YOUNG REBELS (1989) ** ½

There are no youngsters and no rebels in this nutty action cheesefest from Amir Shervan, the director of Samurai Cop.  Ben (Bret Johnston) owes a gambling debt to a despicable kingpin named Mr. Vincenzo (Carlos Rivas).  In order to square his debt, his brother Charlie (Johnny Greene) has to fly in a shipment from Mexico. Once Charlie finds out they’re smuggling drugs, they turn the tables on their employer.  When Vincenzo has Ben murdered, Charlie sets out for revenge.  

Young Rebels kinda looks like if someone tried to make an Andy Sidaris movie with no money and was forced to film the bulk of the scenes at their mom’s house.  It contains wall to wall action, which is sometimes interrupted by a few nude scenes.  In that regard, it’s almost critic-proof.  None of it is particularly well-done mind you, but at least there’s always something happening. 

Perhaps what little money there was went to the sterling supporting cast.  Aldo Ray is in a few scenes as the sheriff, who’s mostly there to cuss and holler.  We also get Robert Z’Dar as the bad guy’s muscle who gets an uncomfortably long sex scene with a beautiful blonde.  Speaking of beautiful blondes, erotic thriller queen Delia Sheppard also turns up and does a sexy striptease with a string of pearls.  

The tip-off that you might enjoy Young Rebels is that Plan 9’s Conrad Brooks appears in a small role as a drug dealer.  I’m not saying it’s another Plan 9.  I mean, yes, it is really cheap and shoddily made.  (The clapboard is visible in one scene.)  The action gets repetitive too, but by the time Z’Dar began using Sheppard as a topless human shield I had to admit I was sort of having fun. 

Oh, and can we talk about the “Free Puppies” sign for a minute?  During one of the many chase scenes, the bad guys run past a sign that says, “Free Puppies”.  My question is, why is it shaped like a tombstone?  Are the puppies dead?  Is that why they’re free?  And how do we acquire these puppies?  Do we have to dig them up ourselves?  Is it a self-service kind of deal?  This bizarre moment helps make Young Rebels a fun little Grade Z movie, but it really needed a few more of these gonzo touches to make it a stone-cold classic.

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019) *** ½

The G-Man returns in this bigger, badder, dumber sequel to 2014’s Godzilla.  This time out, scientist Vera Farmiga wants to save the planet by unleashing all the monsters upon Earth and letting them fight it out.  HUH?  Don’t ask questions.  Just go with it.  Besides, if she didn’t unleash Mothra, Rodan, and Ghidrah, we wouldn’t have ourselves a movie.  Anyway, Godzilla wakes up to take out the monsters and restore balance to the Earth or some shit.

Director Michael (Trick ‘R Treat) Dougherty honors Godzilla director’s Gareth Edwards’ vision of the monster.  I liked the scenes of people fleeing the carnage while we only see glimpses of the monster battles behind them.  He’s also smart enough to know that approach will only take us so far.  Whereas Edwards’ expertly teased the monsters’ appearances, Dougherty allows the camera to linger on them when they go toe to toe during the monster mashing sequences.

And what monster mashing!  Godzilla:  King of the Monsters delivers some of the best monster fights in the entire series.  Godzilla’s battle with Ghidrah is badass, Mothra’s fight with Rodan will get your fist pumping, and big climax is a real showstopper.  My favorite moment though was when Rodan went up against a squadron of jets.  Not only did this sequence kind of remind me of a big budget version of The Giant Claw, it’s one of the best action bonanzas you’ll see all year. 

King of the Monsters also earns points for having a plot as silly as any of the ‘90s Toho Godzilla movies.  I liked that the plot was structured like a Rocky movie (specifically Rocky 3).  It starts out with G-Man on top.  Then he suffers a crippling defeat.  Eventually, he gets back into fighting shape for the inevitable rematch.  Godzilla is such a badass in this flick that the film suffers when he isn’t on screen.  I guess you can say that about any of his films, but his absence is particularly felt this time out.  

Luckily, we have some of the best supporting players of all time picking up the slack when he’s not on screen.  Say what you will about King of the Monsters.  Sure, it’s a little slow in places, and it definitely runs on way too long.  However, how am I not going to watch a movie in which David Strathairn plays an admiral, CCH Pounder is a senator, and Joe Morton turns up as a scientist?

I was also a little bummed by the treatment of Millie Bobby Brown, who plays Farmiga’s daughter.  It’s not that she doesn’t give a fine performance.  I just wish Dougherty gave her and Godzilla at least one bonding scene together.  I guess it’s only a matter of time before Godzilla becomes the Friend to Children Everywhere of my youth.  If that is indeed the franchise’s endgame, I will be patient.

You have to give Dougherty credit.  Even if he drops the ball on some of the human scenes, he did a fine job with the monster battles and shows the titans of terror the reverence they deserve.  When Mothra or Ghidrah spread their wings, it takes up every inch of space on the screen.  When Godzilla battles in the streets, he levels the city to the ground.  When they fight for control of the planet, it made the four-decades-old Godzilla fan inside me cheer.  Speaking as a critic, there are certain flaws in this movie.  Speaking as a die-hard Godzilla fan, Godzilla:  King of the Monsters is truly a sight to behold.  

All I can say is, bring on Kong vs. Godzilla!

GHOST SHARK 2: URBAN JAWS (2015) ***

The first Ghost Shark was an uneven, stupid, but fun supernatural shark movie.  I didn’t have high hopes for this one because it looked a lot cheaper.  If the original was a SyFy Channel Original, Ghost Shark 2:  Urban Jaws looks like a no-budget DIY movie.  Maybe my low expectations worked, because the flick manages to be even more ludicrous and hilarious than its predecessor.   

Of course, you all remember in the first Ghost Shark how the titular spectral shark could kill its victims in the smallest drop of water?  This time out, the ghost shark is in Auckland, New Zealand killing people from a freshly mopped floor, out of steam released from an iron, and even from inside of a popsicle! 

Many of the intentionally humorous interactions with the human characters fall flat, but when the ghost shark is doing its thing, the movie is a lot of fun.  You might think that for a film called Ghost Shark 2, it would just be a cheap, forgettable, throwaway affair with very limited craftsmanship, but you’d be wrong.  Take the Hitchcockian scene of a couple having sex in the shower.  Since they’re surrounded by water, you think it’s going to be an obvious set-up for a shark attack.  Then, in next room we see a roommate listening to them making love.  He gets so horny that he grabs some lube and starts jerking off.  Then, the ghost shark attacks from the lube in his hand and bites his dick off.  This sequence is downright Spielbergian in that we never see the shark or the gore.  Oh, and did I mention the Bergmanesque black and white dream sequences?

Sure, some of the kills are dumb (like when it arises out of a pan of spaghetti sauce), but with so many ingenious deaths sprinkled throughout, you were bound to get a few duds.  Also, at 69 minutes, Ghost Shark 2 knows exactly when to quit.  That’s more than I can say for a lot of these things.

FALO CREST (1987) ****

If you’re around my age (forty), you’re sure to remember when Falcon Crest was all the rage.  If you don’t, this review might not be for you.  If, however, you’re like me (and if you aren’t, that’s probably a good thing), you’ve undoubtedly seen your share of porn parodies.  If your movie-watching tastes are like mine, you’ve probably seen your fair share of Jess Franco movies too.  If you somehow managed to check all those boxes (and God help you if you are), you’re sure to enjoy Jess Franco’s porn parody version of Falcon Crest, Falo Crest.

The matriarch of a rich family invites various family members to her posh mansion for a big gathering.  At the dinner table, she forces some of her more modest relatives to have sex while she watches.  Then, she unveils the family vineyard’s new cum-flavored wine that has aphrodisiac properties, which of course, leads to more sex.  

You know you’re in for a good time straight away during the opening handjob sequence which is shot through a kaleidoscopic lens.  From there, we get a long scene of family members having long telephone conversations while they’re getting head.  At one point, the family dog gets in the act when it licks the butler’s ass!  If you’ve seen your share of Franco movies like I have, this little bit of bestiality probably won’t even cause you to raise an eyebrow.  If, for whatever reason you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into, you’re best to bail out before it’s too late.  

Now, everyone remembers that famous episode of Falcon Crest when Jane Wyman was locked in an S & M prison and the only way she was could be released was if she ate shit fresh out of the warden’s assistant’s asshole, got pissed on, and then double-teamed by two horny prisoners while the warden rubbed her clit with a cigar?  I mean, TV Guide had that listed as one of their 10 Best TV Episodes of All Time.  Well, Franco does a nearly scene-for-scene remake of that famous moment that warmed the nation’s hearts.  

Of course, who could forget that episode of Falcon Crest where Lorenzo Lamas pulled out his cock and jerked off on the family oranges to make their top-secret wine?  Or the classic episode when Robert Foxworth started an ass-fucking contest to settle the family’s estate?  Franco somehow managed to crib from that immortal episode too.  It’s like he took all the moments we knew and loved from the series and added his own unique spin to them.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Falo Crest features all the incest, bestiality, shit-eating, piss-drinking, and ass-fucking contests you’d expect from your average episode of Falcon Crest.  

I guess what I’m saying is that this fucked-up movie even made this jaded Jess Franco hound sit up and take notice.

I guess what I’m saying is…FOUR STARS!  

Now, I wonder if Franco ever made a porno version of Dallas…

AKA:  Phalo Crest.

WICKED MINDS (2003) **

Holden (Andrew W. Walker) comes home from Harvard to find his filthy rich father (Winston Rekert) has married a much younger woman named Lana (Angie Everhart).  Since dad is a workaholic, that means Holden and Lana wind up spending a lot of time with each other.  Naturally, they end up in the sack and begin a relationship.  Holden eventually learns his hot-tempered father’s been abusive toward Lana and he becomes visibly upset.  When daddy is found dead, both his son and his lover become suspects.

Wicked Minds has a good scene early on where Walker and Everhart meet the first time when he walks in on her in the shower.  A few of their romantic encounters have a modicum of sizzle too, but despite the DVD box’s claim that it’s “Unrated”, this is unfortunately nothing more than a Lifetime Movie, so Angie is only seen naked from the shoulders up.  In fact, Walker spends more time with his shirt off than Everhart!  (You can tell it was made for TV by the occasional fade-ins used to signal a commercial break.)  

After a solid set-up (well, for a Lifetime Movie anyway), the pacing dawdles as it enters the second act.  The tension falters when it really should be ramping up as director Jason (Poison Ivy:  The Secret Society) Hreno seems more adept at the scenes of watered-down seduction than he is at following through with the whodunit aspects of the story.  The reveals of the various plot twists are also telegraphed and lack panache.  The finale is OK, but again, Hreno doesn’t handle the tension particularly well.

Angie is sexy to be sure.  She also has good chemistry with Walker, who does a fine job as the naïve son who gets suckered into her game.  Maybe if there was a nude scene or two in here, it would’ve been worth a damn.    

AKA:  Paranoia.  

GENTLEMEN BRONCOS (2009) **

Benjamin (Michael Angarano) is a homeschooled nerd who writes a shitty sci-fi story.  He takes the story to a writer’s camp where his idol, a snooty sci-fi author (Jemaine Clement) steals his idea and uses it for his next book.  Meanwhile, a girl he has a crush on (Halley Feiffer) makes a movie based on Benjamin’s story and winds up getting sued.  Eventually, Benjamin goes to confront his idol at a book signing to set things straight.

I was a fan of director Jared Hess’ Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, but somehow never got around to seeing this.  It certainly had promise, and the first act is sort of amusing.  I liked the scenes from the book, which star Sam Rockwell in a variety of odd costumes.  I also enjoyed the scenes of Feiffer making the movie based on the book.  Clement gets a couple of laughs from playing the overly self-absorbed author, as does Jennifer Coolidge as Angarano’s kooky mother.

Unfortunately, these sporadic moments are about as good as it gets.  Unlike Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, Gentlemen Broncos is missing the important factor that made those films work:  Heart.  Without it, it simply becomes a series of awkward scenes of quirky losers stumbling about.  The tacked-on fantasy scenes help give the feeling that this might’ve been intended as a short at one point, but Hess kept tossing everything but the kitchen sink in there to get it up to feature length.  (Likewise, the scenes of Coolidge being seduced by a nightgown magnate go nowhere.)  In fact, I think we would’ve been better off had it been a short.  At ninety minutes the offbeat hijinks eventually grow tiresome and you quickly become immune to whatever charm the film might’ve once had.

STONE COLD DEAD (1980) ***

Richard Crenna stars as a determined cop out to stop a killer who’s going around murdering hookers with a sniper rifle.  Paul Williams is the evil pimp who...  

Okay, do you need any more convincing to see Stone Cold Dead?  Didn’t think so.  I mean how are you not going to watch it now that you know one of the most beloved icons of the ‘70s plays a pimp who forces the girls in his stable to give him head in the back of his limo?  

Apparently, there’s another version of the film that adds a scene of Linnea Quigley being killed.  Unfortunately, that’s not the one I saw.  I may have to track it down at some point.  It can only make the movie even better, right? 

I mean, this flick has everything.  Paul Williams getting roughed up by Richard Crenna at a hooker’s funeral, Chickie from Death Wish V as a crooked cop, strippers, hookers being taken out by Sniper Rifle POV shots, Bob Seger songs, you name it, it’s got it.

In addition, it’s got this weird energy that makes the predictable plot feel fresh.  It’s probably too long with maybe one extraneous subplot that bogs things down, but it’s constantly absorbing thanks to the performances.  Crenna is given such an eccentric character to play that it more than makes up for the film’s lapses in other areas.  He has a great gimmick where he calls his answering machine that’s set up to a Rube Goldberg contraption that feeds his fish whenever the ringer goes off.  That way he doesn’t have to race home to take care of them when he’s on a case.  It’s offbeat touches like this that help to make Stone Cold Dead stone cold awesome.  This also leads to a wonderful character moment for Crenna when a woman asks him why he has goldfish for a pet and he replies, “Fish don’t bark!”

AKA:  Point Two-Two.  AKA:  Sin Sniper.