JAVA HEAT (2013) **

With a name like Java Heat, I fully expected this to be about a couple of cops hanging out in a trendy coffeehouse.  Actually, it’s just a low rent direct-to-DVD actioner that takes place in Indonesia.  Honest mistake. 

Kellan Lutz stars as an Ivy League teaching assistant.  He attends a party in Java where he hits on an Indonesian princess.  Later on, she is presumably killed by a suicide bomber, but Lutz does some digging and figures out that the body in the morgue is an imposter.  He teams up with a detective (who quickly realizes Lutz is actually an undercover agent) to rescue the princess.

Java Heat is a ho-hum Stranger in a Strange Land thriller.  The xenophobic hero is uncomfortable in a Muslim country and doesn’t understand the local customs and culture.  (He chastises a detective for eating ethnic food because it’s not gluten free.)  It is adequate for the most part.  Lutz goes through all the motions your typical action lead would go through.  The action, while it suffers from the lack of a decent budget, is competent, but generic.  Memorable, engaging, and exciting, it is not.

Mickey Rourke plays the slimy villain who wears loud shirts, cheap suits, and speaks with an odd accent.  Sometimes he slurs his words so much that they have to use subtitles, even though he’s speaking English.  Okay, so maybe that part was slightly memorable.  Even though he brightens things up somewhat, he’s not in it nearly enough to make it all worthwhile.

AKA:  Good Evening.  AKA:  Good Night.  AKA:  Nightlife.