I am proud to say that my daughter inherited my love of bad movies. Throughout the pandemic, we have watched many episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 together, and it has been fun seeing her experience so many cheesy classics for the first time. Little did I know, she has been looking for other grade Z flicks for us to enjoy. When she brought Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa to my attention, I was ashamed to say I had never even heard of it. When we watched it together, we both agreed it was one of the worst pieces of cinematic crap we’ve ever seen.
This is truly one of those proud parent moments.
The student has surpassed the master.
The legend surrounding this Christmas special is much more entertaining than the special itself. It appeared only once on the old WB network before resurfacing on the internet in recent years, becoming something of a cult item. It contains some of the worst CGI animation I have ever seen. It was made in 2002, but the animation looks worse than the Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” music video that came out almost twenty years earlier. I know computer animation wasn’t as sophisticated then as it is today, but there’s no excuse for it to look like a Nintendo 64 video game.
The legend goes that the director “didn’t know” the animation was that bad until he watched it at home on television like everybody else. I don’t know if I buy that story, but it’s more believable than the actual plot. That is also supposed to explain why the grandmother character speaks in complete gibberish as the audio file was severely corrupted and nobody bothered it fix it. (The only intelligible word she says is “Christmas”, which in itself is something of a Christmas miracle.)
The plot involves a bully who receives a ratty teddy bear as Christmas present from a kid who speaks solely in rap verses. She is at first annoyed by the gift and throws it in the garbage. When she learns it was a present from the kid’s dead mother (“before she went to the angels”), the bratty chick then embarks on a quest to retrieve the bear.
Fortunately, all this clocks in at forty minutes, but it feels like an eternity. It’s an affront to the eyes, ears, and brain. As someone who has suffered through plenty of bad movies in his time, I have to admit, this is one of the worst. I couldn’t be prouder of my daughter.
The most amazing thing about Rapsittie (Get it? Like “Rhapsody”, except it is like “Rap City”, except they just fucked up the spelling?) Street Kids: Believe in Santa is that it sports a solid cast of vocal talent. We have Bart Simpson herself, Nancy Cartwright, The Ice Cream Man himself, Clint Howard, none other than The Little Mermaid, Jodi Benson, and MARK FUCKIN’ HAMILL! Apparently, Hamill has no memory of recording his lines for this thing. Again, I don’t know if I buy that part of the legend. Instead, I’d like to think he used some sort of Jedi Mind Trick on himself to make him forget he was even in this thing.
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