THE BLACK HOLE (2006) **

This has nothing to do with Walt Disney’s 1979 The Black Hole.  It’s actually a cheesy ‘00s SyFy Channel Original produced by Nu Image.  As far as these things go, it’s not bad.  

Judd Nelson is a scientist who drank his way out of a quantum physics thinktank.  Naturally, when the lab creates a black hole that threatens St. Louis, his former flame and fellow scientist (Kristy Swanson) calls him in to find a way to stop it.  Complicating matters is the appearance of an electricity monster that periodically escapes the black hole and vaporizes random security guards and other expendable personnel.  Naturally, the military want to drop a nuclear bomb into the black hole (that’s their solution for everything), and it’s up to Judd and Kristy to save the day.

This has all the earmarks to be plodding junk, but director Tibor (The Gate) Takacs is able to inject a little momentum into the proceedings.  I’m not saying he set the world on fire with this one, but it’s about what you would expect from the SyFy Channel at two in the afternoon on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  Anyone expecting anything more from it should probably get their head examined.  Then again, you should already know what you’re signing yourself up for when you see Kristy Swanson playing a quantum physicist.  

The problems really rest at the script level.  It’s almost as if the producers didn’t think the whole disaster movie idea of a black hole threatening a major city would sustain a two-hour time slot, so they penciled in the monster from another dimension just to hedge their bets.  The creature is OK, I guess?  He kind of looks like a cross between an invisible Predator and the electricity Gremlin from Gremlins 2, but he’s not exactly a worthy villain if Judd freakin’ Nelson can take him down.  I did like the way he vaporized his victims a la Mars Attacks though. 

In short, The Black Hole does suck, but not nearly as much as it might have. 

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BARES (1963) * ½

William Kerwin and Rex Marlow star as two nightclub performers who wonder why their respective girlfriends are always busy on weekends.  They do some snooping and eventually discover their gal pals are nudists.  Outraged, the two doofuses dumbly dump their dames.  However, the lovely ladies give their finicky fellas a shot at redemption and offer them a chance to spend the weekend at the camp to see how the other (naked) half lives.  

From the title, you’d think this is gonna be a nudist version of the old storybook favorite.  In actuality, it’s the first (or advertised as the first, anyway) nudie musical.  The problem, of course, is there’s way too much musical and not enough nudie.  

That’s right, before you even get a glimpse of skin, you have to sit through a lot of long, dumb nightclub acts.  Kerwin was great in Blood Feast and all, but a comedian he’s not.  His painfully unfunny stand-up act is a chore to get through and Marlow’s crooner numbers are even worse.  If that nonsense wasn’t already enough, director Herschell Gordon Lewis uses even more pointless stalling tactics that get in the way of the good stuff including long driving scenes, silent comedy sequences, and domestic squabbling that is sure to get on anyone’s nerves.  

In fact, you have to wait till the movie’s halfway over before you get to the nudism stuff.  As far as nudist camp movies go, the nudism scenes are OK.  We get:  Skinny-dipping, nude photography, nude swinging (no, not that kind), sunbathing, horseback riding (what, no Lady Godiva jokes?), water basketball (called “splash-ket ball”), boating, and a nude talent show.  At the very least, leading lady Louise Downe (who also wrote Blood Feast) does look great nude (especially while jiggling around on horseback), so that does help somewhat.  

Then again, it’s just a shame that the title is so misleading.  I mean the idea of a nudie Goldilocks movie could’ve really been something.  Imagine, she sneaks into the bears’ house and walks in on Mama Bare and Papa Bare making love in the bedroom and says, “Oh that bed’s just right!” before joining in for a three-way.  Unfortunately, Lewis and company didn’t follow through on the promise of the title and gave us this crap instead.  

Marlow gets the best line when he tells his girlfriend, “E-X-I-T!  That spells, ‘OUT’!”

AKA:  Goldilocks’ Three Chicks.  

MUNCHIE (1992) *

A little boy named Gage (Jamie McEnnan) finds an imp named Munchie (voiced by Dom DeLuise) who grants him wishes and helps him fight bullies.  Since Gage’s single mom (Loni Anderson) is being wooed by a complete asshole (Andrew Stevens), Munchie also lends a hand to ruin their big dinner date.  Eventually, Gage learns to handle his problems on his own without the help of a wisecracking (scratch that, the cracks he makes are anything but wise) imp.

Munchie purports to be a sequel to Munchies, Roger Corman’s not-bad Gremlins rip-off.  However, it has nothing to do with that flick.  It’s actually a dumb kids movie, and a lousy one at that.  As far as unrelated sequels to Gremlins rip-offs go, this ain’t Troll 2 by a long shot.

The big problem is Munchie himself.  He looks like an animatronic skinned Chihuahua and is more creepy than cute.  Even if you can get past the fact that he is nothing like the cool critters in the original, he’s pretty annoying and wears out his welcome fast.  It doesn’t help that his tired jokes, which wouldn’t have even gone over in the Catskills, land with a thud.

The most confounding thing about the movie is its weird rules, or lack thereof.  Munchie grants wishes, but his powers are inconsistent.  Even when the kid doesn’t want something, Munchie gives it to him anyway.  Like when Munchie throws him a party full of adults drinking alcohol.  What kid wants that?  I guess when you’re looking for things like “consistency” in a kids film directed by Jim Wynorski you’re bound to be asking for trouble.  

If you’re a fan of Wynorski like I am, you will at least get some amusement from the fact that all the top-heavy actresses have plunging necklines.  Even in a kids movie, Wynorski is gonna Wynorski.  It’s also fun to see the usual Wynorski ensemble (like Toni Naples, Monique Gabrielle, Ace Mask, Lenny Juliano, and Jay Richardson) cavorting around.  Heck, even Fred Olen Ray and Wynorski himself appear as extras in the party scene.  Although the Wynorski touches aren’t nearly enough to save the film, they at least help it go down smoother than it might’ve.  

CYCLONE (1978) * ½

Rene Cardona Jr.’s Cyclone is assembled from a whirlwind of durable disaster movie cliches.  There’s extreme weather, multiple doomed boat voyages, and a plane crash.  Since it was released in the late ‘70s, there’s also a subplot about a killer shark in there to ride the coattails of Jaws.  

Like Cardona’s Treasure of the Amazon and The Bermuda Triangle, it’s overlong (nearly two hours) and has way too many characters and subplots.  Because of the choppy plotting, and the cutting back and forth between the different groups of survivors, the early scenes can be rough going a lot of the time.  Some of the inane special effects are good for a laugh (like when branches are beaten against the camera lens to simulate heavy winds rollicking through the trees), but they aren’t nearly cheesy enough to make it a camp classic.  

About halfway through, the film switches gears and becomes a tale of survival.  It’s here where the survivors eventually gather aboard a tourist vessel and hunker down.  Faced with a dwindling water supply, no food, and no prospect of being rescued, they start to consider their options.  You just know the little dog (named “Christmas”) is gonna be the first to go.  This sequence is in especially poor taste and is far more unconscionable than the scenes where the survivors eventually resort to cannibalism.  

I guess it goes without saying that the cheesy early disaster movie scenes are a lot more fun than the schlocky survival sequences.  Even in its second act, it fails to drum up much suspense.  As lumbering and slow as much of the film is, Cardona totally rushes through the finale as cast member after cast member is devoured by sharks until the last remaining survivors are escorted to safety before the flick finally tosses in the towel and ends.  The abrupt and unsatisfying conclusion does little to win back any goodwill Cardona lost during the objectionable dog scene, but on the bright side, at least the movie is over at long last.

AKA:  Tornado.  AKA:  Terror Storm.  AKA:  Without Warning.  

TREASURE OF THE AMAZON (1985) **

Directed by Rene Cardona Jr., Treasure of the Amazon is a dawdling jungle picture that is occasionally punctuated by some decent gore and/or animal attack footage.  There are three main plot threads.  The first involves Stuart Whitman as a grizzled boat captain leading a party down the Amazon searching for gold.  The second finds a hotshot pilot Bradford Dillman and his friends uncovering a cache of diamonds in the jungle.  The third revolves around Nazi Donald Pleasence hiding out in the jungle and trying to restart the Third Reich with the diamonds.  These plot threads eventually all come together, but Cardona sure takes his sweet time getting around to it.

The pacing plods along without much momentum or urgency.  The upside is that when something finally does happen, it seems a lot cooler than it probably would’ve seemed had it occurred in a good movie.  The highlight is a gnarly crab attack where a man is tied up and dozens of creepy crawling crabs pinch his ears and lips and claw out his eyes.  There’s also a sequence where someone is strung up by a giant fish hook, although the goofy tongue effect kind of diminishes the reveal.  

At least the cast is fairly strong, which may help keep you watching whenever the top-heavy plot starts spinning its wheels.  Whitman gets a great introduction sequence where he is startled out of a drunken slumber by a crew member trying to pick his pocket, and he cuts the guy’s finger off.  When the dude attacks him, Whitman tosses the guy overboard and he is devoured by piranhas.  Lesson learned:  Don’t fuck with drunken Stuart Whitman.

Pleasence looks gaunt and tired, but still manages to chew the scenery with his usual zeal.  John Ireland has a few good moments as the priest who dishes out a lot of exposition, and Cardona regular Hugo Stiglitz also turns up as yet another grizzled boat captain.  It’s Sofia Infante though who makes the most memorable impression as Pleasence’s frequently topless native “wife”.  

Whitman, Dillman, Ireland, and Stiglitz were all in Cardona’s Guyana:  Cult of the Damned six years earlier.  

AKA:  Treasure of Doom.  AKA: Greed.

CRAZY NIGHTS (1978) *** ½

When Joe D’Amato makes a Mondo movie you know you’re in for something special.  If you go in expecting something along the lines of Mondo Cane or The Killing of America, you might be disappointed.  Crazy Nights is more like an anthology film using the Mondo framework.  It’s supposedly a spotlight on the various lurid nightclub acts found around the world, but it soon becomes apparent that it’s just a jumping-off point for D’Amato to string together some inspired exploitation lunacy.  

Our host is Amanda Lear, a trans performer who at one point was romantically linked to everyone from Salvador Dali to Bryan Ferry to David Bowie.  Before the film begins, she sings a catchy disco number “Follow Me” while wearing a slinky red dress and a Dracula cape.  Then, the segments begin.

The first two segments play out like Tales from the Crypt episodes, except with lots of sex and nudity.  They start off with an unlikely premise and just when the participants have reached their… ahem… climax, D’Amato pulls the rug out from under you with a warped O. Henry type ending that will leave you speechless.  The first sequence revolves around a sexy girl in a sheep costume who is raffled off.  The ending is fairly shocking, but the finale to the next segment, the Satanic “Choo-Choo Sacrifice”, is a real doozy.

Even the sections that adhere closer to the traditional Mondo movie format have a lot of energy and style.  One episode involves a pair of lovers dressed only in newspaper clippings who fuck on stage.  The “Panther Woman” segment, in which an exotic dancer does a wildly exuberant striptease, is particularly memorable as well.  Other sequences include a pair of ballroom dancers who resemble a nudist version of Bobby and Cissy from The Lawrence Welk Show, a couple who specialize in African folk dancing, and a ballerina-themed striptease that ends in a lesbian lovemaking session

There are also a lot of scenes devoted to magicians who perform risqué magic acts.  One prestidigitator does a gender-bending stage show, another (this time a woman wearing only a white cloak) performs feats of levitation (which ends in predictable fashion), and an old dude pulls doves, scarves, and flags out of his sexy assistant’s pussy!  I’d like to see David Copperfield try THAT.

The longest sequence is an expose on a German brothel that specializes in S & M where prostitutes dress like extras from Conan the Barbarian and sock it to rich perverts.  One slices a guy with a knife and rubs lemon juice in the wound.  I don’t mean to kink shame or anything, but GODDAMN.  There’s also another interview-style segment that involves a husband-and-wife duo of porno actors.  Both include brief hardcore footage.

The travelogue shots of the cities profiled are meant to lend an air of authenticity, but all of this is obviously phony and staged.  You won’t care though.  Lear makes for an engaging hostess too.  Her introductions are usually tongue in cheek, and her musical numbers have style and flair.  All told, you’ll have a crazy good time with Crazy Nights.

AKA:  Follow Me.  AKA:  Mondo Erotico.

PARADISE (1982) *

Paradise is a blatant rip-off of The Blue Lagoon.  Only this time, instead of two youngsters discovering love on a desert isle, it’s two youngsters discovering love in a desert.  As with The Blue Lagoon, the only reason the film exists is as a showcase for its young leading lady to go au natural.  Both films are pretty terrible, but I have to give this one a slight edge, if only because I’m a big Phoebe Cates fan.  

A nefarious sheik named The Jackal (Tuvia Tavi) spies the young Sarah (Cates) in a traveling caravan and decides he must have her for his harem.  He and his soldiers raid the hapless travelers, killing everyone but Sarah and a young Christian pilgrim named David (Willie Aames), who escape to the desert on camelback.  After wandering through the sand for a few days, they come to the idyllic shoreline where they build a home together.  Eventually, the pair hit puberty and let nature take its course.  

Written and directed by Stuart (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3) Gillard, Paradise is a mess.  The first act is decent, but the wheels fall off quickly once Aames and Cates start playing Ken and Barbie in the Coconut Dream House.  To make matters worse, the comic relief chimpanzee will get on your nerves real fast.  The scene where it starts masturbating is rather dire, although with Cates walking around nude so much, I can’t say I blame him.  

It’s kind of funny seeing Aames playing such a holier-than-thou Christian since he would eventually go on to become Bibleman.  Cates, who also got nude in Fast Times at Ridgemont High from the same year, is the only real reason to watch it.  Her shower in an underground waterfall is appropriately steamy, although I’m sure you could just watch that clip on Mr. Skin or something and spare yourself from sitting through the rest of this inane garbage.