HOT ROD GANG (1958) **

After a series of circumstances too contrived to get into now, hot rodder John Ashley must disguise himself as a bearded rock n’ roller.  He then must keep his double life a secret from his family all the while using his newfound anonymity to perform at a fundraiser.  Things threaten to go off the rails once his rival frames him for a series of hot rod robberies. 

I like John Ashley as much as the next guy, but it’s hard to take him seriously as a rocker (in and out of the beard).  He sings a bunch of numbers in this movie and none of them make much of an impression.  At least Gene Vincent is around to provide a handful of decent songs.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t get nearly as much screen time as Ashley does. 

Hot Rod Gang feels like one of those types of American International films that started life as a cool title and/or poster and then once the company sold the rights to it, they were forced to make a movie around it.  (The whole “gang” subplot takes a backseat to the musical numbers fairly quickly.)  It also doesn’t help that the flick lacks the piss and vinegar that is the hallmark of the best AIP juvenile delinquent/rock musicals.  It's not bad or anything; it's just far too vanilla and lightweight to really stick with you.  It also doesn’t help that the situations Ashley gets himself into aren’t very funny and wouldn’t have even cut it for a lazy sitcom.  

AKA:  Fury Unleashed.

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (2017) *** ½

Luc Besson’s latest eye-popping science fiction bonanza begins on a note rarely touched upon in recent genre offerings:  Hope.  During the opening credits, set to David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, we get to see Earth’s early days of space exploration give way to a growing space station that eventually befriends and aligns itself with other distant planets.  It’s a simple yet effective scene that shows us a vision of the future that is positive and even a bit moving. 

After that sequence, the film settles into a more familiar, bombastic blockbuster type of rhythm.  We then follow the roughish space cop Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and his sexy partner Laureline (Cara Delevingne) as they try to protect an alien critter whose very existence is proof of an elaborate military cover-up.  From then on, the movie becomes a series of elaborate, sometimes mind-boggling set pieces, but if it wasn’t for the thoughtful opening scene, the fate of the whole universe wouldn’t nearly be as meaningful.

DeHaan gives a cool performance as he has a Keanu Reeves type of swagger.  With his surfer dude accent and perfect hair, he’s a bit of a pretty boy, but he’s always a bit more capable than you'd expect.  He has a lot of chemistry with Delevingne, who is nothing short of a stone-cold fox in this.  She’s also a game trooper and badass action heroine to boot.  

It’s Besson’s dazzling visuals that are the real star though.  There’s a sequence that takes place in a virtual marketplace that is dizzying since it takes place in multiple planes of reality, often at the same time.  Think a virtual reality version of Amazon.com on Tatooine with a bit of Blade Runner thrown in for good measure.   

While some sequences are blissfully joyous, others are a bit plodding.  It’s definitely a step down from The Fifth Element (it’s more like The Fourth Element), but if you can’t love a movie that requires its heroine to stick her head up an alien jellyfish's ass to project her ESP, there’s probably no hope for you.  I know it’s not perfect or anything, but it’s hard for me to hate any film that features Ethan Hawke as a space pimp, Rihanna as a shapeshifting stripper, and Herbie Hancock as the Minister of Space Defense. 

THE GREASY STRANGLER (2016) ** ½

Imagine if John Waters directed Napoleon Dynamite as a Troma movie and that might give you a hint at what to expect from The Greasy Strangler.  Produced by Ben (High-Rise) Wheatley and Elijah Wood (among others), it is a terminally weird, occasionally hilarious melding of low budget horror movie and quirky indie comedy.  Usually, I don’t go for these ready-made cult items, but I found myself laughing more often than not. 

Big Ronnie (Michael St. Michael) and Big Brayden (Sky Elobar) are a father and son team who take people on sightseeing tours of dilapidated discos.  Unbeknownst to Big Brayden, Big Ronnie goes out at night and strangles people while covered head to toe in grease.  When Big Brayden gets a girlfriend (Elizabeth De Razzo), Big Ronnie threatens to steal her away.  Fueled by jealousy, he then sets out to expose his father as the greasy strangler. 

I’ll be the first one to admit that a little of this movie goes a long way.  It might’ve worked better as a short or even as a fake trailer.  However, there are long stretches that are quite funny.  Some of the humor is uneven and a lot of the jokes are repetitive, but they hit, it usually results in some big laughs. 

The film is helped immensely by the outrageous performances from the two leads.  They are both quite fearless and aren’t afraid to look or act embarrassingly silly.  De Razzo is equally fine as the object of their affections and gets a lot of surprising nude scenes.   

Unfortunately, the movie kind of goes off the rails in the third act.  The increasing weirdness is inspired, but it never finds that nice balance of surrealism and vulgarity that the first act had.  Still, it’s an interesting curio.  It might be worth a re-watch down the road, although it might be more fun to watch other viewers’ reactions to the film than the film itself.

A TALKING CAT!?! (2013) *

I have a condition where I have to see every Eric Roberts movie ever made.  When I found out he did the voice for a cat in this cheap kids’ flick for David (Creepozoids) DeCoteau, I knew I had to see it.  I had low hopes going in, but A Talking Cat!?! managed to shatter all expectations.  This is one bad mother, even for the already low standards of the Roberts filmography. 

I’m starting to suspect that my condition may be terminal. 

The “plot” has a talking cat trying to bring two single-parent families together.  When I say “talking” cat, I mean that most of the time, it’s nothing more than Roberts giving a disinterested voiceover.  On the rare occasion that the cat’s lips actually move, the effects are pitifully inept. 

DeCoteau and company also apparently didn’t spring for a professionally trained cat.  There are lots of scenes where you can plainly see the beam of a laser pointer and/or bits of food set aside in order to keep the cat interested long enough to stay in front of the camera.  It’s pathetic. 

Even fans of So Bad They’re Good movies may have a hard time getting through this one without the benefit of alcohol consumption.  If you take a shot every time you see the laser beam or some stray kibble, you should be okay.  However, if you want to take your drinking game to the next level, take a shot every time someone says, “cheese puffs”.  On second thought, you better not.  I don’t want to be held responsible for any alcohol poisoning, blindness, or death that results from playing such games.

Speaking of getting hammered, it’s rumored that Eric Roberts recorded his voiceover in “15 minutes” in his living room.  He sounds half in the bag too.  It’s almost as if you can hear the ice in his glass clinking as he mumbles and slurs his dialogue.  The dialogue is poorly recorded too.  At all times, it sounds like Roberts is on speaker phone (which, when you take the shoddy production values into consideration is probably accurate).

If there is one shining spot in this box of cinematic cat litter, it’s the presence of Kristine (Cinderella XXX) DeBell as the single mom who’s perpetually making cheese puffs.  Of the cast, she’s the only one that seems too good for the material.  That’s not saying much though.   

A Talking Cat!?! is so cheap and mind-numbingly stupid that it might make fans of bad Eric Roberts and/or David DeCoteau movies rethink their personal viewing habits.  Heck, even the film’s intended audience (five-year-olds) are far too sophisticated for the likes of this.  In short, A Talking Cat?!? deserves to be put to sleep.

CELL (2016) ***

Cell acts as a reunion to the Steven King chiller 1408 for stars John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson.  In fact, I’d say that this one is a slightly better film in just about every way.  The opening scene, in which hundreds of people in an airport turn into zombie “Phoners” while talking on their cellphones, is a real grabber.  Even though they are of the 28 Days Later fast-running zombie variety, they have a few unique tricks of their sleeve and the filmmakers make better use of the undead’s hive mentality than World War Z did.   

Admittedly, the film is never quite able to recapture the adrenaline-pumping thrills of that opening scene.  From there on, things get a bit spotty.  Some sections are a bit rushed and a few scenes feel incomplete.  If you’re familiar with the movie’s checkered production history, you’ll probably be able to forgive its sometimes-shoddy appearance and the weak CGI.  Narratively, it’s still not entirely solid (like the inclusion of a menacing red-hooded figure), but Jackson and Cusack are so good together that their chemistry carries the picture whenever it threatens to self-destruct. 

Cell also tackles a question about zombie plagues that only Return of the Living Dead 2 has even dared mention:  The possible existence of zombie celebrities.  The scene where our stars sit around and ask each other, “Do you think Bob Dylan is a Phoner?” is one of the film’s many highlights.

One could say that King’s message is a little too on-the-nose as their cellphone use literally turns people into mindless zombies.  If you think about it though, it’s a message that’s only become more relevant as time goes on.  I mean he wrote the novel in 2006 at a time when most cells were flip-phones and not the gadget-laden app-heavy phones of today. 

A lot of Cell is inconsistent.  In fact, I was initially going to give it ** ½.  However, once the film was over, my phone rang and I had to think twice before picking it up, which is a testament to its overall effectiveness.  You have to respect any movie that has that kind of impact on you.

PERILS OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1982) **

Ti Lung returns for the third and final Sentimental Swordsman movie.  It’s not really a sequel because Lung seems to be playing an entirely different character this time around.  While it has some cool cinematography and goofy moments, it’s definitely a step down from Return of the Sentimental Swordsman.

Ghost Mansion is a mysterious fog-shrouded den of villains and thieves.  It’s Lung’s mission to infiltrate the mansion and take down the bad guys.  Along the way, he gets caught up in an assassination attempt and must do battle with several colorful and bizarre characters.

Perils of the Sentimental Swordsman contains much more violence than the first two entries in the series.  The deaths are gorier too (a guy stabs someone with a handful of chopsticks) and some parts look like they came out of a horror movie.  That doesn’t necessarily make it better though.  

The fights are a lot more stylized this time around, but many of the fighters’ gimmicks are just plain silly (like the killer bell).  There’s also a gay fighter called “Kissing Cousin” that’s supposed to be funny.  There are other moments of comic relief (like a “ghost” moving a piece of chicken around), but they aren’t very funny either. 

The good news is that Perils features characters with cool names.  This was an area in which Return was sorely lacking.  There were a lot of good names to choose from in this one, but I think my favorite was “White-Haired Devil”.

RETURN OF THE SENTIMENTAL SWORDSMAN (1981) ** ½

Return of the Sentimental Swordsman has a cool gimmick that makes it fresher and livelier than its predecessor.  Every fighter in the film is judged by a harsh ranking system and they are all well aware of their standing.  This gives them a drive to challenge and defeat any fighter they come across who happens to have a higher rank.

Ti Lung once again stars as The Sentimental Swordsman.  He is ranked third in the world for his abilities.  Although he is happily retired, that doesn’t stop every swordsman with a lower rank (not to mention a chip on their shoulder) from challenging him.  When he learns that the devious Money Clan are terrorizing the countryside, he teams up with an old buddy to stop them. 

The Sentimental Swordsman was overlong and dull and had a hard-to-follow convoluted plot.  This one threatens to follow in its footsteps early on.  Luckily, it settles down soon after and becomes a more straightforward adventure tale.  It’s not great or anything, but it’s a lot more entertaining than the first one.  It also helps that there’s a lot more fights this time around.  While the choreography is sound, the endless series of duels inevitably get a bit repetitive after a while.  

The film is seriously lacking in the cool character names department.  A name like “Silver Spear” is just too generic-sounding next to someone like “Mr. Iron Flute” from the first movie.  Fu Sheng shows up playing a guy named “Right Arm”.  Although he has a lame name, he does have a decent gimmick:  He tattoos the names of all the men he’s killed on his right arm.  Sheng also gets the best line of the movie when he tells a drunk:  “You can’t drown your sorrows; they stay afloat!”