LITTLE DRAGON MAIDEN (1983) ***

A noble household takes in a reckless beggar they find poisoned in the streets.  The lady of the house feels responsible for his father’s death, so she urges her father to teach him Kung Fu.  During his training, the beggar is beaten senseless and leaves the house with debilitating injuries.  He is nursed back to health by the magical “Dragon Girl” who eventually agrees to train him.  This causes friction with her clan, who forbid handing down their teachings to men.

For the first hour or so, you’ll swear Little Dragon Maiden is just like every other Shaw Brothers Kung Fu movie you’ve ever seen.  It’s got guys in flowing robes punching each other, old beggars doing stupid comic relief shtick, training montages, beautiful women getting into fights in restaurants, and scenes of people flying around on wires.  The action is well done for the most part.  The choreography is decent, although it pales in comparison to some of the Shaw Brothers’ best stuff.  The scenes with the cool weaponry, like the spinning boomerang buzz saw, is more fun than the hand to hand stuff.  

Then, after about an hour, the acid starts to kick in and Little Dragon Maiden turns into an entirely different sort of animal.  Speaking of animals, this is probably the first movie I’ve ever seen that has a Kung Fu Chicken in it.  Yes, you read that right.  A Kung Fu Chicken.  It might come a little late in the game, but when the bodies start dropping, the Kung Fu Chicken starts tossing swords, heads get decapitated, people are cut in half lengthwise, and enemies start exploding, insanity rules.  I guess the fact that it was directed by Hua (The Super Infra-Man) Shan should’ve told me this wasn’t going to be just an ordinary Kung Fu flick.

Much of this is out of whack.  The term “Uneven” doesn’t even begin to do it justice.  The fantasy elements are ill-fitting with the more traditional Kung Fu scenes.  While the stuff with the Dragon Girl is handled well enough, her story is just no match for the hero’s run-ins with the six-foot Kung Fu Chicken in the third act.  If you have any problems making it through the first hour or so, trust me, hang in there.  Those Kung Fu Chicken scenes are something to see.  I’m not saying the Kung Fu Chicken saves the movie or anything, it’s just… okay… it saves the movie.

You know, just when I think I’ve seen it all… I haven’t.  

I don’t even know why they bothered to call this Little Dragon Maiden.  They should’ve called it Kung Fu Chicken.  It would’ve made a billion dollars domestic.  Easily.  Heck, the little dragon maiden isn’t even a real dragon lady.  The Kung Fu Chicken is a literal chicken who knows Kung Fu… and a six-foot tall one at that.