THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE (1997) * ½

The plot for this shitty, no-budget, Shot on Video slasher is simple:  A man flips his wig and stabs his wife to death in her sleep. He gets sent away to the nuthouse but escapes years later to murder some teens having a party.

Parts of Garden Tool Massacre are hard to see due to the poor lighting and/or crummy video cameras the crew were using.  (The tape rolls get annoying after a while too.)  Parts are hard to hear too due to the shitty sound and the thick British accents.  It doesn’t help that it’s pretty slow moving in general and is filled with long scenes where nothing happens.  The attempts at suspense also fail spectacularly.  I mean, having not one, but two scenes where a guy takes a piss in a garden where he doesn’t get his junk cut off by a garden tool in a movie called Garden Tool Massacre is just lazy filmmaking if you ask me.  Sequences where guys wake up, put on their pants and shave don’t necessarily make for gripping cinema either.  Also, the party turns out to be a complete sausage fest, which is extremely disappointing.

The biggest gripe comes from the fact that the killer doesn’t take full advantage of the whole gardening tool aesthetic implied by the title.  Among the weapons of death are a knife, a corkscrew, and an axe.  The only real gardening tools that are utilized are garden shears and hedge clippers.  To be fair, in one scene he does crack a guy’s neck while wearing gardening gloves, so I guess that counts.

It's a shame because the opening murder is decent.  It’s obvious director David Hinds is a fan of John Carpenter as he apes Halloween every chance he gets.  Too bad the results are not very effective and kinda dull.  The poster is cool though.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE (2017) ***

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE (2015) ***

Warden Robert Englund presides over a secret supermax prison that exclusively houses serial killers. There’s a jailbreak on Halloween night and the nutjobs take refuge in a nearby haunted house attraction based on their various crimes.   A group of friends then go to the park unaware that the “Scare Actors” have been replaced by the real McCoy. 

That’s a pretty neat idea for a movie.   It’s kind of like Slashers Meets Hell Fest.  It also helps that the cast is solid for this sort of thing.  In addition to Englund (whose role ultimately amounts to an extended cameo), we have Jere (Justified) Burns acting suitably tweaked as the ringleader of the group of killers.  Candice De Visser also makes a memorable impression as Burns’ clown-faced gal pal, who is basically a Harley Quinn clone, but is nevertheless fun to watch.  We also get Clint Howard as “The Taxidermist” who’s sort of like the Ed Gein of the group.  (Other killers are loosely based on Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, and Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter.)   The ’Burbs' Courtney Gains is also kind of funny as the owner of the haunted attraction, and Scottie Thompson makes for a fetching Final Girl as the sexy sheriff on the case.

The gore is great all around too.  There’s face ripping, gut ripping, death by coat hook, head bludgeoning via strongman mallet, plaque scraper in the ear, head ripping (multiple), and a face shoved in a hot dog grill.  The surprising thing about The Funhouse Massacre is that the humor is actually funny.  I liked the scene where the dim bulb girl thought her Marilyn Monroe outfit was a “Sexy Hilary Clinton costume”.  The bumbling deputy gets some laughs as he’s hopelessly out of his depth taking on a half dozen serial killers.  All in all, this is a fun time, and makes for perfect Spooky Season viewing.  It’s certainly much better than the similarly themed, but wildly overpraised, Haunt. 

TRAILERS #25: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE 50’S AND 60’S (1992) *** ½

This twenty-fifth collection from Something Weird is another strong addition to their long-running line of trailer compilation tapes.  There’s more of a concentration of horror than Sci-Fi, so it makes for perfect viewing around this time of year.  (Or, if you’re like me and love trailer tapes in general, any time of year.)

The thing that sets this one apart from many other comps is the fact that it is so heavily stacked with trailers for lesser-known, lower budget, and just plain odd movies.  Sure, there are trailers here from a handful of cult items (Gammera the Invincible, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Beach Girls and the Monster), horror favorites (A Bucket of Blood, Anatomy of a Psycho, and I Saw What You Did), and even a stone-cold classic (The Manchurian Candidate), but the bulk of the ads come from the likes of The Phantom Speaks, Island of Lost Women, and The Wacky World of Doctor Morgus.  All the trailers are for black and white films, and while I usually like a little variety in my trailer collections (that is to say, color movies with a little blood and guts and T & A), the fact that I had no idea what trailer I’d see next gave this one a sense of discovery that was purely delightful.  

Other trailers featured include Edgar Allan Poe adaptations (The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, and Master of Horror), films from the Dr. Mabuse series (The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Dr. Mabuse, and The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse), and a shitload of Jerry Warren movies (Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Creature of the Walking Dead, and The Wild World of Batwoman).  

Some of these things tend to run on a little long.  (You can, as it turns out, have too much of a good thing sometimes.)  However, at a brisk eighty-three minutes, Trailers #25 breezes right on by and is a blast from start to finish.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Return of Captain Marvel AKA:  Adventures of Captain Marvel, The Phantom Speaks, The Werewolf, The Devil's Commandment AKA:  Lust of the Vampire, The Thing That Couldn't Die, Curse of the Faceless Man, Island of Lost Women, The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock, A Bucket of Blood, The Hideous Sun Demon, The Atomic Submarine, Teenage Torture AKA:  Teenage Zombies, Anatomy of a Psycho, Scream of Fear, The Devil's Hand, Bloodlust!, The Hidden Room of 1,000 Horrors AKA:  The Tell-Tale Heart. The Manchurian Candidate, Tower of London, The Wacky World of Dr. Morgus, The Crawling Hand, The Strangler, The Evil Eye AKA:  The Girl Who Knew Too Much, Face of Terror, Dead Eyes of London, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Mutiny in Outer Space, I Saw What You Did, Creature of the Walking Dead, Master of Horror, Dark Intruder, The Invisible Horror AKA:  The Invisible Dr. Mabuse, Terror of the Mad Doctor AKA:  The Terror of Doctor Mabuse, The Beach Girls and the Monster, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, Curse of the Voodoo AKA:  Voodoo Blood Death, The Mad Executioners, The Nanny, Blood Bath, The Phantom Fiend AKA:  The Return of Dr. Mabuse, The Embalmer, Frozen Alive, Blood Beast from Outer Space, Sound of Horror, Door-to-Door Maniac AKA:  Five Minutes to Live, Gammera the Invincible, The Wild World of Batwoman, The Diabolical Dr. Z, Terror-Creatures from the Grave, The Frozen Dead, and The Devil's Daffodil. 

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: 4/20 MASSACRE (2018) ***

In the opening scene, a killer in a ghillie suit (that I guess is supposed to resemble marijuana?) kills a stoner for messing around his weed stash.  Then, a group of girlfriends heading out into the woods for a camping weekend on 4/20 pitch a tent near his cash crop.  The girls wind up in possession of the killer’s weed and he'll do anything to get it back. 

Well, it looks like they’re starting to run out of legitimate holidays to base slasher movies around.  Now they’re resorting to using fake holidays like 4/20.  I guess it makes sense though, seeing how stoners have been prime slasher fodder since the dawn of the slasher film.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to not make ALL the characters annoying stoners. 

As far as holiday-themed horror flicks go, 4/20 Massacre is solidly entertaining.  The gore is rather strong too, which is always a plus.  We get a gut spilling scene that earns extra points for the part where the guy tries to stuff his own intestines back inside his stomach and fails miserably at it.  There’s also a pretty gnarly cigar to the eye scene, a death by bong (naturally), and a champagne bottle to the face. 

What sets 4/20 Massacre apart from the rest of the pack is the surprising amount of LGBT content.  What’s even more surprising is its frank and honest portrayal of lesbian relationships, which is not necessarily something you’d expect to see in a film called 4/20 Massacre. Not only does it explore characters in the midst of a budding lesbian romance, there’s also a gay character who is unsure how to come out to her best friend (and hopeful partner), which manages to hit on real notes of truth.  These dramatic/romantic scenes are played so well by Jamie (The Bunnyman Massacre) Bernadette and Vanessa Rose (Samurai Cop 2) Parker that you almost forget there’s a weed-obsessed killer lurking about.  Almost.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER KILLING 2 (2022) **

This movie kinda derailed my streak of watching slashers with the word “Massacre” in the title.  Even though the title for this sequel to Easter Bunny Massacre is labeled as “Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail” on Tubi (and IMDb), the actual onscreen title is “Easter Killing 2”.  Now, Easter Bunny Massacre was also known as Easter Killing.  I don’t know why they didn’t bother to change the title in the opening credits.  Well, even though the titles got flippity-flopped, the premise is still about a killer hippity hop.

This is less a sequel than a remake of the first film.  Another set of friends are lured to a remote house in the middle of nowhere under the false pretense of an Easter party.  All of them share a dark secret on their past and soon, a Bunny garbed killer begins leaving them mysterious boxes containing threatening voice messages from a former deceased friend.  Before long, the friends are picked off one by one by killers in ramshackle Easter bunny costumes. 

Although the set-up is similar to the first film, this time, the flashbacks aren’t intrusive on the narrative.  While the original borrowed from several sources, this one’s main inspiration comes from Scream.  (It even rips off the opening sequence.)  I might say this is slightly better, but unfortunately, the kills are mediocre and forgettable. 

Even though it’s shorter than the first film, it still tends to drag, especially in the second half.  The good news is the climax has a surprise or two up its sleeve.  I particularly liked the way the filmmakers connected this back to the original.  (I won’t spoil it as it’s the best part of the movie.)  Perhaps if the film showed the same ingenuity throughout the running time that it displayed in the climax, it could’ve been a winner. 

AKA:  Easter Bunny Massacre:  The Bloody Trail.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: EASTER BUNNY MASSACRE (2021) **

A group of friends go out into the woods on Easter for a drug-fueled party.  The next morning, they all wake up covered in their dead friend’s blood.  Since none of them remember what happened the night before, they decide to ditch the body and cover up the murder.  One year later, they receive invitations from their dead friend to an Easter party where their mysterious host plays a series of games with them.  Is their friend really back from the dead and out to get revenge?  Or is someone else orchestrating the scheme on her behalf?

Easter Bunny Massacre is a British mix of ‘80s slashers like Slaughter High, ‘90s fare like I Know What You Did Last Summer, and your standard-issue holiday-themed horror flick.  The host makes the guests go on an Easter egg hunt for clues, has them solve riddles, and leaves mystery boxes in an attempt to make them confess their crime. Honestly, it all sort of works for the first half-hour or so. 

Sadly, things grind to a halt once the film turns into a half-assed version of Rashomon.  It’s here where the partygoers give differing accounts of what happened on the night of the murder, and the flashbacks really bog things down just when things should be getting juicy.  The finale is decent, but it’s just not good enough to overcome the second act doldrums.

The Easter Bunny mask the killer wears is ugly and bloody, but it’s not as cool as the suit featured in The Bunnyman Massacre.  The kills are sort of bland too.  The only novel touch comes when the Bunny throws scalding chocolate into a guy’s face before stabbing him to death.  I wish there were more Easter-themed murders here, but oh well.  Still, I can’t get too mad at any slasher movie in which the killer lines his victims up around the dinner table at the end. 

AKA:  Easter Killing.