HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: STEPFATHER 3 (1992) **

Stepfather 3 begins with an extended back alley plastic surgery scene to explain why the Stepfather is played by a different actor this time out.  I’m not sure if this was totally necessary, but it does start the movie off in an icky manner that helps separate it from its staid predecessors.  In fact, it could’ve been a great self-contained sequence had director Guy (Children of the Corn:  Revelation) Magar not ruined things by using the blurry-cam effect so excessively during the big bone-saw-to-the-throat kill. 

Anyway, the Stepfather (now played by Robert Wightman, who is no Terry O’Quinn, I’ll tell you that) moves to a new town to make a fresh start.  He gets a job as a gardener at the local church where he meets a newly single mom (Three’s Company’s Priscilla Barnes) and puts the moves on her.  They get married almost immediately, much to the protest of her wheelchair-bound son (David Tom) who suspects his new stepfather is up to no good.

I was kind of prepared for the worst with this one, but as it turns out, it has its moments.  There’s a funny scene where the Stepfather dresses up like the Easter Bunny while courting Barnes that’s good for a laugh.  I also dug the subplot with Tom.  Since his condition is psychosomatic, you know he’s going to have a big hero moment late in the film where he rises out of his chair to save the day.  I also admired Magar trying a bit of misdirection as to the new identity of the Stepfather, although it’s fairly obvious who it’s going to be.  

While it’s far from a forgettable sequel, at 105 minutes, it’s just way too long for its own good.  It’s also filled with scenes of the Stepfather flipping out for no good reason and no one seems to care but the kid.  Even though the Stepfather kills people and makes lame wisecracks, it feels more like a Lifetime movie than a horror sequel.  That is, until the wood chipper finale (which was pretty much copied for the Friday the 13^th remake), which almost, but not quite makes up for the sluggish pacing.

That does it for this year’s edition of Halloween Hangover.  Tune in next month when our December movie-watching project will be a tribute to John Travolta called, Tra-la-la-la-la la-volta!

CHANCE (1990) ** ½

Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs stars in the fourth and final Jon Chance movie.  This time, he’s helping a friend in trouble.  Dan Haggerty plays his pal Zach, an ex-cop drunk-turned-repo man.  When Zach repos a car with millions in diamonds belonging to a crime kingpin stashed inside, he quickly becomes a wanted man on both sides of the law.  Chance soon finds himself up to his elbows in crooked cops and trigger-happy thugs who want the stones for themselves. 

Chance is a solid little cop thriller for the most part.  Jacobs once again turns in a fine performance as Chance.  If you enjoyed him in the other Chance films (L.A. Heat, Angels of the City, and L.A. Vice), you’re sure to be entertained by this one.  Haggerty is great too, and he and Jacobs have a lot of chemistry together.  It would also make a good double feature with Elves as both movies feature Haggerty playing ex-cops struggling with sobriety.  

The big drawback is that it’s relatively light on action compared to the rest of the PM Entertainment catalogue.  (It often feels more like the pilot of a TV show than a DTV action flick.)  One or two more action sequences, or even the addition of a little sleaze would’ve perked things up considerably.  Ultimately, it comes up a tad short thanks to the uneven pacing and the lack of big action sequences, but whenever the movie is coasting on the charm of its two leads, Chance is worth taking a gamble on.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: CANNIBAL GIRLS (1973) **

Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin come to a small town to hook up in a motel room.  There, they learn the local legend about an old house inhabited by beautiful women who like to eat people.  Naturally, they decide to stick around and check the place out.  Predictably, the couple wind up being their guests and end up on the menu. 

Cannibal Girls was originally released with a great gimmick.  A “Horror Horn” would sound to alert the audience something gruesome was about to happen.  Unfortunately, I didn’t see that version, so I can only imagine how awesomely it played. 

Even though I’m sure the Horror Horn would’ve sounded often, Cannibal Girls is ultimately an unsuccessful mix of horror and comedy.  Perhaps the heavily improvised script was to blame.  (It’s even acknowledged in the credits that the cast developed their own material, which is something I’ve never seen before.)  While Levy and Martin are a fine duo, they feel like they’re in a different movie than the rest of the cast.  Their film is somewhat amusing, albeit slight.  The other flick isn’t great either, but at least it has some gore and T & A.  It’s enough to make you wish director Ivan (Ghostbusters) Reitman went all in on the exploitation elements.  It probably could’ve worked as the gore scenes are effective, and Reitman does know how to create an appropriately sleazy Grindhouse atmosphere. 

The biggest stumbling block is the twist that occurs about 2/3 of the way through.  I won’t spoil it for you, but it heavily involves déjà vu, not to mention a fair amount of gaslighting.  Had the movie ended at about the seventy-minute mark, it would’ve been just fine.  However, the final fifteen minutes or so drags things down considerably. 

Levy and Martin later went on to star on SCTV where Dr. Tongue’s 3-D House of Stewardesses spoofed the genre to much better success.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (2018) **

Anna and the Apocalypse is a high school comedy musical zombie Christmas movie.  It’s probably the best one in existence.  Just because something is the only one of its type doesn’t mean it works.

Anna (Ella Hunt) is a teenage girl who gets into a tiff with her dad because she doesn’t want to go to college.  While she’s trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life, zombies attack.  She then has to band together with her schoolmates to stay one step ahead of the zombie horde, singing and dancing all the while.

The movie wants to be a half-assed combination of La La Land and Shaun of the Dead.  I’ll be the first to admit that musicals (especially modern-day ones) aren’t really my thing.  There are one or two catchy tunes here, but not nearly enough to make the musical sequences work.  Still, it’s better than your average episode of Glee, I suppose. 

A big problem is that the cast spend the first half-hour of the movie singing and dancing before the zombies even show up.  Once they do, things improve slightly.  The zombie scenes are better than the typical gut-muncher (characters battle the undead with seesaws, toilet lids, and bowling balls), which only makes you wish the filmmakers favored the horror genre over all the musical shit. 

Hunt has a winning screen presence.  She’d probably fare well in a straight zombie movie (or heck, even a musical).  She really keeps your attention, even when the movie itself starts to dawdle.  The rest of the cast, not so much.  

I wanted to like Anna and the Apocalypse more than I ultimately did.  It plays all its cards too soon and runs out of gas way before it crosses the finish line.  Sure, there are a few clever moments here, but being clever alone isn’t quite enough to get the job done. 

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018) * ½

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot plays like a serious version of an Asylum movie.  If you’re going attempt such an undertaking, you have to find the right tone.  Unfortunately, that’s something writer/director Robert D. Krzykowski never does.  

Here’s a fine example of how the tone doesn’t work:  The film expects us to believe Sam Elliott and Larry Miller are brothers.  Can I believe the same man could assassinate both Adolf Hitler and then the Bigfoot?  Sure, why not?  What I can’t believe is that Sam Elliott and Larry Miller sprung from the same loins.  

Another clue as to how off the production is:  It was produced by the trio of John Sayles, Lucky McKee, and Douglas Trumbull.  That alone is enough to make you stop and say... what?

Elliott plays a former super soldier who is remorseful for killing Hitler back in WWII, even if “he had it coming”.  He tries to go on with his life but discovers there is not outrunning his past.  Eventually, the government, who are well-aware of his past deeds, comes knocking at his door, asking him to kill the Bigfoot.  And not just “Bigfoot”.  “The” Bigfoot. 

The guy they got to play the younger Elliott in the WWII flashbacks is a dead ringer for him.  Too bad the flashbacks are easily the weakest parts.  It also keeps going back and forth in time, which gets annoying too.  It also ruins the momentum of the film.  To make matters worse, just when you think it’s over, it plods on needlessly for another twenty minutes.

At one point, Elliott says, “It’s not the comic book you want it to be”, almost as if he’s talking to the audience and making excuses as to why the movie sucks.  I mean, it didn’t have to be a comic book to work.  Then again, that approach would’ve been better than what the filmmakers came up with.  Krzykowski treats the material as a meditation on the legacy of violence and regret of misdeeds of long ago.  He thinks it's Unforgiven or something.  Except.  You know.  With the Bigfoot.

I admire an honest attempt to blend a serious message inside of B (or in this case, D) movie trappings, but it just never clicks.  Of the cast, only Ron (Loudermilk) Livingston hits the right note of serious and the absurd as the government agent who hires Elliott.  I just wish I could watch the film he thinks he’s in.

A CLOSE CALL FOR BOSTON BLACKIE (1946) ***

Chester Morris returns as reformed jewel thief-turned-sleuth Boston Blackie in his tenth big screen adventure.  (This was the first of three Boston Blackie movies he made in 1946 alone.)  This time out, Blackie tries to help a former flame evade her jealous jailbird husband.  When her hubby catches them alone together, he mistakes her baby for Blackie’s, and pulls a gun on them.  Before the hotheaded husband can pull the trigger, he winds up getting gunned down by a shadowy figure.  Blackie is blamed for the crime by his old nemesis Inspector Farraday (Richard Lane) and with the help of his faithful sidekick Runt (George E. Stone), he sets out to clear his name. 

Director Lew Landers (a veteran of several other Boston Blackie adventures) ensures A Close Call for Boston Blackie gets off to a crackling good start.  The mystery is solid and twisty, and there’s a handful of humorous moments to keep things moving along at a steady clip.  Landers gets a lot of mileage out of the cute baby, not to mention a pack on ornery dogs that cause quite a commotion in one of the movie’s best scenes.  My favorite moment though involves Blackie disguising himself as an old man to pull the wool over the villains’ eyes.  

These little asides help to balance out some of the plot hiccups that occur in the third act.  The climax lacks sparks too, but fans of the series will be pleased by the breezy pace, snappy banter, and energetic performance by Morris.  He’s in fine form once again and his verbal sparring with Stone and Lane is often amusing, making this one of the better Boston Blackie adventures.

AKA:  Lady of Mystery.

THE OUTLAW (1943) * ½

The Outlaw was eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes’ second and final film.  Like Hell’s Angels, the story surrounding the making of the movie is more interesting than the movie itself.  Hughes found his lusty, busty leading lady Jane Russell during a nationwide talent search, and her two big talents were the main reason why the flick was such a sensation.  Hughes openly defied The Hays Code, which forbade depicting implied sexuality, and because of that, it couldn’t legally be shown in respectable theaters.  It later wound up playing on the roadshow circuit for years and went on to become a cult item.  Seeing it now though, it’s hard to tell what the fuss was all about. 

The Outlaw depicts the meeting of Wild West legends Doc Holliday (Walter Huston) and Billy the Kid (Jack Buetel).  They make an uneasy alliance as Doc helps Billy perpetually evade capture by his good friend, sheriff Pat Garrett (Thomas Mitchell).  Trouble brews once Billy becomes enamored with Doc’s best gal Rio (Russell). 

Despite all the hubbub Russell’s bustline caused, this is a drab, dreary, and slow-moving oater in just about every way.  You know you’re in trouble when the great Gregg (Citizen Kane) Toland is your cinematographer and the film still looks blah.  The listless performances and terrible score (which often fluctuates from whimsical to comedic to melodramatic, sometimes within the same scene) further hamstring the experience.  Then there’s the clunky revisionist finale, which throws all historical accuracy out the window and only succeeds in making the whole thing that much more laughable.

Russell’s cleavage is best thing about the otherwise forgettable film.  Sure, the scene where Buetel gives her a roll in the hay was shocking for the day.  That doesn’t make it worth sitting through all the stilted dialogue scenes and forgettable shootouts.  Speaking of rolling, Hughes might’ve been rolling in the dough, but he sure isn’t much of a director.  At least Hell’s Angels had the benefit of some great aerial dogfight footage.  While Russell’s rack might be an impressive sight, The Outlaw is a big bust. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BLUE DEMON (1965) ***

Blue Demon makes his second screen appearance and has his first starring role in this fun Mexican monster movie.  A mad scientist (Mario Orea) is on the loose turning people into werewolves via injection.  Professor Carral (Jaime Fernandez) decrees he must be stopped and turns to the great luchador, Blue Demon for help.

What makes the monster scenes so much fun is that they blatantly rip off the old Universal monster movies.  The transformation scenes are a lot like The Wolf Man and the professor is clearly modeled on Edward Van Sloan’s Van Helsing in Tod Browning’s Dracula.  The filmmakers probably wanted their werewolf to resemble the Universal pictures, but it winds up looking more like the one in the 1956 flick, The Werewolf. 

Things kick off immediately with a great werewolf attack.  What I liked about the werewolves in this movie is that they revert back to human form not when they are shot by a silver bullet, but when Blue Demon body slams them.  That right there tells you it’s going to be a better than average werewolf flick.

The film contains two wrestling scenes.  The first one is pretty ordinary.  In fact, the camera is stationary for much of the time.  The second match is great though.  It’s here when the mad scientist dopes Blue Demon’s opponent with wolf juice and he turns into a werewolf right in the middle of the match, causing pandemonium in the arena!  

So what if things get a little dull whenever Blue Demon isn’t on screen?  That kind of goes with the territory when it comes to these things.  Besides, it’s hard to hate any movie that combines Mexican wrestling, werewolves, mad scientists, a haunted castle (that looks like it came right out of the bottom of a fishbowl), and a mob of angry torch-wielding villagers.  All I know is that when Blue Demon is body slamming lycanthropes, it’s damned good times.

FORD V FERRARI (2019) *** ½

I’m not much of a gearhead or anything, but I do enjoy me a good car movie every now and then.  I’m also a sucker for a good underdog sports flick.  The two roads intersect with James Mangold’s gripping, expertly crafted drama, Ford v Ferrari.

It tells the true story of how American car maker Ford Motors challenged Ferrari’s dominance at the famed 24 Hours of Le Mans race.  Henry Ford II (Tracy Letts) gives car designer Carroll Shelby (Matt Damon) carte blanche to create a car that can beat Ferrari.  His pick to drive the car is Ken Miles (Christian Bale), a notoriously prickly driver who does not play well with others, especially corporate scum like Leo Beebe (Josh Lucas).  It’s up to Shelby and Miles to not only defeat Ferrari on the track but cut through Ford’s bureaucracy in order to get the job done off the track.  

Like all good underdog films, it follows the Rocky formula of having your heroes suffer a defeat before the no holds barred rematch.  There are also montages because, what would a sports movie be without montages?  Mangold’s camera gets up close on the drivers and the cars during the racing scenes, so you feel like you’re right in the middle of the action.  (I’m especially proud of myself for not typing “so you feel like you’re in the driver’s seat".)  

The film wouldn’t work so well if it wasn’t for the excellent cast off the track.  Damon and Bale are complete opposites, which is kind of what makes them a good team.  Their acting styles are as different as oil and water, but they are terrific together.  That works in their characters’ favor too as Shelby has a knack for juggling cars with hobnobbing with corporate suits while Miles is not a people person, but can drive the hell out of a racecar.  

If the film has a fault, it’s that it stops short of showing us what exactly (pardon the pun) drives both men.  Shelby is out to prove that since he can’t drive, he can build a fast car and Miles just wants to race and provide for his family.  Outside of that, they’re rather thinly sketched.  You have to give Damon and Bale credit for enriching their characters, even if they weren’t fully fleshed out on the page.

AKA:  Le Mans ’66.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST (1980) **

Champagne (Leslie Bovee) has just been promoted to vice president of her advertising firm.  Now that she is in a place of power, she seeks to objectify men and use them for sex.  She hires an ex-boxer (John Leslie) to be her chauffeur and he takes her around so she can ball various lovers.  Predictably, he winds up falling in love with her.

I know this is just a dumb early ‘80s porn, but the out of date attitudes and rampant homophobia really bring it down.  I mean, it’s one thing for John Leslie’s character to pretend to be gay in order to get a job.  It’s another for him to sock a guy on the jaw for coming onto him.  The strangest scene occurs when banging a hot babe and she invites another woman into the bed.  When he sees her, he starts freaking out, calls them “lesbians”, and storms out of the room.  Man, what guy wouldn’t want two sexy girls at the same time?  He clearly has some issues.  (Either that, or the filmmakers do.)

Many of the sex scenes are lackluster too.  There’s one fuck scene that happens on a waterbed that doesn’t even have a money shot, just a close-up of stains on the sheets.  The best scene is when Leslie bangs Kay Parker on her desk and she gets so hot that she starts breaking everything in her office.  

At over 100 minutes, Champagne for Breakfast is just too long for its own good and has too many drawn out dialogue scenes that ultimately go nowhere.  It’s also really cheap looking too.  I mean you kind of expect to see crew members reflected in the car windows during outdoor scenes in these movies.  You don’t expect to see them walking around in the background during a bedroom fuck scene!  Jeez, even Ed Wood kept his crew out of his shots.

Champagne for Breakfast was also released in an edited R-rated version titled, Boss Lady.  I can’t imagine how it played without the XXX scenes.  With the hardcore scenes, the movie isn’t much.  Without them, it’s probably even less.

AKA:  Boss Lady.  AKA:  Talk Naughty to Me.

TAZA, SON OF COCHISE (1954) ** ½

Rock Hudson stars as Taza who inherits leadership of the Apache tribe from his father on his deathbed.  Tensions flare when several of his men break off and attack some white settlers.  To prevent further bloodshed, Taza agrees to move his people to a reservation and become a Calvary soldier to help police the reservation.  Trouble brews when Geronimo (Ian MacDonald) is taken prisoner and brought to the reservation where he begins talk of a revolt.

Directed by Douglas Sirk, Taza, Son of Cochise was made around the same time he and Rock were collaborating on their mawkish melodramas, Magnificent Obsession and All That Heaven Allows.   Although it’s probably looked down upon because it’s a B western, it does have some interesting aspects.  Even though Taza is seen as a traitor by his people for wearing a soldier’s uniform, he’s still not fully trusted by the whites for being a Native.  Because of that, Taza is stuck squarely in the middle as he strives for peace between both people.  You can see Sirk trying to wrestle with working in more adult subject matter into the material, although he’s only slightly successful at doing so.  

This isn’t Rock’s best performance by a long shot.  That’s mostly because he’s sorely miscast.  To make matters worse, he’s stuck speaking a lot of stilted Native American dialogue.  It is fun seeing This Island Earth’s Rex Reason as Rock’s hotheaded brother though.  It’s Barbara Rush who gives the best performance as Rock’s unrequited love who winds up betrothed to Reason against her will.  

If it wasn’t for the 3-D effects, this would’ve been a better than average, but forgettable programmer.  Thankfully, the 3-D is strong enough for me to give it a marginal recommendation.  Sirk doesn’t go overboard with the 3-D, waiting for just the right moment to spring it on the audience.  I also liked the way he kept a stick, tree, or hitching post in the foreground to make the depth-of-field effects pop.  In doing so, it gives you a good feel for the majestic plains and desert landscapes.  

The 3-D effects include:  

·         3-D Universal Logo

·         3-D Torch

·         3-D Spear

·         3-D Whip

·         3-D Arrow (multiple)

·         3-D Gun (multiple)

·         3-D Stone (multiple)

AKA:  Son of Cochise.  

MY LUCKY STARS (1985) ** ½

Detective Jackie Chan needs help cracking a case.  The bad guys seemingly know his every move, so he turns to his old gang, led by Sammo Hung (who also directed), who are now wanted criminals for help.  After they spend a LOT of time goofing off and perving on the lady cop sent to babysit them, they finally team up with Jackie to take the villains down.

My Lucky Stars is a sequel to Winners and Sinners, a movie I haven’t seen, but there’s enough exposition (perhaps too much of it) so you can kind of get an idea what happened.  It starts off like a Jackie Chan Police Story sequel before turning into a Sammo Hung comedy.  Unfortunately, the two only occasionally intersect.  The early scenes hold a lot of promise as the film kicks off with some amazing stunts, including a jaw-dropping car chase, a terrific fight at an amusement park, and an inexplicable Ninja attack. 

In fact, after the stellar opening scene, Jackie disappears for a good hour, popping up only briefly for a decent fight against the Ninjas.  The great Yuen Biao gets even less screen time as Chan’s partner, who almost immediately gets kidnapped by the bad guys.  Once the film primarily becomes the Sammo show, it goes downhill fast.  A lot of the humor is downright painful to sit through (like the toilet scene), and the part where the gang dress as Ninjas and take turns tying each other up to the sexy cop is especially dire.  

Things end on a high note with an electric finale set in a haunted house amusement park attraction.  The scenes of Chan fighting Ninjas and samurais, not to mention the zombies and ghosts inside the attraction, are great.  Hung is impressive as well when he’s allowed to fight instead of mugging for the camera with his dingbat friends.  If only he had Jackie around more often, My Lucky Stars could’ve been a classic.  As it is, it doesn’t shine as bright as it could’ve.

AKA:  Winners and Sinners 2:  My Lucky Stars.  AKA:  Tokyo Powerman.  AKA:  Lucky Stars Superior Shine.

THE RED NIGHTS OF THE GESTAPO (1977) ***

After Rudolf Hess flees Germany, his close friend, Colonel von Uhland (Ezio Miani) is ordered to be executed by the firing squad.  It all turns out to be a ruse by the Nazis, who want him to lure a group of disloyal party members into a trap.  Von Uhland discovers all their peculiar vices and sets up a meeting in a makeshift brothel where he plans to assassinate them.  He enlists the help of several sex-crazed women fresh from the loony bin to tempt the men by catering to their darkest fetishes, including S & M, lactation, and (REALLY) young girls.  

That’s just a rundown of the plot.  The REAL story is we get Nazi boot fucking, lesbianism, breastfeeding, gangbangs, rape by gunpoint (and I don’t mean rape “at” gunpoint, I mean rape BY gunpoint), S & M floorshows, champagne baths, and orgies. 

At 109 minutes, The Red Nights of the Gestapo is probably too long for its own good.  As wonderfully disgusting as the movie is, there are some definite lulls in between the filth.  No matter how many talky, badly dubbed dialogue scenes you have to sit through, it’s worth it once it starts delivering the icky goods.  I mean what else can you say about a film that contains a doctor who runs a nuthouse for nymphomaniac masochists who’ve been trained to harm themselves while in the throes of ecstasy… and that’s just merely a minor plot point?  I think my favorite moment though was when a woman dressed in drag as Hitler and touched herself while repeatedly screaming, “Heil!” 

In short, The Red Nights of the Gestapo is sicker than your average Naziploitation movie.  It’s also one of the kinkiest Naziploitation flicks I’ve ever seen.  That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the BEST, but there’s plenty of sleaze to go around.  It should be enough to make the most jaded exploitation fan sit up and take notice. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DANCE OF THE DEAD (2008) ***

Zombie comedies are a dime a dozen.  Very few of them work either as a comedy or as horror film.  That’s why it’s nice to find a movie that manages to deliver on the gore and the laughs. On the surface, Dance of the Dead looks like your typical high school zombie comedy, and in many ways, it kind of is.  However, there’s a lot of spirit and even a little bit of heart (to go along with the severed heads and guts) here to make it stand out from the rest of the pack.

Toxic waste from the nearby power plant causes zombies rise from the grave on the night of the high school prom.  A group of students from different social circles band together for survival.  Eventually, the zombies crash the prom, and the only ones who can stop them are our troupe of misfits, nerds, and punk rockers. 

Dance of the Dead features some great gore and a few surprising moments.  This is one of a handful of movies that make a good case for fast zombies as the scenes of the undead corpses leaping from their graves at full sprint are very effective.  As much gore, blood, and guts get tossed around, I think my favorite moment was when the dissected frogs from science class come back to life.  The zombie love scene is pretty great too.

The zombies are seemingly modeled on the ones from Return of the Living Dead.  They run around, move kind of funky, and occasionally speak.  There are even some moments that borrow from Night of the Living Dead as well.  Hey, if you’ve got to steal from someone, steal from the best I always say.  Despite the one-note premise, director Gregg (Siren) Bishop keeps the movie brimming with zombie carnage and cranks out some genuinely funny zingers in the process.

The performances are solid across the board, which really helps.  Greyson Chadwick was the real standout for me as the Vice President of the student body who fights undead student bodies.  She hasn’t been in a whole lot since the film was released, which is a shame because she really shows a knack for believably playing a zombie slayer in a prom dress without making it feel like a cheap gag.  She has my vote come re-election time.

INVASION OF ALIEN BIKINI (2011) **

Young-gun (Young-geun Hong) is a virginal dork who rescues a beautiful woman named Monica (Eun-Jung Ha) from being accosted using his Kung Fu skills.  He takes her back to his place so she can recover and maybe play a little Jenga.  When Monica tries to seduce Young-gun, he resists.  Little does he know, she’s an alien who seeks a sperm donor to propagate her species.  Little does she know, the poor dope has taken a vow of celibacy and will not give into temptation, even under the most dire of circumstances. 

Invasion of Alien Bikini is an uneven mix of Korean craziness.  It sounds like it’s going to be a Sci-Fi sex movie, but it starts out like a lame romantic comedy before turning very dark.  The opening Kung Fu fighting scenes are amusing and get things started off on the right foot.  When it gets down to the sexy shenanigans, it’s more embarrassing than laugh-out-loud funny.  (Young-gun recites multiplication tables and sings the Korean national anthem to take his mind off getting an erection.)  Once you find out WHY Young-gun doesn’t want to get horizontal with Monica, things take a grim turn.  The Sci-Fi elements are kind of odd too (at one point, Monica’s spine comes out her back and attacks), and the twist at the end is more of a head-scratcher than anything.  The whiplash in tone doesn’t jibe and prevents the film from really working.

All this might not have been so bad if Ha got naked.  As it is, she spends a lot of time in her bra and panties, which is okay, I guess.  I know if she told me, “I need your sperm” repeatedly, I’d do what the lady said and not put up a fight like this idiot.

Overall, Invasion of Alien Bikini has its moments, but Species this is not. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SUMMER OF 84 (2018) * ½

Summer of 84 is Stranger Things meets Rear Window meets The ‘Burbs.  It’s a throwback to the days where kids rode bicycles throughout their neighborhoods instead of being constantly on their phone, used nudie books as masturbatory material instead of the internet, read the Weekly World News to get their paranoia fix instead of clickbait bullshit, and relied on milk cartons as lost children bulletins instead of Amber alerts.  It was also a time when serial killers worked their way into the national consciousness. 

That’s just a fancy way of introducing the plot.  Four dorky teenage friends suspect their neighbor of being a serial killer.  Well, that’s about it as far as the plot is concerned.  

Summer of 84 comes from the directing trio of Francois Simard, Anouk Whissell, and Yoann-Karl Whissell.  Their previous film, Turbo Kid was a pastiche of various movies, but it was a fun pastiche, filled with lots of energy, invention, and spirit.  This is just a pastiche. 

The film lumbers from predictable scene to predictable scene without any tension, drama, or momentum.  At all times it feels like an outline for a movie than the finished product.  Like the filmmakers told themselves they’d go back and fill in things like character development (the kids are all paper-thin stereotypes), red herrings (there is only one suspect and it’s obvious from the start he did it), and legitimate scares later on, but they somehow never got around to it.  

Which is weird, because it’s 108 minutes long, and yet, it feels like nothing ever happens.  It’s long on running time and short on substance.  I mean it seemingly just goes on forever.  Just when you think it’s over, it plods on for another twenty minutes.  Not only that, but it gets needlessly uglier as it goes along, and the finale is sure to leave a bad taste in your mouth.   

This is one summer to forget.

REVENGE (2018) ***

Richard (Kevin Janssens) takes his mistress Jen (Matilda Lutz) to his remote desert home for a weekend fling.  Trouble brews when his hunting buddies Stan (Vincent Colombe) and Dim (Guillaume Bouchede) show up unexpectedly.  After Stan has his way with her, neither Richard nor Dim seem to want to do anything about it.  When Jen threatens to go to the cops, they push her off a cliff.  She somehow miraculously survives and sets out to get some payback. 

Revenge is a better than average rape and revenge movie.  It’s stylish, if a bit overlong.  It's involving, even though it’s predictable.  Though flawed, it’s certainly more empowering than most of these things. 

In fact, it turns into a female First Blood in the second act once Jen goes into a cave, nurses her wounds, and finds the strength to fight on.  She even emerges from the cave as a Lady Rambo, complete with a big ass hunting knife.  I will say her sudden transformation from laid back party girl to hardened hunter is a bit hard to swallow, but that doesn’t take away from the gut-punch effectiveness of it all. 

Revenge contains some really over the top, crowd pleasing moments.  Sometimes, it tends to get a bit self-indulgent.  The unending dream-within-a-dream scene is particularly drawn out, but at least it does have a terrific exploding head gag.  Too bad some of the special effects elsewhere in the movie look phony (like the bloody foot scene).

The film moves at a deliberate pace.  If the filmmakers took the time to punch it up a bit in the editing room, it could’ve been a real classic.  The finale especially goes on way too long.  (How many times can you run around in circles down the same hallway without seeing your prey?)  Still, it’s hard to complain when so many gallons of blood wind up being spilled in the climax.  This movie throws more red stuff around in the last ten minutes than most pictures do their entire running time.  Because of that, it’s worth a look. 

KING COHEN (2018) ****

Larry Cohen is one of my favorite directors, mostly because he makes movies no other director can make besides Larry Cohen.  Most of the time, their reach exceeds their grasp, usually due to their low budgets.  When Larry is firing on all cylinders (such as the case in my favorite Cohen film, The Stuff), it’s truly a sight to behold.

This absorbing, informative, and just plain fun documentary by Steve Mitchell starts right at the beginning of Cohen’s trajectory.  We follow him through his early days writing scripts for television, and then features, before he becomes dissatisfied with the way Hollywood ruined his work.  He turns to directing as a way to protect his scripts and develops a unique style almost immediately.  Before long, he’s cranking out classic after classic.  From Blaxploitation to horror, it doesn’t matter what the genre is.  You’re always guaranteed to see something idiosyncratic in the work to let you know it’s a Larry Cohen movie. 

The most fun part is hearing about his guerilla filmmaking tactics.  He was a master of stealing shots in crowded New York streets with big stars, live special effects, and zero permits.  It’s kind of amazing that he was able to get away with some of the stuff he did, especially the Andy Kaufman scene in God Told Me To. 

Everyone that is interviewed seemed to genuinely enjoy working with Cohen.  I loved seeing his constant leading man Michael Moriarty gush over their work together.  Fred Williamson is also around to contradict some of the legends Cohen has made for himself.  

It was also nice to see the way Cohen championed the used of elderly Hollywood legends.  There’s a particularly touching moment involving the death of Bernard Herrmann, who scored It’s Alive.  Sometimes, that backfired on Cohen.  When he hired Bette Davis for Wicked Stepmother, she walked off the set and never came back.  Ever the soldier, Larry forged ahead and did his best with the footage he had.  

The film also goes into how Cohen was fired from I, the Jury, a movie he envisioned as a franchise.  Man, what could’ve been!  Eventually, he grows tired of the director’s chair and becomes content to write material for other filmmakers.

Cohen is engaging and colorful in his interviews.  You can tell just by the way he talks, he’s a natural born storyteller.  Sadly, we lost Larry earlier this year.  There will never be another one like him.

Long live the King.

AKA:  King Cohen:  The Wild World of Filmmaker Larry Cohen.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: ONE CUT OF THE DEAD (2017) *** ½

A fanatical filmmaker is making a zombie movie in a condemned warehouse.  He is unhappy with his lead actress’ performance and walks off the set.  When he returns, he motivates her by unleashing real zombies into the mix, all the while keeping the cameras rolling. 

All this is done in seemingly one take, but if you’re sharp enough you can spot some of the seams.  Even then, you have to admit it’s all extremely well done.  The gore is decent too, although the best parts are when the director pops up in the midst of the terror screaming “Action!” as the zombies chase his leading lady. 

Just when you think it’s over, the film takes an odd turn and unleashes a completely new narrative on you.  I don’t want to spoil things, so all I’ll say is that you know something’s up when your opening credits sequence takes place forty minutes into the movie.  It’s here where One Cut of the Dead become more of a meta comedy than a horror flick.

Oh heck, I have to spoil it for you in order to explain what makes the turn work so well, so back off now if you haven’t already seen it.  The first act is a pure zombie movie.  The second act is the director rehearsing said zombie movie.  The catch is, it needs to be done on live TV all in one take.  The kicker comes in the third act where everything turns to shit on set, but the fearless crew presses on in the face of adversity.

So, basically what we have here is not just a horror film, but a love letter to horror filmmaking as well.  It’s especially fun when it’s subverting your expectations.  I can see how some viewers expecting a more traditional zombie movie experience maybe be a tad disappointed.  However, I can honestly say you’ve never seen a zombie flick like this one before; a veritable rarity these days. 

LITTLE BI PEEP (2013) ** ½

Emma (Anna Shields, who also wrote the screenplay and co-directed) works a dead-end job at an adult video store.  Her job description says she must wear a sexy Halloween costume (including a sexy Little Bo Peep get-up) to work, but when she’s there, she mostly just smokes and glowers at the creepy customers.  Emma lives alone with her dog (who often shits on the floor, much to her indifference), and when she goes out, she usually hooks up with girls (and guys) whom she immediately ditches.  When she meets Mason (Sara Jecko), a guy who’s hiding an obvious secret, it threatens her miserable existence with a glimmer of happiness.

The title makes it sound like it’s going to be a nursey rhyme-themed softcore sex spoof, but Little Bi Peep is actually an earnest (if uneven) low budget indie LGBTQ comedy/drama.  It’s mostly a slice-of-life tale of a woman who’s still figuring things out.  Even though she’s got some serious issues in her past she’s still reconciling with that’s preventing her from achieving true happiness, she remains a likeable wiseass about it most of the time, which makes the audience root for her.

The adult store scenes are the best, mostly because they play like a gender-swapped version of Clerks.  Unfortunately, the laughs are few and far between, but Shields’ performance keeps you watching throughout the lulls.  I also have to give her credit for the clever ending that manages to defy the standard romantic comedy trappings and for dealing with broken characters in a realistic fashion.  While it’s far from perfect, it’s a nice enough effort all the same.  

JOE BULLET (1973) ** ½

Joe Bullet is a ‘70s South African action movie made during the time of the American Blaxploitation craze.  Soon after its release, it was suppressed by the vile apartheid government and remained unseen for decades.  Thankfully, for fans of ‘70s black action films it has resurfaced.  I can’t say it’s a classic or anything, but I’m certainly glad it exists and can be seen by viewers all around the world.

A shadowy underworld figure is intimidating the Eagles soccer team in hopes of getting them to bow out of a big championship match.  After one of their coaches are murdered, the manager turns to a badass named Joe Bullet (Ken Gampu) to protect his players.  Not only does Joe kick the bad guys’ asses, he kicks the soccer ball around as he also helps coach the team!  Did you ever see Shaft do that?  I don’t think so!

Joe Bullet gives you just about everything you could possibly want from a Blaxploitation movie.  There’s a kickass theme song, Kung Fu, some fine action beats, and a few cheesy/cool moments (like when the villain turns a poisonous snake loose on Joe).  What makes Joe a bit different than a Shaft or a Superfly is he’s also a master of disguise!  Oh, and even though his name is “Joe Bullet”, he seems just as handy with a knife.  In fact, he kills so many people with a knife that it makes me wonder why they didn’t call him Joe Blade. 

Like Shaft, the film starts out great, but the pacing drags in the second half.  The film is also riddled with jump cuts.  I’m not sure if that was due to the government cutting stuff out or if it was just the filmmakers’ own mistakes or what.  I do know it gets distracting sometimes.  The action is a bit uneven as the movie enters the third act, and the Climbing Villain finale ends abruptly.  Still, it hangs together well enough thanks to a good central performance by Gampu.  

I can’t say for sure if Joe Bullet is the definitive South African Blaxploitation movie, but it’s certainly the best one I’ve seen. 

TEEN TITANS GO! VS. TEEN TITANS (2019) *** ½

I don’t usually go in for these straight-to-DVD DC animated movies, but as a fan of Teen Titans Go!, this was hard to resist.  After all, this (spoiler) team-up between the two beloved versions of the Titans was already teased in the post-credits scene of Teen Titans Go! to the Movies.  Since that was one of my favorite movies of last year, there was very little doubt I’d be checking this one out. 

It feels more like an extended episode of Teen Titans Go! than the old show, which is sure to alienate some viewers.  As a fan of Go! I thought it was fun, if at times slight.  It’s not up to the same standards as Go! to the Movies, but it’s about on par with a better-than-average episode of the series.  That is to say there are a lot of laughs to be had.

The plot is similar in some ways to Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse.  The Titans’ arch-enemy Trigon tries to take over the Infinite Earths by pitting the two versions of the Teen Titans against each other.  Naturally, the heroes can’t stand one another, but they eventually put their differences aside to work together to stop Trigon. 

If you love Teen Titans Go! you’re sure to have fun with this.  They still sing, make poop jokes, and make fun of the DC Universe.  This results in some big laughs.  There are also plenty of callbacks to the show that fans like me are sure to appreciate, including one especially great nod to one of my favorite episodes, The Night Begins to Shine.  However, it probably won’t win over fans of the original Teen Titans as they are strictly supporting characters.  Still, they get enough moments here and there (particularly Raven) that should please fans jonesing for some old school Teen Titans action. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SATANS LUST (1971) ***

George “Buck” Flower presides over a Satanist ritual in which a woman is tied down spread eagle while another babe bangs her with a strap-on.  She’s then forced to suck another Satanist until he jizzes on her chest while a clap of thunder is heard in the background.  The woman is then sacrificed by being set on fire.  Then the plot begins.  

Her friends (Judy Angel and Jim Mathers) think her death is suspicious so they decide to investigate, but not after they fuck.  They eventually find out that Flower is using his movie production studio as a front to lure girls into becoming sacrifices for Satan.  Judy then goes undercover (in both senses of the word) to get close to Buck, but will Jim be able to save her in time?

For only being 66 minutes long, Satans Lust (there’s no apostrophe on the title card) crams in lots of scenes of hardcore action in a short amount of time.  Not only are the Satanic S & M scenes hot, the vanilla ones manage to be pretty decent too.  The whole movie looks scuzzy and grimy, but the sex scenes manages to still titillate despite (or perhaps because of) the dingy atmosphere.  Even though the picture looks cheap and decrepit, the director (who’s uncredited, but was probably Flower) gives us one cool camera shot that looks all the way up Angel’s dress that shows a little more flair than your typical early ‘70s hardcore film.

The scenes that combine sex and horror work the best.  There’s a wild scene where a lady Satanist uses a candle as a marital aid and winds up turning into a skeleton while in the throes of passion.  The subliminal shots of the pig-faced Lucifer leering during the action are effective too.  

If you’re watching it for laughs, there’s plenty of those to be had.  The overdramatic headshaking, hair-flipping climaxes during the tender love scene between Angel and Mathers while majestic music plays in the background is downright hilarious.  Equally funny is the use of Muzak during the sex scenes.  There’s not one, but THREE Muzak versions of Beatles’ songs played.  (“I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, “Good Day Sunshine”, and “Yellow Submarine”).  My favorite bit was the blowjob scene set to “I Will Follow Him”.  You know how that old song goes:  “I love him, I love him, and where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow”?  I had fun making up my own lyrics:  “I blow him, I blow him, and when he cums I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow”.  The filmmakers even steal whole chunks of score from Ennio Morricone’s score for The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for good measure.

AKA:  Night of the Warlock.