If
you’re around my age (forty), you’re sure to remember when Falcon Crest was all
the rage. If you don’t, this review
might not be for you. If, however,
you’re like me (and if you aren’t, that’s probably a good thing), you’ve undoubtedly
seen your share of porn parodies. If your
movie-watching tastes are like mine, you’ve probably seen your fair share of
Jess Franco movies too. If you somehow
managed to check all those boxes (and God help you if you are), you’re sure to
enjoy Jess Franco’s porn parody version of Falcon Crest, Falo Crest.
The
matriarch of a rich family invites various family members to her posh mansion
for a big gathering. At the dinner
table, she forces some of her more modest relatives to have sex while she
watches. Then, she unveils the family
vineyard’s new cum-flavored wine that has aphrodisiac properties, which of
course, leads to more sex.
You
know you’re in for a good time straight away during the opening handjob
sequence which is shot through a kaleidoscopic lens. From there, we get a long scene of family
members having long telephone conversations while they’re getting head. At one point, the family dog gets in the act when
it licks the butler’s ass! If you’ve
seen your share of Franco movies like I have, this little bit of bestiality
probably won’t even cause you to raise an eyebrow. If, for whatever reason you don’t know what
you’ve gotten yourself into, you’re best to bail out before it’s too late.
Now,
everyone remembers that famous episode of Falcon Crest when Jane Wyman was
locked in an S & M prison and the only way she was could be released was if
she ate shit fresh out of the warden’s assistant’s asshole, got pissed on, and
then double-teamed by two horny prisoners while the warden rubbed her clit with a
cigar? I mean, TV Guide had that listed
as one of their 10 Best TV Episodes of All Time. Well, Franco does a nearly scene-for-scene
remake of that famous moment that warmed the nation’s hearts.
Of
course, who could forget that episode of Falcon Crest where Lorenzo Lamas
pulled out his cock and jerked off on the family oranges to make their top-secret
wine? Or the classic episode when Robert
Foxworth started an ass-fucking contest to settle the family’s estate? Franco somehow managed to crib from that
immortal episode too. It’s like he took
all the moments we knew and loved from the series and added his own unique spin
to them.
I
guess what I’m trying to say here is that Falo Crest features all the incest,
bestiality, shit-eating, piss-drinking, and ass-fucking contests you’d expect
from your average episode of Falcon Crest.
I
guess what I’m saying is that this fucked-up movie even made this jaded Jess Franco
hound sit up and take notice.
I
guess what I’m saying is…FOUR STARS!
Now, I wonder if Franco ever made a porno version of Dallas…
AKA: Phalo Crest.
No comments:
Post a Comment