tad disappointed.  I liked it okay though as it had just enough T & A and murder to keep me entertained. 

There was no reason why it needed to be over a hundred minutes long though.  The subplot with the two cops also eats up a lot of screen time in the third act.  These scenes could’ve easily been devoted to more swingers being massacred, but it doesn’t completely derail the movie. 

Even if you don’t groove on its wavelength, you have to admit, Swingers Massacre functions nicely as a time capsule.  We get heavy doses of ‘70s aesthetic here from the font in the opening credits to the swinging score (no pun intended) that’s full of jazz flute solos.  The cast of ‘70s favorites like Al Adamson regular Gary Kent, and ‘70s sex starlets Rene Bond, Marsha Jordan, and Uschi Digard also help immensely.   

Oh, and it took me a while to recognize Sweeney, but I finally placed him as the priest from Nightmare Sisters!  (MST3K fans will also remember him as the security guard in Hobgoblins.)  He does a fine job as the tortured husband as he essays a fine transformation from horny asshole to impotent basket case.

AKA:  Inside Amy.  AKA:  Super Swinging Playmates.

TURA! (2025) ****

Tura! is an absorbing and heartfelt documentary about the iconic cult movie star Tura Satana, most famous for her role as Varla in Russ Meyer’s immortal classic, Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!  Written and directed by friend of The Video Vacuum, Cody Jarrett who also directed Tura in the great Sugar Boxx, it offers a whirlwind look at her tumultuous life.  Tura endured an unspeakable rape as a preteen and faced racism during WWII, and yet, she was somehow able to channel that pain and hate into a career as a burlesque dancer where she quickly became immensely popular. At the insistence of silent movie star Harold Lloyd, she took up acting and before long, she appeared in Faster, Pussycat, which cemented her legendary status. 

Some of her exploits play almost like a movie themself.  Just take a look at her romances with big name celebrities (most famously Elvis Presley) or the fact that she was actually able to get revenge on the men who raped her as a little girl.  Many actresses can only play a badass, but Tura was the genuine article onscreen and off. 

The interviewees are a nice mix of friends, family, and admirers.  John Waters is naturally front and center since it’s widely acknowledged that his proclamation that Faster, Pussycat was his favorite movie of all time is what helped give the film a second life.  We also have Ted V. Mikels, who directed Tura in The Astro-Zombies, as well as fellow Meyer actress (and Sugar Boxx co-star) Kitten Natividad.  Margaret Cho acts as our narrator and sometimes gives voice to Tura via entries in her diary.

Jarrett’s film cuts deeper than most documentaries on cult film stars.  It doesn’t shy away from the accounts of Santana’s assault and the racism she suffered.  There are also some rather revealing revelations that occur in the final act.  

Overall, this is one of the best documentaries I’ve seen in quite some time.  If you always thought Tura was a badass, you owe it to yourself to check this out.  Trust me, you only know half the story. 

LOLITA VIBRATOR TORTURE (1987) *** ½

A psycho is loose on the streets kidnapping young girls, chaining them up, and torturing them with a battery-operated dingus.  One schoolgirl doesn’t really seem to mind it so much since she already goes around with a vibrator tucked inside her panties to begin with.  She and her captor eventually hit on a plan to kidnap and torture her classmate who is hiding a deep, dark secret. 

If there ever was a title for a movie it’s Lolita Vibrator Torture.  Despite the lurid moniker, it’s probably not as skeevy as you might expect.  It comes from the twisted mind of director Hisayasu (Splatter:  Naked Blood) Sato, so if you’re familiar with his work, you may already have an idea what you signed yourself up for. 

Sato uses a lot of restraint, all things considered.  Often times, it’s what he doesn’t show that is more effective.  (The sounds of the buzzing vibrator leave much to the imagination.)  That’s not to say he won’t pull out all the stops when he has to.  The film is also interesting from a scripting standpoint as the audience’s loyalty slowly shifts in the second half. 

It’s only a little over an hour long, so that doesn’t leave a lot of time for unnecessary subplots or extraneous sequences, which is always appreciated, especially for something like this.  I also liked that for all its griminess and general WTF demeanor, the film is ultimately a parable of a couple who learn to spice up their relationship by implementing marital aids in the bedroom.  Well, that and some grisly murder and stuff, but if watch it, you’ll see what I mean. 

It also manages to be immensely feminist which is something you might not expect from a movie with the words “Lolita”, “Vibrator”, and “Torture” in the title.  I don’t want to spoil anything but trust me on that.  Our heroine’s final words to her captor are quite the feminist rallying cry if I ever did hear one. 

AKA:  Secret Garden.

BIGFOOT EXORCIST (2024) **

When I see a title like Bigfoot Exorcist pop up on Tubi, I’m naturally going to watch it.  With a title like that, the mind reels at the possibilities.  Will this movie be about a Bigfoot who gets possessed and must receive an exorcism?  Or (and potentially more entertaining), is it going to be about a possessed individual who must receive an exorcism, so Bigfoot goes to the seminary, becomes an ordained priest, and then performs an exorcism to save the poor dope’s soul?  

To quote Jules in Pulp Fiction, “Now I like that, but that shit ain’t the truth.”  It’s unfortunately a case of the former.

As you may expect with a movie called Bigfoot Exorcist, it’s pretty uneven.  The opening scene is fun though.  Bigfoot chases a woman through the woods, and the cameraman keeps giving us gratuitous close-ups of her heading bosom.  Bigfoot then rips out her guts, pulls off her arm, and removes her skull.  Another entertaining moment comes when the nun memorably flips off her Mother Superior.  There are, however, inevitable doldrums in between the good stuff. 

Jessa Flux (who you may recognize from the new Up All Night with Rhonda Shear) and her boyfriend are on vacation out in the woods where Bigfoot is supposedly lurking.  As it turns out, the monster is kind of like a wereBigfoot.  As in, a guy who turns into Bigfoot.  (Even though he looks more like an albino alien with alopecia than a Sasquatch.)  When Jessa’s boyfriend gets bitten by the creature, he naturally becomes a Bigfoot too.  A nun tries to perform an exorcism on him and… well… it doesn’t help much. 

Jessa is one of my favorite actresses of the last few years or so, and her appearance in anything is cause for celebration.  Any scene with her is worth watching, but the rest of the movie is patchy at best and dull at worst.  Bigfoot Exorcist was directed by Donald (Red Lips) Farmer, who certainly knows how to film a Bigfoot baby birthing scene.  I just wish the rest of the film was a little more consistent.  (Farmer and Flux also collaborated on Debbie Does Demons, which is much better.)

Jessa naturally gets all the best lines like, “I only drink rose wine because it’s pretty and pink, like me!” and “I ate two lobsters last night and I have to go jog them off!”

STALLONE’S KNOCKOUTS (1990) *** ½

In the ‘80s, it was kind of a trend to cast family members of famous stars in movies just to trade in on their last name.  One of the more memorable instances of this is Frank Stallone, brother of Sylvester.  If you’ve ever sat through one of his movies, then you already know what we’re talking about.  However, did you know that Sly’s mother, Jackie Stallone also had her fifteen minutes of fame riding the coattails of her son’s celebrity status? 

Jackie made a minor splash in the psychic hotline community during the ‘80s as she had a 1-900 number where she read horoscopes and did astrology for people willing to spend $2.99 a minute.  She also appeared as a manager on G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.  This tape is kind of like a spin-off of that, except with boxing (you know, to cash in on her son’s Rocky movies). It actually might be a little bit more unhinged than G.L.O.W., if you can believe it. 

Things begin with Jackie rapping.  Yes, rapping. What more do you need to know?  Go watch it immediately!

Anyway, not only does Jackie rap, but so do her “girls”, AKA:  The boxers in her stable.  Of course, having rapping wrestlers is another holdover from G.L.O.W. but, I mean… some of these lyrics are like… wow.  (Sample lyric:  “I’m a lumberjack with an axe to grind, I’m from up north as you can see, just like the trees, men PINE for me!”)  Oh, and did I mention the rapping takes up the first ten minutes of the tape?  It’s like they were trying to beat Rapper’s Delight for the longest rap song!

The first match is between “The Beastmaster” and “Alexis”, who for one reason or another were not featured in the opening rap song.  Then, it’s “Brooklyn” going up against “Mary Jo” in a catfight, the naughty nurse “Anne Thrax” vs. the female Zorro, “Zorra”, “Valerie” squaring off against “Bambi” (who is actually G.L.O.W. wrestler turned porn star Tiffany Million) in a “Four Corners” match, and “Melanie” duking it out with “Torch”. 

Afterwards, it’s time for “The Great Kung Fu Challenge” where an Asian woman fights a blonde in a karate match with comic “woo” and “waa” sound effects dubbed in.  Honestly, it’s more of a sketch than an actual fight.  (It doesn’t even take place in the same arena as the other matches.)  This is easily the weakest segment of the tape, and you could probably just skip right over it. 

Next, the Colombian smuggler “Cartela” goes toe to toe with beauty pageant queen “Bonnie Sue Ann Betty Jean”.  Finally, we come to the main event, a wrestler vs. boxer match where the southern Marine “Dixie” grapples with the all-American cheerleader “Wendy”.  After a controversial finish, all the fighters converge on the ring, and an all-out clothes-ripping catfight Battle Royale ensues. 

If you were a fan of G.L.O.W., you may remember some of the fighters, although their names have been changed, presumably to avoid a lawsuit.  (For example, “Brooklyn” is actually “Hollywood” from G.L.O.W.)  Like G.L.O.W., there are comedy bits in between the matches.  The jokes are almost always bad and were probably leftover from the Burlesque era, but you probably won’t care. 

Oh, and did I mention none other than Traci Lords herself is the commentator who makes cheeky wisecracks throughout the matches?  And that the referee impersonates several celebrities (including… who else?  Sylvester Stallone!) to try to score a date with her?  What more can you ask for?

Lords also appeared in the similar Foxy Boxing a few years prior. 

AKA:  Stallone’s Knockouts:  A Valentine’s Day Massacre.