THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE (1959) ** ½

The good old U.S. of A. keeps losing submarines in and around the North Pole.  Worried, Washington sends a top-of-the-line sub, the Tiger Shark, to check things out.  After braving the frigid waters, the crew eventually winds up face to face with a UFO.  (Does that stand for Underwater Flying Object?)  When they learn the alien aboard intends to colonize the Earth, the men of the Tiger Shark must stop it at all costs. 

The Atomic Submarine is an incongruous melding of submarine movie and science fiction.  It probably has too much of the former to really satisfy fans of B cinema, but it certainly has its moments.  The great cast helps enormously as the film is stacked with plenty of B movie favorites.  There’s Arthur Franz, Dick Foran, Brett Halsey, Joi Lansing, Tom Conway, and Sid Melton.  Franz and Halsey are particularly good at making their cliched dialogue (and characters) seem somewhat believable despite the low budget trappings. 

The constant narration is a little grating and the use of maps charting the submarine’s course feels like filler.  The special effects are appropriately chintzy though.  The shots of the sub underwater sometimes look like a toy in the bathtub and the UFO looks like a Pogo Ball. 

Admittedly, the dramatic submarine sequences are the weakest parts.  Once the sub takes on the UFO (Unidentified Floating Object?) things perk up considerably.  The scenes aboard the spacecraft are pretty atmospheric too, and the one-eyed monster is pretty cool looking.  Also, the underwater setting offers a few little tweaks on the typical sci-fi formula, which are kind of fun.  (Like when the heroes board the alien ship wearing wet suits rather than the typical spacesuits.)  Overall, it’s not quite enough to push it into the win column, but I do applaud the filmmakers of The Atomic Submarine for at least trying a little something different. 

AKA:  The Atomic Sub.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SORCERESS (1974) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A guy asks his gal (Lynn Stevens) to roleplay as a Spanish countess in their kitchen.  After she speaks Spanish for like twelve seconds, he decides to fuck her on top the stove.  They then hit on an idea:  She will pose as a fortune teller and lure his poker buddies into revealing (and then acting out) their sexual fantasies while he hides and takes incriminating photos.  One likes dancers and the other likes young girls.  Eventually, their scheme ends in tragedy.  

The Sorceress has an odd, “anything goes” kind of vibe to it.  Some will say the plot is loosey-goosey, but the upside of that is that you never know where it’s heading next.  (I’m speaking specifically about the random ass downbeat ending.)  In one nutty scene, Stevens pretends to be a French whore and sucks her boyfriend’s dick while “Tubular Bells” plays on the soundtrack.  In fact, The Exorcist theme plays in many scenes, adding to the overall quirkiness of the film. 

The sex is pretty good in this one too, which is what most people will be concerned with.  Seeing how much of it is fantasy-oriented, there is a lot of variety in the scenarios.  There’s a decent amount of butt stuff going on too for fans of that sort of thing. 

Stevens is quite appealing, especially in her fortune telling scenes.  She also holds the film together when it begins to get patchy late in the game.  Andrea True also appears as a lonely housewife who has an attachment to her stuffed animal, “Boo Bunny”.  She and Stevens get it on in the film’s sole lesbian scene and it’s a good one, as their 69 action is hot and heavy. 

True had an interesting career.  She went from acting in porn to having a number 1 hit on the disco charts with “More, More, More”.  Somebody should make a biopic about her!

Director “John Bal” is actually Leonard Kirtman, whose first film was Carnival of Blood, which featured Burt Young in an early role. 

UROTSUKIDOJI: LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND (1989) ** ½

I’ve been watching a bunch of weird shit lately so I figured I might as well go big or go home.  I thought I if was going to watch something freaky and disgusting, I might as well finally take the plunge and check some Japanese hentai anime.  I’ve heard Urotsukidoji:  Legend of the Overfiend was pretty fucked up, and well… it didn’t disappoint.  I’m not sure it made me a fan of hentai in general.  I can’t say it was actually “good” either.  What I can say is that yes, it is pretty fucked up.

Heck, I don’t claim to even know what was going on most of the time.  Even though it had subtitles, the lore is so dense that it didn’t make a lick of sense half the time.  People who are into this shit probably don’t need a plot, but this is how it all went down as near as I could figure it:  Something something demon comes to Earth to bang chicks.  Something something half demons comes to stop him.  A virgin teen turns into a monster.  His rival turns into another monster.  They fight and after defeating him, our antihero bangs his girlfriend.  In doing so, he inadvertently brings about the apocalypse.  Or something like that. 

Basically, all you have to know it’s mostly about monsters fighting and occasionally fucking virginal schoolgirls.  In one gnarly scene a teacher turns into a tentacle monster and rapes a student.  Later on, a demon dude rapes a morgue attendant and when he orgasms, he shoots light throughout her body until she explodes.  Yes folks, there is truly some weird shit going on here, that’s for sure. 

These highlights can’t exactly save the movie though.  I guess it goes without saying that all of this is more than a tad uneven.  The monster fights and superhero style battles aren’t nearly as crazy or as memorable as all the demon rape shit.  And although it’s wild and crazy for a while, it eventually succumbs into overkill once the giant demon turns super huge and destroys the world.  

There’s a bunch of sequels to this, including the awesomely titled Legend of the Demon Womb.  I’m not exactly sure I’ll run out and watch it.  Then again, stranger things have happened.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOUSE OF DE SADE (1977) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

The plot of this insane porno is deceptively simple.  Three couples gather at a supposedly haunted house to perform a seance to resurrect the spirit of the Marquis de Sade.  That’s just the jumping off point for a wild and jaw-dropping fuck flick. 

There’s some fairly kinky sex going on in this one.  In an orgy scene, two girls get it on with a double-edged dildo.  Later, one of the gals uses a douche on the other and eats her out as the water cascades from her quivering hole.  You don’t see that every day. 

Then, the incomparable Vanessa Del Rio shows off her impeccable oral skills in addition to her amazing rack.  In one scene, her boyfriend puts a dog collar around her neck and leads her around on all fours before fucking her with a cucumber.  We’ve seen cucumber fucking before (okay. so maybe some of you haven’t), but have we seen the guy use a vegetable peeler on the cucumber while it’s still INSIDE the actress?  This scene is bound to make vegan perverts cream in their jeans.

And folks, this is all BEFORE we even get to the supposedly haunted Marquis de Sade house!

Once the couples finally arrive, weird shit starts happening almost immediately.   Vanessa opens up a closet door and a ghost comes right on her face.  That’s okay though, because her friends comfort her by inviting her into their bed for a three-way. 

The couples then perform the seance (in their underwear) and finally bring back the spirit of Marquis de Sade.  What does he do?  He ties up Vanessa, whips her, and commands the others to perform in an orgy! 

Boy, you know you’re in for a wild one when the hunchback servant is the most normal thing about the house!

In short, House of de Sade is a manic slice of WTF porno insanity.  If you like your haunted house movies kinky, or you’re a big fan of non-GMO vegetables, check it out.  Plain Jane vanilla types need not apply. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HOTTER THAN HELL (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

You know you’re in for a treat as soon as you see the awesome opening credits sequence.  Each card has amusing little cartoon devils painted on them.  Not only that, but the humorous fake names for the actresses like “Jane Fondler” and “Raquel Belch” are good for a laugh too. 

The devil (a guy who looks like he’s attending a furry convention dressed as Tickle Me Elmo) sits around Hell (a pretty damn cool set all things considered) and commands his sons to torment two women before watching them fuck.  He then sends his children to Earth to corrupt as many souls as possible.  And by “corrupt as many souls as possible”, I mean they just screw random chicks. 

It’s rare you get pornos that have a sense of humor.  It’s rarer still if you can find one that’s actually laugh-out-loud funny.  Hotter Than Hell checks both boxes.  You also get some choice dialogue like, “He was like a worn-out ballplayer.  Three strokes, and he’s out!” 

I thought this looked familiar.  As it turns out, I saw a condensed non-porno version of it as part of Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite.  The XXX scenes are just fine, but honestly, either version is well worth checking out. 

If you do watch this hardcore version, you’ll be treated to some mighty fine highlights along the way.  I mean, when’s the last time you saw the son of the Devil awkwardly bang a woman on a rocking horse?  The most memorable sequence finds a gal doing a wild go-go dance in her room totally nude.  The frenetic score accompanied by the red and green lighting makes it a real winner.  But it gets better.  She then gets high and decides to look at herself in the mirror.  And I’m not talking about her face either.  Ingenuous. 

One thing’s for certain, you won’t be able to look at yourself in the mirror if you miss Hotter Than Hell.

AKA:  The Devil Made Me Do It.  AKA:  The Horny Devils.

IN A VIOLENT NATURE (2024) * ½

Someone foolishly removes a necklace from a gravesite and accidentally resurrects a bald killer named Johnny (Ry Barrett).  Before long, Johnny is shuffling through the forest and offing anyone stupid enough to get in his way (mostly young people partying at a lakeside cabin). 

In a Violent Nature has an intriguing idea.  It’s a slasher film almost exclusively told from the slasher’s (over the shoulder) point of view.  It feels like it’s trying to show the audience what your average horror movie killer would be up to when he wasn’t busy sneaking up behind people and butchering them. 

As it turns out, the answer to that question, more often than not, is walking.  Slowly.  Most of the movie is devoted to Johnny walking through the woods, around people’s homes, onto their campsites, etc.  I mean there’s no getting around the fact that 3/4 of the running time is just Johnny walking.  There’s a reason why they cut this shit out of most slasher flicks.  In fact, some of the long walking scenes are accompanied by nature sounds, which kind of makes it feel like an ASMR video.  That is to say, you may find yourself drifting off to sleep during these portions of the picture. 

While the idea behind the movie is inventive, there just isn’t enough inventiveness on screen to make it work.  Yes, the scene where Johnny shoves a victim’s head through her own stomach IS pretty inventive.  That’s about where the fun begins and ends though.  Ultimately, In a Violent Nature needed more kills of this caliber if it wanted to justify the long, lifeless passages.  While some of the kills are gory, they ultimately just seem pointless.  (Like the scene where Johnny whacks a guy with an axe more times than Lizzie Borden ever did.)

Maybe I’d feel differently if Johnny had some sort of personality or at the very least felt like an original character.  However, he is clearly just meant to be a Great Value brand of Jason Vorhees, a fact the filmmakers really don’t try to hide.  Because of that, it almost feels like one of those Jason fan films expanded to feature length.  While this might have played fine for a half-hour or so, the premise is just too thin to support an hour-and-a-half running time.  (Plus, that fucking final car ride scene goes on forFUCKingever.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE GEEK (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A group of campers go out hiking searching for the elusive “Geek” AKA:  Bigfoot.  After making camp, they put the make on each other.  (I mean if you’re going to pitch a tent, it’s senseless to let it go to waste.)  Eventually, they make contact with the Geek, who promptly throws one of the girls down and rapes her.  (Her boyfriend’s reaction?  “You’ll be all right!”)  After Bigfoot has his way with another young lass, the menfolk finally find enough courage to scare him off. 

I’ve seen a lot of pornos in my time.  I’ve seen a lot of Bigfoot movies too.  This was my first Bigfoot porno.  As such, it’s not bad.  I mean I’m sure there’s somebody out there with a Bigfoot fetish just waiting to discover this movie.  You know what they say:  Don’t knock it till you try it.  Either way, for bad movie fans this will be a riot. 

Sure, the first two acts are heavily padded with scenes of the campers hiking nonstop.  Sure, the actresses maybe could’ve used a little Clearasil here and there.  But when we finally get to see the Geek, it’s a hoot.  He kind of looks like a black version of the monster in Shriek of the Mutilated.  He’s obviously just wearing the body suit from a shabby gorilla costume but with the fly down so his dick can dangle down between his legs.  Boggy Creek, eat your heart out. 

The sex scenes with the sex mad Sasquatch are good for a laugh too.  I especially liked the second scene where his make-up started smearing onto the poor actress’s ass.  Oh, and contrary to popular belief, the adage, “The bigger the feet, the bigger the meat” doesn’t apply here.  Well, at least when we’re talking about Bigfoot that is.  The poor lug has a lot of trouble getting it up for either gal. 

Is any of this erotic?  Hell no! Will it make you shake your head in disbelief?  Fuck yeah!  Sometimes, especially when you’re dealing with hour-long no-budget pornos from the ‘70s, that’s about the best you can hope for.