CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RAZORBACK (1984) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on January 28, 2018)

Razorback was the feature directing debut for Russell Mulcahy, who made quite a name for himself directing several music videos, most notably Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf”.  (The band’s “New Moon on Monday” is even heard in one scene.)  Right away, it established the trademark style that would run throughout his career in films like Highlander, Ricochet, and The Shadow.  It was written by the prolific Everett de Roche, who was also responsible for a slew of other Ozploitation flicks of the era including Long Weekend, Patrick, and Road Games.

The film follows in the Jaws mold as it’s about a giant killer animal (in this case, an enormous boar) running amok and eating people.  (The crusty old big game hunter has more than a little bit of Quint in him.)  There’s also a touch of Psycho in there too as the female lead gets offed early on.  It probably could’ve done without the gratuitous opening that crassly exploits the “A dingo ate my baby” case, except… you know… with a giant boar instead of a dingo.

Beth (Judy Morris) is an American reporter who goes to the Australian outback to do a story on kangaroo poachers.  She sticks her nose in where it doesn’t belong, and pretty soon a pair of skeevy poachers try to have their way with her.  They are interrupted by the killer razorback and while they escape, the disgusting boar gobbles up poor Judy.  Her husband Carl (Gregory Harrison) soon arrives on the scene to get revenge on the putrid piggy with the help of a grizzled hunter (Bill Kerr) and a sexy college student (Arkie Whiteley).

Mulcahy’s cinematic gymnastics, coupled with the excellent cinematography by Dean (The Road Warrior) Semler help disguise the fact that Razorback is just another interchangeable When Animals Attack flick.  You know the old saying, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  Well, there you go.  For fans of the genre, it should fit the bill.  The final showdown is solid and Mulcahy delivers at least one quality jump scare. 

The problem is the erratic pacing.  All the stuff at the beginning with the poachers feels like filler.  Almost as if the filmmakers wanted to squeeze in a “message” before getting down to the nitty gritty.  Also, unlike, say Steven Spielberg, Mulcahy can’t really milk the suspense for all its worth when he’s keeping the killer animal hidden from the audience’s view.  Whenever the razorback is shown in all its glory, the movie manages to come to life.  However, when Harrison (who makes for a dull leading man) is busy trekking through the outback or wasting his time with the annoying poachers, this boar is a bore.   

AKA:  Razorback:  Destructor.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: DRACULA: PAGES FROM A VIRGIN’S DIARY (2003) ** ½

(Streamed via FilmRise)

From the title, you’d assume (as I did) this was going to be a smutty softcore version of the Dracula legend.  However, it’s a rather fascinating, if only intermittently successful bait-and-switch.  The first tip-off this isn’t going to be what you think is comes during the opening credits, which state it’s “based on a ballet”.  That’s right folks, this is actually a ballet version of Dracula! 

Now, as I’m sure you all can guess, I’m definitely not a ballet kind of guy, but if you want me to watch your ballet movie, making it an adaptation of the Bram Stoker classic is a step in the right direction. 

Another cool touch is that it’s entirely done in the style of an old silent movie.  The title cards are updated and modernized, but the sepia-tone look alternately resembles a German expressionist picture and a ‘90s music video.  This helps to gives the ballet sequences a timeless and sometimes dreamlike feel. 

One other novel twist:  Dracula is Asian. 

The film takes some liberties with the novel, but it is rather faithful in most respects.  The big difference is that the first half of the movie is devoted to the character of Lucy (Tara Birtwhistle) and her seduction at the hands of Dracula (Zhang Wei-Qiang).  She gets several big dance numbers in her bedroom, and another one in her crypt when Van Helsing (David Moroni) and company come calling to drive a stake through her heart. 

This is the most effective section, mostly because it feels like a breath of fresh air compared to so many other dull retreads.  The second act kicks off with a fast-forward recap of Dracula’s business with Jonathan Harker (Johnny A. Wright) before he moves on to try to put the bite on Harker’s fiancé Mina (CindyMarie Small).  The finale, in which Dracula gets his eventual comeuppance is kind of cool, but for the most part, the second half pales next to the stuff with Lucy. 

Combining ballet with Dracula is such a simple but provocative idea that I’m a little surprised it hadn’t been done before.  I can’t say Dracula:  Pages from a Virgin’s Diary works as a whole, but it remains an interesting attempt.  It's certainly more memorable and offbeat than most of the movies I’ve watched this month.

CLASS ACTION PARK (2020) *** ½

Yeah, I know I’m doing a terrible job at watching nothing but horror movies during the month of October.  I just broke protocol by watching the documentary on The Go’Go’s, so why not continue the trend by watching yet another documentary?  However, this one almost fits the theme as there is some stuff in here that is downright horrific and would fit right at home in a horror movie.

Class Action Park tells the story of Action Park, a waterpark in Vernon, New Jersey that was notorious for its dangerous attractions and lax safety regulations.  Throughout the ‘80s, it was the premier vacation destination for belligerent teenagers who didn’t want a little thing like safety precautions getting in the way of their water slides, speed boats, and go-karts.  We hear from former employees and frequent visitors about the various attractions and the many injuries that occurred while the park was in operation.  

On one hand, Class Action Park is a celebration of the recklessness (and sheer stupidity) of youth.  It’s a reminder of the bygone ‘80s, and how that decade’s penchant for excess, combined with the predominance of perpetually bored and unsupervised latchkey kids formed the perfect storm to lay the groundwork for such a park to be an overwhelming success.  The vintage advertisements, commercials, and home movie footage also help to perfectly capture the time and place. 

In its last half-hour, things turn quite dark and depressing.  It’s here where we follow a family who lost a son due to the park’s gross negligence.  While other guests boldly brag about escaping the park with their life, their story is a grim reminder that all weren’t so lucky and puts a big spotlight on what a scumbag the owner of the park really was. 

I never got to visit the park.  Hearing the various anecdotes from guests and (especially) employees throughout the film is probably the next best thing though.  (Some of the animated vignettes of various park mishaps are amusing.)  It’s also, like, way safer.  

THE GO-GO’S (2020) ***

I know I was only going to watch and review horror movies during the month of October.  However, I happened to be in the room when my wife put this on and being a huge fan of The Go-Go’s, I got sucked into it.  Turns out, it’s a solid documentary on the one of the best bands of the ‘80s. 

I don’t think there’s anything revolutionary here from a cinematic perspective.  It’s all pretty cut and dry.  The band members are seen in single camera interviews that are intercut with performance footage, music videos, and still photographs.  As a movie, it won’t knock your socks off.

For fans of the band, it will be a breezy trip down memory lane.  If you’re a fan like me, you’ve probably already seen their episode of VH-1 Behind the Music.  If that’s the case, you pretty much know the whole story behind the rise and fall and re-rise of The Go-Go’s.  What gives this documentary an edge over that show is the abundance of video footage of their early days as a punk band.  It’s really cool seeing snippets of their punkier days when they weren’t as polished and refined as their later pop-friendly incarnation.  Unlike the VH-1 special, this doc doesn’t have any footage from the infamous Go-Go’s sex tape.  Bummer.  I guess their lips are sealed when it comes to their tawdry backstage antics. 

If you’re looking for a deep dive into the band, this ain’t it.  If you’re looking for gossip, there’s some of that, but not much.  The fact that it ends with the band members reunited in the studio writing and performing a new song precludes the fact they won’t be trashing each other (too much).  I wish they had also focused on everyone’s solo efforts, but it’s understandable seeing as the film’s main focus is the band.

While it may not be the definitive documentary on The Go-Go's, fans like me are sure to be head over heels about it.  

SPIRITED KILLER 2 (1996) * ½

I saw the first Spirited Killer a long time ago when it was rereleased to cash-in on Tony Jaa’s rising popularity.  I don’t remember much about it, other than it was by far the worst Tony Jaa movie I had seen up to that point.  He’s nowhere to be found in this crummy horror-comedy sequel, which is good news for his career and bad news for me.

A group of friends go out into the wilderness looking for treasure.  To find the loot, they must perform a ritual that will awaken one of the girl’s dead grandfather.  Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, a gang of criminals are performing a ritual of their own.  They wind up getting their wires crossed and as a result, there are dead gangsters and zombie grandfathers hopping around the woods looking to make a hot lunch out of our heroes.

The comedy elements are painfully unfunny.  The sure sign you are in trouble comes when there are multiple Benny Hill-style fast motion chase scenes.  If you’re watching a Benny Hill-style fast motion chase scene that doesn’t involve Benny Hill, chances are, you’re in for some pain. 

Another sequence has the zombies following their intended victim by tracking their breathing.  The guys then get the bright idea to hold their breath until the zombie goes away.  Just when it looks like the zombie has lost them, one of the dudes farts.  Hardee-fucking-har-har.

The action scenes are pretty much a wash too.  At all times it looks like something filmed in someone’s backyard.  I don’t mean that as a knock against low budget filmmakers in general… just these low budget filmmakers.  Another lame sequence involves our heroes setting up an impromptu wrestling ring to fight off the zombie, complete with a bit where he argues with the “referee”.  One thing’s for sure, I won’t be going to the mat for Spirited Killer 2 any time soon.

At least the last half hour is basically a series of non-stop fight scenes.  I didn’t say they were “good” fight scenes, but there are a lot of them.  While that’s not quite enough to completely salvage the movie, it did keep it from slipping down to a * rating.

AKA:  Wake Up to Kill 3.  AKA:  Spirited Killer 2:  Awakened Zombie Battles.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: AUDREY ROSE (1977) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on November 17^th, 2017)

Janice (Marsha Mason) notices there’s a strange man who is always following her daughter Ivy (Susan Swift) around.  As it turns out, his name is Elliot (Anthony Hopkins), and he’s convinced Ivy is the reincarnation of his dead daughter, Audrey Rose.  She and her husband (John Beck) think he’s nuts at first, but when Ivy begins reliving Audrey Rose’s violent death on a nightly basis, they soon have to face the possibility that Elliot is the only man who can save her.

Audrey Rose is a handsomely mounted, low key, slow burn horror movie directed by Robert Wise, who knows a thing or two about handsomely mounted, low key slow burn horror movies.  It was written by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the book the movie was base on.  The film unfolds slowly, much like a novel, and the way Wise and De Felitta drop the pieces into place throughout the first act is quite effective. 

I also enjoyed the second act, which bears more than a little resemblance to The Exorcist in many respects.  As a parent, the scenes of Mason and Beck helplessly standing by as their daughter suffers night after night, hit home.  There is also something unsettling about the idea of allowing a strange man into your home to comfort your daughter.

All the mood and tension drain out of the movie in the third act when it abruptly changes gears and becomes a courtroom drama, of all things.  It’s almost as if someone changed the channel and left the TV on an episode of Matlock or something.  Although the final “test” scene is well done, the back-and-forth during the trial, not to mention the melodramatic shit between Mason and Beck, pretty much sink the whole affair.

Mason, it must be said, is a bit miscast.  She’s not bad, but all she really gets to do is act hysterical and look longingly at Hopkins for help.  Beck fares quite well as the dickhead husband who has his head so far up his ass, he can’t see that Hopkins only wants to help.  Hopkins ties it all together nicely.  His twitchy, sweaty, committed performance keeps you watching, even once the film has completely gone off the rails.

They say you shouldn’t remake good movies.  The thought is you should only remake ones that almost worked, but somehow fell short.  I’d say Audrey Rose would be a prime candidate for a remake.  It might be the only way for this reincarnation-tinged horror flick to… ahem… find another life. 

De Felitta later wrote The Entity.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: GOTHIC VAMPIRES FROM HELL: BATTLE OF THE BANDS (2007) **

(Streamed via Yuyu TV)

A rock band called Gothic Vampires from Hell enters a battle of the bands concert at a goth nightclub.  There, they meet a record executive named Annastasia Nightshade (Gina DeVettori) who is looking for “new blood” for her label.  That’s obviously code for “turn the group into vampires”.

Gothic Vampires from Hell:  Battle of the Bands is a shot-on-video, microbudget horror flick that’s padded with musical performances and filled with annoying CGI effects.  As far as these things go, it isn’t too bad.  At least it’s short.

The guys look the part of goth posers they resemble dweebs dressed in The Crow cosplay.  (The main guy is even named “Draven” for Christ’s sake.)  The ladies in the group look out of place though as they just seem like skanks you’d see at a regular club.  The music doesn’t seem very goth either as it sounds more like lightweight rock n’ roll.  Also, you kind of have to laugh when the bands are in the midst of the big “battle of the bands” contest and the movie cuts away to maybe like twelve people in total in the bar listening to the music.

The gore is over the top though, which helps.  I liked the scene where a dying guy delivered a long monologue while arterial spray continued to spew out of his gaping neck wound.  In fact, you have to wonder if the vampires ever get any nourishment from their victims as so much blood erupts like a goddamned geyser from their necks. 

The gore effects may be good, but the CGI is anything but.  The animated bats are downright laughable, although I will admit CGI flames looked slightly better.  That dancing CGI fairy (?) on the other hand?  That’s truly WTF. 

The only nudity comes courtesy of a BBW club girl who is put into a trance by one of the sexy vampires and is forced to strip.  I also liked the red-tinted scenes from Nosferatu that were superimposed over the sex scene.  That was a nice touch.  If there was a little bit more skin, this might’ve skated by with a ** ½ rating, but who knows.

The big problem is that it’s heavily padded with mediocre musical numbers.  Probably a third of the running time is devoted to the band playing their music on stage and/or the clubgoers stumbling around trying to dance.  The ending is further padded out by repeating various kills that occurred during the film while the band performs their final number.  Then again, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that uses about as much blood as the Red Cross goes through in a month, so for that and that alone, I can’t give it any less than **.

AKA:  Gothic Vampires from Hell.